The Anxiety of Kalix the Werewolf

by Martin Millar

  “It may be.”

  “Perhaps it’s time for you to move past that,” said Dominil.

  “I do not understand your meaning.”

  “Instead of treating bargains as things that are amusing but ultimately bring you no benefit, why not ask for something you need?”

  The Fire Queen regarded Dominil with suspicion. “That does not sound very amusing.”

  “But it would be practical. I suggest you give me what I require, and in return I’ll tutor Agrivex through her next year at college.”

  “Tutor Agrivex?”

  “Unless someone does, she won’t pass. I’ll make sure she does.”

  The Fire Queen pondered Dominil’s words for a moment or two, and frowned. “Really, Dominil, you are taking all the enjoyment out of this. A bargain with the Fire Queen is generally meant to lead to a broken heart, or some other misfortune involving unforeseen complications. You seek to reduce it to a simple matter of commerce. Am I a tradesman, to simply sell you what you want?”

  “How much do you want Agrivex back in the palace having failed her exams? Besides, tutoring her will no doubt be a frustrating task.”

  The Fire Queen ate the last of her cake, and seemed disappointed. “Such a small morsel. But I must keep my figure, so perhaps it is as well. Very well, Dominil, I will accept your unsatisfactory bargain. I will attempt to rescue Sarapen and you will tutor Agrivex. I have one additional condition.”

  “Go ahead.”

  “At some time in the near future you must inform Agrivex of the true nature of her boyfriend’s feelings. I believe the guitarist Pete simply dallies with her in an attempt to make you jealous.”

  “I’m aware of that,” said Dominil. “He never stops sending me messages. But why tell Agrivex?”

  “Because she has grossly interfered in my private affairs. And it is time she received a harsh lesson in the ways of the world.”

  Dominil shrugged. “Very well, I agree. How soon can you get the jewel to Sarapen?”

  The Fire Queen wasn’t sure. She had spies in the Empress’s palace, but they were not able to roam freely. “He will be difficult to reach. But we will endeavor to do it as quickly as we can.”

  The Queen looked round for a waitress. “I really must have another cake. One needs to build up one’s strength to withstand DeMortalis’s deprivations. Can you guarantee Agrivex will pass her exams next year?”

  “Yes,” said Dominil.

  “She is not the most intellectual of Hiyastas.”

  “If I’m tutoring her she’ll pass, or die in the attempt.”

  The Fire Queen smiled. “That is the spirit, Dominil. Perhaps this is not such a bad bargain after all.”

  After concluding her business with the Fire Queen, Dominil hurried off. She would have liked to examine the Caravaggio painting the Fire Queen had donated to the gallery, but she had no time to spare. As she drove east toward Merchant MacDoig’s, she reflected that the Queen must indeed have had an interesting life.

  Both Merchant MacDoig and his son were in the shop in East London. They greeted Dominil effusively. Regular customers were welcomed like long-lost friends. Any MacRinnalch was welcome to a glass of whisky and a long conversation about affairs in Scotland. Dominil did not desire anything of the sort, but even so it took her some time to conclude her business and extricate herself from the Merchant’s animated conversation.

  Dominil knew she was in for a hostile reception at the twins’ house. In the eyes of Beauty and Delicious, Dominil had abandoned them, and ruined their careers. She expected to find them intoxicated and belligerent, and she wasn’t disappointed.

  “What are you doing here?” demanded Beauty as she answered the door. “I thought you had better things to do.”

  “Is that Dominil?” Delicious stormed out of the living room with her pink hair tangled around her head and a can of beer in her hand. “What do you want?”

  Dominil stepped into the twins’ house. In the weeks since Dominil had stopped visiting, it had degenerated into chaos. There was clutter everywhere and a strong aroma of alcohol.

  “How are you?” asked Dominil.

  “Don’t ask us how we are!” said Beauty. “You ruined our lives!”

  “You are exaggerating.”

  “Where’s our new producer?” cried Delicious. “And our tour? And what’s happened to our website?” Yum Yum Sugary Snacks’ website had crashed after the twins had attempted to update it. “No one can even hear our songs any more. It’s all your fault.”

  “Assisting you was always a temporary arrangement,” said Dominil. “There is a crisis within the clan and I must attend to it.”

  “To hell with the clan,” said Beauty angrily. “You shouldn’t have started helping us in the first place if you were just going to abandon us. Now everyone’s laughing at us again.”

  The twins cared deeply about their status among their fellow musicians in Camden. This had soared when Dominil got them back onstage, but had now plummeted again. People who knew the twins were not surprised when everything fell apart. It was exactly what everyone had expected.

  “I came to make a brief suggestion, “said Dominil. “Decembrius might be able to help you.”

  “Decembrius? What good would he do?”

  “He has no particular expertise in music or management, but he’s intelligent, and he is a fellow werewolf with time on his hands. Perhaps he could help to get your affairs back in order.”

  Beauty marched up to Dominil and looked her in the eye. “Dominil, that’s the worst idea you’ve ever had. Decembrius would be no help and you know it. You’re just trying to fob us off with him because you’re feeling guilty.”

  “I’m not feeling guilty at all. I was simply trying to be helpful.”

  Beauty thrust her beer can toward Dominil. Lager flew from the can, covering Dominil’s face. Dominil stared at her with surprise.

  “Ha-ha,” cried Delicious. “That was good. Do it again.”

  Delicious’s own can was empty. She threw it at Dominil. It hit her chest and fell to the carpet. Dominil calmly wiped her face. “I’m sorry I can’t help you more,” she said, and turned to leave.

  “Hey, we did write a new song,” shouted Delicious. “It’s called ‘Selfish Inconsiderate Albino Werewolf Bitch.’ Do you want to hear it?”

  Dominil didn’t respond. She walked swiftly from the twins’ house and drove off, heading home. With her business concluded for the day, she intended to catch a late train to Scotland. All the way home she could smell the beer that Beauty had thrown in her face, but she drove without expression, and it would have been hard to tell what Dominil thought about the incident.

  CHAPTER 128

  Vex arrived back in the flat in Kennington feeling pleased with herself. She was grinning as she walked into the living room.

  “I’m back! Hi, Kalix. Do you want to hear about my super-brilliant plan for getting Aunt Malvie married?”

  “Lend me some running shoes,” said Kalix.

  Vex looked bewildered. “Did I forget the language? That didn’t make sense.”

  “I need shoes to go running,” said Kalix.

  “My plan is really extra-super brilliant . . .” Vex saw that Kalix wasn’t going to show any interest in her plan. “I’ve got six pairs of Hello Kitty sneakers. Would they do?”

  “Do you have any that aren’t Hello Kitty?”

  “Why would anyone have sneakers that weren’t Hello Kitty? It wouldn’t make sense.”

  “I suppose they’ll have to do.”

  “Wait!” said Agrivex. “I just remembered.”

  “What?”

  “I have seven pairs. No, it’s eight.”

  Kalix followed Vex upstairs to the attic. As Vex opened her wardrobe, Kalix winced at the sight of her Hello Kitty shoes. She’d never imagined that there would be so many different designs. They were predominantly pink. Some featured a large Hello Kitty figure, others were covered in small pictures. To Kalix’s dismay, the pai
r that fitted her best featured Hello Kitty with fairy wings.

  “Good choice,” enthused Vex. “You like fairies.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Yes, you do. You’ve still got a children’s book with fairy pictures hidden in your room.”

  “Stop going through my stuff!”

  “You can keep the shoes if you like. I’ve got more than I need.”

  Kalix was in a determined mood, and eager to get on. “Thanks for these,” she said, and disappeared down the ladder. She was dressed in a pair of child’s tracksuit bottoms she’d bought for eighty cents at a charity shop, and a shapeless gray vest. The singlet displayed her shoulders, which were bony, and her arms, which were thin and scarred. She hurried downstairs and out of the flat, breaking into a run as soon as she touched the pavement. Inspired by her encounter with Joan Jett, Kalix had decided to get in shape. Any time now the MacRinnalchs would be involved in a violent confrontation, and Kalix had decided to make sure she was ready. It would help her to kill more hunters. She hoped it would also take her mind off Manny.

  Kalix ran through the backstreets, going at a fast pace. No one paid her any attention; joggers were a common sight in the city. Her unusually long hair made her stand out a little, but she’d tied it back in a long ponytail, and looked like any other young runner, apart from the Hello Kitty footwear.

  Kalix knew she was out of shape. By human standards, she ran quickly for a long way before feeling any fatigue, but as a young werewolf she ought to be able to do better. Her heart pounded as she ran through Vauxhall Park but she didn’t slow down. She passed out of the park, back into the streets, and headed toward Clapham Road, intending to make a long circuit back toward Kennington. Her face was damp from perspiration and the recent cuts on her arm began to itch as she continued running. By now she was feeling the pace. Her heart was pounding and she was beginning to pant for breath. Kalix stopped for a moment, annoyed with herself. She remembered how she could run as a child, for hours on end, through the forests, over hills, not stopping for rivers or bushes. Then, her energy had seemed endless. Now, at eighteen, it had diminished.

  I shouldn’t have let this happen, thought Kalix. She started again, and ran down Clapham Road, sprinting past shoppers and schoolchildren, her ponytail trailing behind her, sweat glistening on her shoulders. She was close to home when her strength gave out and she was forced to stop, leaning on some railings for support. Kalix cursed.

  “I’m going to get healthy,” she said out loud, and started off again, running as fast as she could toward her house.

  Daniel arrived downstairs to find Vex eating cereal and watching cartoons.

  “Hi, Daniel, I’m back! Has Kalix gone mad again?”

  “I don’t think so. Why?”

  “She’s gone out running. I gave her Hello Kitty sneakers.”

  Daniel was troubled. “Running? That does sound quite mad. Did she say why?”

  “No. She just rushed out.” Vex cast a dark look toward the TV. “I’m giving Nagasaki Night Fight Boom Boom Girl one last chance. If this episode is as bad as the rest I’m really going to complain. Is Japan far away?”

  “Very far.”

  “I’ll go and complain anyway,” said Vex.

  Daniel sat down beside Vex to watch Nagasaki Night Fight Boom Boom Girl. He knew it was a serious matter when your favorite show suffered from a poor spin-off.

  “Maybe this episode will be better,” he said, encouragingly.

  Kalix crashed through the front door and stumbled into the living room. She collapsed onto the floor and lay there face down, panting. Daniel and Vex looked at each other.

  “I’m sure no good will come of this,” said Daniel.

  “Running’s hard,” gasped Kalix. She rolled over onto her back. “I ran a long way.”

  Kalix glanced down at her feet. Her Hello Kitty training shoes were stained with dirt from the park. “Sorry I messed up your shoes.”

  “It’s OK,” said Vex, who didn’t mind at all.

  Kalix lay on her back, too stiff and sore to move. The cat appeared and, finding Kalix in such a convenient position, climbed on her chest and went to sleep.

  “What brought this on?” asked Daniel, who was very suspicious about physical activity.

  “I met Joan Jett.”

  “What?”

  “She knocked me over when she was jogging. Then I noticed how fit she looked. So I thought I’d go jogging.”

  Daniel was on the point of questioning Kalix further but Vex shushed them as Nagasaki Night Fight Boom Girl began.

  “I’m giving you one last chance,” she said to the television. “You’d better improve or there’s going to be trouble.”

  CHAPTER 129

  On the night before the full moon, the first wolf night of the month, clan secretary Rainal politely called the assembled werewolves to order. There were twelve werewolves at this month’s council meeting. Decembrius, easily recognizable by his dark-red pelt, had traveled up from London to make a rare appearance. His mother Lucia looked at him with pride as he took his place around the large circular table. As always, a log fire burned in the corner. Torches on the stone walls cast a flickering light over the chamber, illuminating the dark green banners of the MacRinnalch Clan. In front of each werewolf were a crystal decanter of water and another of the clan whisky, and thick crystal tumblers. Rainal turned to the Enchantress, whose golden pelt made her even more distinctive than Decembrius.

  “The first business lies with you.”

  “Thank you, Rainal.” Thrix looked round at the assembled werewolves. “We’ve located the headquarters of the Avenaris Guild in London. I propose we plan and execute an attack.”

  “I thought it couldn’t be found,” said Tupan, Dominil’s father. “Are you sure you’ve got the right place?”

  “Dominil and I confirmed it with the help of Queen Dithean.”

  Werewolf brows were raised in surprise. The Fairy Queen was an important ally but she wasn’t known for participating in the war with the Avenaris Guild.

  “I’m not sure how much Queen Dithean knows about werewolf hunters,” said Baron MacPhee. “Could you tell us some more details?”

  “Do you need every detail?” snapped Thrix. “We’ve found it, and now we should be planning an attack.”

  Thrix’s display of temper seemed unwarranted.

  “It’s not unreasonable to ask for more details,” said Verasa.

  “We believe the headquarters is situated in Gloucester Place, north of Oxford Street,” said Dominil smoothly. “We believe that because of information we gathered at a ball where the Empress Kabachetka was present. She is, you will recall, an ally of the Guild. Thrix and I examined the scene, and entered a premise next door. We used sorcery provided by the Fairy Queen, which confirmed our suspicions. If you look at the folders in front of you, you’ll see I’ve provided maps and pictures.”

  Dominil’s speech was received in silence. Several council members had already suggested privately that she be removed from the council, though no formal motion had been made.

  “It’s excellent work,” said Markus. “From both Dominil and Thrix. And I agree we should now be planning an attack.”

  Markus drew out several sheets of paper from his folder. The rest of the council followed his example. For some minutes there was silence save for the rustling of papers as the werewolves coped with the rather difficult task of manipulating papers with their paws.

  “So this is their headquarters?” said the youthful Baron MacAllister. “It doesn’t look like much.”

  Dominil had copied pictures from the internet, showing the front and back of the house, along with several aerial views.

  “It’s a larger building than it might appear from the photos,” said Dominil. “There are four stories and it goes back a long way inside. It’s also possible there are floors underground. The Guild has had many years to make alterations.”

  “How are we expected to attack it?” asked
Baron MacGregor.

  “That’s what we’re here to discuss.” Thrix could feel a lack of enthusiasm in the room, and it angered her.

  “We can’t just send a group of werewolves openly into a London street, can we?” said the Baron.

  “There are only two entrances, as far as I can tell,” said Dominil. “A front door and a back door.”

  “They’re bound to be well fortified and defended.” Baron MacGregor was an old campaigner, well used to fighting. “How are we to send werewolves against this place?”

  “I wondered about entering through the wall,” said Dominil. “Thrix and I visited a hotel room next door. If we could penetrate the wall—”

  “What, you mean blow it up?” said Baron MacGregor. Though not quite as old as Baron MacPhee, he was a very senior werewolf, and cautious in outlook. “In the middle of London? You’d have the police there in no time.”

  “Even if you did get through the wall, how would you get enough werewolves into the hotel to mount an attack?” asked Kertal. Kertal, brother of the old Thane, rarely spoke at council meetings, but it was clear he shared the others’ doubts.

  “Is everyone trying to be as awkward as possible?” said Thrix. “The hunters murdered Minerva MacRinnalch and now we’re going to get revenge.”

  “I’m not sending my wolves on a foolhardy mission to get killed in London,” said Baron MacGregor.

  “It is not foolhardy!” shouted Thrix.

  “What’s this I hear about the building being a ‘House That Can’t Be Found’?” asked Baron MacPhee. “Is that true?”

  “Yes,” said Dominil.

  “Have any of you young werewolves ever met a stone dwarf?” asked the Baron. “No? Well, I have. I remember talking to him when I was out hunting with the old Thane. Clever elementals, the stone dwarves. They build a house to be secure. You can guarantee that place will be almost impossible to get into. You can’t get in by sorcery and if you do get in some other way, you won’t be able to use sorcery inside.” The old Baron looked pointedly at Thrix.