Divine and Dateless

by Tara West

  I told myself I couldn’t care less he'd never called on me when he’d promised. That he had to tell Inés to tell me he couldn't make it. I had a dog, after all. I had no need for a man anymore. Of course, that’s what I kept telling myself.“Hey, stranger," I said with a shrug as I pretended indifference.

  He flashed a sideways smile, one that said he wasn't buying my nonchalance. "I heard you got a dog."

  “Not just a dog, but my best friend in all of eternity.” I emphasized the best friend part so Grim got the hint he was no longer top dog, not that he'd ever been my top dog, anyway.

  “May I pet him?” he asked.

  I squared my shoulders as I peered down at Jack. He'd been by my side the whole time, and damn him, he hadn't growled once. That crazy tail of his had been smacking my ankles as he waited impatiently to meet my visitor.

  “Sure,” I answered reluctantly before throwing open the door.

  When Grim knelt down, Jack charged him, nearly knocking him over as his whole backside wagged in rhythm to his tail.

  “Hey, boy." Grim laughed as my traitorous dog showered him with kisses. "I think he likes me.”

  “He likes everyone,” I said with a huff as I averted my gaze, not wanting to witness my best friend's treachery a moment longer. Jack was a friendly dog, but I'd never seen him act so affectionate with a stranger. I thought my protector was supposed to have better instincts. He should have sensed Grim was trouble, and at the very least, bit him in the balls.

  “Sorry I haven’t been around." Grim rose and continued to pat Jack's head. "I’ve had to work overtime.”

  “No problem." I waved him away as if he were an annoying fly buzzing around my face. "I’m been busy with Jack anyway.”

  "I can’t believe he’s here. Now that's what I call loyalty." He flashed what appeared to be a genuine smile as he combed thick fingers through all of that gloriously wavy hair. Boy, what I wouldn't give to run my fingers through that hair, too... while he was tunneling into me.

  What the hell was wrong with me? How did this guy know exactly how to unleash my inner slut? I swear no other man had ever made me this horny.

  I shook my head, trying to purge my brain of all those impure thoughts. I needed to get my mind out of the gutter, and if at all possible, locked up somewhere in a convent. Besides, though I was afraid to know the truth, I had to ask Grim a question that had been plaguing me. "Why didn’t Jack reincarnate?"

  He shrugged and absently held his hand down while Jack licked his fingers. I never thought I'd be jealous of a dog. "I suspect he’s been waiting for you."

  Wow. Knowing my dog cared this much for me both delighted and humbled me. I fell to my knees and patted my thigh. Jack turned from Grim and lavished me with sloppy kisses, mopping up the tears that were cascading down my cheeks and slowly mending each crack of my broken heart. I stroked his back as he continued to smother me with love. I didn't care that Grim witnessed my moment of weakness. Besides, I felt stronger than ever with Jack by my side.

  Grim cleared his throat. “So did you take him to work?”

  “I did," I said as I continued to stroke Jack's fur. I tilted my chin and looked up at Grim. "And then I quit.”

  His eyes widened. “What do you mean, you quit?”

  Sensing I was about to be lectured, I rose on shaky legs and leveled Grim with a challenging glare. “My boss told me I couldn’t bring Jack anymore, so I walked out.”

  “Ash." Grim groaned. "Please tell me you’re joking.”

  “I’ve dealt with asshole employers before,” I snapped. “I’ll find a new job.”

  “This isn’t Earth." Grim's voice rose several octaves. "You can’t just quit your job and expect to get a new one.”

  Jack leaned against my leg and whimpered. That would have been a good time for him to hone his attack dog skills. Grim’s patronizing tone was grating on my last nerve.

  I crossed my arms. “Actually, I can and I did.”

  “There are no temp agencies here, Ash." He waved his hands wildly in the air. "Your job is assigned to you by your creditor, and there aren’t unemployment benefits in Purgatory, either. If you don’t work, you don’t earn credits, and if you don’t earn credits, you start losing them.”

  Oh, crap. What had I done? I swallowed a knot of panic, but it didn’t do much good. My throat had suddenly gone dry. “What happens then?” I rasped.

  My limbs froze when he fixed me with a no bullshit glare. “You get knocked down levels.”

  “Shit!” I stomped a foot and Jack whined. “Why didn’t anyone tell me that?”

  This Purgatory business sucked. All these rules, and I had no idea how to play the game.

  “Maybe you can get your job back,” Grim suggested.

  There was no way in Hell I was getting that job back. Besides, if I couldn’t take my dog with me, I didn’t want it. “I don’t want that job. They won’t let me bring Jack.” I cringed when I thought about my grand exit today. “Besides, I kinda burned my bridges there.”

  Grim shook his head, groaning. “When is your next appointment with your creditor?”

  I remembered the little business card Lovelace handed me on the way out of my first awkward appointment. “This Saturday,” I said as my chest deflated. I wasn’t exactly feeling overly confident our next meeting would go over well, especially not after Mr. Dallin relayed to Lovelace my extended middle finger.

  Grim fixed me with a stern look. “When you go, apologize and ask for a new job. You’ll have to be on your best behavior.” He folded his arms, scowling down at me as if I was a wayward child. “Do you think you can do that?”

  “Uh… sure,” I lied, so very tempted to ask him to define “best behavior,” but I was fairly certain I’d caused enough trouble for one day.

  “Oh, hey, I didn’t see you there.”

  Just my luck I ran into Hammerhead again at my creditor’s office. As if today wasn’t going to be difficult enough. I looked up at him as a trail of blood dripped down his neck.

  “Hello, miss.” He said as he flashed that corn-fed smile. Once again, he was hogging the entryway to Lovelace’s office, and I couldn’t get past him without ducking under his arm and risking being splattered with blood.

  Ewww!

  Poor guy. He might have been really cute without that object jutting out of his head. Sure, his eyes had a dull quality that said maybe his IQ wasn’t much higher than his shoe size, although considering he was suffering from a bit of brain trauma, I wasn’t expecting him to be the sharpest pencil in the box. Once upon a time, he’d been gorgeous, a Midwest Adonis, and now he’d been reduced to Hammerhead Fred.

  Such a shame.

  “This your dog?” he asked in a slightly slurred monotone as he bent down to pet Jack.

  I wasn’t positive, but I thought Mr. Corn-fed had been hitting the home brew.

  Jack wagged his tail and then licked his blood crusted fingers. Yuk! I made a mental note to get doggie mouthwash at the supermarket.

  “Yeah,” I answered as I tried to pull Jack’s leash back. “He is.”

  Hammerhead laughed as Jack continued to lick his fingers. I yanked on his leash again, feeling kind of bad when Jack grunted and then gagged.

  “Well, I’d better get to my appointment,” I said as I quickly scurried underneath his arm, dragging Jack with me.

  “I knew I’d like you. I’ve got a thing for animals, too.” I turned and the guy was beaming at me, his grin nearly stretching from ear to bloodied ear.

  “Is that so?” I yanked on Jack’s leash again.

  My damn dog was straining against me, his gaze centered on the guy’s bloody fingers. Sheesh! I’d fed him a huge omelet and bacon for brunch, and he was already hungry.

  As I pulled my whimpering dog toward the secretary and checked in, I tried really hard not to look over my shoulder. I didn’t hear the door shut behind Hammerhead, which meant he was still in the room. Hopefully, he was tying his shoelace or adjusting his head handle. I really did
n’t want him to stick around, not just because talking to him was awkward, but I feared my dog would try to lick his wound. After pushing Jack’s nose away from my crotch all week, I’d already realized he had a thing for blood. Thankfully, Aunt Flo had finally packed her things and left me alone for another three weeks. Although I missed the excuse to gorge on chocolate, I could have done without the cramps, pimples, and crotch-sniffing canine.

  After just about everyone in the office smothered Jack with affection, I finally turned around and headed for an uncomfortable seat in the corner. My shoulders stiffened when I saw Mr. Brain Trauma still staring at me from the doorway.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him make his way toward us. I pasted on a smile when he sat beside me, his handle clanking against the wall as he rattled the seats with his brutish body.

  I cringed and then straightened my face when I saw the scowls of others around me. I recognized a few of them from my first appointment. Last thing I needed was Lovelace finding out I was rude.

  Okay, Ash, play nice. You’re already on Lovelace’s shit list.

  He turned to me with a lopsided grin, spittle flying out of his mouth as he spoke. “You got an appointment with Lovelace?”

  Bingo! Ten points to Mr. Obvious.

  I wiped his spray off my cheek, trying to keep an impassive face. “Uh… isn’t he the only creditor in this office?”

  “Yeah, he is.” Hammerhead shrugged.

  Okay, Einstein, so why’d you ask me if I was here to see him?

  “Today was my last appointment,” he said, beaming as a drop of blood trickled down his cheek. “As soon as Lovelace files my paperwork, I should be escorted to the Penthouse, probably in a week or two.”

  “That’s great,” I said, the enthusiasm in my voice sounding like a popped balloon. “Good for you.”

  “I shot straight to level thirteen ‘cause I did so much volunteer work for animal charities. Been working in Purgatory for almost a year. That’s why I didn’t want to waste no credits on surgery.” He tapped his obstruction, causing a spray of blood to hit the wall behind us. “God’s gonna get rid of my hammer soon enough.”

  “What hammer?” I put on my best shocked face, feigning stupidity. “Oh, that!” I bent forward and waved at his head. “I totally forgot it was there.”

  “Really?” he said in surprise.

  “Yeah.” I tilted my chin. “Are you styling your hair different? Because it’s hardly noticeable.”

  Liar, liar, pants burning in the thirteenth sublevel of Hell.

  His dull eyes sparked. “Yeah, I’m combing it over more.”

  “Well, that seemed to do the trick,” I said with perhaps too much enthusiasm. My mouth was starting to hurt from all that forced smiling, but as I noticed nods of approval from the others in the room, I decided to keep up the charade. Maybe word would get back to Lovelace. “Look.” I dropped my smile and put on what I hoped was a somber expression. “I wanted to apologize for my outburst last week.”

  “No problem.” He shrugged, dropping his gaze to his hands folded in his lap. “It happens sometimes.”

  “I still feel really bad.” It took all my effort to lean in and squeeze his forearm. “If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you—” I paused, cutting myself off midsentence. What the hell was wrong with me? I should have stopped at sorry.

  Bile projected into the back of my throat when I saw his vacant eyes light up, kind of the same way Jack had looked at me that morning when I was frying bacon.

  I swear I saw a drop of drool hanging from his lip. “You can have lunch with me.”

  Uh, Hell would have to freeze over first.

  “W-well,” I stammered as my brain raced to come up with a lie. “I’d love to, but I’ve got these dietary restrictions, and I can't eat at many places.”

  Especially not with people who are dripping fluids out of their brains.

  “You pick the place," he said. "Maybe you can bring your dog.” He nodded to Jack before petting him on the head. My traitorous dog leaned forward, resting his jowls on Hammerhead’s knee. “You don’t see too many dogs around these parts.”

  “Yeah, I guess not,” I mumbled. “I just wish he wasn’t so friendly.”

  Hammerhead scratched the back of his neck, his facial features scrunching up as if I’d just asked him to recite the Periodic Table of the Elements, or maybe just add two plus two. “Huh?”

  “Never mind.” I covered my ears as the cuckoo clocks started chiming the noon hour.

  Poor Jack didn’t like the birds, either. He howled and howled in time to their obnoxious chirps.

  Okay, Loveass. Time to see me now.

  “We can grab a bite after your appointment,” Hammerhead said.

  Damn. The boy didn’t take no for an answer. I briefly wondered if the person who’d stuck that hammer in his skull was an annoyed love interest.

  “I don’t know.” I placed my hand on my stomach, groaning as I leaned back, pretending I was my grandpa after eating my grandma’s home cooking. “I’m still full from breakfast.”

  He hung his head and his lip turned a pout like a child who’d just been sent to time out. “If you don’t want to go out with me, just say it.” His words punched the stagnant air with a jarring tenor that shook me to my core.

  The cramped waiting room was awash in disapproving looks and clucking tongues. I felt the urge to duck, fearing everyone would start pelting me with rotten tomatoes.

  “I’d love to go out with you,” I said through a frozen smile.

  If by love, you mean I now have the uncontrollable urge to vomit all over the dirty, weather-worn carpet.

  “Great.” His hammer jiggled as he stood, making a squishy sound as it scraped the wall again. “I’ll wait for you in the lobby.” He wiped the bloody smear down his pants and walked away.

  Wow. My first date in Purgatory was going to be the date from Hell.

  I walked into my creditor’s office after a short one-hour wait.

  Maybe it was a good sign I didn’t have to wait as long as last time. Maybe Mr. Lovelace was ready to shit out whatever bug had died in his ass. Or maybe his scowling secretary wouldn’t have ushered me to my appointment if Jack hadn’t started peeing on the furniture.

  “Hi, Mr. Lovelace.” My tone was dripping with syrup so thick, I was practically having an insulin overload.

  He looked at me over the rim of his thick glasses. “So is this the dog?”

  “This is Jack.” I did my best to keep a neutral expression on my face as I sat in the chair facing his desk. I didn’t like the way he’d sneered when he’d said “the dog,” as if the words left a sour taste in his mouth.

  Jack sat beside me, and I instinctively started stroking the back of his neck, in case he was upset by my creditor’s bad vibes.

  Lovelace rose from his chair and leaned his knuckles on the top of his weather desk. “He’d better be potty trained.”

  I wanted to tell him his zipper was half-way down. Actually, I wanted to share a few more choice words with the jerk, but I managed to restrain myself as I spoke with frozen features. “He is,” I lied. His secretary obviously hadn’t told him about my dog’s accident in the waiting room.

  I stroked Jack’s neck harder, cringing when I felt the vibration of his low growl beneath my fingertips.

  Please don’t bite my creditor, Jackie. I already have enough to be sorry for.

  “I’ve never liked animals.” He glared at my best friend as if he was carrying a case of the plague.

  I turned up my chin, forcing a smile that nearly split my face in two. “That’s too bad. You don’t know what you’re missing.”

  “Fleas, worms, chewed up shoes….” He pushed his glasses up the rim of his nose while fixing me with a smug expression. “Not to mention getting people fired from their jobs.”

  Ahhhh, there’s that guilt trip I’d been waiting on. I cleared my throat and tried to flash another smile, but the longer I stared into his bug-eyed
glare, the harder it was to maintain my ass-kissing, sweet-talking façade. “About that job. I don’t think I was suited for it anyway.”

  “You’re right.” He sat down at his computer and tapped the keys. Then he motioned toward his ancient printer, which started spitting out a ream of paper. “I’ve found something better for you. I’m reassigning you to beautification.”

  My spine stiffened. I didn’t like the smirk that played at his thin lips, as if he was hiding a dirty little secret. “What’s that?”

  “Clean-up.”

  My jaw dropped. “You mean I’m going to be a custodian?” I wouldn’t have put it past Lovelace to put me on toilet duty. Whatever the hell I’d done to him in our past lives had to have been pretty awful, because I was starting to think this guy had it in for me.

  “More like a maintenance worker,” he said. “You’ll be assigned to a local park."

  The tension which had coiled around my neck eased ever so slightly. Picking up trash at the park I could handle, especially as the people on level thirteen seemed to be pretty clean. I mean, some stranger had gladly picked up Jack’s poop for me the other day. Maybe park duty wouldn’t be so bad. “I guess that’s okay. Jack loves the park.”

  “And he can help chase away the rats,” he said as he ripped the printout off the spool and began folding it.

  “Rats?” I gasped. “I haven’t seen any rats on thirteen.”

  He leaned over my chair with a smile, slapping the printout in my hand. “There aren’t any maintenance openings on thirteen. You’ll be on two.”

  I shot out of my chair. “You’ve got to be shitting me!” I threw my hands in the air. “You can’t expect me to work on level two.”

  “Why not?” He shrugged. “I do.”

  I was so angry, I was barely aware of Jack growling. Apparently, he wasn’t fond of chasing rats, either.

  “But cleaning up the slums?” I stepped forward, jutting a finger in my creditor’s hollow chest until he stepped back against the wall. “I don’t know what I did to you back on Earth, but this is totally unfair and you know it.”