My Sister's Lies

by S. D. Robertson

  Hannah considered mentioning that she knew their parents were propping her up with handouts. It was something her mum had let slip after Hannah had queried how Diane could manage on her maternity pay alone. However, she thought better of saying so, realising it would only lead to a needless argument. And how could she begrudge her sister that parental help at such a crucial time in her life?

  She decided to drop the matter. Diane didn’t exactly have a good track record when it came to her boyfriends. They had a tendency to be good-for-nothing losers and users, so it was probably best for all concerned if the mystery father remained out of the picture. It was a bit odd she’d never let on who he was, mind. But hey-ho, that was her sister for you. She always liked to do things her own way.

  ‘What are you staring at?’ Diane snapped at a middle-aged man walking in the opposite direction, who’d been looking from one sister to the other. It was a common enough occurrence when they were out together and something that had never particularly bothered Hannah. If anything it amused her; Diane, on the other hand, often tended to lash out in such a way.

  ‘Do you have to be so aggressive, Di?’ Hannah said quietly.

  ‘What? It’s annoying! So we look alike. That doesn’t give people the right to gawk at us. Anyway, since we’re talking about me being a single mum and all, I have something I’ve been meaning to ask you. Something important.’

  ‘That sounds serious.’

  Diane chewed on one of her fingernails. ‘It is actually. It’s about what will happen to Mia if, God forbid, anything should happen to me while she’s still a child.’

  ‘Oh, right. That’s a bit of a morbid thought.’

  ‘Well, it’s something I need to think about now I’m a parent; all the more so because I’m doing it alone. Anyway, I’m getting a will sorted and I was hoping you and Mark might be okay with being named as Mia’s guardians, on the off-chance I cark it.’

  Hannah had guessed this might be where the conversation was headed. Although it wasn’t something she’d considered previously, her initial reaction was that she’d be only too happy to take on this responsibility for her sister and, of course, her beautiful niece, who she doted on. Her only concern was Mark. He too was very fond of Mia, but he’d always said he didn’t want children, so she wasn’t sure how he’d respond to this.

  ‘Wow. I’m honoured to be asked,’ she said, grabbing Diane and pulling her into a hug. This was the truth. She was also a little surprised, since she and her sister hadn’t always seen eye to eye over the years. Diane’s pregnancy and, even more so, Mia’s birth had seemed to bring them closer together, though. She’d accompanied her sister to several of her prenatal appointments and classes; she’d been the one there with her in the birthing room at the hospital; and now she felt like her niece was the closest thing she’d ever have to a child of her own. Privately, there had been a little jealousy at first, but rather than give in to the green-eyed monster, Hannah had opted to embrace the situation and make the best of being an aunt.

  She really wanted to say yes straight away. But she knew it wasn’t fair to do so without first speaking to her husband.

  ‘Don’t worry, Han,’ Diane said. ‘I’m not expecting an answer immediately. I realise it’s something you and Mark will need to discuss first. Just let me know as soon as you can. Mum and Dad are the other option, but they’re not getting any younger and with Mum’s health as it is—’

  ‘No, of course. I totally understand. I’ll speak to Mark as soon as possible.’

  ‘Are you okay, darling?’

  The sound of Mark’s voice, laden with concern, brought Hannah’s mind crashing back to the harsh reality of the present.

  He’d moved next to her on the couch and slipped his arm around her waist.

  ‘Sorry, what was that?’ she asked, shaking her head to clear it.

  ‘Your eyes glazed over for a moment there. You looked like you were miles away.’

  Hannah sighed. ‘Sorry. I guess I just, er, got lost in my thoughts. What you said before. It triggered something: a memory. When Diane first asked me about us being Mia’s guardians if—’

  ‘Ah, right.’

  ‘I thought at the time you might not want to take on the responsibility, because of not wanting kids. But you were great. You agreed without hesitation.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And you think Diane brought Mia here because that’s what she still wanted?’

  Mark rubbed his nose and looked over at the open lounge door, his wary eyes acting as a reminder of the need to keep it down, so Mia couldn’t overhear them. ‘With hindsight, I think that’s a definite possibility. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see what it says in her will, assuming there is one.’

  ‘Well, there definitely was back then. I guess it depends if she’s changed it since.’ Hannah hung her head and let out a whimper. ‘I can’t believe she’s really gone, Mark. Every time I think about what happened – what she did to herself – I feel like I’m going to vomit.’

  CHAPTER 18

  ‘Everything okay today, mate? You look like death warmed up.’

  Mark looked up from the printout he’d been staring at for the past fifteen minutes. He saw Adam’s cheery face beaming at him from the side of his desk, like everything was still okay with the world, which couldn’t have been further from the truth. Mark squeezed a pursed smile out for his colleague nonetheless. ‘Charming.’

  ‘Seriously, though. You look shattered. What happened?’

  ‘I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.’

  Adam frowned. Lowering his voice after looking around to ensure no one nearby was eavesdropping, he said: ‘Is this to do with whatever was bothering you yesterday? I know it’s not what us blokes usually do, but if you need to talk about it … we’re both modern men, right?’

  This last comment was delivered with a wry grin, but Mark could tell Adam was being sincere. ‘Shall we pop to the kitchen for a minute?’ he said after glancing over that way to confirm it was empty. ‘It’s probably best if I do tell you what’s happened.’

  Once he’d brought Adam up to speed under cover of the boiling kettle, his friend shook his head, looking dazed. ‘Bloody hell,’ he repeated several times. ‘How was she when she dropped you off at the station, your sister-in-law? Did she give you any impression that she might be on the edge?’

  Mark shook his head. Diane had seemed calm and collected that morning. Despite everything she’d told him the night before, there was no way he’d seen this coming when he left her.

  ‘Why are you in work?’ Adam asked. ‘No one would have blamed you for taking some time off.’

  ‘Well, she’s only a relative by marriage, at the end of the day. I did think about it, but I decided it would have been worse, sitting at home with Hannah and Mia, twiddling my thumbs, rather than coming in. At least here there’s plenty to keep me busy and take my mind off it.’

  ‘Isn’t there loads to organise for the funeral and so on?’

  ‘There will be, but it’s too early yet. The body won’t even be released for a bit … whatever state it’s in.’

  Adam winced. ‘God, I hadn’t even thought about that. What an awful way to go.’

  Seeing another member of the team on their way to the kitchen with a handful of mugs, Mark asked Adam to keep the information to himself then suggested they ought to get back to work.

  ‘I want to die on my own terms, before things get too bad. Quick and painless, while I’m still me.’

  Those words of Diane had been bouncing around inside Mark’s head ever since Hannah had informed him of her death. They troubled him again now as he returned to his desk and pretended to be busy while lost in his thoughts. She’d made it quite clear she was suicidal – and what had he done? Nothing. He should never have left her alone having heard that. The problem was that she’d backtracked after saying it: with hindsight, probably to throw him off the scent after realising he might tell someone and try to stop her. But she’d b
een convincing, claiming she hadn’t meant it.

  ‘Don’t worry, Mark, honestly,’ she’d told him as they’d continued to chat in her kitchen. ‘I’m not actually going to do anything stupid. I read in some pamphlets they gave me that it’s normal for terminally ill patients to say such things without really meaning them. It’s a way of taking back control, apparently; to counter the feeling of our lives no longer being in our own hands. Although you could argue they never were in the first place. Is it better to know you’re going to die soon or for it to happen unexpectedly? Yep, these are the kinds of happy thoughts occupying my head at the moment.’

  He cast his mind back to their car journey to the train station. Diane had seemed quite bright, considering. Definitely better than the night before. But now he wondered if that was because she’d already made the decision to take her own life. Had knowing this given her a sense of liberation, of serenity?

  He hadn’t told a soul about any of this or her terminal cancer diagnosis. Unsurprisingly, Hannah in particular had probed him for information about his visit to her house and whether he’d seen or heard anything to indicate what she was about to do. He had considered mentioning the cancer at least, but he couldn’t see what good it would do to tell her now. The diagnosis would come to light eventually as part of the inevitable inquest into Diane’s death. And since no one other than Diane knew she’d told him, why complicate matters?

  Mark thought back to what he’d decided about Mia and his parental duties towards her just moments before hearing the news of Diane’s death. He’d resolved to stand up and accept his responsibilities. This was something even more important now than before. And yet what did it mean exactly? If his suspicions about Diane’s intentions for Mia’s future were correct and Frank didn’t throw up any opposition, there was a good chance she’d be coming to live with them. This would take some adjusting to for everyone, but he wouldn’t be opposing it. How could he in the circumstances?

  The person most likely to be against it was Mia herself, who’d have to leave her home, school and friends behind. What with all the grief she’d be experiencing, and no doubt the anger she’d feel in light of her mum’s extreme actions, it was going to be tough enough for the kid already. Did she really need to discover that her uncle was in fact her father, on top of everything else?

  Mark’s current thinking was that telling Mia now would be a mistake. If he did so, he’d have to tell Hannah too, thus putting their marriage on the line. And that would benefit no one. Mia would face an unsettled future when she most needed stability, while Hannah would be left incredibly vulnerable ahead of her novel being released.

  What a shambles. Even with the wildcard that was Diane no longer on the scene, Mark still feared she might have left a message somewhere for her daughter or sister. He thought back to the letter she’d handed him in the car park. It seemed so long ago now, although it was actually less than a fortnight. What was it she’d said about the truth?

  He slid open his desk drawer and rummaged around with his hand near the back until he found the envelope he’d stashed there and the single sheet of folded paper it contained.

  He opened it on top of his keyboard and scanned through it until he found the words he was looking for. She’d written first that it was time for the truth and then later: Secrets and lies are no good. They eat you up inside.

  Mark felt his heart pounding in his chest as he read these few words over and over again, wondering what implication to draw from them. How much of the truth had Diane wanted to reveal? She had also threatened to tell Hannah and Mia his big secret if he’d told either of them about her cancer. What if she’d written something down – a letter or a draft email perhaps – in anticipation of this? If so, anyone could find it while going through her things.

  Mark was so absorbed by these terrifying possibilities that he didn’t notice Sharon from reception walking up to his desk until the very last minute. Panicking she might see the compromising contents of Diane’s letter, he shoved it into the inside pocket of his jacket and tried not to look flustered.

  ‘Hi, Sharon,’ he said. ‘Is everything all right?’

  The pained expression on her face immediately told him otherwise. ‘I’m so sorry to bother you,’ she replied in little more than a whisper. ‘I know you asked me to hold all your calls, but … there’s a policeman on the line.’ As she delivered this last part of her news, Sharon’s eyes were screwed up so tightly they were almost closed.

  ‘I see,’ Mark replied in a voice that was calmer than he felt.

  ‘He was insistent that he needed to speak to you.’

  ‘That’s fine. I know what it will be about.’ Mark paused, weighing up whether it was better to tell her nothing and risk the office gossip machine going wild at his expense, or to give her a titbit. Opting for the latter, he added: ‘Someone I know was involved in a nasty accident yesterday.’

  ‘Oh dear. I am sorry.’

  ‘Thanks. So is this policeman still on hold?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Mark looked to the nearest meeting room, which was empty, and asked her to transfer the call to the phone in there.

  As Sharon raced back to her desk, Mark walked to the meeting room, avoiding the eyes of his colleagues. He shut the door and waited for the phone to ring.

  CLIENT SESSION TRANSCRIPT: HCOOK080819

  H: Thanks for squeezing me in for another session, Sally.

  S: Of course. I’m sorry it can’t be for as long as usual, but I juggled things about as best I could. I thought a short session today and again tomorrow would hopefully be okay for you.

  H: Yes, perfect. Much appreciated.

  S: Please accept my condolences, Hannah. Such awful news about your sister.

  H: Thank you. Yes, I’m still struggling to wrap my mind around it all, to be honest. God knows what must be going on inside Mia’s head.

  S: If you think she could do with seeing a counsellor at any point, I have a colleague I can thoroughly recommend, who specialises in helping children to manage grief. It’s probably too soon right now, but you know, eventually.

  H: Thanks, Sally. I’ll definitely bear that in mind. She got very frustrated this morning about mislaying her mobile phone, which I took as a symptom of her anguish. But otherwise she’s not been very forthcoming so far. I’m just trying to be as supportive and sympathetic as I can without crowding her.

  S: That sounds sensible. For the moment it’s probably best to let her deal with things however she’s most comfortable and at her own pace.

  H: Good to know.

  S: So have you found out exactly what happened to your sister yet?

  H: There’s a police investigation going on, but I think that’s a formality. It seems that … Diane walked out in front of a speeding train.

  S: Goodness. That is tough. Please take your time. Help yourself to tissues.

  H: … Sorry about that. It’s all still so fresh. So raw. One minute I think I’m okay and the next I’m in a state.

  S: It’s totally understandable.

  H: Is it though? Do I actually have any right to mourn my sister, considering the state of our relationship?

  S: You have every right to feel whatever you feel.

  H: What about guilt? I can’t stop thinking this is partly my fault. If I’d been more welcoming to her when she reached out to me, maybe she’d never have been driven to do such a dreadful thing. Perhaps I could have stopped this.

  S: You can’t think like that. The past is the past. There’s no way of altering it now and you’ll never know if there was anything you could have done to change it. You don’t know what was going through Diane’s head when this happened. If things are as they seem, then she did this to herself. And it’s not like you turned her away, is it? She asked for your help and you gave it to her. That’s more than a lot of people would have done in the same situation.

  H: I feel very angry too. How could Diane kill herself knowing she’d be leaving behind a fourteen-year
-old child? She ought to have put her daughter above every other consideration. Whatever drove her to this brutal act, I can’t comprehend how she could be so selfish, especially having experienced the agony of losing a mother herself. That poor girl: abandoned by the only parent she’s ever known. It’s beyond me how she’s turned out as well as she has. I was just starting to accept that Diane must have been a half-decent parent. But how can I possibly believe that now? And to think my sister once had the audacity to tell me I’d make a terrible mum!

  S: When was that?

  H: It was on the day we had our big falling-out, in October 2008, when we both said a lot of nasty things to each other. But that particular comment really stood out for me.

  S: Why’s that, do you think?

  H: It was so deliberately hurtful: like a knife in my heart after all the love I’d showered on her daughter. How could she think that, never mind say it out loud? I suppose not being a mum was still a sore spot for me, particularly in the aftermath of our own mother’s death. I’m not sure why, but after she passed away, I found it really hard. It was part and parcel of my grief, I suppose. Somehow losing one close family member gave me this massive urge to want to create another. I think it was also because of the way Mum had been surrounded by her family at the end, which I know gave her great comfort. I couldn’t help but imagine myself not having that in the same situation. If Mark was to die first, I kept thinking, who would there be for me? Would I die alone? It sounds selfish to worry about that, but I couldn’t help it.

  S: Did you discuss this with Mark?

  H: Almost. I thought about it a lot. At one point it felt like I kept seeing mums and daughters together wherever I went. But in the end I decided it wouldn’t be fair to put that on Mark, knowing he didn’t ever want children. He’d been upfront and honest, giving me a choice before we got engaged, and I’d picked him instead of having kids. I also had the feeling that, if I pushed it, he might give in, feeling sorry for me about my mum’s death and wanting to ease my pain. That’s the type of kind, considerate husband he is – and I couldn’t bring myself to push him into something so important, knowing his heart wouldn’t be in it.