Love Me Like You Won't Let Go

by Toppen, Melissa

  “I feel like I owe it to him, B. I feel like it’s what he would want me to do. Did I tell you what he said to me before he died?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer before continuing, “He said – don’t wait for the right time to experience life. Live it every day. I think he’d want me to do this, to see the world, to explore all the places he never got to see.” He stops, his eyes sliding across my face. “I’m not leaving you, B. I just need to get out of Tomlin for a while. I need to clear my head and find a way to connect to my dad. There’s been this hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach ever since he died and nothing I do makes it better. I’m afraid if I stay here it might end up swallowing me whole.”

  I stare into his crisp blue eyes, emotion stinging the back of my throat as I try to process what he’s saying.

  “How long will you be gone?” I ask, my voice cracking at the end.

  “A couple months maybe. I just need some time. Not from you, but from this.” He gestures all around him. “I need to do it now while I still can.”

  I want to ask him why he can’t wait until next year when I graduate. Why he can’t stay here until I can go with him. But then the realization hits me – he doesn’t want me to go with him.

  “Okay.” I nod, fighting off the well of tears behind my eyes.

  “I feel like I’m suffocating.” He takes both of my hands in his, staring down at our connection for a long moment. “But I can’t go if it means I’m going to lose you.” He lets out a slow breath as his gaze comes back up to mine.

  “You’re not going to lose me,” I promise, unbuckling my seat belt so I can move closer to him. “You go do what you need to do, take the time you need, and when you come home I’ll be right here waiting for you.” I smile softly when he slides his hand across the side of my face and into my hair.

  “I love you so much.” He pulls me close, dropping his forehead to mine. “I honestly don’t know how I would get through any of this without you.”

  “I love you too.” I close my eyes in an effort to keep the tears at bay. It doesn’t do me any good. Seconds pass before I feel the first one slide down my cheek. Pulling away, I turn my face toward the window before wiping it away with the back of my hand.

  “I know this is hard for you,” Asher continues. “And I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry.” I turn my tear filled gaze to his. “Don’t ever apologize for doing what you feel like you need to do. I’m just going to miss you like crazy is all.” I sniff.

  “I’m going to miss you too.”

  “Do you have any idea where you’re going to go?”

  “Not really.” He shakes his head. “I think I’m going to go to California first. Swimming in the Pacific Ocean was one of the top things on the list. I think I might start there.”

  “Will you take pictures so I can see everything?”

  “Of course I will.” He gives me a soft smile, his features relaxing for the first time in days.

  “I don’t want you to go,” I admit. “But I understand why you need to. And I think you’re right. I think your dad would want this for you.”

  “I don’t know what I would do without you, B. I seriously don’t think I could deal with any of this without you. I know I’ve been in my head a lot recently and I’m sorry if you feel like I’m shutting you out. That’s never been my intention. This has just been a lot harder than I anticipated.”

  “I know.” I reach for his hand.

  “I knew I’d miss him, but I never imagined it would be this hard. I can barely look at myself in the mirror because every time I do, all I can think about is that the two people who brought me into this world are no longer a part of it. And I see them. I see both of them when I look at myself. And instead of making me feel better, it makes it so much worse. I know that probably doesn’t make any sense.”

  “It makes perfect sense.”

  “I don’t know.” He lets out a deep sigh. “I just think maybe it will be easier once I’m away from here.”

  “Probably.” I try to be supportive even though the thought of him leaving is tearing me up inside. “It will give you time to process everything that’s happened. It’s been a rough year and a half.”

  “It has. But you’ve been by my side every step of the way. I haven’t forgotten that.”

  “You would do the same for me.”

  “Always.” He leans forward, laying a light kiss to my lips. “Now, what do you say we see what this bad boy can really do?” He smiles, clearly finished with the conversation.

  It takes me a minute to realize he’s talking about the car.

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” I ask, sliding back into my seat before latching my seatbelt.

  “I’ve wanted to know what it felt like to really drive this car for years.” His gaze slides to me as he revs the engine. “If the last few weeks have taught us anything, it’s that there’s no time like the present.” With that, he pops the car into gear and floors the gas, the tires spinning through the gravel before finally propelling us forward.

  Chapter Twelve

  Blakely

  After a pretty slow day, I decide to close down the shop an hour early. I stayed out way too late with the girls last night and didn’t get enough sleep. As such I’ve been running on fumes most of the day.

  I know better than to drink as much as I did last night, especially when I have to work the next day, but given everything that’s been going on I needed the distraction. While I was hesitant to really open up about Asher, once I did I found that I felt a hundred pounds lighter. Of course the strong margaritas I kept downing like water didn’t hurt either.

  Making my way to the front door, I pause with my hand suspended toward the handle when I spot the light blue Roadrunner parked across the street. I’d know that car anywhere.

  My stomach twists and a nervous buzz runs through my body.

  I haven’t seen Asher since the morning in his hotel room a week ago, and while I’ve been thankful that he’s respected my wishes and kept his distance, a part of me can’t ignore the disappointment that’s accompanied it as well.

  I feel guilty that the sight of his dad’s old car makes my heart pick up speed, but I can’t help it. I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to deny that Asher’s return has had any effect on me. The truth is, him coming back has caused my entire world to shift on its axis, no matter how many times I try to claim otherwise.

  Taking a deep breath, I push open the door, turning to lock the deadbolt. Sliding my purse onto my shoulder, I pivot, making it all of two steps before I hear him.

  “B.”

  I slow my stride, trying to decide if I should turn around or keep walking and hope he goes away.

  “Blakely, hold up,” he yells, jogging up to me.

  “Asher.” I give him a tight nod, taking in his handsome face in one quick sweep before turning my attention forward. My feet somehow continue to pad along the pavement even though my legs suddenly feel like they’re made of Jell-O.

  “I was getting ready to come say hello. I didn’t realize you close this early.” He matches my pace easily.

  “Slow day.” I fight to keep my gaze forward.

  “I’ve been meaning to come see you. After last weekend I thought maybe I should give you some time. I want to apologize again. I haven’t drank that way in a really long time. I guess it’s just being back here...” He trails off. “Anyway, I stopped by Carl’s and picked up the old Plymouth. I was hoping maybe we could take a ride.”

  “I’ll pass. But thanks.” I’m determined to keep moving, afraid that if I stop and look at him for even a split second I’ll lose my resolve.

  I know we need to talk. I know there are a lot of things that need to be said, and I can’t put it off forever, but I feel weak today, unsure of myself, and that’s not how I want to feel when facing off with the most painful memory I have.

  “Come on, B.” Asher’s fingers wrap around my forearm, pulling me to a stop.

 
I look down at his hand, not able to ignore the way my skin heats under his touch.

  “Just a quick drive.” He pleads when my eyes move to his face.

  “Asher.” I sigh, feeling more defeated than I have in days.

  “Please.”

  “I really shouldn’t.”

  “Just for a few minutes. For old time’s sake.”

  I take in the blue of his eyes, having almost forgotten about the small specks of green that pepper them. God, how many times did I look into these eyes and see my future? How many times did I lose myself in them? How many times did I dream about them after he left?

  I falter and the tough exterior I’ve fought to keep in place crumbles slightly.

  “My parents are expecting me for dinner later,” I say truthfully, hoping that will be enough of an excuse for him to let me walk away unscathed.

  “But not until later,” he points out, releasing my arm. “Come on.” He nods back toward the car. “This is the first time I’ve taken it out in over six years. It doesn’t feel right without you.”

  My resolve melts a little more.

  Why does he have to be so handsome? Why does he have to look at me the way he’s looking at me right now? Why can’t I shut off the way he makes me feel? It’s been six years, yet I swear that when he smiles at me it feels like no time has passed. My body still reacts to him the same way it always has.

  “Just a quick drive?” I question, saying the exact opposite of what I mean to.

  “Cross my heart.” He grins, taking my hand as he tugs me across the street, toward his dad’s old car.

  “Just to be clear, this doesn’t change anything,” I tell him, pausing at the passenger door.

  “Just shut up and get in the car, B.” He chuckles, yanking open the door. He waits until I’m settled in the seat before closing the door and crossing around to the driver’s side.

  “It still smells the same,” I observe aloud as Asher climbs into the driver’s seat.

  “It does,” he agrees, firing the engine to life. “Carl said he’d start it every few weeks and take it around the block, but other than that it hasn’t been driven.”

  “I can’t believe he kept it for you this whole time.” I buckle my seat belt, knotting my hands nervously in my lap as Asher pops the car into drive and pulls away from the curb.

  “I paid him to store it for me. He was more than happy to do it. You know him and Dad were friends for years.”

  “I remember,” I say softly, keeping my eyes trained out the window.

  “So how was your night out with the girls last night?” he asks, drawing my gaze to him.

  “How did you know I was out with the girls?” I question.

  “Mary may have slipped up and told me this morning on my way out. She looked pretty rough. I’m guessing you girls were out pretty late.”

  “Too late,” I agree, turning my face back toward the window.

  “I think it’s amazing that you three are still so close.”

  “I don’t know where I’d be without them,” I admit.

  “How’s Allie? I’m honestly surprised she hasn’t shown up to give me a piece of her mind yet.” I turn toward him just in time to see a small smile grace his face.

  “Don’t get too excited. I’m sure it’s coming,” I tell him, unable to fight the way the side of my mouth hitches upward.

  “Same old Allie, huh?”

  “Hasn’t changed a bit,” I confirm.

  “From what I gather, neither has Mary. Still as sweet as they come.”

  “Don’t let that soft side fool you,” I warn. “She may be sweet, but she’s also got a temper on her.”

  “I remember,” he says, more to himself than to me.

  I give him a questioning look which prompts him to explain. “Pat’s party during my senior year. John Lawson grabbed your ass when I was in the bathroom.”

  “I had forgotten all about that,” I admit, smiling at the memory.

  “By the time I came out she had John backed into a wall, her finger in his face.”

  “She’s very protective of the people she cares about.”

  “She is,” he agrees, nodding his head. “I have to admit, she’s been a lot easier on me than I deserve.”

  “That’s because despite everything, she cares about you too,” I tell him, shifting nervously in my seat.

  “I guess that makes one person,” he mutters under his breath.

  I open my mouth to respond, but snap it closed, deciding no comment is better than what would likely come out of my mouth if I were to speak.

  “So, you’ve got me in the car. I’m guessing you didn’t suggest we take a ride so you could talk about Mary the whole time.”

  “Well, you’ve got me there.” He grins, causing the small hairs on the back of my neck to stand.

  “So, talk,” I prompt after he fails to say anything for nearly a full minute.

  “What do you say we don’t talk?” he suggests, glancing in my direction before turning his gaze back toward the road.

  “Huh?” I question, not following.

  “I don’t want to talk, B. Not right now. I just want to enjoy being with you for as long as I can before the inevitable happens.”

  “And what’s the inevitable?” I arch a brow at him.

  “You telling me goodbye.” He gives me a sad smile and I swear my heart does a full flip inside my chest.

  “I hate to break it to you, Asher, but I said goodbye to you six years ago.”

  “But six years ago I thought it was a temporary goodbye. This time it feels more final.”

  “Maybe you should have thought about that before you stayed gone for so long,” I clip, unable to stop myself.

  “That’s fair.” He relaxes back into his seat and reaches for my hand.

  I don’t even process the movement until his fingers wrap firmly around mine, at which point I don’t know if I should pull away or enjoy the feel of his touch one last time.

  “For what it’s worth, I thought about you every single day,” he says, his thumb sweeping across the back of my hand.

  “And yet you still stayed gone for six years.” I snap out of my Asher induced fog long enough to pull my hand away. “Guess I didn’t mean that much to you after all.” I cross my arms in front of myself and turn my head, noticing that we’ve driven several miles outside of town and are on a long stretch of open road, fields on either side of us.

  “That’s not true. You meant everything to me. You still do. Why do you think I came back? There’s nothing left for me in Tomlin. I have no home, no family, and yet this is the only place I want to be. Why do you think that is?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know.” I shrug, keeping my gaze turned away from him.

  “Because I love you, Blakely. I love you more now than the day I left.” His words slam into me like a thousand pound weight, knocking all the air out of my body.

  “Somehow I doubt that.” My throat tightens as my emotions start to get the best of me. “Six years is a long time.”

  “So you’re saying you don’t love me anymore?” he questions and even though I want to look at him, I know the minute I do the truth will come pouring out of me and that’s the last thing I want.

  “A part of me will always care about you, Asher.”

  “Now that’s a cop out if I’ve ever heard one.”

  “What do you want me to say?” My frustration wins out and I find myself turning toward him.

  “Tell me the truth.”

  “I am telling you the truth,” I argue.

  “Bullshit.” He abruptly pulls the car off the side of the road, the wheels bumping and bouncing on the uneven surface. He slams the breaks and jams the car in park the minute we come to a complete stop.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I grip my chest, the sudden movement startling me.

  “Well, I was trying to have a nice drive, but since you’re insisting we do this now, then we’re going to do it now. And damn it, B, yo
u’re going to listen to what I have to say.”

  “And why the hell should I do that?”

  “Because no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you don’t love me anymore, I know you do. I can see it written all over your face. Six years may be a long time, but it’s not long enough to erase all the years I spent with you before that. You love me and it terrifies you. Because you tried to bury me. You tried to move on and now you’re trying to replace me with a man who will never make you as happy as I could make you.”

  “You don’t know anything.” My voice rises as my temper flares.

  “I know more than you give me credit for,” he challenges. “He will never be able to love you the way I do.”

  “You know what? Screw you, Asher.” I throw the door open, unlatching my seatbelt with so much force the metal clasp hits the dash in my attempt to flee.

  “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Asher is out of the car and chasing after me before I’ve managed to make it more than a few short steps.

  “I’m going away from you,” I say, spinning around when his hand lands on my shoulder.

  “Just be honest with me. Tell me how you feel. Scream at me, cuss at me, do anything but this. I can’t handle this.” He throws his arms up in defeat.

  “You wanna know how I feel?” I shove violently at his chest, knocking him backward a couple feet. “I hate you!” I scream. “You were my best friend. You were my everything.” Tears blur my vision. “You promised you’d call.” I shove him again. “You promised you’d come back.” I shove him even harder. “You lied,” I scream, pounding my fists into his chest. “You lied! And I hate you for it. I hate you for leaving and I hate you even more for coming back.”

  He catches both of my wrists in his hands and tugs me to his chest. Before I can resist, both of his arms are around me, and no matter how hard I fight, I can’t seem to shake them off. Eventually I stop trying altogether. All the fight leaves my body and I collapse into his embrace.

  Tears sting my eyes before falling down my cheeks, soaking into the thin material of Asher’s t-shirt. His grip on me tightens.

  “I’m so fucking sorry, B. I never meant to hurt you. That’s the last thing I wanted. But coming home to you wouldn’t have been fair. I wasn’t ready. You have to understand that this was never about you. I was so messed up after I lost Dad. It took me a really long time to sort through that. But I never stopped loving you. I never stopped thinking about you. I missed you every single day that I was gone.”