Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Gerry Bartlett

Page 31

 

  “Cool. I get to see you vamps shape-shift. I love that. ” Trina clapped her hands. “Go for it, Glory. What do you like to turn into?”

  “Nothing. ” The way I felt, I wondered if I even could shift. Brittany threw open the French doors.

  “Mia amica, are you sure you want to do this?” Flo rubbed what must be her lipstick from the corner of my mouth and gave Trina a superior look. “You don’t look well. ”

  “Sure. I’m okay. And I’ll feel great after I feed from Trina. That really charges my battery. ” I enjoyed the cool breeze on my face and already felt marginally better. “I’m just down from not getting the rest I’m used to. It’s a weird feeling. But it’s got to be temporary. And tomorrow night is my fitting. ” I sighed. “I called Zia and told her to warn the designers that I’d been losing weight. She laughed it off. Probably figured I’d only lost a pound or two. ”

  “Wait till they see you, girlfriend. So skinny. They’ll be blown away. ” Flo grinned. “This Zia, she is smart. Reality shows, they like the drama. Your designers will be going crazy trying to make the dresses fit. ”

  I held on to the balcony railing, working up the courage to shift. “Guess this is worth it. ” The street was far below us and there was a beautiful sky above. A clear night, cool breeze and the lights of L. A. made me actually feel like flying for a change. It had to be better than standing on these aching feet. I leaned against Flo when she put her arm around me. “Of course it is. Totally. ”

  Flo frowned. “I hope so. ” She hugged me. “Be careful. Brittany, Valdez, take care of her. Don’t let her out of your sight. ”

  “You bet. ” Valdez bumped my hip.

  “Hey, we’re two on two. ” Brittany checked out Ian’s bodyguards. “No, make that two on zip. These guys are lame-ass losers. ”

  “Oh? You want to go another round?” Surfer number one got in Brittany’s face.

  “Settle, children. ” Ian stood beside me, looking me over again. “You think you can shift, Glory?”

  “I sure hope so. Just never has been my favorite thing to do. You guys go ahead. Valdez and I will be last. ” I saw Brittany and Ian’s guards change and fly out following Ian’s directions.

  “We don’t have to do this. Grab your sunglasses and a scarf and I’ll do my Doberman thing. We’ll go out the back. ” Valdez nudged me.

  “No, I can do this. ” I closed my eyes, pictured a bat and flew out into the night sky. Valdez stayed by my side. I looked down and soon saw the park Ian had described. I actually felt better as the bat. Not so much stomach to ache. Too bad I couldn’t fly around here forever. I saw Trina jog out of the hotel entrance and down the street. I dive-bombed her just for the hell of it, enjoying her shrieks as I snatched at her hair. See? I’m not always sweet, easygoing Glory.

  When Trina arrived at the park and the waiting guards, I landed on the ground next to her and concentrated on shifting back. For a moment, I stalled. Yep, there was a real scary hesitation. Maybe because I knew my stomach pain was waiting for me. That and my aching feet. But I finally got a grip on my reluctance and did the necessary.

  “Ah, there you are. Hey, you attacked me. ” Trina laughed.

  “That was so cool. ” Obviously nothing fazed Trina. “And when you shifted . . . Man, you were just a blur and then off into the sky. Amazing!”

  “Great, glad I could entertain you. Now, let’s go. ”

  “Stop! You’re hurting. So you need to stretch. ” Trina got serious. She led me through a bunch of exercises that did work the kinks out of my knotted leg and thigh muscles.

  “We’ll start slow and then you can put on some speed if you feel like it. I know you vamps—you can run really fast if you want to. I hope you won’t just leave me in your dust, though. I hate it when vamps do that. It makes me feel so inadequate. ” She sighed. “I can’t wait till Ian makes me a vampire. ”

  I sat on a bench and patted the seat beside me. “Sit down for a minute, Trina. I want to talk to you. ”

  “We really should go. We’re already warmed up. ” She jogged in a small circle.

  “We can get warm again. Sit. ” I pulled her down. “Now, listen. About becoming a vampire . . . ”

  “I know. It’s so fantastic. Ian says you’re over four hundred years old and look at you! You could pass for under twenty-one anywhere. I bet you’re carded all the time in clubs. ”

  I sighed. “Get a grip, Trina. They don’t card anyone in a vampire club and I wouldn’t bother going to a mortal one because I can’t drink alcohol. ”

  “No chocolate martinis? No lemon drops?” Trina smiled. “I may be a bit of a fitness freak, but I do like my cocktails. ”

  “Forget cocktails. Alcohol and vampires don’t mix. ” I shook my head. “Listen carefully now, Trina. Yes, I’ve lived that long and, no, I’ve never aged. I’ve never had children either. That part of you dies along with the rest of you when you’re turned vampire. Ian explain that?”

  “No. ” Trina got a thoughtful look. “But I probably wouldn’t be a good mother anyway. I can’t even keep a plant alive. And if I had kids first, then turned vampire, I’d either have to make them vampire too someday or watch them grow old and die. That would be a bummer, wouldn’t it?”

  Valdez snorted. Bummer. A word you’d use if your favorite TV program was preempted by a news break. Trina didn’t have a clue how permanent this decision was.

  Brittany was watching Ian’s men, who were obviously too bored to pay attention to a conversation they’d probably heard a thousand times. How many of these mortals had Ian used? And how many had actually made it to immortality? A quick romp through Thing One’s mind alarmed me. These mortals were disposable. Trina wasn’t about to get to the exalted level of vampire. When she started slowing down on the track or became too whiny for Ian’s taste, she’d be discarded, passed around among the guards at playtime, and they didn’t care if she accidentally got drained dry.

  Unfortunately, this was a common mind-set among old-school vamps. Damn. And here I thought Ian had evolved along with his love of technology.

  No way could I yell, “Run!” right here in front of the guards. But, before I was done with this program, I was going to have to figure out how to get her away from Ian. I was afraid the good old whammy wasn’t going to be enough. If Trina was a true vamp groupie, she’d just go home to an apartment painted black with the usual shrine to all things vampire and begin her obsession all over again. And Ian would know where to find her too.

  “Trina, don’t you like to eat?” I trotted out what I missed most about being mortal.

  “I’m a vegan. Not much joy in eating anymore. I can’t bring myself to eat anything with a face. And now I’ve read that even plants have feelings. Doesn’t leave much that doesn’t make me feel guilty. ” Trina got up again. “You won’t talk me out of this, Glory. I’m determined. ” She started moving in that stupid circle again. “Come on. Get up. We need to get started. You’re going to run like the wind. ”

  “Yeah, well, I’m not even in breeze mode tonight, so let’s just do what we need to, so I can get down to my ideal weight. ” I knew a dead end when I hit one. I groaned as I got up and started off after her. She’d picked a trail through the trees that was well lit. We were followed by our two men, one woman and a dog, a real pack.

  She might be a dim bulb, but I had to admire Trina’s stamina. She was in great shape for a mortal. She kept a steady pace and basically ran a marathon with me beside her. I never heard her complain. No, she just listened to me whine when we hit an artificial hill that some demon of design had decided would challenge the runners in this park. And we ran the five-mile course a total of four times. So I saw that hill four times. I hated it. Finally we were both panting and starting what Trina called cooldown. She’d obviously studied at the same school of torture that Bill the trainer had.

  “Stretches and slow walking to finish this off, Glory.
Then we can go back to the hotel. ” Trina was glowing with the effects of our run. She obviously loved this stuff. A real twisted sister.

  “I’ve got an idea, Glory. ” Valdez was panting some himself, and he smelled like a wet fur rug.

  “What?” I leaned over and held on to my quivering knees.

  “We jog right into the lobby of the hotel. The paparazzi will love it. You out for a run surrounded by bodyguards. Maybe you even stop and give them a quote. Something to make them look forward to your appearance on the red carpet. ”

  “Not a bad idea, V. ” Especially since I wasn’t sure I had the energy to shift again. I straightened slowly. Thank God my stomach didn’t hurt as badly as it had when we’d begun. Maybe because my feet had taken over first place in the pain game. Loved my new running shoes. They were cushiony, advertised as walking on pillows of air. Well, after twenty miles my pillows had gone flat and each step felt like the Devil himself was using a pitchfork on my soles.

  “They’ll take my picture. How do I look?”

  “Like you’ve been working out. ” Trina brushed my hair out of my eyes. “Here. ” She pulled a hand towel off the belt holding her fanny pack at her waist. “Wipe off your face and get rid of the rest of the lipstick your friend planted on you. ” She grinned. “Now I have hope, sweetie. A little something goin’ on there? Even I have to admit Flo’s hot. Think she’ll ever want to do Ian’s program? Not that she needs it. ”

  “Afraid not. ” I didn’t bother denying anything. Whatever kept Trina off of me worked right now. I carefully blotted my face with the towel. “You got a hairbrush in there?”

  “Of course. Here. Or do you want me to do it for you?” She playfully held it up.

  “I can do it. ” I grabbed it and got to work. “Vamps always have to work without a mirror, you know. Another reason not to go there. You can’t imagine what a horrible challenge it is. ”