(Complete Rock Stars, Surf and Second Chances #1-5)

by Michelle Mankin

  “I know. It’s just that there’s a lot of practical stuff between wanting and having what we want. I think we both understand that.”

  “Yes.” My gut started to churn.

  “Ok. Well, one of the things that worries me is how public my life is going to be when I step out that door. There’s going to be a lot of questions about you and me, and I just wanted to be sure to answer them the way you want me to.”

  “Don’t answer them at all. It’s none of their business.”

  “That’s not realistic.” Her expression turned more melancholy. “Can we agree on something? An arrangement is fine. It might even be easier. People will believe that. It might make me look naive. But they’ll already think that. Like you said because you’re who you are, and I’m me. Not that it makes a difference. It’s just to the world looking in at us that’s what they’ll see.”

  “Fucking hell.”

  “Yeah.” She blew out a breath. “So arrangement it is. What about your sexual orientation? It’ll likely be one of the first things they hit me with.”

  “Again, none of their fucking business.”

  I took a step away from her, turning to the window, looking out and centering myself on the waves. Breathing in, breathing out.

  “I’m sorry. Sorry I brought this all raining down on you. I know you’re a very private person.”

  “I don’t want you to apologize, Fanny. You being in my life is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” I stretched out my arm. She walked past it directly into my body and wrapped her arms around my waist. I laid my arm around her shoulder and dipped my head to kiss the top of hers. She smelled like the sun setting on a long winter. Like a field of flowers opening up to the first touch of the spring. Like hope. She was everything I wanted. But she was right. There was always a price to pay for getting what we want.

  “The idea of an arrangement as far as the public is concerned is fine. As long as you remember that it’s not the truth. Not even close. As far as my sexual orientation, I hate and I mean I truly loathe that term. In the past I fucked who I wanted to fuck. It was only about physical attraction. But I loved who I loved, meaning just Linc, because of the person he was inside. The body is just a shell. The essence is the spirit. That’s why I fell in love with him. If his soul had been inside a female body I would have loved him the same. Gender doesn’t factor for me. It’s not an orientation, it’s just me. It’s who I am.”

  “You’re the one with a beautiful soul.” She squeezed me tighter. “That’s an eloquent explanation but it’s all very personal. Is that what you want me to say?”

  “I want you to say no comment or refer them to me. And I’ll tell them the same thing. I’m not out to change the world, Fanny. Behind the scenes, I’m active with certain organizations. You know I don’t tolerate abuse, mistreatment or bullying behavior whatever the reason or form it may take. But I just want to be free to live my life as I see fit.”

  “Which brings us back to us. How do you see us moving forward?”

  “Together. Whatever happens. I already talked some with Linc about it before I even kissed you.” I turned her toward me again. I needed to see her eyes. This was always the question for me with her. How to make two very different separate parts into a whole.

  The answer I had been searching for, it was in her gaze.

  And in the words she had spoken last night.

  But there was more to it, I realized. More to love than just knowing how you felt about someone and saying the words. There was so much more. Things we had just started to do. All those things she had noticed about me and her. Actions. Faith. Trust. Letting down your guard. And working out your problems together.

  “So,” I began.

  “Fanny!” Hollie yelled, banging on the door to the bedroom.

  “Just a sec, Hols.”

  “I’m so sorry I let him come up. I didn’t realize…”

  “Fanny.” A different voice. A male one. She stiffened, the eyes I had been staring into so intently widening as they slid to the side. “I need to see you. I want to know what’s going on. Right now.”

  • • •

  Fanny

  “I know, Tristan. I’m sorry you came all this way, but it doesn’t change how things are.” I certainly had no clue how he had convinced Olivia to let him follow her down from LA but here he was with her. Here we all were with lots of angry vibes zapping, radiating between the two alpha males in the room.

  “I came because of what we have… had.” He ran his hands through his long brown hair. “And I wanted to see for myself that you were ok.” He leaned forward from his seat on the couch to me and where I sat on the nearby chair.

  “I am. I’m well.”

  “I’ll take your word for it. I can certainly see that things are different for us now. It’s just hard to accept.” I felt the intensity of Ash’s interest spike. He sat at the table with Hollie and her agent, eating breakfast, but since Tristan and I had started talking I hadn’t heard one fork clang or a single dish clank.

  “Yes, I understand. A lot’s changed. It’s abrupt and unsettling when you’re outside the process of that occurring.” I realized now looking back that I had never let Tristan in the way I should have. If I had truly loved him the way he deserved, fully trusted him, I would have confided to him about Hollie’s circumstances before we had fled. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way.” My hands fluttered. If my sister and I hadn’t been in hiding I would have ended things with him before Ash had even kissed me. Tristan reached for me his fingers closing around my wrists.

  “Take your hands off her, Murphy.” Chair legs screeched across wood. Dishes rattled. “Or I’ll do it for you,” Ashland growled, his voice much closer. “Your choice.”

  “I can’t talk to you here.” Tristan chose to let them go. “I’ll come see you in LA after the press conference.”

  “Like hell you will.”

  “Ash,” I turned my head to find him standing right behind my chair, so of course I had to crane my neck back to look up at him. “I appreciate your concern.” Ash was a gorgeous Norse god towering over me, but more importantly than his looks, he held the key to my heart. Tristan was a handsome, boy next door type, a sweet, thoughtful guy I had hoped would help me forget about Ash. But seeing him today I realized that day would never have happened. Ash set too high a standard in my eyes for any guy to ever measure up. “But it’s ok. I’ve got this. I don’t need protection from Tristan. He’s not going to hurt me.”

  “Still, you keep your hands where I can see ‘em,” Ash insisted.

  “Fine. So Fanny,” he returned his gaze to me. “You’ve made your choice then?” Disbelief was evident in his tone. “You don’t even want to hear what I have to say?”

  “I’m sorry. I love him. It wasn’t anything I planned.” It was inevitable really, since I had never fully gotten over Ash in the first place. “I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Yeah you’ve said that already. It’s starting to hit me.” He gave me a wry look. “I really thought we had something special. Never considered moving in with anyone before. Definitely never considered getting married and the future and all. But seeing you with my little niece and nephew this Christmas, listening to you sing to them before I tucked them into bed, hearing your laughter as you played hide and seek with them, well it made me think about starting a family of my own and us giving the little house and white picket fence thing a try together.”

  “I’m sorry, Tristan.” I wanted those things, sure. Most women did. But marriage? Children? My thoughts never went that far with him. “I don’t know what else I can say.”

  “Yeah. Well. Good luck and all. I truly am glad you’re alright. You and Hollie.”

  “Thanks.” I stood after he stood and walked him to the door. He leaned close after I opened it and started to reach for my arm but thought better of it at the last minute. I think the heavy footsteps behind me had something to do with it. But he did lean in and press a soft
kiss cheek to my cheek.

  “For closure.” He flashed his dimple.

  “For closure,” I repeated, taking his hand and squeezing it remembering why I had so much warm affection for him.

  “Bye, Fanny,” he said, stepping out into the hall.

  “Goodbye, Tristan.” And I closed the door.

  “You were gonna make babies with Tristan Murphy?” Hollie teased.

  “No.”

  “Good, because he would have been a bigger kid than any children you might’ve had.” She turned her head. “Ash is the much better choice.”

  He was the only choice for me.

  The room seemed appallingly quiet all of a sudden. That’s when I think we both noticed Ash wasn’t standing beside us anymore. Nor was he at the table where Olivia resumed clacking away with her long fingernails on her iPad screen. I found Ash at the window, the one in the far corner of the living room. His hands were in the pockets of his board shorts. His shoulders were hunched. He was staring out at the water like I’d been earlier. It seemed odd to me that he had moved away. I had figured he’d want to quiz me about Tristan as soon as he left. A quick replay of the conversation with my former lover and my sister’s teasing had my muscles locking tight like his seemed to be.

  Babies.

  It hit me like a hammer, like it must have when the reality of his diagnosis had fully dawned.

  Disconsolate, I remembered now how he had been after hearing the news about Karen. Happy on the surface yet somehow distant. I suddenly felt that way as well. Achingly so. Never to have a child with the man you love when you’ve always dreamed of having a family. Perhaps a little girl. I would have named her Margaret after my mother. It was never meant to be.

  It was ok, though. I had blessings to count. Ash and I were together. He was healthy.

  Hollie picked up on what had happened, what the ramifications were at just about the same time as I did.

  “Oh, Fanny,” she mouthed, finding and squeezing my fingers. “I’m sorry.”

  I shook my head at her, also shaking my finger at her to be silent. I didn’t want her to make a bigger deal out of it than it already was. Ash was hurting right now. He was my priority.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  * * *

  Ashland

  “Hey.” I sensed her before she touched me. Her presence was a balm, but it didn’t heal this present wound. She wrapped her arms around me from behind and pressed her sweet body into mine. And I knew she knew. That she realized without me having to say the words what I could never give her.

  “Maybe he would’ve been the better choice.”

  “No.” I felt her stiffen. “He wouldn’t because I don’t love him.” Still she didn’t say it.

  “We can’t have a baby together, Fanny. There will never be a child who’s half me and half you. I won’t have unprotected sex with you and put you at risk of possibly contracting the virus. I wish things were different, but they’re not.”

  “It’s ok.”

  It wasn’t. It was one of those concerns that had loomed largely in my mind. Here as soon as our first night together was over. I turned, brought my hands up to her face and framed it. “Don’t take this wrong. I want you. Want whatever I can have of you. Even if it means long distance, weekends, scraps of your time. However we can have the most nights together like the one last night, the most days, too. But.” I pulled in a breath and stroked the silken skin of her cheeks with my thumbs. You’re twenty-two-years-old, Fanny. Your whole life is ahead of you. You could have children with someone else. Sex without condoms and pills.”

  “But not someone making love to me. Not me making love right back. Not you. Not me.” And if I didn’t already love her completely and irrevocably those words spoken without hesitation or forethought did me in. She was it. No other would do. No other could compare. No other was her. My Fanny Bay.

  “You are a very good thing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Oh yeah. And I want us to be a very good thing. Without any regrets or what ifs. So this is what I suggest. You go with your sister. Do the LA press conference. Take Mr. Cash with you. Just in case. I want you both to be safe. Tie up any loose ends in your life, spiritually, physically, mentally. I touched her temple. Whatever you need to do to be certain. To be absolutely sure. Of me and you and what we have here, and also what we don’t and never will. Be certain on that. Because the way I’m feeling right now after one night with you and a handful of days is that you’re the one for me. I don’t need to think about it anymore. But you have options.”

  “I don’t.” She shook her head.

  “That’s the deal.” I pressed my fingertips to her mouth shushing her. “Two days. That’s it. That’s all I’m gonna be able to stand not knowing your choice.” It would be so much harder than the last time to move forward if she walked away. In fact, I wasn’t sure it would even be possible. “If you’re in, and I hope with everything that is within me that you are, meet me at the coffee house. The Cosmic cup. Manhattan Beach. Noon. Day after tomorrow. I’ll be there this time. Nothing will keep me away, and if you show I’ll know nothing’s keeping us apart ever again.”

  • • •

  Fanny

  His resigned expression before he kissed me tenderly and released me said he didn’t believe I would show up at the coffeehouse. I’d already given him myself and my love. But if it took this last step to bring him to the full realization that he had my heart and would never lose it then that was how it would be. I would do anything for him. And I knew that he would do anything for me. He just needed to take down the last bricks of the wall around him to see that truth inside himself and accept it.

  “Alright, Ash if that’s what you want. That’s what we’ll do. I’ll go get my things.”

  He nodded his head and his eyes radiated intensity as he stared. I knew he was committing every detail, every feature of mine to memory. I was certainly doing the same thing as I returned his perusal.

  Two days of no Ash was going to seem like forever.

  I was going to need those memories to tide me over.

  Speaking of memories. His favor. “My Lakers cap?” I swallowed to moisten my throat. It had gone dry as sand too far from the shore. “Have you seen it?”

  “The bedroom. On the dresser.”

  I nodded and turned to get it, feeling his gaze on me as I walked away.

  “You ok?” Hollie asked a few moments later as I sat on the bed, a fistful of sheet in one hand my Lakers cap in the other trying to hold onto what Ash and I had shared. Doing it alone would be hard, and I hadn’t even said goodbye yet.

  “No.” I shook my head.

  “I heard everything.” She sat down beside me. “It’s a big decision.” She pried my fingers apart from the sheet and took my hand.

  “There’s no decision. I’ll be there. I already know.”

  But he needs to know.

  “It’ll mean something, a big something to him to know that I choose him.”

  It would be a matter of faith. In himself most of all. He didn’t believe he was worthy of me. He truly thought the mistakes in his life had permanently marred him, like Victor Hugo’s tragic protagonist.

  He was wrong.

  He was no Quasimodo. Unlike Esmeralda, this gypsy had loved him from the start.

  “It is a big decision, Fanny. You’re the one who always pretended our stuffed animals were your children. I pretended they were famous actresses jetting off to exotic locales to film movies.”

  “Yeah,” I acknowledged sadly.

  “He’s a good guy,” she reminded me gently. “Take the space he’s giving you.”

  I nodded. It wasn’t like I had a choice. He was sending me away. “So…” I regathered the fortitude I’d let slip into the background since I had such a strong guy taking care of me. I gestured to the strewn clothing surrounding the Offshore bags. “What do we take?”

  “Why not take it all?”

  “I was thinking just the ones
I’ve worn. Karen mentioned her profit margin being small at the shop.”

  “Oh.” She gnawed on her lip. “I didn’t know. So you’re right. I’ll fold up the things that still have tags on them. Leave a thank you note.”

  “That would be nice.”

  “I have something in mind for the press conference.” She moved to kneel beside the sacks. “But we can talk more about that in the car.”

  “Alright.” I stood. “Sounds good.” I knelt down beside her. “Here, let me help you. It’ll go faster,” I added when it seemed like she might protest. We folded in silence for a while. There were a lot of clothes. Karen had been extremely generous. All Ash’s friends were. Our friends.

  “You’re always helping me, Fanny. Looking out for me. Best sister a girl could ever have. But I think I need to start taking more ownership of my life. When I think of what you did for me. Leaving your business behind. Going out on the streets every day taking risks while I hid from the world.”

  “I only did what I had to.” I paused mid-fold. “I’d do anything for you.”

  “Same.” She gave me a firm nod with tears glassing her pretty grey eyes. “I’m just trying to say I’m turning eighteen. I’ll be a grown up. It’s time for me to act one. And hopefully I’ll be as good a one as you.”

  “Thank you.” I reached for her hand and squeezed it. “But the way you’re going so far I’d say you’re going to be even better.”

  • • •

  “So this is it. I better say goodbye since Olivia has already gone down to start the car.” Hollie crossed to Ash. He stood by the door empty hands at his sides. Earlier he’d been at the table working on his practice pad. We’d heard him tapping away as we’d been folding. A staccato pattern I’d never heard him play before. His driving drum tempo was a signature of all the Dirt Dogs’ songs, but there was something different in this rhythm. It reminded me of U2’s music. Larry Mullen, Jr. A rousing martial beat. I wondered if Ramon mentioning his voice sounded like Bono had anything to do with it, or if he’d already been playing around with the rhythm a while. I wanted to ask him, but we were out of time.