Wanderlust

by Nick Payne

  How come?

  Michelle Tim, focus.

  It’s basically the same principle as before.

  Tim Right.

  Michelle As in, the bit you wanna aim for –

  Tim Clitoris, right.

  Michelle And.

  Again.

  Gently.

  Take your time.

  Michelle gets into bed, underneath the duvet, removes her underwear and slides them out from the side of the bed.

  Tim Thanks.

  Again.

  This is really great.

  Not to mention –

  Michelle Tim.

  Tim goes under the duvet and begins attempting oral sex.

  Michelle’s face perhaps suggests to us that Tim’s attempts aren’t entirely successful.

  I think you can probably slow down a bit.

  Tim It’s pretty dark.

  Michelle What?

  Tim comes up from underneath the duvet:

  Tim It’s pretty dark.

  I mean it’s your room, your rules, that’s.

  Just saying though, ’s pretty difficult to.

  See. Much.

  Maybe if you could like.

  Michelle What?

  Tim I mean if you were maybe sort of able to give me a kind of.

  Like a hot or cold or something.

  Michelle What?

  Tim As in, if it’s good, you could say, ‘warm’.

  And if it’s –

  Michelle It’s not fucking charades, Tim.

  Tim I’m not saying –

  Michelle If you can’t see, that’s your problem, not mine.

  …

  Tim Do you have a torch?

  Michelle Tim.

  Tim Alright, alright, alright.

  Tim goes back underneath the duvet.

  Tim re-emerges from underneath the duvet.

  Tim reaches into his back pocket and takes out a box of matches.

  Michelle Tim.

  Tim takes a match from the box.

  Tim, seriously.

  Tim quickly goes back underneath the duvet.

  Tim strikes up a match.

  Michelle Tim.

  Tim Got it.

  Michelle Tim!

  Michelle moves away from Tim. He emerges from underneath the duvet.

  Tim What’s up?

  Michelle I think that’s.

  Tim Oh.

  Are you alright?

  Michelle (nods) Sometimes it just.

  Sometimes you can just sort of tell today’s not gonna be the day.

  Tim Oh.

  Was it something I was doing?

  Michelle …

  Tim Was it the match?

  Michelle …

  Tim Worked pretty well, you know.

  …

  Michelle Will you come here, please?

  Tim is hesitant.

  He moves towards Michelle.

  Will you pass me my underwear please?

  Tim does so.

  Michelle puts her underwear back on beneath the bedding.

  Michelle gets out of bed and hugs Tim.

  Tim is not quite sure how to respond.

  Michelle gently takes Tim’s arms and places them around her.

  Tim You alright?

  Michelle nods.

  You sure?

  Michelle Yeah.

  SIXTEEN

  Joy and Alan’s house, bedroom. Night.

  Alan, seated.

  Alan Okay, I’m ready.

  Enter Joy, dressed as a schoolgirl.

  Joy is very self-conscious.

  Joy Hello, sir.

  Alan?

  Joy Sir, I.

  I think I’ve been fairly naughty, sir.

  Alan Joy –

  Joy It’s very warm, sir, don’t you, don’t you agree?

  Sir, wouldn’t you agree?

  I might have to, I might have to take something off.

  Joy begins to remove her stockings.

  Joy, somewhat awkwardly, attempts to nonchalantly throw her stockings towards Alan.

  She begins unbuttoning her shirt.

  She wipes her brow.

  I’m sweating, sir.

  Joy ties her shirt in a bow just beneath her breasts.

  She attempts a kind of lap dance. It is, though, a little clumsy and unsure of itself.

  Alan Joy.

  Joy attempts to increase the pace of the lap dance.

  She begins unfastening Alan’s belt.

  Joy.

  She continues.

  Joy, stop.

  Joy reaches inside Alan’s trousers. Alan stands and moves away.

  Joy Is something the matter?

  Alan you didn’t have an erection, is something the matter?

  …

  Was it the talking?

  There was too much of it, wasn’t there?

  Alan It wasn’t the.

  Joy What, what is it, what’s the matter?

  Alan I feel incredibly self-conscious.

  As do you by the looks of things.

  You see, this was my worry about this whole idea. You can’t force these things, Joy.

  Joy …

  Alan You look ridiculous.

  It’s ridiculous, the whole idea.

  Joy I thought you said that this was what you wanted?

  Alan I know.

  Joy The see-through shirt –

  Alan I know.

  Joy My hair –

  Alan I know, I know, I did, I did.

  But.

  Joy Alan –

  Alan It’s about as erotic as a.

  Joy watches Alan.

  Why don’t we just get into bed?

  Joy Alan I’m sorry, but.

  I don’t really think we’ve given this evening enough of a chance.

  Alan ‘Enough of a chance’?

  Joy Yes.

  Alan You don’t think we’ve given this evening –

  Joy I don’t, no.

  Alan Joy: look at the state of you.

  I mean this really is just completely and utterly ridiculous.

  Joy I don’t understand?

  Alan You don’t understand?

  Joy Are you saying that the idea of trying to spend some time focusing on our –

  Alan I don’t think that we should have to draw up a plan, no.

  And we certainly shouldn’t have to set aside a fucking slot.

  It should simply be passionate. It should simply be exciting.

  Joy And if it isn’t?

  Alan What?

  Joy If it isn’t, you’re saying that that’s a problem then, are you?

  Alan I suppose I am.

  I suppose I am, you’re right.

  Joy Sex is something that you consider to be important?

  Alan Joy, I hardly think that that makes me some kind of a –

  Joy That wasn’t what I was saying.

  Alan, that really was not what I was saying.

  Alan Well, good.

  Because it is important.

  Of course it is.

  And I know it’s been difficult.

  I know it has.

  For both of us. Why don’t you go and get changed?

  It’s late.

  Joy watches Alan.

  Joy Alan.

  Alan.

  Alan Why don’t you go and get changed?

  Joy No.

  No.

  I will not, get.

  What is it that is wrong?

  Because I happen to, actually, I happen to think that I look, as a matter of fact, that I look.

  Am I not sexy, is that what it is?

  Alan No.

  Joy Too old.

  Alan What?

  Joy My age –

  Alan Joy, no, Christ, for God’s sake.

  You can’t.

  You can’t make me, feel.

  It hasn’t worked. End of story.

  I had an image in my mind, yes, I’ll admit that much.

  But this, no, this just. Th
is simply just is not it.

  Now, please, can we stop behaving like idiots and get into bed?

  Joy …

  SEVENTEEN

  Michelle’s bedroom. Early evening.

  Michelle and Tim.

  Tim So, I was sort of wondering.

  And I mean, say no.

  But.

  Well.

  I s’pose I’m sort of worried I might be a bit.

  Small.

  Michelle As in.

  Tim Yeah.

  As in.

  Michelle Tim –

  Tim I know it’s a bit of a cliché.

  But.

  I s’pose I was sort of thinking that maybe I could.

  That maybe I could sort of.

  Show you, and you could.

  Michelle Give you a mark out of ten?

  Tim I know it’s fucking stupid.

  But, basically, yeah.

  Michelle Tim, sex isn’t just about how big and how long.

  Tim Isn’t it?

  Michelle No.

  Tim What is it about then?

  Michelle All sorts of things.

  Tim Such as?

  Michelle …

  Tim I’m not saying I don’t agree with you.

  But.

  If you were with someone, and they were funny, and they were charming, but when you got into bed with them.

  Well if it was a fucking disaster, I mean wouldn’t. Wouldn’t you start to think, that, like, basically, basically that you’d made like a huge fucking mistake?

  Michelle I really wouldn’t.

  Tim Well.

  And I hope this doesn’t sound rude, but.

  You are definitely in the minority.

  There is a pressure to perform.

  To know what it is that you are doing.

  And let me tell you, it is almighty.

  Michelle Then why on earth would you want to be with that person?

  Tim What?

  Michelle If someone makes you feel that bad about yourself –

  Tim I didn’t say –

  Michelle You said ‘almighty’, Tim. That was what you said.

  Tim I s’pose I just meant that that’s how it feels, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that someone, one person in particular, is actually making you feel that.

  Michelle But you shouldn’t have to feel like that ever.

  Tim Really?

  Michelle What’s the point in even being with someone, if.

  Tim If what?

  Michelle It doesn’t matter.

  Tim No, go on, what, please.

  Michelle They don’t deserve you if that’s how they make you feel.

  …

  Tim Can I show you my penis, then?

  Michelle Knock yourself out.

  Tim unfastens his belt, pulls down his trousers, pulls down his boxer shorts, and shows Michelle his penis.

  He puts his penis away, pulls his trousers up and refastens his belt.

  Tim Any thoughts?

  Michelle It looks fine to me.

  Tim Fine?

  Michelle Yes.

  Fine.

  Tim Is fine ‘alright’, do you think?

  …

  Are you okay?

  Michelle, are you –

  Michelle I think maybe we might have to stop talking about sex for a bit.

  Tim watches Michelle.

  Tim Michelle, I’m sorry.

  I’m sorry.

  If all this is getting too weird, then you just have to say.

  I don’t want us to –

  You know.

  I’m really glad we’re.

  I mean I’m really glad we’re.

  Michelle …

  Tim You know.

  Close, and stuff.

  I mean it though.

  (A joke.) Do you wanna see my penis again, will that make you feel better?

  Michelle No thank you.

  Tim Sure?

  Michelle Think I’ll manage.

  Tim Well, if you change your mind.

  EIGHTEEN

  English Department office. Night.

  Alan.

  Enter Clare.

  Clare You wanted to see me?

  Alan Sorry?

  Clare I was told you wanted to see me.

  I was told I was in trouble.

  Alan What?

  Clare I’ve misbehaved.

  Alan Is this –

  Clare You’re not going to cane me, are you?

  Alan Cane you?

  Clare Because that might really hurt.

  It could leave a mark, couldn’t it?

  Alan …

  Clare Couldn’t it?

  Alan It could.

  Clare If you were to cane me, it might really hurt.

  Alan It could, yes.

  Clare You’re not going to cane me, are you?

  Alan I’m not, no.

  Clare What are you going to do to me?

  Alan I’m going to fuck you.

  Clare You’re going to what?

  Alan I’m going to fuck you.

  Clare Surely not?

  Alan I’m going to bend you over that table and I am going to, I am going to –

  Clare You’re going to what?

  Alan I’m going to explode all over you.

  Like a fucking, like a fucking galaxy.

  Alan kisses Clare.

  Like the big fucking bang.

  Alan kisses Clare.

  Alan and Clare continue to kiss one another.

  I’m a real rodeo rider – you didn’t know that, did you?

  Clare I didn’t, no.

  Alan I’m going to take you into the stables.

  Clare Goodness.

  Alan and Clare begin to pull at one another’s clothing.

  You’re going to get ridden, do you know that?

  Ridden so fucking hard.

  Clare hands a condom to Alan.

  Put this on.

  Alan What?

  Clare opens the condom and hands it to Alan.

  Clare removes her underwear whilst Alan puts on the condom.

  Alan and Clare begin to have sex.

  Alan Fuck.

  Clare Yeah?

  Alan Oh shit.

  Alan grabs Clare’s hair.

  Clare Ow.

  Alan Sorry, sorry.

  Fuck. Fuck.

  Clare Don’t stop.

  Alan I’m gonna come.

  Clare What?

  Alan I’m gonna come I’m gonna come.

  Clare What?!

  Alan comes, begins to slow down.

  Don’t stop, don’t stop.

  Alan has.

  Alan removes himself from Clare.

  He pulls up his trousers, Clare puts her underwear back on.

  Alan I’m sorry.

  Clare shakes her head.

  Clare, I’m sorry.

  Clare Don’t worry about it.

  Alan watches Clare.

  Said don’t worry about it.

  Alan watches Clare.

  Will you stop staring at me, please?

  Alan I’m late.

  Clare You’re what?

  Alan I’m supposed to be meeting Joy.

  My wife.

  I’m supposed to be meeting her at Pizza Express.

  Clare So?

  Alan I need you to leave.

  Clare does so.

  Alan steadies his breathing.

  NINETEEN

  Pizza Express. Night.

  Joy, seated.

  Enter Alan.

  Alan I’m sorry I’m late.

  Joy Oh, please, don’t apologise.

  I’m Joy, it’s lovely to meet you.

  Alan What?

  Joy I’ve heard so much about you.

  Alan Is.

  Is there something –

  Joy Why don’t you take off your coat?

  Must be boiling.

  Alan perhaps does so.

  He takes a seat opposite Joy.

  Hope yo
u don’t mind Pizza Express?

  Alan Joy –

  Joy I know it’s a bit predictable, but, given we hardly know one another, I thought it might be best to play it safe.

  Alan I don’t mind at all, no.

  Joy So you’re a teacher, Alan, is that right?

  Alan …

  Yes.

  Yes, I am, that’s right. I’m a teacher.

  Joy How wonderful.

  Would you like some wine, Alan?

  Alan I’m alright actually, thank you.

  Joy pours Alan a glass of wine.

  Joy So you’re a local boy, Alan, is that right?

  Alan Joy –

  Joy It’s a lovely area, that’s for sure.

  Do have a look at the menu, don’t let me distract you.

  I think I’m going to try the quattro formaggi.

  Have you ever been to Italy, Alan?

  Alan I have actually, yes.

  Joy How lovely.

  Was it recently?

  Alan No, my wife and I went to Florence for the weekend when we were in our early twenties.

  Joy I didn’t know you had a wife, Alan.

  Alan I do, yes.

  Joy How on earth does she feel about you coming on a blind date?

  Alan I don’t think she’d mind, actually.

  We’re having a few problems at the moment, to be honest with you, Joy.

  Joy …

  Alan In fact I think she’s hoping that the two of us might be able to go on some kind of imaginary blind date.

  Joy …

  Alan I know what you must be thinking, Joy, an imaginary blind date? That sounds like a fucking ridiculous idea.

  …

  Is this because I’m late?

  Joy?

  Joy shakes her head.

  It’s not?

  Joy No.

  Alan Then what on earth are you doing?

  Joy I’m trying to enjoy myself.

  I’m trying to have a nice evening.

  Alan But we can do that without having to play some kind of ridiculous –

  Joy Alright.

  Alright.

  You don’t have to keep using that word.

  Alan Is it the drink?

  Joy What?

  Alan You can tell me it’s the wine if you want.

  Joy No, Alan, it is not the wine.

  It is because you are my husband.

  It is because I am sick to my stomach with worry.

  I am sorry I have not been very forthcoming this past year.

  I really am.

  But.

  Alan What?

  Go on.

  Joy …

  Alan Say it, for Christ’s sake.

  Joy Sometimes, when I display the slightest sign of affection –

  Alan What?

  Joy I’m not saying all the time, but, sometimes, when I display the slightest sign of affection.

  Alan Go on.

  Joy Sometimes it can be nice just to.

  Just to kiss.

  Or just to.

  Touch.

  But.

  Often – and I’m not saying all of the time –