Wanderlust

by Nick Payne

  Nick Payne

  Wanderlust

  Acknowledgements

  Kym Bartlett, Leo Butler, Dominic Cooke, Zac Fox, Terrence Frisch, Simon Godwin, Lotte Hines, Julia Horan, Ellie Kendrick, Ruth Little, Charlotte Lucas, Emily McLaughlin, Clare McQuillan, Davina Shah, Vanessa Stone, Nic Wass, Angus Wright and all of the staff at the Royal Court Theatre.

  Mo Kurimbokus (www.counsellingandsextherapy.co.uk), Mel Merritt at Relate, Helene O’Neill at the Royal College of General Practitioners, Dr Mary Selby and Professor David Wilson and colleagues at Birmingham City University.

  Ben Hall and Lily Williams at Curtis Brown.

  Minna, Mum.

  Lastly, I would like to acknowledge the following books and their authors: The Sex Diaries by Bettina Arndt, The Normal Chaos of Love by Ulrich Beck and Elisabeth Beck-Gernsheim, Essays in Love by Alain de Botton, Rules of Desire by Kate Haste, Relate Guide to Sex in Loving Relationships by Sarah Litvinoff and Pornocopia by Laurence O’Toole.

  I also enjoyed reading Bonk by Mary Roach.

  Characters

  Joy Richards

  forty-five

  Alan Richards

  forty-five

  Tim Richards

  fifteen

  Michelle McCullen

  fifteen

  Stephen Moore

  forty-five

  Clare Walsh

  twenty-six

  Neil Waters

  fifty-one

  Waiter

  For Dad

  Contents

  Title Page

  Acknowledgements

  Characters

  Dedication

  WANDERLUST

  ONE

  TWO

  THREE

  FOUR

  FIVE

  SIX

  SEVEN

  EIGHT

  NINE

  TEN

  ELEVEN

  TWELVE

  THIRTEEN

  FOURTEEN

  FIFTEEN

  SIXTEEN

  SEVENTEEN

  EIGHTEEN

  NINETEEN

  TWENTY

  TWENTY-ONE

  TWENTY-TWO

  TWENTY-THREE

  TWENTY-FOUR

  TWENTY-FIVE

  TWENTY-SIX

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  About the Author

  Copyright

  WANDERLUST

  ‘Sex used to be intercourse because it was part of a context, a loving relationship. When sex is just sex, without any context, what good does it do you? That is the crux of the problem. It becomes the ultimate narcissism, the sole gratification of self-love. Welcome to the masturbatory society.’

  Ziauddin Sardar, ‘It’s Just Mechanics’,

  New Statesman, 2005

  ‘We still believe in love so fuck you.’

  Elbow, ‘Grace Under Pressure’,

  Cast of Thousands, 2003

  An ellipsis (…) following a character’s name indicates a desire to speak but an inability to know quite what to say.

  An ellipsis (…) on its own indicates a pause, a beat, a silence.

  ONE

  Joy.

  Joy He told me that semen was good for me.

  He was after a blowjob.

  He said that he had read that semen contains a hormone that can help fight depression.

  I said that’s ridiculous.

  I’ve just brushed my teeth I said. It’s late.

  He said if I’m not careful, it’ll close up.

  I said, pardon?

  He said that he had read that it can narrow if underused.

  Vaginal atrophy he said it’s called.

  I said, can you stop talking, please, this is becoming offensive now.

  I’m just telling you what I read, he said.

  I’m just telling you what I read.

  TWO

  Joy’s office. Day.

  Joy and Stephen.

  Stephen You don’t remember me, do you?

  We were at school together.

  Stephen. Stephen Moore?

  Joy Right.

  Stephen It is Joy, isn’t it?

  Joy Stephens?

  Joy Yes.

  Well.

  It’s actually Richards now, but –

  Stephen Congratulations.

  Joy Thank you very much.

  Stephen That’s fantastic.

  Really.

  You and Alan.

  Joy Well, anyway, please, do take a seat.

  How can I help?

  Stephen It’s actually a little embarrassing.

  …

  I’m reasonably confident I’ve got thrush.

  Joy Okay.

  Stephen Googled it.

  Joy Right.

  Stephen There’s been a kind of. Discharge. I suppose. Is the term.

  Discharge.

  Joy I see.

  Stephen And it’s sore. And there’s also a kind of.

  I think on Wikipedia it described it as ‘cream-cheese like’.

  Joy Right.

  Stephen Under my foreskin. A cream-cheese like –

  Joy Well. That all sounds.

  Why don’t we.

  Probably the best thing to do is if we.

  Stephen ?

  Joy Take a look.

  Stephen Absolutely.

  Joy Probably the best thing to do is to –

  Stephen No, no, no, absolutely.

  …

  Joy It tends to be easier without the trousers.

  Stephen Course, course, sorry, course.

  Stephen removes his trousers and Joy begins examining Stephen’s penis.

  Joy Thank you.

  Stephen puts his trousers back on.

  Well, as you say, it does indeed look as if you have.

  Thrush.

  Stephen Bugger.

  Joy It’s perfectly treatable, though, so you mustn’t worry.

  If you were worried, though, we could always take a swab?

  Stephen A swab.

  Joy Yes. From your penis.

  Stephen From my.

  Joy From your penis, that’s right. We could also take a swab from your –

  Stephen Penis.

  Joy From your penis, that’s right.

  We could also take a swab from your penis just to double check.

  Stephen Up to you, really.

  What do you think?

  Joy My honest feeling is that it very probably is, as you say, that it very probably is –

  Stephen Thrush.

  Joy That it very probably is thrush, yes.

  But you are of course more than welcome to come back in a couple of weeks if it hasn’t cleared up.

  Stephen A couple of weeks.

  Joy That’s right.

  Stephen If it hasn’t cleared up –

  Joy That’s right, yes, you could come back and we could –

  Stephen You could take a swab.

  Joy That’s right, we could take a swab.

  …

  Stephen Sounds great.

  Joy Great.

  Joy writes Stephen a prescription.

  Two to three times a day, for no more than two weeks.

  And you simply want to rub it into the affected areas.

  Stephen How much?

  Joy Sorry?

  Stephen How much should I rub in?

  Joy No more than the size of a pea.

  Stephen So, no more than the size of a pea should be rubbed in, under my. Under my.

  Joy Underneath your foreskin, that’s right.

  Stephen No more than the size of a pea should be rubbed in under my foreskin two to three times a day for no more than two weeks.

  Jo
y Exactly.

  Stephen Well, that’s fantastic. Really.

  Thank you.

  Joy You’re welcome.

  …

  Stephen And it’s been lovely to see you again.

  He moves to go, stops.

  I hope this doesn’t sound.

  But.

  If you were. Free, at some point.

  For a.

  I really would love to hear all about how you’ve been getting on.

  Anyway, I’ll.

  Exit Stephen.

  THREE

  English Department office. Day.

  Alan.

  Enter Clare.

  Clare Hello.

  Alan Hello, Clare.

  Clare Could we have a quick word?

  Alan Of course.

  Clare You’re not about to head off?

  Alan Just finishing a few bits and pieces.

  Everything alright?

  Clare Um.

  Actually.

  …

  Neil.

  IT.

  IT Neil.

  I just.

  I was looking for a pencil sharpener.

  Alan A pencil sharpener?

  Clare I was looking for a pencil sharpener and I went into 7LW.

  Alan You were looking for a pencil sharpener and you went into –

  Clare I went into 7LW and.

  Neil, from IT, he was.

  Alan, he was masturbating.

  Alan Goodness.

  Clare He didn’t even look up.

  He had his back to me.

  I wasn’t really sure what to do – I mean, I wasn’t really sure what he was doing, at first.

  And I don’t really know Neil, that well. Not really had much of a chance to speak to him yet, properly.

  Alan Of course, of course.

  Clare So all I could see was his back, but.

  His shoulders, they were.

  You know. Moving up and down.

  So I crept a bit closer.

  Needless to say it became pretty clear that poor old Neil was having a good old. (Gestures, masturbation))

  Alan Right, right. I see. God.

  I wonder how on earth he managed to bypass the filter?

  Clare I don’t understand?

  Alan On the computer. I wonder how he managed to bypass the –

  Clare He wasn’t using the computer.

  Alan He wasn’t using the computer?

  Clare No.

  Alan Oh I see, sorry.

  I assumed that he must have been –

  Clare He wasn’t using the computer at all.

  Alan Goodness.

  Clare It was thick.

  Alan I’m sorry?

  Clare The magazine. This thing he had on the desk in front of him.

  It looked like an Argos catalogue or something.

  Alan Argos catalogue.

  Clare I’m saying it looked like an Argos catalogue.

  Alan In terms of its depth?

  Clare In terms of its depth, yes, it looked a lot like a fucking Argos catalogue.

  …

  Alan Are you alright?

  Clare …

  Alan Would you like something to drink?

  Clare No thank you.

  …

  Alan Clare. I really am very sorry.

  Clare Hardly your fault, is it?

  …

  What do you think we should do?

  Alan How do you mean?

  Clare About Neil.

  What do you think we should do?

  Alan …

  Clare I mean, presumably.

  Presumably Janet needs to know?

  Don’t you think?

  Alan …

  Clare Alan, just to clarify, he was masturbating in a year-seven classroom over some kind of magazine the size of the Yellow Pages.

  Alan I understand.

  I do. Of course. I understand completely.

  …

  Clare What?

  Alan Well, one thing I will say –

  Clare What?

  Alan One thing I will say is that I know Neil has been having a bit of trouble.

  Clare Go on.

  Alan At home.

  Clare How d’you mean?

  Alan I’m not sure I’m really in a position to –

  Clare Alan.

  …

  Alan I don’t know the ins and outs.

  But.

  The week before last, Neil asked if he could use the spare bed at my house.

  For a night or two.

  I had to say no, of course, but –

  Clare That’s it?

  Alan I think that Neil and his wife have been having some trouble.

  Clare Go on.

  Alan Sexually.

  Clare That’s it?

  Alan I suppose what I’m trying to say is that perhaps we should have a bit of a think, you and I, we should have a bit of a think before we go storming into Janet’s office and –

  Clare I wasn’t suggesting we go –

  Alan Because I think it’s always important to try and bear in mind that there are likely factors –

  Clare Yeah, no, sure, but –

  Alan Let me have a word with him.

  How does that sound?

  I won’t mention your name.

  I won’t. Mention this conversation.

  Okay?

  How does that sound?

  Clare …

  Yeah. No.

  I mean of course that’s.

  Mean of course that’s fine.

  …

  Alan Are you sure you wouldn’t like something to drink?

  FOUR

  Joy and Alan’s house, bedroom. Night.

  Joy reading and Alan is clipping his toenails.

  Alan Can you remember Neil?

  …

  Joy, can you remember Neil?

  Joy Sorry?

  Alan Neil Waters. Head of IT, can you remember who he is?

  Joy Can I remember –

  Alan Yes, can you remember who he is?

  Joy When would I have met him?

  Alan His wife, Alison, she cooked us a goose.

  Joy Goose?

  Alan They’re a little older, slightly old-fashioned, I suppose. And, yes, we went round to their house for dinner and she cooked us a goose.

  Joy Alan, I –

  Alan It doesn’t matter whether you specifically remember the goose or not, the point I’m trying.

  It doesn’t matter.

  Joy What?

  Alan Read your book.

  Joy Alan.

  Alan It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter.

  …

  Clare walked in on Neil masturbating in 7LW.

  That was the point I was trying to make.

  Joy Who’s Clare?

  Alan What?

  Joy Clare, who is she?

  Alan She’s a teacher, obviously.

  Joy You said her name as if I should know it?

  Alan Did I?

  Joy You just seemed to drop it in.

  ‘Clare’.

  Alan I suppose I just assumed you’d met at some point.

  Joy Have we?

  Alan Well, even if you had, you probably wouldn’t be able to fucking remember it, so what’s the point in us even.

  Anyway the point was.

  Neil, who you don’t remember, but whose wife once cooked us, you and I, a goose, the point was, was that Clare –

  Joy Who I also don’t know, but whose name –

  Alan Was that Clare had the misfortune of walking in on him whilst he was masturbating in a year-seven classroom.

  Joy What did she do?

  Alan She came and told me.

  Joy And what did you do?

  Alan I said let’s have a think.

  Who knows why, in retrospect, but I suppose I thought, I know, I’ll ask Joy, because maybe she’ll be able to help.

  I’d forgotten, however, that before we can talk about anything, we have to ensur
e that all the little microscopic elements of whatever godforsaken thing it is that we –

  Joy Alright –

  Alan Because God forbid we should actually just be able to –

  Joy Alright, alright.

  What was he looking at?

  Alan She wasn’t sure.

  Joy Do they not have filters?

  Alan He wasn’t on a computer.

  Joy He wasn’t on a computer?

  Alan No.

  Clare said it was some kind of book. A catalogue maybe.

  Joy A catalogue?

  Alan Maybe. She wasn’t sure.

  …

  Joy I’m sorry, Alan, but I don’t really know what to say.

  Tim (off ) Mum?

  Joy Do we have a filter?

  Alan, does the laptop downstairs have a filter?

  Alan I don’t think so, no.

  Joy So Tim could be looking at anything?

  Alan Tim has his own laptop.

  Joy As a whole, though, this house –

  Alan No we don’t have any kind of filters.

  Joy Should we?

  Alan Up to you.

  Joy It doesn’t worry you?

  Alan Not particularly, no.

  Joy He could be looking at anything.

  Alan He’s a fifteen-year-old boy.

  If we suddenly start saying, no porn for you –

  Joy He is looking at pornography then?

  Alan I’ve no idea, but –

  Joy Alan, fifteen is –

  Alan It’s everywhere, though, is all I’m saying.

  We tell him he can’t have it here, he’ll only go round to one of his friends’ houses.

  Joy Maybe we should talk to him about it?

  Alan What?

  Joy Maybe one of us should have a talk with him?

  Alan …

  Joy What?

  Alan I just.

  I worry that, out of the blue, we run the risk of –

  Joy Of what?

  Alan Well, in a year’s time he can do whatever he wants.

  Joy I don’t understand?

  …

  Alan.

  Alan If you want me to have some kind of. Talk, with him, then, of course, I will.

  About sex.

  That’s not a problem at all.

  But if you want to me to ask him whether or not he watches pornography on his laptop, then I have to be honest with you, I feel a little uncomfortable about doing that.

  Joy Whatever for?