The Anxiety of Kalix the Werewolf

by Martin Millar

  “We couldn’t give them the address because they’d have been suspicious if they learned it too easily. They would have known it was a trap. You must not underestimate the MacRinnalchs, Empress.”

  “I will underestimate them if I choose,” said the Empress. “Continue describing your unnecessarily complicated plan.”

  “The MacRinnalchs would not easily walk into a trap. But now they don’t know they’ve been trapped. They had to work hard to find the Guild’s address, and they think they’ve outsmarted us. They will attack the Guild, quite certainly. But instead of catching the Guild by surprise, they’ll find them ready and waiting. Thrix and Kalix will both take part in the attack and will be killed. That, I believe, is what you desire.”

  “Well . . . I suppose it may be a tolerable plan. But the Avenaris Guild will not be pleased that we have allowed the werewolves to learn their address.”

  “That’s true,” acknowledged Distikka. “But they can’t do anything about it now. All they can do is make sure they’re ready for the attack.”

  Distikka took a step forward, making her chain mail rattle, which always irritated the Empress.

  “It may mean the loss of a few hunters, but do you care about that?”

  “Not at all,” said the Empress. She rose from her jeweled throne. “Now that you have finally explained it properly, your plan does not seem so complicated. Foolish werewolves believe they have cunningly obtained the location of their enemies. We inform the Guild what has happened. Werewolves attack, the Guild is ready, and all the werewolves get killed. I like this.” Kabachetka smiled. “When will it happen?”

  Distikka could not say for certain. “We’ll need to monitor them. It shouldn’t be too hard to tell when the attack is imminent.”

  “Excellent,” said the Empress. “This has put me in a good mood. I will forgive Lady Gezinka for her lapse. I depart for a manicure, in very good spirits.”

  The Empress Kabachetka swept out of the throne room. The guards at the door noticed how happy their Empress looked, which pleased them. On the rare occasions when the Empress was truly happy, her aura was very expansive, and it warmed the hearts of her subjects.

  CHAPTER 107

  Kalix lay face down on her bed. She could barely comprehend the enormity of the mistake she’d made.

  Why did I sleep with Decembrius? she asked herself, over and over.

  Kalix couldn’t account for it. She tried making excuses but none of them worked. She’d arrived home quite sober, thinking clearly. She’d had every opportunity to wish Decembrius a polite goodnight before retiring alone. And yet somehow she’d ended up inviting him to stay.

  “How did that happen?” she moaned. “I have a new boyfriend. I don’t even like Decembrius.”

  Kalix dragged a pillow over her head. It didn’t help.

  I must be insane, she thought. Everyone was right about me. I really am clinically insane.

  She rolled over and stared at the ceiling. She felt the weight of the atmosphere pressing down. In recent times Kalix had been more prone to anxiety than depression but now she felt a huge depression settling in.

  How could I do that? What would Manny think?

  Unable to bear the thought of what Manny would think, Kalix tried the pillow again, this time dragging it over her face.

  I’m the worst person in the world. No one else would sleep with an ex-boyfriend for no reason.

  The day was now well advanced, but little sunlight penetrated the thick curtains of Kalix’s room. The unhappy young werewolf lay in silence for a long time. Eventually, she heard the front door opening and closing, and Daniel’s footsteps on the stairs.

  I’ll have to run away, thought Kalix. I can’t face anyone ever again.

  Her phone rang. She ignored it. It rang again but she didn’t answer. A few minutes later Moonglow knocked on the door.

  “Kalix? Dominil called. She needs to talk to you.”

  Kalix didn’t answer.

  “Kalix? Speak to me or I’m coming in.”

  “Go away.”

  “Dominil says she needs to talk to you. She’s on the phone downstairs.”

  Kalix groaned. She stood up and walked slowly toward the door. Her hair was matted over her face. She ignored it. Moonglow smiled as she emerged from her room. Kalix ignored her too. She walked downstairs with a heavy tread. She picked up the phone.

  “What is it?”

  “You didn’t answer your own phone,” said Dominil. “Is everything all right?”

  “Yes. What is it?”

  “I’m calling to thank you for your efforts last night. Please thank your flatmates as well. Everyone did well, and I believe I have the information we need.”

  “OK,” said Kalix.

  Dominil, either not noticing or not caring that Kalix sounded less than enthusiastic, asked if Vex was there. Kalix mutely handed the phone to her flatmate.

  “Vex,” said Dominil. “I need to speak to Queen Malveria. Will you be in touch with her soon?”

  “I have to go back to the palace tonight.”

  “Please ask her to contact me on a matter of urgency.”

  “OK.”

  Vex ended the phone call. Then she joined Daniel and Moonglow in staring at Kalix.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” asked Kalix.

  “No reason,” said Moonglow.

  “Apart from you slept with Decembrius,” said Daniel.

  Kalix looked accusingly at Vex. “Daniel just got back! Did you have to tell him right away?”

  “It wasn’t me!” protested Vex. “Moonglow beat me to it.”

  Moonglow looked guilty.

  “Be fair,” said Daniel. “It’s a juicy piece of gossip. Anyone would have shared it. It’s probably all over your werewolf castle by now.”

  Kalix moaned. She lay on the couch and curled up in a ball.

  “So, not the greatest idea in retrospect?” said Daniel.

  “I’ll make a pot of tea,” said Moonglow. “And you can tell us all about it.”

  “I’m not telling you anything,” muttered Kalix.

  “Too late for that,” said Daniel, moving Kalix’s feet so he could sit on the couch. “The days when you could clam up about these things have long gone. You’ve got friends now, and friends have the right to know all about your relationship disasters.”

  “It’s none of your business!”

  “Of course it’s our business. Aren’t I about to tell you about my night in a hotel room with Lady Gezinka?”

  “I want to hear about that too!” said Vex.

  “I’m ready with a full account,” said Daniel. “Right after Kalix opens up about Decembrius.”

  Even in her miserable state, Kalix could tell that Daniel had arrived home feeling rather pleased with himself.

  Daniel lowered his voice. “William isn’t here, is he?”

  “No,” said Vex.

  “Good,” said Daniel. “I was worried he might be.”

  Moonglow arrived back with a tray on which were a teapot, four mugs and a carton of milk. The cat joined them. Moonglow was ready for this, and had brought an old saucer. She poured some milk into the saucer and set it down on the carpet.

  “Well,” she said. “That was an interesting night at the ball.”

  There was an expectant silence. Moonglow poured a little milk into each mug. Due to the breakages in the kitchen by Vex, they were currently using a set of Beatles mugs given to Daniel by his aunt. Daniel picked up the Ringo Starr mug and handed it to Kalix.

  “So,” he said. “Tell us how you ended up sleeping with Decembrius.”

  “No,” said Kalix.

  “Come on,” said Vex. “You don’t have to be explicit.”

  “Though explicit details are fine if you want to include them,” added Daniel.

  “Definitely,” said Vex. “Whatever you’re comfortable with, really. I heard some quite interesting noises when I walked past your room in the middle of the night.”

&n
bsp; “Have you been spying on me?” demanded Kalix.

  “Of course not. I was just going downstairs for a bowl of cereal and by coincidence I had to stop outside your room to tie my shoelace. So, who made the first move? You or Decembrius?”

  Kalix appealed to Moonglow for relief. “Make them stop asking me questions.”

  “Sorry, Kalix,” said Moonglow. “Daniel is right. Some events are so momentous that flatmates have a right to demand information.”

  “The broad outline will do to get us started,” said Vex. “You can fill in the details later.”

  CHAPTER 108

  Kalix gave a very brief description of the previous night’s events. It wasn’t enough to satisfy her flatmates but she was reluctant to offer more.

  “I can’t believe you’re all so nosy. I made a mistake sleeping with Decembrius. That’s all. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “You should get your side of the story out quickly,” said Vex. “After all, Decembrius will. He’s probably talking about it already.”

  “What do you mean ‘my side of the story’?” said Kalix. “It’s not a court case.”

  “Well, Decembrius will be bragging anyway. Like Daniel.”

  “I haven’t bragged about anything,” protested Daniel.

  “How did you end up in Gezinka’s hotel room?” asked Vex.

  “She asked me. We were just sitting at the table and she wasn’t saying much. But she got a bit more animated after some more champagne and then she told me how bored she was with life at the Empress’s court and one thing led to another. I suppose she was quite impressed with me being a model, you know, as soon as you appear on a catwalk women are flinging themselves at you.”

  “Well, at least you’re not bragging about it,” said Moonglow.

  “The basic outline is not bragging,” said Daniel. “Just a factual report on me spending the night with an aristocratic Fire Elemental who really had a good body under that evening dress.”

  “At least she got to hide her body under a dress,” moaned Kalix. “I had to walk around all night practically naked. I knew no good would come of it. That’s probably why I ended up sleeping with Decembrius.”

  Moonglow didn’t think that made much sense, but was sympathetic to Kalix’s misery. “It’s all right. These things happen. Don’t get anxious about it.”

  “I’m not anxious about it. Now you’ve mentioned anxiety I’m starting to get anxious. Now I’m more anxious.”

  Moonglow, perched on the end of the sofa, patted Kalix’s head.

  Kalix was surprised. “Did you just pat my head?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “To stop you getting anxious.”

  “I wouldn’t be anxious if everyone didn’t keep mentioning it. Don’t pat my head. It’s a big insult for a werewolf.”

  “I like being patted on the head,” said Vex, and leaned toward Moonglow. Moonglow obligingly patted her head, or rather her hair, which still formed a stiff, spiky, protective sphere.

  Kalix sipped some tea, awkwardly, as she was still lying down. It dribbled down the side of her mouth. She wiped it off and sat up on the couch.

  “Now my relationship with Manny is ruined.”

  “Why?” asked Daniel.

  “Because I slept with Decembrius! Manny won’t want to see me any more.”

  “How will Manny find out?”

  “I’ll have to tell him, of course.”

  Vex burst out laughing. “Are you mad? You don’t have to tell him. Moonglow, tell Kalix she doesn’t have to tell Manny.”

  “Well . . .” Moonglow hesitated.

  “I don’t think you should tell him,” said Daniel. “What’s the point?”

  “I don’t want to lie,” said Kalix. “Aren’t you meant to tell people about things like that?”

  “Only on TV,” said Daniel. “Television is full of people confessing things. But that’s just for dramatic effect. In real life, don’t do it.”

  “Definitely don’t do it,” agreed Vex.

  Kalix looked toward Moonglow. Moonglow seemed uncomfortable.

  “I’m not sure . . . I think perhaps you should tell him. It’s always better to be honest.”

  “No it isn’t!” cried Daniel. “If Kalix is honest it’ll just ruin everything.”

  “Honesty would be a terrible mistake,” said Vex.

  Moonglow glared at her flatmates. “I don’t like the way you’re both advising Kalix to lie like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Lying isn’t good, you know. If Manny slept with someone else, wouldn’t you want Kalix to know?”

  “That’s different,” said Daniel. “Kalix is our friend. We’d want her to know stuff about Manny. That doesn’t mean we want Manny to know stuff about her.”

  They were interrupted by a small electronic bleep. Kalix took her phone from her pocket. She looked at it and sighed.

  “Message from Manny?”

  “He says he’s looking forward to seeing me.”

  Kalix curled up on the couch again. Vex got to her feet and stood in front of the mirror, pushing her hair into shape with her fingers.

  “Well, I’d love to stay here and watch Kalix falling apart with guilt and Daniel bragging about his nights of passion, but I’m due at the palace tonight, so I’ve just got time for a quick visit to Pete before I go.”

  “Is your aunt still making you visit that arch-wizard?” asked Moonglow.

  Agrivex scowled. “Yes. Unless I learn to control my fire.”

  “How’s that going?”

  “Hopeless. I can’t do it. But I’m not going to some prison camp with Old Krabby. Aunt Malvie will cheer up and forget all about it when the next part of my super-cunning plan gets underway.”

  Vex was immediately cheerful again. “I’ll see you all in a few days. Kalix, don’t do anything stupid like tell your boyfriend the truth. Bye!”

  With that, Vex hurried from the house, heading for the tube station and a trip to North London to see Pete.

  “They seem to be getting on well,” said Moonglow. She absent-mindedly placed her hand on Kalix’s head, and almost patted her. “Sorry,” she said immediately, withdrawing her hand.

  “It’s all right,” muttered Kalix. “It’s not really a big insult for werewolves. I just made that up. I must be one of these people that tells lies all the time. What’s the word for that?”

  “Pathological,” said Moonglow. “But you’re really not like that.”

  Daniel poured more tea into his John Lennon mug. He yawned. “I didn’t get any sleep last night. Gezinka was quite energetic—”

  “Maybe you should start lying about a few things,” said Moonglow. “Or at least concealing the truth.” She picked up the tray and took it to the kitchen.

  “I knew she’d be jealous,” said Daniel, and sounded pleased about it.

  Kalix wasn’t listening. She was staring at the text message from Manny, leaving Daniel to lapse into his fantasy of Moonglow being eaten up with jealousy over his night with Gezinka and confessing her love for him, something which he half expected to happen as soon as Moonglow returned from the kitchen.

  CHAPTER 109

  Two days after the ball, Dominil arranged to meet Thrix in Marylebone Library. She was waiting in the reference section when her cousin arrived. Thrix was unsettled by her surroundings.

  “Did we have to meet in a library?”

  “Why shouldn’t we?” asked Dominil.

  “Aren’t there any bars or restaurants around here?”

  “There are plenty. But we’re not here to eat or drink.”

  Thrix lowered her voice in response to several hostile glances from other occupants of the reference section. “I feel uncomfortable,” she whispered. “Can we go somewhere I don’t have to whisper?”

  They walked past a series of posters encouraging children to read and arrived at the glass doors that led out onto the main street.

  “So why are we here?” asked Thrix.
/>   “We’re at the top of Gloucester Place. I believe the Guild’s headquarters is on this road.”

  Thrix forgot her discomfort. “You do? Why?”

  “While in the Empress’s suite I read her handmaiden Alchet’s diary.” Dominil lied quite smoothly to her cousin. She would have preferred to tell her that the information had come from Sarapen, but felt obliged to keep her promise not to let Thrix know he was still alive.

  “There were several entries mentioning Gloucester Place. I believe these entries relate to visits to the Guild.”

  “The Empress just left that lying around?”

  “She thought her sorcery would keep out any intruder.”

  “Then let’s find them,” said Thrix, and stepped through the glass doors into Gloucester Place.

  “That may not be easy,” said Dominil. “It’s a long road. It runs all the way down to Oxford Street. I’ve walked its length before and never noticed anything that made me think of the Guild. Have you learned any more about the Maynista’s ‘House That Can’t Be Found’?”

  “Not much. Do you really think the Guild’s headquarters was built by a stone dwarf?”

  “It’s possible,” said Dominil. “It would explain our inability to locate it. It would be good to learn more about the subject.”

  “I’ve asked Malveria to look into it but for some reason she’s not keen. As far as I can gather, it would exist the same as any other building. You can see it, and walk into it. You just can’t find it by sorcery. Or on the internet, apparently.” Thrix gazed down the long street. It was mostly Georgian, large terraced houses, the ground floor faced with white marble and the three upper floors all of brown stone. “Most of these houses look the same.”

  “They do. But I have more information.” Dominil drew a sheet of paper from her leather satchel.

  “Why do you have such a fashionable item?” asked Thrix.

  “Pardon?”

  “Your leather satchel. It’s been all over the magazines this summer.”

  Dominil looked at her plain, functional satchel. “I had no idea it was fashionable. I bought it because it was practical.”