Tender Loving Care

by Andrew Neiderman

  “I suppose it’s OK.”

  “Fine,” he said quickly. “I’ll see you soon.”

  I hung up and went down to tell Miriam. Even she was quite surprised that Dr. Turner would make a special trip.

  “Maybe he feels guilty for neglecting us in our time of greatest need,” I said.

  “Should I make something?” She started to get up.

  “No. He simply wants to learn about Mrs. Randolph ... why she was so bad.”

  “Oh.”

  “You let me do the talking. I know how difficult it is for you to say bad things about people. Even when they’re justified.”

  “All right, Michael. Is he going to go up to talk to Lillian?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so,” I added quickly.

  “Well, maybe I should warn her anyway. Just in case,” she said rising. I watched her walk out of the room. Then I sat down and tried to read, but my eyes wouldn’t stay with the pages. I kept looking at the clock. His impending arrival made me very nervous. I would have rather we discussed it all in his office. I didn’t want to talk about Mrs. Randolph in this house. It would be eerie, I thought. It would be as though she still had a presence here.

  I got up and walked about the house. Nothing seemed right. The house was closing in on me just because Dr. Turner was coming to talk about her. Goodness knows, I thought, I might start speaking extra softly just out of habit, forgetting she was gone.

  Finally, I poured myself a stiff drink. For a while that helped, but as the hands of the clock moved forward, I paced more and more and had to have another drink. I kept looking out the front window, expecting his car. It was certainly taking him longer than it should. Where was he?

  Miriam came back downstairs, and I sat down again. She looked much calmer than I felt. I sipped my drink and watched her go back to her knitting.

  “How’s Lillian?”

  “She’s all right, but she doesn’t want to talk about Mrs. Randolph. She hopes the doctor won’t come up. I told her not to worry. We wouldn’t let him.”

  “He doesn’t have to talk to her,” I said. “He doesn’t have to talk to anyone but me. I know everything in detail.”

  “That’s what I told her.”

  The sound of the door buzzer shocked me. I hadn’t seen Dr. Turner’s car come into our driveway, and I had a clear view of it through the front windows.

  “That’s Turner. Remember what I told you about letting me do the talking,” I said getting up.

  I thought he looked remarkably robust for someone who had just lost his brother. He wasn’t pale with mourning; he didn’t look tired. He looked as though he had just returned from a convention, not a funeral. He was dressed in a light sports coat and slacks with a shirt opened at the collar. I realized that I had never seen him out in the daylight before. His beard looked grayer on the sides, but his red mustache was brighter. He was still a physically formidable person. Even more so out of the confines of his office.

  “Beautiful out here,” he said stepping in. “How much of this land is yours?”

  “Down to the turn on the left and all the way to Max Gilbert’s place on the right. We go back to the foot of the mountain.”

  “Gorgeous.”

  He was talking to me, but he was gazing everywhere. With obviously deep curiosity, he looked at everything intensely. I didn’t trust his smile. I didn’t tell him on the phone, and I didn’t say anything to Miriam about it, but I was quite upset with him not only for not being there when we needed him but because he was primarily responsible for bringing Mrs. Randolph to this house. I had trusted him. As far as I was concerned, he had betrayed us. He had more allegiance to his precious medical community than he did to us.

  “How is Miriam?”

  “She’s calmer now, but it wasn’t so good three days ago.” I looked him right in the eye. I wanted him to feel my anger. If he did, he didn’t reveal it. He wore that professional “psychiatric face.” He was an expert at looking neutral. I knew that was designed to put patients at ease so that they would spill their insides before him. Then he would pluck away at these defenseless souls. I wasn’t sure I wanted Miriam to continue with him.

  “I’ll talk to her.”

  “I’m not a psychiatrist,” I said hitting my consonants so hard I sounded like someone with a speech impediment, “but it might be wise to go easy on any references to Mrs. Randolph.”

  “Of course.”

  There was an embarrassing pause because I made no effort to make him welcome and we were still standing in the entrance way. I was tempted to see how long he could maintain that phony friendly smile, but finally I stepped back.

  “She’s in the living room, first door on the left.”

  “Hello, Miriam,” he said. I was right behind him. She put her knitting down and rose, her smile so wide and happy it brought tears to my eyes. How trusting and loving Miriam could be and how people took advantage of that. It wasn’t fair; it wasn’t right. I had to do a better job of protecting her.

  “Dr. Turner, it’s so nice that you came out here.” Her smile changed so drastically and with such obvious contrivance it made her look like a child playing at pretending. She took on a look of sorrow. “We are sorry for your loss.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Why don’t we all sit down,” I said. I wanted to sit next to Miriam, but he did. I took my chair. Nearly three days had passed since the nurse was gone, but I still hadn’t gotten the feel of her out of that chair. Whenever I sat in it, images of her invading my space flashed before me. I no longer put my feet on the hassock because it was something she liked to do and it reminded me too much of her.

  “One of the worse things for me was not being able to deal directly with my patients,” he said. He took Miriam’s hand. She gave it most willingly.

  “Fortunately, some of us get stronger as the need arises,” I said. He nodded, and I mumbled, “Physician, heal thyself,” but I didn’t think he heard me. At least he didn’t show that he had.

  “I thought I had left my affairs in capable hands,” he said. I simply grunted. Miriam continued to smile dotingly at him. “Do you think you might want to consider someone new?” he asked. Miriam looked to me quickly.

  “I think not.” I had my hands clasped before me on my lap. He nodded again.

  “So how are you feeling, Miriam?”

  “I’m fine,” she said. “Michael is helping me again, and things are going as well as can be expected. He’s not working anymore, you know.”

  “You had gone back?”

  “I thought since we had someone with us who was supposedly so capable, I might be able to go back, but as that didn’t prove true ...”

  “This is a big house to maintain,” he said looking around as though he could see through the walls and ceiling.

  “And with Lillian ...” Miriam said.

  “Yes, and with Lillian. Well,” he said slapping his knees, “maybe Michael can show me around a bit. I’ve always been intrigued by these old farmhouses. People keep them so nice, and builders don’t construct houses like this anymore. My wife wanted me to buy one up in Greenfield Park.”

  “Lillian is sleeping,” I said quickly. He continued to stare at me, his face frozen in that smile. I was beginning to despise it.

  “You can show him the rest of the house, Michael.”

  “All right.” I stood up quickly to indicate that I was growing impatient with his damn interference.

  “Thank you,” he said. “We’ll be right back.” We walked out, but before we got to the dining room, he took my arm. “I just wanted to talk to you privately,” he said.

  “I gathered that. Let’s go into the kitchen.” I leaned against the counter, and he sat at the table. “I told you about the things she was making me do. I told you about the television set and the dog. Do you know that she killed the dog? She poisoned it and tried to blame it on me. She was trying to turn Miriam against me.”

  “Incredible.”

&nb
sp; “Not so incredible when you got to know her. She was a vicious, hateful, arrogant person. She even tried to get me to be unfaithful to Miriam. I know she was going to use that against me later on. She was planning on blackmailing me.”

  “This is terrible. I don’t know what to say.” He shook his head. If he were playing at being sympathetic, he was doing a good job of it. I thought he might be sincere, so I went on.

  “She changed the living room around to suit herself. She took my chair,” I added pointing back toward the living room. I knew my face and neck were getting red. I could feel the heat.

  “Reprehensible behavior.”

  “Exactly. Then she started tormenting me, imitating Lillian. And then there was that wheelchair! You didn’t know about the wheelchair. I had it taken away. I’m not saying it was a totally ridiculous idea without any merit. It might have worked for someone who had honest purposes, but she used it to embarrass me in front of my friends. If I let things go on, she would have had me pushing it about the place. I don’t have many neighbors, as you can see, but people do drive up here.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “I kept calling your office. I know you had your troubles, but that damn answering service, and Mrs. Greenstreet! She might be a very efficient employee, but if you ask me, she can be terribly insensitive at times.”

  “It’s partly my fault. I don’t like her getting involved with my patients and cases. You don’t know how emotionally draining that can be.”

  “But this was different! When she took that doll down from the attic ...”

  “Doll?”

  “One of Lillian’s dolls ... a large doll. She dressed it in Lillian’s clothing. I ... I made her take it with her.”

  “The doll?”

  “Yes. She killed it.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “She smashed its head in, for god’s sake. Don’t you understand what I’m talking about?” His eyes got smaller, and he nodded slowly.

  “So you put it in the cab with her?”

  “Yes. I tipped the cabby before they left. She wouldn’t tip him. I think she looked down on working people.”

  “She was supposed to stop at my office to drop off a report,” he said quickly, looking directly at me.

  “She didn’t mention it. It doesn’t matter. You couldn’t put any value in that.”

  “Her agency phoned today.”

  “Well, if they want me to give them more details ...”

  “No. Mrs. Randolph hasn’t reported to them either. No one seems to be able to locate her.”

  “It doesn’t surprise me. Nothing about her surprises me.”

  “What time did she leave?”

  “Time? It was in the late afternoon. I didn’t tell you about the cemetery,” I said, “and what she did.” I could still see that covered tombstone before me. “She had gone up there. Can you believe that?”

  “You told the cab driver to take her to the bus station?”

  “I didn’t tell him where to take her. I just put her bags in the car.”

  “And the doll you said.”

  “Yes, the doll. Let her have it. I didn’t want it in this house. I wouldn’t even let her say goodbye to Miriam. She’s gone,” I said. “Let’s be thankful for that.”

  “We don’t know where she’s gone.”

  “Why should we care?”

  “It’s odd, don’t you think?” he asked in that damn calm voice of his.

  “What’s so odd about it? I told you, she was a vicious person. Why should we care about her? We’ve got to care about Miriam.”

  “Of course.”

  “I don’t want to think about her anymore. I don’t want to talk about her.”

  I turned away. My head was spinning, and I didn’t want him to see it. Knowing him, he’d think something was wrong with me, and he’d question my ability to take care of Miriam.

  “I understand how you feel, Michael,” he said in that damn, understanding, soft voice of his.

  “No, you don’t!” I spun around. “I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen. You medical people are all alike. You care only about yourselves, protecting yourselves. You’re afraid of malpractice suits. Well, let me tell you something. I gave that some thought. That woman should never have been sent here. It was malpractice to send her. You don’t know what she tried to do. What she might have done if I hadn’t stopped her.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I bet you are. You and that Mrs. Greenstreet.”

  “What did she try to do?” he asked. He looked dumbfounded, innocent on the basis of plain stupidity.

  “She tried to kill Lillian,” I said. “She tried to blame it on me in front of Miriam. It wasn’t my fault. The child would cry whenever Miriam would tell her to put on the seatbelt. What could I do? Miriam would say, ‘Just drive slowly, Michael.’ I did drive slowly, but sometimes you’re not thinking about it and you drive a little faster.”

  “Of course.”

  “Mrs. Randolph wanted me to suffer. She wanted us all to suffer. She had that doll in her arms,” lowering my voice to nearly a whisper. “Don’t you see? And its head ... there was blood.”

  “Where was this?”

  “On the stairs.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I couldn’t let her go on with it. Miriam was standing right there. Her face ... you should have seen it. She was crumpling before my eyes.”

  “How terrible.”

  “So I stopped her.”

  “How?”

  “I hit her. I had to. Afterward, she understood that she had to go. I carried her bags out and—”

  “Where, Michael? Where did you put her bags?”

  For a moment I simply stared at him. I could see the cab in my memory. It was parked in front of the house, and the driver was standing by it watching. He had his arm folded like a cigar store Indian’s.

  “I put the hammer in, too. I didn’t want it around here; I didn’t want anything around that would remind us of her. Why, I just finished cleaning her room before you called. I scrubbed it down so hard that no one could tell she was ever in there. I’ve got to get Miriam to forget her completely. I’ve got to.”

  “Where did you put the hammer, Michael?” He was standing beside me now.

  “It was hard to pick up the doll. I had to throw a tablecloth over it. She had it dressed in Lillia’s clothing. You understand why I used the tablecloth.”

  “Of course.” He took my arm. “Sit down for a moment, Michael. Would you like a glass of water?”

  “No, no.”

  He went to the sink anyway and began to fill a glass. As he did so, he looked out the window. The glass filled, but he didn’t turn the water off.

  “Michael ... the clearing in the backyard.” He turned quickly.

  “Clearing?”

  “What is it?”

  “Oh, yes,” I said remembering. “The dog. I had to bury the dog.”

  “Just the dog?” He looked out again. “Such a large grave for a dog.”

  “It was her fault. All of it.” He stared at me again. I didn’t like it. “Are you giving me a glass of water or what?”

  “Oh, yes.” He handed it to me and sat down across from me. “It must have been terrible for you,” he said.

  “You can’t begin to imagine.”

  “I’m really sorry I wasn’t here when you needed me, but the last time we spoke—”

  “I guess you had your problems.” I did feel sorry for him now. We both turned as Miriam came to the kitchen door.

  “Oh,” she said, “I thought you two had gone upstairs. I heard noise. It must be that Lillian’s calling. I’ll go see what she wants.”

  “I can do it,” I said.

  “No, it’s all right.” She smiled and left us.

  “Miriam is really a very warm and loving person,” Dr. Turner said. “I know that anything you did, you did to protect her.”

  “I’ll always protect h
er.”

  His eyes were warm and sincere. I felt he really understood, and I could see why Miriam trusted him so much.

  “Michael,” he said, “Mrs. Randolph is still on your land, isn’t she?”

  “No, no, she left in the cab. I put the suitcase in myself.”

  “If she were still here, you would want her taken away, wouldn’t you?”

  “Damn right.”

  “Well, I think we’d better check to be sure. It has to be done.”

  I stared at him. There was something in his face that reminded me of my father when I was very little. He was telling me as nicely and as softly as he could that I had to do something I might not like to do. It was something I knew was right to do but didn’t want to admit was right to do. Like taking a bitter-tasting medicine I had to take or doing a chore for my mother that I didn’t like to do. Behind the look in his face was all the authority and power of the adult world. I couldn’t oppose it.

  “OK,” I said.

  “Good.” He reached over the table and patted my hand. “Everything’s going to be all right now. I realize I was remiss, but I’m back and I’m going to take charge the way I should, the way you expect me to. Why don’t you go see how Miriam is and relax in the living room with her? I’ll make a few important phone calls.”

  I nodded and stood up. I felt my eyes filling with tears. He smiled and nodded at me. It was sincere, and it gave me a sense of reassurance.

  “You don’t know how it was,” I said, “or you’d understand.”

  “I understand. Believe me.”

  I did believe him then. Maybe he was using good psychiatric techniques on me and maybe he wasn’t, but at that moment, I felt I could confide in him. I believed Miriam and I did have a friend and we were safe. Of course, later on I found out he was a liar.

  I did what he said. I went upstairs and I found Miriam sitting by Lillian’s bed. She was stroking the blanket softly, rhythmically, and humming the Hungarian lullabye. I stood by her side quietly, not wanting to interrupt her. She was at such peace then, and she was unaware of my presence in the room. Finally, I touched her shoulder. She stopped her song and looked up at me. I smiled and she put her hand on mine. Then she pressed her cheek against my hand. For a moment we were both so still. The slight tinkle of the chimes was all that interrupted our silence. I know I was crying.