by S. T. Bende
Ull raised one eyebrow. “Are you calling me stodgy?”
“If the shoe fits…”
Ull set aside the tackle box he was organizing and took two steps toward me. “Take it back.”
“I cannot tell a lie.” I made the scout’s sign I’d perfected as a girl. “You’re kind of stodgy.”
“That is it.” He pounced so quickly I barely saw him move. Before I registered anything he was next to me, pinning me to his bed. My arms were over my head and I was nose to nose with a flushed Norse god. “Take it back. Sweetheart.” One corner of his mouth turned up.
“Never.” My breath came in shallow gasps, drawing in the smell of soap and pine. Nobody could be expected to focus like this.
“Take. It. Back.” He grazed his nose along my jaw.
“No,” I whimpered.
“Then I am going to have to do this.” He kissed me. Hard. He kept my hands in a firm grip with one hand and trailed two fingers down my arm and along my ribcage, before moving to caress my stomach.
I giggled. “Ull.”
“Kristia.” He gave me a lazy grin.
Just then his phone rang.
“Ignore it,” I pleaded.
“I wish,” Ull whispered before sitting up. “Ja?”
He kept one hand on my stomach, drawing small circles. My insides started to burn.
“Elsker. Hvordan har du det?” He held up one finger with an apologetic smile.
“Hi, Elsker.” I sat up grudgingly and leaned over Ull’s shoulder.
“Ja, Kristia says hei hei. What is going on?” His jaw tensed and he was quiet for a long time.
“What’s she saying?” I whispered, but Ull’s eyes were set.
“Uh-huh. Uh-huh.” He frowned. “I see.”
“What is it?”
“No, I understand. Tusen takk, Elsker.” Ull ended the call.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, darling.” He stroked my cheek with one finger.
“Bull-hooey. What’s wrong? Is it Ragnarok?”
“No. She just wanted to make sure I was taking extra good care of you.” He lifted my hair and kissed me behind my ear. He was obviously trying to distract me, and it worked.
“Mmm. A little to the left.” I craned my neck. If I wasn’t going to get any answers I might as well enjoy myself.
“Here?” He kissed me softly.
“A little lower.”
“Here?” He nipped at my jaw.
I shivered. “That’s nice.”
“How about here?” He kissed the hollow of my neck and my eyes rolled back in my head.
“Absolutely perfect.”
Thirty minutes later, Gunnar and Ull left for their fishing trip. I’d brought my overnight bag so Inga and I could relax in our own way. We had a full agenda of girly activities planned: manicures, pedicures, facials, and eyebrow maintenance. We were going the whole hog on our beauty overhaul. And naturally, we had a full DVR of Sports Wives to fill the down time.
“Where should we start?” Inga carried a platter of cake pops to the coffee table. I’d given her the cake maker after Emma had accidentally ordered two off the Late Night Telly Shoppe. Not my brightest idea, since I was now eating cake pops both at home and at Ull’s.
“How about pedicures?” My toes were in no condition to be honeymooning any time soon.
“Excellent.” Inga placed her nail caddy on the couch and brought out two bowls filled with warm water. “Sports Wives while we soak and pick our colors?”
“You read my mind.”
Three episodes later we were putting on our top coats, when there was a pounding at the door. Inga looked up. “Are your flatmates here early?”
“I don’t think so. It was so sweet of you to invite them, but they won’t be back from Victoria’s office party until pretty late.” It was more likely they’d stop by for scones in the morning—if they could drag themselves out of bed.
“Well, it’s not anybody I know. Gunnar and Ull are fishing, and Olaug always calls before she stops by. And I don’t have any other human friends.”
The doorbell rang twice in succession. “Impatient, whoever it is,” Inga commented. She stood, careful not to disturb the polish on her toes. I giggled as I watched her waddle to the door. “Who is it?” she called through the wood.
“An old friend, come to offer congratulations,” a voice barked back.
Inga peered through the peephole and her mouth fell open. “You have to be kidding.” She turned to me in shock. “It’s Skadi.”
“Skadi? My almost-bodyguard? Thor’s wanna-be daughter-in-law? That Skadi?”
“That’s the one.” Inga tapped her foot.
“Inga!”
“What?”
“Don’t mess up your toes.” Skadi’s appearance was alarming, but we’d put a lot of work into our pedicures.
“Oh. Right.”
“Open the door, Inga. I know you’re standing right there.” Skadi’s voice was harsh and grating, nothing like Inga’s tinkling trill. No wonder Ull didn’t want to marry her.
“What do I do?” Inga looked helpless.
“Let her in.” I shrugged. “What’s she going to do?”
“I can’t. Ull was clear—she’s top of the no-access list.”
“The what?” If Ull had a list of people I wasn’t supposed to hang out with, this marked a whole new level of controlling.
“His list. It’s for your own good, Kristia. Don’t look at me like that.”
“There’s a list?” I was incredulous.
“Yes, a list.” Inga tossed her hair. “Nobody remotely resembling an elf. Nobody I can’t identify right away.” The knocking on the door interrupted her. “And no Skadi.”
“Why no Skadi?”
“Because word around Asgard is she went completely mental when she found out Ull’s marrying you. She’s all kinds of hung up on him, even after all this time. Her ex-boyfriend, Njord, told Gunnar, who told Ull, who flipped out. With her history of instability—” Inga broke off, clapping her hand to her mouth.
“Let me get this straight. The goddess Thor handpicked for Ull is in love with my fiancé? She’s unstable? And Ull knew she was mad at me?” My dream about Skadi had been a vision after all. I sifted through my memory, trying to cherry-pick the most relevant bits from the apparition.
“Well, it hardly matters what Thor wanted, does it? Ull never liked her. Or anyone.” That was the mootest of moot points I’d ever heard.
“Inga Andersson, I am here to congratulate the groom and bride-to-be. Now let me in.” Skadi’s singsong was loud enough for the entire street to hear.
“Oh for goodness sake.” I stood and waddled to the door, mindful of my drying polish. “I’ll handle this myself.”
“Kristia, no.” Inga blocked my path. “Ull will kill me.”
“I’m strongly considering violence against Ull. Who makes a list of people I’m not allowed to talk to?” I mean, really?
“Kristia please,” Inga pleaded. “I will get in so much trouble if you open that door.”
“Oh Great Odin, this is ridiculous. I just want to wish the happy couple my best.” Skadi sounded anything but congratulatory.
“For the thousandth time, Ull is not the boss of me.” I gritted my teeth at my friend.
“Inga.” The voice coming from outside sounded strained.
I flipped my head over and ran my fingers through the roots to give it volume. Pasting on my finest fake smile, I pushed Inga out of the way and opened the door.
If I’d been expecting the almost-pretty female from my dream, I was about to be disappointed. Skadi was still tall and muscular, and hardly what I would have called feminine, but as I took in the woman who was clearly more goddess than mortal, an unsettling churning formed in the pit of my stomach. The Skadi standing on Inga’s porch was much hotter than the one in my mind. Her once-mousy hair was a glossy chestnut that practically bounced across her broad shoulders, and her low-cut top revealed just eno
ugh cleavage to make me wonder if Asgardians had access to plastic surgery.
“Skadi?” The woman’s appearance was not wasted on Inga. “Is that really you? You’re so…” For once my verbose friend was at a loss. “…so put together.”
“Nice of you to notice.” Skadi shifted her weight so she was facing me and I could see her muscular quads strain beneath tight jeans. Her movements were strong, powerful, and timed with the precision of a snake poised to strike. She was graceful in the way all Asgardians are, but her mannerisms reminded me more of Gunnar’s than Inga’s—she lacked the elegance I’d come to expect of a goddess.
And the glint in her eye made it clear she was meaner than a wet mountain lion.
“You were a bigger tomboy than me in school. What happened to you?” Inga’s eyes were locked just south of where propriety would have dictated.
“Goddesses change, Inga. I grew up; that’s all.” And out, by the looks of her chest. I wondered just how familiar Ull was with the improved Skadi. “Besides, I’ve never been to your adopted realm. I hope I didn’t overdo it on the human clothes. I understand these frightfully uncomfortable pants are in style here. I can’t imagine why.”
“Skinny jeans.” Inga nodded in spite of herself. “They’re not my favorite either, but they make your legs look amazing when worn with the proper heel.” She eyed Skadi’s shiny black pumps, which added four inches to her already impressive height. If she towered over me in my dream, she was now positively a giantess. “Those are nice,” Inga muttered begrudgingly.
Footwear hardly seemed to matter at the moment. A striking Amazonian immortal was standing in my doorway with a body that could put a supermodel to shame. Every hair was in place, and her face had been made-up with an expert hand. To top it off, the amply-bosomed woman, whose modesty ran on the opposite end of the spectrum from mine, could obviously crush me with her gargantuan lady biceps. The only way to get the better of her would be to out-charm her. It was the one advantage Mormor had given me.
“Hello,” I said sweetly, burying my insecurity. “You must be Skadi. Won’t you come in?”
Inga seemed to remember her role. She crossed her arms and shook her head at me. “Great, Kristia. Now I have to deal with Ull.”
“I’ll deal with him, thank you very much,” I hissed out of the corner of my mouth. “Have a seat,” I gestured toward the couch. “We were just enjoying Inga’s treats. Would you care for a cake pop?”
Skadi stared at me. Her eyes moved up and down as she took in every detail of my appearance with latent curiosity. I guess she hadn’t had a grandmother who drilled manners into her from the time she could walk. Her loss.
“I have no idea what that is, but sure. I’d love to try a cake pop.” Her raspy voice wasn’t doing her any favors in the femininity department, but as she crossed the threshold in her four-inch heels, it was clear she was doing her best to work with what she’d been given. She peered at me from under false eyelashes laden with mascara and topped with heavily-glittered lids. I doubted this whole look was for my benefit.
“So.” Skadi confirmed my suspicion as she settled herself on the couch. “Is it just the three of us? Or do I get to congratulate the groom-to-be, too?”
“Oh, Gunnar and Ull are out fishing.” Inga stayed where she was, arms firmly crossed over her chest. “If you’re here to make another pathetic move on Ull, you’ll have to wait.”
“I’m not here for Ull.” Skadi crossed her unnaturally long legs. “I actually wanted to meet you, Kristia.”
“How lovely.” I sat on the opposite end of the couch and crossed my ankles. “Please help yourself.” I gestured to the plate. From the doorway I heard a delicate “harrumph.”
“You’re here to meet Kristia.” Inga stalked over to stand directly behind me. “And why, exactly, are you suddenly interested in her?”
“Oh, Inga.” Skadi took a bite of the treat and chewed thoughtfully. “These are good.”
“I know,” Inga grumbled. “Now why are you here?”
“To welcome Kristia, of course. If the rumors are true, she’s going to be one of us.”
“Yes. So?”
“So, she’ll be the first Asgardian convert… ever.”
“Not ever.” Inga placed her hands on the back of the couch. “Didn’t you come from another realm? Come to mention it, you’ve never told us exactly where you’re from.”
“Oh, I’m not here to talk about me.” Skadi laughed, an awkward chortle that betrayed her discomfort. “I’m here to meet Ull’s bride.”
“We’ve established that.”
“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Skadi,” I held my fake smile firmly in place. “Is this really your first time here?”
“It is.”
“How are you finding it?”
“Honestly?” Skadi reached for another cake pop. “It’s a lot more crowded than I’d thought it would be.”
“Well, Cardiff is a pretty big city.” I fell into the banter of polite small-talk as calmly as if I were at one of Mormor’s bridge parties. “Just an hour’s drive from here you’ll find the countryside to be much more open—a lot like I imagine Asgard must be.”
“That’s right, you’ve never been to Asgard.” Skadi brushed an invisible fleck off her flimsy top.
“No. You’ll have to tell me about it.”
“It’s just wonderful. It has much more beauty than anything in this realm.”
“Hey.” Inga’s tone lowered at the thinly-veiled dig.
“Oh, Inga. What I’ve seen of Midgard is pleasant enough, but even you can’t honestly believe it compares to Asgard. I’m sure you’ll agree when you’re invited to see it, Kristia.”
“I like it here,” Inga insisted. “And if you don’t, you can just leave.”
“Inga,” I hissed over my shoulder. “Be nice.” If there was one thing I’d learned from watching reality television, it was to never anger a crazy houseguest.
“So is it true, Kristia? Have you really tamed Ull?” Skadi stared at me with doe-eyes, the picture of girlish innocence.
“Well, we’re engaged, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“After all these years…” Skadi sat back. “I’d never have imagined Ull would fall in love with a human, of all creatures. No offense.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Inga huffed.
“I’ve got this,” I whispered over my shoulder before turning to Skadi. “It’s amazing, isn’t it? After everything Ull’s been through.” I kept my tone light. “To think, he’s never met anyone who caught his eye.”
“That’s what they’re telling you? Well, he wasn’t always a saint.” Skadi smirked. “But humans are awfully skittish, as mortal beings go. I can understand why he wouldn’t be honest with you. You might run away.”
“Oh, you must mean those awful years he spent fighting. He told me all about them. Poor Ull.” I forced my face into a sympathetic mask to belie my growing irritation. If Skadi thought she could come in here and undermine our relationship, she didn’t have the sense God gave a goose.
“Indeed.” Skadi leaned forward. “Aren’t you at all nervous to be marrying an assassin? Do you worry that he might hurt you?”
“Ull would never.” I shook my head. “He’s so sweet with me.”
“It doesn’t get old? Knowing he can never fully be himself with you?”
“I don’t know what you mean, Skadi. Ull’s been honest with me since day one. I’ve never met anyone who’s so concerned with making me happy, who wants to take care of me in every possible way.” I blushed, thinking of the ways Ull intended to take care of me in the very near future.
Skadi tensed from head to toe, then adjusted her cleavage to its best advantage. “Isn’t that nice. Well, I’m so happy for the two of you. You’re going to be the first human-born Asgardian. You must be terribly pleased with how things have turned out.”
“I am very happy, thank you.”
“Anything else?” Inga hadn’t moved
from her sentinel behind me.
“Why, Inga Andersson, are you kicking me out?” Skadi batted her thick lashes.
“I’m not sure what to make of you today.”
“Fair enough.” Skadi stood and turned for the door. “Tell Ull I stopped by. You’ll have to come over to my place when you’re allowed in Asgard.” She got in her last dig. “If you like these cake pops, you’ll love my kransekake.”
“You can cook now, too?” Inga’s eyes dropped to Skadi’s blouse again. “Who are you?”
“I told you, Inga, I’ve changed. I just want to make Kristia feel welcome, that’s all. I remember what it’s like to be the new girl.”
“Thank you, Skadi. That was very generous of you.” I stood and followed her to the porch. “Ull and I will be sure to stop by together when we’re in your realm.”
“Please do.” Skadi was cut off as Inga closed the door.
“Inga! That wasn’t nice.” But I couldn’t help giggling.
“I don’t care. That woman is horrible.”
“There did seem to be something off about her,” I agreed. “But I wouldn’t worry too much—the sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s tail all the time.”
“What does that mean?” Inga asked.
“Just that she’ll get what’s coming to her.”
“I sure as Helheim hope so.” Inga grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the couch. “She’s usually not that subtle. You should hear the mouth on the real Skadi. I couldn’t figure out what her game was today. Do you see why she’s on the no-access list?”
“Ull was never into her, was he?” I hated to hammer a dead horse, but the image of the busty Amazon woman in body-hugging pants was burning a hole in my brain.
“Oh my goodness, stop asking that. I told you, he’s never been into anyone. You’re the first girl he’s ever loved.”
“You realize that’s completely unbelievable, right? He’s like, a billion years old.”
“You greatly underestimate Ull’s stubborn streak. He said he wasn’t going to fall for anyone, and Odin’s ravens, he didn’t. Until you.” Inga gave me a pointed look.
“Whatever. What was that bit about remembering what it’s like to be the new girl? What’s her story?” Our visit with Skadi had taken so long our toes were dry. We began applying our first coat to our fingers.
