Mr Majeika and the School Play

by Humphrey Carpenter

  “Want a fight, do you?” said Hamish, taking out both of his pistols, pointing them in the cowboy’s face and pulling the triggers.

  They were water-pistols, and water squirted all over the cowboy’s face.

  “Aaargh!” roared the cowboy. “I’m gonna get you for that. This town ain’t big enough for both of us.”

  Hamish leapt over the bar tables and ran out through the door. The big cowboy was after him, but Hamish tore off down the main street.

  Mr Majeika shut his eyes and waved his hands, and Hamish ran out of the television screen and into Class Three.

  He collapsed, very out of breath, into his own chair at his own desk.

  “Well,” said Jody, “did you have a good time?”

  Hamish was still wearing his cowboy outfit. “It was better than being in this

  crummy school,” he said.

  On the screen, the big cowboy was still searching for Hamish. After a while he gave up and went back to finish his drink at the bar.

  “It won’t be much of a film without me in it,” said Hamish. “I was in The People Next Door, did you know that? And Jolene fancied me much more than Craig.”

  “What rubbish,” said Jody. “She couldn’t stand you.”

  “Now that Hamish is back,” said Mr Majeika, “let’s get on with our project. And Hamish, if I have any more trouble from you, I’ll send you back inside the TV. This time I’ll make sure you land up in the Everest film and have to climb to the top. So behave yourself!”

  Hamish twirled his pistols and muttered, but got on quietly with his project.

  When he handed it in a few days later, he had written on the front:

  This project is by

  HAMISH BIGMORE

  Star of The People Next Door

  and many other TV shows.

  Signed photos for sale.

  “I suppose the next thing,” said Jody, “he’ll be starting a Hamish Bigmore Fan Club.”

  “Still, I must say, the TV programmes are rather boring without him,” said Thomas.

  2. Hamish the Giant-Killer

  “This term,” announced Mr Potter, the head teacher of St Barty’s, at assembly one morning, “we shall be doing another school play. And we won’t just be performing it here, to the parents. St Barty’s is entering for the County Schools’ Drama Cup. We shall be taking our play to a big drama festival at another school, where all the entries will be judged by a Famous Actor. The cast of the winning play will receive the Cup. Let’s hope St Barty’s wins!”

  Most of the school were pleased at the news, but everyone in Class Three groaned. The trouble with school plays was Hamish Bigmore. Somehow or other, he always managed to ruin them.

  When Hamish had first come to St Barty’s, Mr Potter had given him a very small part in a nativity play. He was supposed to be an ox at the stable in Bethlehem. The trouble was, as soon as anyone else started talking, he began making loud mooing noises, so that it was impossible for the play to continue.

  Mr Potter decided that if Hamish had a big part, he might behave himself better. The next school play was a musical about Oliver Twist, and Hamish was given the part of the Artful Dodger.

  The Artful Dodger is someone who goes around picking people’s pockets – stealing their money and things, when they’re not looking. Hamish took the part very seriously. As well as picking people’s pockets on stage, he went and picked the audience’s pockets during the interval, and they weren’t very pleased when they

  found that all their money and other things had gone.

  After that, Mr Potter refused to give him a part in the next play. But he managed to ruin it all the same.

  It was a very serious and sad play, and Jody took the part of a princess who was dying of a broken heart. Just as she began her dying speech, Hamish marched into the back of the hall with a tray slung round his neck, shouting: “Ice-creams! Popcorn! Drinks! Crisps!”

  When Mr Majeika told Class Three that the play St Barty’s would be entering for the Schools’ Drama Cup was Jack and the Beanstalk, Thomas and Pete groaned. “I suppose that means Hamish will want to be the Giant,” said Pete.

  But he didn’t. He decided he wanted to be Jack. And to everyone’s surprise, Mr Potter chose him for the part.

  “Mr Potter says it’s because he’s got a loud voice,” said Jody.

  “That’s true enough,” said Thomas. “But it’s very unfair on everyone else. He’s bound to ruin the play.”

  “You can’t complain,” said Jody. “You’re playing the Giant.”

  “I’m only playing half the Giant,” said Thomas. “The bottom half.”

  “I’m the top,” said Pete, who was going to sit on Thomas’s shoulders.

  “And he’s very heavy,” said Thomas.

  The rehearsals went very well at first, because Hamish was away with flu and Mr Majeika read his part. Thomas and Pete’s mum had made a very good costume for them to wear as the Giant. There was a huge head made out of papier mâché, with eyeholes for Pete to look out. Thomas, as the bottom half, wore a gigantic pair of

  trousers and some enormous boots. They had some difficulty seeing where they were going, but once they’d got on stage, the Giant looked fine.

  “Just like the real thing,” said Mr Majeika.

  “Do you mean you’ve seen a real giant, Mr Majeika?” asked Jody, who was playing Jack’s mother.

  “Not often,” said Mr Majeika. “But there are one or two lurking about, if you know where to look for them.”

  “And are they like the Giant in Jack and the Beanstalk, Mr Majeika?” asked Thomas.

  Mr Majeika nodded. “Rather nastier, if anything, Thomas. They’d certainly eat you up for dinner if they felt like it. If you ever stumble across one, take care!”

  Jody shivered. “Well, it’s a good thing we’re not likely to meet one, Mr Majeika,” she said.

  When Hamish came back to school, he was surprisingly well behaved in rehearsals. “Perhaps he’s still feeling poorly from the flu,” said Pete. “It’s not like him to be as sensible as this.”

  Mr Potter was very pleased with the way Jack and the Beanstalk was going. “I think we stand a very good chance of winning the Drama Cup,” he said.

  A few days later, Jody said to Pete and Thomas: “I think Hamish Bigmore is up to something.”

  “Nothing new about that,” said Pete. “What is it this time?”

  “Well, you know St James’s, that snooty school down the road? I’ve seen a couple of boys from there talking to Hamish in the street.”

  “So what?” said Thomas. “I can’t think why anyone should want to talk to Hamish, but there’s no law against it, is there?”

  “Of course not, silly,” said Jody. “But can’t you guess what it might mean?”

  “They could just have been friends of his,” said Pete.

  “Hamish hasn’t got any friends,” said Jody. “And St James’s are taking part in the Drama Cup. Now do you see what I’m getting at?”

  “But why should St James’s want Hamish Bigmore in their play?” asked Thomas.

  “They don’t, you ass,” said Pete. “Jody thinks Hamish Bigmore is being bribed by St James’s to muck up our play, so that they win.”

  “I don’t know it for certain,” said Jody, “but Hamish has certainly been eating an awful lot of chocolate lately, even more than usual. I wonder where it’s been coming from. We’d better just watch out, that’s all.”

  Jody told Mr Majeika what she thought might be going on, but Mr Majeika said he couldn’t do anything about it. “And I’m sure Hamish wouldn’t really want another school to win, would he?” he said.

  Jody shook her head. “I just wouldn’t trust Hamish at all,” she said.

  On the day of the Drama Cup, they all went by bus to the school where the

  competition was being held. “Welcome, everyone,” said the person who was organizing the competition. “There’s a notice telling you where your dressing-rooms are. When you
’re ready, please come and sit in the hall to watch the other plays. And besides the Cup, the winning school will have a special tea, with lots of chocolate cake!”

  When they had got their costumes ready, they all went and sat in the hall. The Famous Actor who was going to judge the plays was taking his seat.

  “I’ve seen him on TV,” said Thomas. “He looks rather bored at having to sit through a lot of school plays.”

  The lights were turned off and the first play began. It was being performed by a school called St Philips, and it was a musical version of The Pied Piper. It went on for a very long time, and Jody, Thomas and Pete could see that the Famous Actor was getting very bored. He kept yawning and looking at his watch.

  When St Philips had finished there was a pause, and then St James’s began their play. They were doing a detective story, and it was very exciting. People kept getting murdered, and there were lots of bangs and screams, which made the audience jump. Melanie started to cry.

  When it was over everyone clapped a lot, and the Famous Actor looked as if he had enjoyed it.

  “We’ve got to do really well to beat that,” said Jody, as they hurried off to their dressing-room to get changed. “Let’s hope Hamish doesn’t let us down.”

  Hamish was being as good as gold as he climbed into his costume, but there was a naughty glint in his eye.

  “Good luck, everyone,” said Mr Majeika. “I’ll be out at the front, watching you.”

  They all took their positions on stage. The curtains opened and the first scene began.

  At first, everything went smoothly. Jody was very good as Jack’s mother, and Hamish spoke his lines clearly as Jack. The only mishap was in the scene where Jack

  takes the cow to market and sells it for a handful of beans. Melanie was playing the front half of the cow and Pandora Green the back half. Pandora accidentally bumped rather hard into Melanie, and Melanie started crying. But she cried so loudly that it sounded like “Moo!”, and the audience seemed to think it was part of the play.

  While this scene was going on, Thomas and Pete climbed into the Giant’s costume. “Wait a minute,” said Pete. “Something funny is going on here. I can’t find the eyeholes in the Giant’s head.”

  “Let’s have a look,” said Thomas. “No wonder you can’t – someone’s blocked them up with glue and paper.”

  “Guess who,” said Pete angrily. “I’ll get him when the play’s over. But I’ll have to make new holes.” He found a pencil and bored new holes for the eyes.

  “Hurry up,” said Thomas. “We’re on in a moment.”

  Pete put on the Giant’s head. “Bother,” he said, “the holes are in the wrong place. I can’t see out of them at all. You’ll have to steer us.”

  “But I can’t see out either,” said Thomas. “There was a little window in the costume for me to look through, but it’s been covered over with black paint. We’ll just have to feel our way on stage.”

  Just at that moment, Hamish Bigmore spoke the line that was Thomas and Pete’s cue for going on. “But hark! What is this I hear? Can it be the Giant?”

  “Quick!” hissed Thomas. “Say the line!”

  Pete was supposed to boom out: “Fee, fie, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman”, as the two of them walked on to the stage.

  “Fee, fie, fo,” he began, and then “Ouch!” because he and Thomas had walked into a piece of scenery.

  Thomas and Pete couldn’t see anything, but they could hear the audience roaring

  with laughter. “This is terrible,” hissed Thomas. “Say it again.”

  “Fee, fie, fo, fum,” Pete began again, “I smell the blood of an – Oooo! Help, watch out, I’m falling!”

  Thomas had gone too far down stage, missed his footing, and almost fallen into the audience. Pete lost his balance and slipped to the ground, tearing the Giant’s costume as he landed. There they both lay, in a heap, while the audience roared with laughter.

  “It’s all your fault,” Jody hissed at Hamish Bigmore from the wings. “You dirty, rotten traitor, what did they pay you for mucking up our play?”

  In answer, Hamish reached behind a piece of scenery and brought out a large box of chocolates, which he waved at Jody. “A present from St James’s,” he whispered. “Someone had better shut the curtains, the St Barty’s play has had it!”

  Sure enough, the Famous Actor had got to his feet and was saying: “I think we’d better stop this play, as there seems to have been a bit of an accident. Let’s go on to the next one, shall we?”

  Jody peered round the wings into the audience. She could see Mr Majeika sitting in the front row. “Can’t you do something?” she mouthed at him.

  Mr Majeika nodded and waved his hands. Suddenly everything went very dark, and there was the sound of thunder. “Is this the next play?” called out the Famous Actor. “Or are they trying to go on with Jack and the Beanstalk?”

  In a moment, he had his answer. For a distant voice was calling out the very words that Pete had been trying to say – not someone pretending to be huge and terrifying, but this time (Thomas and Pete could tell) someone who really was: “Fee, fie, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.” There was the sound of huge feet coming near.

  “That’s better,” called out the Famous Actor. “I’m glad that, er,” he looked at his sheet of paper, “St Barty’s School has sorted itself out. Carry on, St Barty’s.”

  At that moment, the doors into the hall crashed open and there stood a Giant – a

  real one. He had a shaggy beard, and he was carrying a huge, stone club the size of a small motor car. “Where is he?” he roared out. “Where’s that Englishman whose blood I can smell?”

  “Good costume,” said the Famous Actor, making a note on his piece of paper. “And good staging. I like the way you’ve brought this person in through the audience, St Barty’s. And the make-up is excellent.”

  “There he is!” roared out the Giant, spotting the Famous Actor. “That’s the fellow! He’ll make a tasty morsel in my Man Soup tonight. Ha, ha, little fellow, you’re coming in my pocket!”

  The rest of the audience had realized that this wasn’t any actor, but the real thing. There was panic and people began to scream as they made their way to the doors. The Giant gave them a glance, but it was the Famous Actor who had taken his fancy, and he began to stride across the hall towards him.

  Jody ran down from the stage into the audience. “Help, Mr Majeika!” she panted. “You’ve overdone it a bit. Nobody’s going to get a prize if the Famous Actor is put into the Giant’s soup!”

  Mr Majeika sighed. “I know,” he said. “That’s the trouble with these Giants, they’re such headstrong, tiresome fellows. Now, if a fairy had been what was needed, we’d have had no trouble. But it was all I could think of.”

  The Giant had picked up the Famous Actor and was carrying him by the scruff of the neck towards the stage. Strangely, the Famous Actor still hadn’t realized that it wasn’t just a play. “Very good,” he kept saying. “Most remarkable for a school play. This is really professional. And I like

  the way you’ve involved members of the audience. Very good stuff.”

  The Giant reached the edge of the stage and sat down on it, still holding on to the Famous Actor. “I know what I’m going to do,” he roared. “I’m not going to wait to put you in my Man Soup. I’m going to make a Man Snack out of you right now. Nothing like fresh Man when you’re feeling peckish.” And he opened his mouth and prepared to pop the Famous Actor into it.

  Then he saw Hamish Bigmore’s box of chocolates.

  “Whassat?” he cried. “Is that chockies? I LOVE chockies. Gimme!” And he reached out for them.

  “Oi!” rang out a voice. “Hands off!” It was Hamish Bigmore. No one was going to steal his chocolates and get away with it, not even a man-eating Giant.

  “And ’oo are YOU?” roared the Giant.

  “I,” said Ham
ish Bigmore, stepping forward and raising his sword (which was made of cardboard), “I am Jack the Giant-Killer. You’ve heard of me, haven’t you?”

  “Y–yes,” said the Giant, “I h–have. Sorry, Mr Jack, sir. Blimey, I’m off!” And taking to his heels, he ran through the doors and out of the hall, leaving the Famous Actor lying on the stage.

  “Is that the end?” said the Famous Actor rather breathlessly. “Well done, everyone in St Barty’s. Give them all a big round of applause.”

  And everyone went back to their seats and clapped, supposing that it must have been part of the play after all, and not a real Giant.

  There was one more play after this, a scene from Shakespeare, but after all the business with the Giant, it seemed terribly dull. When it was over, the Famous Actor went up on to the stage.

  “Well, you’ve all done splendidly,” he said, “but I have no difficulty in deciding the winner. It’s St Barty’s!”

  Everyone from St Barty’s cheered and gathered round Mr Majeika, who had been given the Schools’ Drama Cup. “Thank you, Mr Majeika,” said Jody. “But it was a near thing, wasn’t it?”

  “Yes,” said Mr Majeika, wiping his brow. “It certainly was.”

  “I hate to say this,” said Thomas, “but I think Hamish Bigmore was rather brave.”

  “Not brave,” said Pete, “just greedy. He’d do anything not to lose a box of chocolates.”

  “Who’d have known the Giant would be so frightened of Jack the Giant-Killer?” said Jody.

  “All the Giants are,” said Mr Majeika. “Are you surprised? In the story, he manages to kill three or four of them just like that.”

  “Talking of Jack the Giant-Killer,” said Thomas. “Where is he?”

  Mr Majeika looked around him. “He seems to have vanished. Perhaps he’s gone after the Giant, though I’d have thought that Hamish’s cardboard sword wouldn’t be much use against a real Giant.”