All You Could Ask For

by Angeline Fortin

  “What do you want then?”

  “I just wanted to tell you, so when you do eventually go back home you will know that you carry my heart with you.” She placed a tender kiss to his chest.

  Jack’s heart clenched again in regret. “But, Kitty, we’re leaving at the end of the week. MacKintosh and I purchased our tickets yesterday for a berth on the RMS Germanic.”

  Kitty pushed away from him to stare in disbelief. “But I thought…”

  I thought we would have more time. I thought maybe eventually you would feel as I do, and we would marry and have a family.

  “MacKintosh feels he must return as he’s been away for more than six weeks already,” Haddington explained. “He has business obligations he must attend, and political ones as well. Even your sister has mentioned returning soon, you know.”

  She nodded. Eve had expressed a need to return before her pregnancy advanced too far. She also had obligations, as she had promised to see Moira out into Society. “But you…”

  “I also have business to attend to,” he told her. “I will admit it is not as urgent as MacKintosh’s, but I agreed to return with them. It hadn’t occurred to me you wouldn’t be joining us.”

  Kitty shook her head, in denial of his words as much as of her intention to stay. “I hadn’t thought to. The only reason I went was to avoid Freddie, after all. That problem has been neatly solved.”

  “Surely you would be happier in Scotland,” he argued, imagining a life in Scotland without her. He wanted her to come back. Needed her too, for reasons he refused to scrutinize. “You should.”

  “I don’t know.” Her mind warred with her heart. The latter urged her to go to Scotland with him, to love him while she could. The former insisted she should stay to avoid the heartbreak that would surely come to her at some point in the future. “I told Mother I would stay.”

  “She would understand,” he argued, all the while wondering why he bothered. Her confession would surely make relations between them uncomfortable in the days to come. Perhaps it would be better for him if she stayed and allowed them to make a clean break of it. It would be so much easier on both of them. Still he said, “You needn’t decide now. We booked a suite for you if you should change your mind.”

  “Perhaps.”

  “Come,” he pulled her back into his arms, pushing aside the panic that had arisen in his heart. “Let’s get some sleep, shall we? It’s been a long day.”

  But Jack did not sleep. Even as he held Kitty slumbering in his arms, his mind was fraught with denial. She couldn’t stay behind. He wanted her still, wanted the affair she had promised him.

  Wanted more…

  Chapter 39

  To love and win is the best thing;

  to love and lose, the next best.

  ~ William Makepeace Thackeray

  Four days later, Jack stared up at the gangplank to the RMS Germanic moored at the Port of New York, knowing he would be walking that plank alone. And like those pirates of old, dreaded that walk, already feeling as if he was drowning.

  Kitty was not coming with him.

  Them, he corrected.

  She had decided to stay in New York ‘for the time being’. What that meant, he wasn’t entirely certain. All he knew was she was done with him. He had spent these last days resisting the temptation to argue with her, to beg her to come. But she would not. As she had told him so frequently, it was for the best. He was doing his best to believe that.

  They pulled the Preston carriage right onto the pier while Maggie Preston’s servants unloaded their trunks, and Glenrothes’ valet and Evelyn’s maid and nursemaid directed them in their efforts to get the luggage on board. Kitty’s nursemaid held the hands of Eve’s little Laurie, Lord Shaftesbury, and wee Hannah, while the two sisters embraced endlessly and wept openly, each begging the other to write often and not to cry.

  They parted at last and Kitty turned to Francis while Eve hugged her mother. Kitty exchanged some low words with his friend before MacKintosh kissed first her hand then her cheek tenderly. She looked away with a nod, tears glimmering in her eyes, making Jack wonder what his friend had said to her.

  A tug at his arm drew his attention down to the wee lass who was slipping her tiny hand into his large, dark one. Squatting down on his haunches, Jack met Hannah at her own level, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth when she brushed her unruly locks out of her eyes with the back of her hand with unconscious impatience. The gesture would always remind him of her.

  “Uncle Jack, why do you have to go? Don’t you like us anymore?”

  Jack took her hands in his with a gentle squeeze. “I like you quite dearly. Didn’t we talk about this already, darling lass? I have to go home. I can’t stay here forever, even if I want to.”

  “But why not?”

  “I have responsibilities, lassie. Things I must see accomplished,” he answered her question patiently, though it seemed he had done so a hundred times already.

  Her lower lip trembled a bit before she cried plaintively. “But who will comb my hair? It hurts when nurse Betsy does it.”

  “Ask your mum, she will be glad to help,” he assured her, yet Jack nearly felt as if his own lip were trembling in return. “You must be a brave girl. We will see each other again one day.”

  “Are you certain?”

  “I am.”

  The little girl threw herself into his arms, almost knocking him off his feet, before he returned the embraced fiercely. “I will miss you, Uncle Jack,” she sobbed.

  “I will miss you, as well.” Jack kissed the top of her head, feeling an unfamiliar burn in his eyes, and stood with her in his arms as Kitty finally approached.

  They had said their good-byes earlier in private. It had been one of the most difficult moments of his life. Harder than he had imagined it might be. And something he had no desire to dwell upon. Instead, he offered a tight smile as she held out her arms for her daughter and Hannah fell into them with a sob.

  “You shouldn’t have let her come,” he chided in a low voice.

  “She deserved her chance to say goodbye,” she returned briskly, then cringed as the steamship blew its mighty horn while her daughter covered her ears with both hands. When the noise finally faded away, she offered Jack a shrug and a smile and pulled a flat envelope out of her pocket, holding it out to him. “I guess that means it’s time for you to go. Here, this is for you.”

  “What is it?” he asked suspiciously.

  “Don’t worry so.” She smiled. “Merely a parting gift. Promise you won’t open it until you’re at sea, all right?”

  Jack eyed the envelope curiously but nodded his acceptance before pocketing the packet. Unable to walk away, he just stared down at Kitty for a long while, aware that Eve and MacKintosh had already moved off to the gangplank.

  “I will miss you, Jack.”

  Holding out her hand to him as if she truly expected him to shake it genially, he fought the urge to draw her into his arms and kiss her senseless but restrained himself, knowing she didn’t need more gossip to her name. He took her hand but instead of shaking it, bowed over it elegantly pressing a hot kiss to her palm.

  “Goodbye, my love.”

  “Goodbye.”

  There was a ring of finality to her voice that continued to grate on Jack’s nerves long after he boarded the ship and stood at the rail with Francis and Eve to wave their farewells to Kitty, Hannah and Maggie as they waited below. He stood staring down at her for a long while, even as the ship pulled away from the pier, his gut burning with regrets.

  MacKintosh finally spoke six low words and departed with a slap on his back, and those words resounded for a long while as he watched New York fade into the distance.

  “You are an utter arse, Merrill.”

  Chapter 40

  The happiest people in life have three things:

  a true love, a best friend,

  and best friend who is their true love.

  ~ Anonymous

 
Manhattan, New York

  Early October 1892

  “This is impossible!” Kitty complained, not realizing she spoke out loud.

  “I think the draping on the front of the skirt is looking rather lovely,” her mother offered as the seamstress continued to pin a row of tiny pleats into the waist of gown. “It will be all right, you’ll see.”

  “Oh, Mother, it’s not the dress. I wish it were.” Kitty ignored the outraged seamstress and stepped down off the platform sitting on the edge of it instead, her elbows propped on her knees.

  “Is it Mr. Hayes?”

  Hayes’ petition for an appeal had been denied, lacking any new witnesses or evidence that might exonerate him. His father had pushed for a stay of execution, a lesser sentence and even a pardon. He’d spent, Judge Fulmont told her over dinner several weeks past, an indecent amount of money attempting to bribe everyone from warden to governor but to no avail. The only concession he had managed was that Freddie be executed by the newer method of electric execution through the recently adopted electric chair, and that it be done in private at Auburn prison with just himself and the required witnesses and officials in attendance.

  That had suited Kitty just fine as she’d had no intention of attending. The execution had taken place the previous week. Though the electric chair had previously been reported as an unreliable and especially painful instrument of execution, she heard he went easily.

  She still wasn’t certain how she felt about those reassurances. Perhaps she felt he should have suffered at least marginally for all the torment he had inflicted upon others, and for taking the life of an old man who hadn’t even the chance to defend himself. She chose now to remember her father as he had been, a towering, brawny Irishman who lived, laughed and toiled in equal measure.

  Though already freed from marriage, Freddie’s demise freed her from any threat he might deliver in the future but, for the most part, for her it had ended months ago with the trial. All she cared to focus on since then was moving on with her life.

  True to her word, Maggie Preston had bullied or coerced all her friends to accept Kitty back within the fold of Society. Though they were still in mourning, many of the Knickerbocker matrons had made their way to the Preston door to offer their support and sympathies. One had even towed along her widowed son, thinking that if she must accept Katherine Hayes, she might as well do it as a wealthy new daughter-in-law. Though Kitty declined as politely as possible, dozens of mothers had kicked themselves for not thinking of such a windfall first and proceeded to seek her out constantly with their bachelor sons. Not only was Kitty possibly the wealthiest heiress in New York’s history, but even their spoiled offspring could be content with a bride so beautiful.

  She had even been paid a visit by Jack Astor, in the company of his mother, naturally. While Mrs. Astor chatted over tea with Maggie, Jack strolled with Kitty through the gardens, teasing her over how they were all determined suddenly to see her wed and, if he were yet a bachelor, he would join the queue for her hand.

  Kitty laughed with him, but inside her heart ached for she knew there was only one man who might ever convince her to wed again, and that man was not in New York to join the jockeying for her hand. That infuriating man had left her without a backward glance.

  Why did life have to be so difficult? Everyone she knew who found love had sacrificed for it. Abby waited years to get her Richard, Eve even longer. Was there no couple who merely looked upon another and said ‘This is love. Let us live happily together’? Even Cinderella hadn’t had it so easy.

  Kitty cast a sorrowful eye upon her mother. “Did you love Da, Mother?”

  Maggie nodded to the seamstress to leave the room and moved to sit next to Kitty on the low platform. “Why do you ask?”

  “Curiosity, I suppose.” She shrugged. “I’d never thought to ask before. I always thought so, of course, but…”

  A soft smile curved her mother’s lips as she stared off across the room. “Yes, my darling, I did love him very much. I still do, in fact.”

  “Was it…” Kitty bit back the awkwardness of asking such a thing of one’s mother. “Was it love at first sight?”

  Her mother laughed merrily. “Not at all!” She took her daughter’s hand and smiled up at her, looking in that moment far younger and more radiant than a woman of her years. “You must remember your father was quite a bit older than I. I was just a girl when I first met him. Lelan had come to our house for a dinner party—he was doing some sort of business with Father—and I ran into him in the hallway. He was so tall, quite burly. He was very striking in his looks, with his dark hair. His eyes, so green like your own, were piercing. I believe my first impression of him was that he was a bit terrifying. I thought his accent very low. He was nothing like the fashionable gentleman I imagined I would marry one day.”

  “What made you change your mind?” Kitty asked, charmed by the description her mother presented.

  “Lelan came to our house often and I soon found that under that intimidating exterior was a man of intelligence and humor, and very handsome as well, though not a dandy like so many of the gentlemen I knew. I started looking forward to his visits.” A secret smile stole across Maggie’s lips. “He caught me in the gardens right after I turned eighteen, asked me if I was done growing up so he might finally marry me. He felt quite the rogue for pursuing me, I think. He disparaged the difference in our ages and waited through a whole year so I might make sure there was no younger man nearer my age I wanted. But there was never another for me.

  “No, Kitty, I didn’t love him at first sight, but I loved him more with every glance that followed.”

  Her throat tightened and tears burned at Kitty’s eyes with her mother’s touching confession. “I’m so sorry he was taken from you, Mama. I’m sorry that, because of me, you don’t have him anymore.”

  Maggie blinked, a tear escaping her eye and trailing down her cheek. “Oh, my darling! You aren’t still feeling guilty, are you? I thought we had put an end to that months ago.” When Kitty could do no more than shake her head, Maggie pulled her daughter into her arms and embraced her fiercely. “If I had known, I would have said something sooner. Katherine, your father was dying anyway. If Mr. Hayes hadn’t done it, his heart would have done the trick soon enough.”

  “What?”

  “Your father was not a young man. He was past his seventieth year,” her mother went on. “He’d had issue with his heart for years and even had an attack last year.”

  “Why did you never say anything? To me? To Eve?” Kitty cried in her arms. “We would have been here with him if we had known.”

  “He didn’t want it that way,” Maggie explained. “You know him. He never wanted to make a fuss. The doctors badgered him for years to give up his work and rest, but he never would. He lived his life on his terms.”

  “Da was a stubborn man,” Kitty murmured, and felt her mother’s nod against her head.

  “After thirty years, I knew that well.” Maggie chuckled a bit. “So, no more guilt from you, young lady. At least he went without pain or suffering, he might not have been so lucky in the long run.”

  Kitty’s thoughts were roiling with this new information. Months of guilt that Jack’s berating and her mother’s soothing hadn’t been able to set aside were—while not expunged—at least dimmed a bit. Finally, she might be able to move from under the cloud that had hung over her for so many months.

  “I’m glad to learn you loved each other so. I had always thought you might, but I wasn’t certain. You were very lucky.”

  “I know.” Maggie frowned, taking a deep breath. “And I suppose I owe you…and Evelyn, an apology for not allowing you to make your own decisions about whom you would wed. For not allowing you to find the same love I had. All I can say in my defense is that I was certain at the time that the matches we had made would make you happy in the end. As for your father, he feared dying before you were well settled. I hate that we were so wrong.”

  Kitty
hugged her mother. “You needn’t apologize, Mother, at least Evie found her love in the end. She and Francis are utterly blissful together.”

  “But what of you?” Maggie asked softly. “What about finding your own bliss?”

  Kitty didn’t pretend to misunderstand. Her mother had been baiting her for answers for months. “He left me, Mother.”

  “You should have gone with him, then.”

  “But Jack doesn’t love me.”

  “Of course, he does. From a completely objective view of things, I believe Haddington is rather terrified of you,” her mother teased.

  Kitty released a very unladylike snort. “I would hardly call you objective when it comes to Lord Haddington, Mother.”

  “Oh, pish-posh, my dear.” Maggie waved off the set-down. “I know what I saw, and I saw a man in love but too afraid to confess it. All men are like that before they realize they are in love. You wait and see. Even Evelyn said so before she left. He will prove his love to you. Love will conquer all.”

  Kitty stared at her mother, agog at her words. Eve had said that? Eve, who had hated Jack Merrill from their first meeting? She had warned Kitty again and again about him, questioning his motives. Warnings Kitty had ignored, of course. Eve knew Kitty loved Jack with all her heart—she continued to wonder how and why—but hadn’t offered much reassurance that those feelings would ever be returned. Now Kitty had found out Eve was certain Jack loved Kitty as well?

  “I’m stunned, Mother, simply stunned to hear such a thing ever fell from Evie’s lips.”

  “It did, and since you’ve brought it up, I think you were a fool to let the earl leave,” her mother continued baldly.

  “I know you wanted another earl for a son-in-law, Mother, but Jack simply wasn’t going to marry me,” Kitty rejoined. “It was better just to let him go. You should have seen his face when I told him I love him. Why he looked…”