A Year of Finding Happiness

by Lisa Hobman

  We mostly sat in silence and I stroked my fingers up and down her arm, loving how her skin quivered beneath my touch. Admittedly there was nothing I wanted more than to carry her up the stairs to her bedroom, lay her down, and make love to her all night, but I had to keep calm and know that those things would happen. I just had to be patient.

  But, my God, patience was something I would struggle with. I knew this just by the way my body reacted to her every sigh or movement where our bodies touched so innocently. Thinking back, I tried to remember when I’d last had this feeling of desperation to claim someone as my own. To make the most of every single second. Had I felt this way with Mairi? Maybe I had, but I couldn’t bring it to mind. This all felt so new. So necessary. It wasn’t just a feeling of lust. As I trailed my gaze over her relaxed features, I was overcome by a sense of need.

  I needed her.

  Fuck.

  The realisation both excited and terrified me. I was a fiercely independent man. In fact my independence verged on the antisocial but here I was desperate to not be alone for once, with this gorgeous, caring, sexy woman in my arms; and I was having to fight my masculine, caveman-like urges to make her mine, waiting be damned. What if she suddenly realised she’d made a mistake? Shit, I’d fall apart, I just knew it. I tenderly stroked my hand down her cheek, and she closed her eyes as she nuzzled even closer.

  She dozed off in my arms and I watched her sleeping for about an hour, taking the time to study her face and neck, the curve of her breasts and the sweep of her waist. I wasn’t helping myself on the taking-it-slow front and I was relieved when she awoke. She apologised for being asleep but I told her I’d enjoyed looking at her. It was true.

  Her gaze flicked around the room and she knotted her fingers in her lap. ‘So… what happens now?’

  Pulling her close, I cupped her cheek. ‘Well, that’s up to you. We take things at your pace. When you feel you want to move forward, we do, until then it’s whatever you want it to be.’

  Biting her lip, she confessed, ‘I… I’m scared of making huge mistakes… I’m scared of being judged… I’m scared of judging myself and being disappointed that I didn’t give myself time.’

  ‘Then time is what you’ll have. Mallory, earlier today was… I felt so happy just being with you. Kissing you was… wow… not what I expected. I’m so terrified you’ll regret it and that’s why I didn’t try to…’ I hoped she knew what I meant when my words trailed off.

  Her lips turned up in a sweet smile. ‘I know, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciated that.’ She sat upright, trailing her gaze over my face, and her cheeks flushed.

  Oh, no. She’s regretting it already. ‘What? What’s wrong?’ I couldn’t hide the panic from my voice.

  ‘N-nothing… I was just thinking… never mind.’ The colour of her cheeks intensified and she twisted her hands together.

  I gently placed my finger under her chin and lifted her face so that her eyes would meet mine. ‘If you need to say something, please just say it. Don’t leave me wondering. I’m terrified here.’ I smiled, trying to make light of the situation.

  ‘It’s silly really… I was just seeing you through fresh eyes, I guess. You’re an incredibly good-looking man, you know?’ She smiled nervously and relief flooded my body. Thank goodness. I felt my own cheeks heat at her words. It was wonderful that she found me attractive because I really, really found her attractive. It was like a magnetic pull for me.

  I knew she was scared of what the people around us would think about our budding romance, but I also knew that the people in the village had really taken to her. All they wanted was for her to be happy and for her to stay. We chatted about her fears and I hoped she believed what I was saying. People really wouldn’t judge her at all. They’d be shocked she’d chosen a grumpy arse like me and would be more likely to judge her on her choice of man rather than the fact that she had chosen to be with someone.

  I felt her body relax and the tension leave her. She climbed onto my lap and rested her forehead on mine. The sensation where our bodies touched was one of intense pleasure and I groaned. She began to kiss me and as she leaned even closer, she ground herself into me. I don’t think she was doing it on purpose – it was just her natural movements as we kissed – but I hardened beneath her and the contact and friction were sending my heart into frenzy. I grasped her arse, pulling her even closer, and as the kisses became more and more urgent I could feel my desire taking over.

  I had to stop it.

  Lifting her from my lap, I placed her down on the couch and moved away. Glancing back at her, I saw the hurt in her eyes. She thought I’d rejected her. Oh, no, no, you’ve got it wrong, sweetheart.

  ‘What… what’s wrong, Greg?’ Her voice was a strangled whisper. I stood and walked over to the fireplace and rested my hands there, dropping my head. Breathing deeply, I willed my thudding heart to calm and my prominent arousal to subside.

  ‘I… I have to stop now; before we go too far. You’re not ready… We need to be careful not to rush things. I don’t want to lose you… I can’t lose you too.’ I knew it was the right thing to do. For her. I heard her get up and held my breath, wondering what she was going to do. Ask me to leave? Instead she slipped her arms around me and rested her head on my back. I released the breath steadily.

  Turning around, I enveloped her in my embrace once again, and she tilted her face up to mine. I gazed into her mesmerizing azure eyes and inhaled deeply for courage. ‘Just promise me one thing.’

  She reached up and kissed my chin. ‘Anything.’

  ‘If you have second thoughts about us, or if I’m taking things at the wrong speed, even if I’m going too slowly, please talk to me. Don’t shut me out. I couldn’t cope with that, Mallory. I’m afraid I’m in love with you… deeply in love with you. I’m not sure how you feel about me right now. I’m not asking you to tell me. I just hope that we have a chance at a future.’ Inwardly I cringed. There I was on one hand saying we’d take things slow and on the other telling her my innermost feelings. Sheesh!

  Her brow creased and I feared the worst again. ‘I… Can you give me some time? I have so many feelings whizzing around my head right now that I just can’t make sense of them. But please know that I do have feelings.’

  As I smiled down at her, my heart melted. I felt a small crack appear in the façade of my burgeoning hope but did my best to ignore it. Give her time, McBradden. Just give her time. I forced a warm expression and told her, ‘That will tide me over.’

  Chapter Forty

  We went back to snuggling on the couch and sharing a bottle of wine. We talked about all sorts of stuff: our childhoods, our friends – or lack thereof, in my case. Watching her delicious mouth as she spoke had me wanting her lips on mine again and again and every time we made eye contact I felt a jolt of excitement that had desire unfurling low in my abdomen. The fact that she smiled so often throughout our conversation gave me a warm glow. Or it could’ve been the alcohol… No, who was I trying to kid? It was definitely Mallory.

  Glancing over at the clock, I realised it was almost the middle of the night. Placing my glass down on the floor, I said the words that I knew would make my heart sink. ‘I really should go.’

  She slid her body closer to mine and stroked her fingers down my stubbled face. ‘You could stay.’ My body was screaming, Yes, yes! Hell, yes! But I reminded her that we had agreed to take things slowly. And if I stayed, there was no guarantee that I could stick to that promise.

  ‘We could just hold each other and stay clothed,’ she suggested.

  My will was weakening, but I had to make one last attempt to do the right thing. ‘I’ll stay, but why don’t I sleep in the spare room?’

  She grasped my hands in hers and pleaded with me with her eyes. ‘Look, I don’t want to be alone. Today… in fact this last month has been a whirlwind. I don’t want you to go. Why don’t we just sleep in the same bed and stay clothed?’

  So much for my firm resolve. I
let her take my hand and lead me up the stairs. She disappeared into the bathroom and closed the door. Running my hands over my face, I inhaled and exhaled a shaking breath. Removing my T-shirt and socks, I awaited her return with a pounding heart. I had no clue how this whole thing would pan out, but what my head and my heart wanted were two completely different things; both led by my feelings for her. I was standing by the bed when she returned looking so damn cute in a pair of white pyjamas – all virginal and innocent. I knew she wasn’t a virgin, but there was a definite air of innocence around her.

  With her eyes fixed on mine, she walked around the bed and pulled the covers back. Taking it as an invite, I climbed in and lay down, holding my arm out to her. She climbed in beside me and snuggled into me for a moment before we rolled to face each other. I stroked her cheek gently and whispered a heartfelt, ‘I love you.’ A tear slipped from her eye and trailed down her flushed face into her hair as she traced my tattoo with her fingertips. Leaning forward, she kissed me there on my chest, and I inhaled the scent of her shampoo as my heart rate increased and my body sprang to life once more.

  ‘Can I kiss you one last time before you go to sleep?’ I would have to get a handle on my body’s reaction to her. Otherwise I’d be constantly walking around with my hands in front of my jeans. The muscles of my thighs tightened as I imagined her tongue caressing mine. God, what she did to me.

  She didn’t answer. Instead she pulled me towards her and took my mouth with hers. She kissed me with such passion and I found it hard to resist taking things further as she pressed her soft body into my hardness. I could feel her heart pounding against my own and her breathing accelerating too. She pulled away and gazed into my eyes one last time before snuggling into me and falling asleep. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes, willing my own heart to calm. Being so close to her was hard… pardon the pun… and not acting on my instincts was damn near killing me; but I had so much to lose if I rushed her.

  Think of anything else, McBradden… anything but how close she is and the fact that all there is between you is a thin layer of white cotton…

  *

  I was woken by a vibrating sensation around my groin, which was rather alarming to say the least. Realising I hadn’t taken my phone out of my jeans pocket, I struggled to retrieve it, determined not to wake the sleeping beauty beside me. I slipped out from under the duvet and she murmured and rolled over. Her buttons had popped open, giving me a wonderful view of her stomach and part of her breast. My mouth watered a little and I fought the urge to climb back in beside her to free her from her pyjamas altogether, seeing as the vibrations had stopped.

  My fantasy was rudely interrupted as no sooner had they stopped than the vibrations started again. I pulled on my T-shirt and tiptoed out of the bedroom and down the stairs. It wasn’t a number I recognised, so I figured it might have been something to do with Mairi.

  I reached the kitchen and answered. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Greg?’

  Scrunching my brow, I replied, ‘Who is this?’

  ‘Aww, forgotten me already, have you? Maybe your new girlfriend is taking up too much space in your brain.’

  Alice. Fuck.

  ‘What do you know about my new girlfriend?’ I asked in a harsh whisper.

  She giggled and it sent a shiver of displeasure down my spine. ‘I didn’t, but you’ve just confirmed you have one. You still living in the arsehole of the world?’

  Bitch. ‘I love this place and I’d rather you didn’t call it that,’ I informed her in a less-than-cordial tone.

  ‘Sorry, I was only kidding around. You’re so easy to wind up. Listen, I’ve been thinking about you. I wondered if we could get together and… you know… talk?’

  ‘Alice, I have nothing to say to you.’

  ‘Really? We are still married, you know. I’m your wife, Greg. Don’t you think it might be worth talking about that fact? Or is your girlfriend completely fine that she’s seeing a married man?’

  I fell silent. Oh, great.

  ‘Oooh, she doesn’t know, does she?’ Her voice was now tinged with mischief.

  ‘Look, Alice. Can’t you just leave me to get on with my life? Haven’t you done enough to ruin things for me already?’

  ‘I don’t want to ruin your life, Greg. I just think we have unresolved issues that we need to discuss, and I think you need to tell your girlfriend that you’re married.’

  I could feel my future with Mallory slipping away from me. ‘What do you suggest we do?’

  ‘I suggest I come to see you. We need to talk things through and decide a way forward.’

  I snorted derisively at her choice of words. ‘The only way forward, Alice, is divorce.’

  There was a silent pause for a few moments. ‘I can’t say I’m surprised to hear you say that, but I do think we need to talk. Things were left on such a bad note.’

  ‘You think?’ God, she was good at stating the fucking obvious. ‘We won’t be friends, Alice. That ship sailed many years ago.’

  She sighed down the line. ‘I’d like you to forgive me. And I hope that if we can talk, we can work towards that.’

  ‘Whatever.’ My jaw automatically clenched and I flared my nostrils. ‘When are you thinking of coming?’

  ‘Soon. Very soon, in fact. I’ll sort the arrangements and let you know.’

  ‘Well, I can’t say I’m looking forward to seeing you, Alice.’

  ‘Let’s just talk, okay? At least give me a chance?’

  ‘A chance to make up more lies?’

  ‘No. No, I won’t do that. Look… you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I went about things all wrong, but I never stopped loving you. I have so many regrets, Greg. I just want the chance to make it up to you.’

  ‘That’s not possible. Look, we’ll talk when you get here.’

  ‘Okay. And, Greg?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You need to tell your girlfriend about us.’

  ‘There is no us,’ I informed her before hanging up and throwing my phone onto the table, where it landed with a thud.

  Chapter Forty-one

  Mallory almost floated into the room with a heart-stopping smile on her face. ‘Hey, you.’

  She sashayed towards me where I sat at her kitchen table. Her cheeks had a pink glow and seeing her so happy made a deep sadness settle over me. ‘Hey, yourself. Sleep well?’

  She slipped her arms around my neck. ‘Wonderfully well, you?’

  I gently touched her face, feeling as if it might be one of the last times I got to be so intimate with her. ‘I did too.’

  She kissed me and asked me what was wrong. Damn, it was that obvious? A lump lodged in my throat and I looked at the floor. I was about to break her heart and I didn’t want to watch.

  I heaved out a long, shaking breath. ‘I’ve been thinking… I… I’m not sure this is a good idea… you and me,’ I lied, and then I had to swallow down the nausea that had suddenly crept up on me.

  She dropped her arms from around me and pulled out a chair. She lowered herself down and with a panicked expression she stuttered, ‘What? Why? What’s happened? Did I say something wrong?’ The only thing she’d done wrong was presuming this shitty situation was her fault. There was only one person to blame, and that was me.

  I shook my head and smiled at her. ‘You were… you are perfect.’ I believed that with all my heart. And losing her would be just as painful as losing Mairi had been.

  But it was inevitable.

  ‘Then what’s the problem? Is it… is it because I didn’t sleep with you?’

  What?

  Anger at the whole fucking situation bubbled to the surface and I jumped to my feet, knocking over the chair. ‘How could you even think that? Let alone say it out loud?’

  She stood and held her hands up in surrender. ‘Okay, okay. It was uncalled for, I’m sorry. You’ve been the perfect gentleman. I didn’t mean it, but please tell me what made you change your mind.’ Pain was evident in her vo
ice, and I realised I was the biggest bastard that ever lived.

  My stomach knotted. ‘There are things you don’t know about me. Things about my past.’ Well, in truth there was one huge thing she didn’t know about me.

  ‘Greg, we have time to get to know about each other’s past.’ She sounded panicked and her hands were shaking. I wanted to comfort her but couldn’t bring myself to touch her again. It would be more than I could bear. I shook my head and glanced into her widened eyes.

  Her chest heaved. ‘Why now? Why go through all that shit yesterday and then do this now?’ she shouted angrily, her voice breaking. She had every right to be angry.

  Time to tell your sordid little secret. ‘I had a call this morning. While you were sleeping.’

  ‘And this call made you not want me anymore?’ Her voice wavered.

  ‘No, it’s not that at all, please don’t think that, Mallory. My feelings for you haven’t changed. They will never change.’ Fuck, my heart was breaking. I had to fight to keep my composure, but I was rapidly losing the battle.

  She inhaled deeply as if to calm herself. ‘You said to me yesterday that if I had second thoughts I was to tell you. Why does that not apply to you?’

  She was right. I at least should offer her the same courtesy.

  ‘Okay, okay, fair point. But I’m warning you. When I tell you, it’ll be the end of any future we had. Are you ready to lose that before it even begins?’ After picking up the chair, I sat down again and dropped my head into my hands.

  ‘Well, you’re ending this anyway, so just tell me!’ she shouted, and I flinched at the anger in her voice, my eyes snapping up to hers.

  I gestured that she should sit down, and she did so shakily. I started at the beginning and told her about Alice and me. The fake pregnancy and our marriage, and then about finding her in bed with Connell and me walking out. She sat silently, absorbing my words open-mouthed.