Love Me Like You Won't Let Go

by Toppen, Melissa

  “Any of this. It’s not fair to you or me and it’s especially not fair to Tyler.”

  “B, you’re tired and hurt. It’s been a long twenty-four hours. Don’t make any rash decisions until you can really think them through.”

  “This isn’t a rash decision. This is something I’ve known all along. We aren’t capable of just being friends, Asher. You know that as well as I do. We’re pretending. Kidding ourselves into believing something that isn’t true. The truth is, I’ve been so desperate not to lose you again that I’ve lost sight of what I built in your absence. I won’t throw away my relationship with Tyler over something that could never work.”

  “Who says it can’t work?”

  “You know it can’t.”

  “I can’t lose you, B.”

  “And I can’t be around you. I just can’t.” I stop myself from telling him that it’s too difficult to be around him. That over the last couple of weeks I’ve realized just how much I still love him and being around him makes me feel like I’m suffocating.

  “I’m not going to walk away,” he tells me, matter of fact.

  “I’m getting married in less than two weeks.”

  “Then I have two weeks to change your mind.”

  “I’m not going to change my mind.”

  “We’ll see about that.” A trace of a smile forms on his lips and damn if it doesn’t make my insides twirl with excitement.

  How does he do that?

  “Tyler will be back any minute. You need to go,” I tell him, gesturing toward the door.

  “Fine. I’ll go. But I meant what I said, B. I’m not giving up on you. Not now. Not ever.” With that, he presses a kiss to my temple and quickly exits the room. Stopping in the doorway, he gives me one last look over his shoulder before disappearing into the hallway, leaving me even more exhausted – physically and emotionally – than I was before.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Blakely

  It’s been four days since the accident. Four of the longest days of my life. I hate being cooped up inside, and despite my insistence that I’m fine, Tyler refuses to let me lift a finger. He’s also avoided the topic of all things Asher, which has only added to my anxiety. I need him to talk about it, yell at me, tell me how angry he is at me. This pretending that everything is perfect when it isn’t is driving me mad.

  Which is why I’ve decided were going to hash this out one way or another.

  “Hey.” I peek my head into Tyler’s home office to find him sitting behind the desk, his laptop open in front of him. He’s been working from home since I was released from the hospital, and while I know it’s because he’s worried about me, a part of me feels like there’s definitely more to it.

  “Hey.” He smiles, closing his laptop when I enter his office. “Did you need something?”

  “Actually, I was hoping we could talk.”

  “Okay.” He eyes me hesitantly. “About what?”

  “Asher.” I say his name on a quick breath, not missing the way Tyler’s features instantly sour.

  “I already told you, I don’t want to talk about him.” He pushes to a stand and quickly brushes past me into the hallway.

  “I know you don’t want to, but we need to. I need a chance to explain why I was with him that day.”

  “I already know why you were with him. He guilted you into going to the beach by feeding you some bullshit about how he wanted to rebuild your friendship,” he clips, making his way into the kitchen.

  “That’s not what happened. He didn’t guilt me. I chose to go with him. And I also chose not to tell you, which was wrong. I know that.”

  “I really don’t want to do this with you right now, Blakely.” He grabs a sparkling water from the refrigerator before turning back toward me, pressing his back to the counter as he twists off the cap.

  “You’re angry.”

  “Of course I’m angry.”

  “Then be angry. Yell at me. Tell me what an awful person I am. I deserve it.”

  “I’m not going to do that.”

  “Why?” My voice echoes through the room, frustration clear in my tone.

  “Because I don’t want to give you another reason to go running back to him!” he explodes, slamming his water onto the counter so hard that some of the liquid splashes out.

  “So that’s why you’ve been tiptoeing around me for days? Because you think if you get mad at me I’ll go running to him?” I question like it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard.

  “That’s exactly what I think.”

  “Tyler, I love you. Nothing is going to change that. Not Asher being back in town. Not you being angry or yelling at me. I. Love. You.”

  “But maybe you love him more.” He barely meets my gaze as he says it.

  “Ty.” I step closer to him but still keep a little distance between us. “Do I have a past with Asher? Yes. Do I still care about him? Of course I do. But you are the man I promised to marry. You are the man I want to spend my life with.”

  “I thought I knew that.” He lets out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his light brown hair.

  “I shouldn’t have lied to you about Asher. I should have been honest with you from the very beginning. But I was scared. I was scared you wouldn’t understand or that it would drive a wedge between us. I was scared because I didn’t want to lose you.”

  “And yet you still did it. So what does that say about our relationship?”

  I ignore the sting from his words. Just because they hurt doesn’t mean they aren’t true.

  “And it wasn’t just once, was it? The beach wasn’t the first time you were alone with Asher and chose to keep it from me, was it?”

  “No,” I admit truthfully. “But nothing happened, I swear. I would never hurt you like that.”

  “So it wasn’t because you didn’t want to. It was because you couldn’t hurt me like that.”

  “What? No. That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “Then what are you saying, exactly? Because I have to be honest, Blakely, you’re saying a whole bunch of nothing.”

  “When Asher first came back to town, I’ll admit, I was thrown. It brought up a lot of old feelings and I wasn’t quite sure how to process them. But not once, not for one second did it lessen how I feel about you. It’s not you and Asher. There’s you and then there’s Asher. The two are completely separate. Asher is my childhood best friend. So much of my past is tied to him. To be honest, I’m still working through how I feel about him being back. But you, you are my constant. You are my future. And in eight days, you will be my husband. Not Asher. You.” I pause, considering my next words carefully. “But just because I have you, doesn’t magically erase him. I needed to find a way to make peace with it all. To finally forgive him and move on.”

  “I thought you had moved on. Or is that just what you’ve been leading me to believe this whole time?” he cuts in.

  “No. I have moved on, but emotionally there are still some things I need to deal with. It’s not like I can just say, ‘okay, I’ve moved on,’ and all of a sudden all of those feelings magically disappear. You have to remember that Asher was my friend first. My best friend. I didn’t just lose my boyfriend the day he left. I lost my friend too. And my friend was more important to me than anything else that he was. Maybe I was foolish to think we could be friends again, but I wanted to be. I wanted to keep him in my life. I wanted my friend back,” I say, realizing just how true the statement is.

  That’s not to say that I never wanted more or think about what more could be like with Asher, even now. But at the end of the day, I think I was terrified to not have him in my life at all. Even though deep down I knew it would be easier not to.

  “Then why not tell me that? Why not be up front with me about the whole thing?”

  “Because I didn’t think you’d understand.”

  “So you didn’t even give me a chance? How is that fair?”

  “It’s not. Not one thing about this has
been fair to you. Which is why I’m trying to be honest now. I don’t want this wedge between us.”

  “Do you still love him?” His question catches me off guard and I answer too quickly.

  “No, of course not,” I stutter out the lie.

  “Now see, this is where I have the problem. If you can’t admit to me how you really feel, how are we supposed to move forward?”

  “It’s a complicated question.”

  “It’s pretty simple, actually. Do you still love him or do you not?”

  “A part of me will always love him, but I’m not in love with him.” Even though the sinking feeling in my gut tells me I know otherwise, I try to make myself believe that.

  “How do I know if I can believe you?”

  “Because it’s the truth. I love you. I want to marry you.” I step closer, resting my uninjured hand on his chest. “I’m sorry I kept this from you. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you to trust me. I won’t make that mistake again.”

  “I don’t want you seeing him anymore. If you had come to me first, maybe, but now I just can’t. You may not see it, but that man still loves you. And maybe I’m an idiot for telling you that, but you need to know it. He has no interest in being your friend. He wants you back. He made that pretty clear at the hospital.”

  “Tyler, I...”

  “This isn’t negotiable, Blakely. If you love me, if you meant what you said, you’ll cut him out of your life. For good this time. He’s a poison.”

  “If he stays in town, cutting him out of my life completely is impossible. He’s still in touch with my parents. He’s friends with my friends. Avoiding him or pretending like he doesn’t exist won’t work.”

  “Then what do you suggest?”

  “Let me talk to him.”

  “So he can brainwash you into believing the next set of lies that spew from his mouth? No.” He shakes his head.

  “Give me more credit than that. Let me talk to him. Asher’s not as bad as you think. I’ll tell him that we can be friendly. That if I see him at the store I expect him to say hello and I’ll do the same, but that being friends is out of the question. There’s just too much past there. I can see that now.”

  “So you’ll end it?”

  “I will.” I nod.

  He thinks on that for a long moment, his brown eyes locked on mine.

  “Okay.” He finally exhales. “Talk to him. But once you do, it’s done.”

  “Yes,” I confirm, pressing up on my tip toes to lay a light kiss to his mouth. “I’m sorry.” I pull back just enough to meet his gaze.

  “Me too.” His arms wrap around my waist and he pulls me close, careful not to squeeze me too hard.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  “But I do. I shouldn’t have let this fester. We should have talked about it sooner. I’m just scared of losing you. Like you said, you guys share so much history. How am I supposed to compete with that?”

  “You don’t have to. I’m here. I’m yours.” I slide my hand around his neck, resting my casted arm on his shoulder.

  “Promise me this is the end of this.”

  “I promise.” Guilt knocks against my chest like a fist pounding on a door.

  It’s like my body knows that even though I mean the promise with every fiber of my being, it’s not always so easy. If I thought saying goodbye to Asher the first time was hard, what I’m about to do may prove downright impossible. Because the last time I knew I didn’t have a choice. There’s something to be said for not being in control. But this time it’s me. I’m the one walking away. I’m the one choosing to let Asher go. And while I know I have to, deep down I’m not sure if I have it in me to see it through.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Asher

  “So you’re actually going through with it?” Mary whispers next to me as I review the purchase contract for Ray’s Bar and Grill.

  “Yep.” I nod, scribbling my name on the bottom of the first page before flipping to the second.

  “You don’t think maybe you should take some more time to think about it?”

  “You mean wait until I hear from Blakely?” I glance in her direction from the corner of my eye. “I already told you, Mary, I’m staying no matter what.”

  “But this is a big step.”

  “And one that I’ve thought long and hard about. It’s time I settle somewhere, put down roots. Build a life for myself. I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather do that.”

  “Owning a business is a big under taking.”

  “It is. But it’ll be a few weeks before the sale goes through. I’ll have time to get things in order. Not to mention I plan to give the place a complete overhaul. It’ll be months before it’s operational. By then hopefully I’ll have an experienced manager lined up that can do most of the leg work.”

  “You’ve got it all worked out.”

  “I do.” I nod, flipping to the next page.

  “So remind me again why I’m here?” She cocks a brow at me.

  “Moral support.” I grin, keeping my eyes focused on the papers in front of me.

  “Uh huh.” She nods, skeptical. “You sure it doesn’t have something to do with the fact that Blakely hasn’t been answering your calls?”

  “How do you know that?” I ask, not the least bit surprised that she does.

  “If you called me here to get information on my best friend, it’s not going to happen.”

  “I wouldn’t mind knowing how she’s doing,” I admit.

  “And there it is.” She lightly smacks the table.

  “There what is?” I chuckle.

  “There.” She gestures directly at me. “You did just ask me here to talk about Blakely.”

  “I didn’t.” I shake my head. “Believe it or not, you’ve rather grown on me.” I smile. “But I am worried about her.”

  “I know you are.” She falls serious. “Would it help if I told you she’s doing well? Her injuries are healing nicely and she feels better every day.”

  “I thought you weren’t going to tell me anything,” I tease.

  “Well, what can I say? I guess you’ve grown on me too.” She rolls her eyes when my smile widens.

  “Did she say when she’s going back to work?”

  “Tomorrow, I think. Her mom’s been running the shop while she rests at home.”

  “Yeah, I’ve stopped in and seen Leslie a couple times.”

  “Hoping B would be there no doubt?”

  “Maybe a little,” I admit, shrugging.

  I play it off like it’s all fun, but in reality I’ve been so worried about Blakely that I’ve barely been able to do anything else. My appetite is nowhere to be found. I can’t sleep for shit. And doing anything to try to keep myself busy ends up being a complete waste of time. I need to see her.

  “So what’s your plan? Buy the bar and grill and then what?”

  “I haven’t really thought about it beyond that,” I admit truthfully.

  “The wedding is next weekend.”

  “I’m aware.” I scribble my name on the last document, then return the stack of papers to their original order before sliding them back into the manila folder.

  “I know you have a plan.”

  “No plan.”

  “So you’re just going to wait around and hope she picks you? That doesn’t sound like you.”

  “I didn’t say I was just going to wait around. I simply said I didn’t have a plan. I’m more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person.”

  “So you are going to do something then?”

  “I’m sure as hell going to try.” I pause when she gives me a look. “I take it you don’t approve?”

  “It’s not that. I just hope you’re prepared.”

  “For what?”

  “For her to choose Tyler.”

  “Why are you so sure she will?”

  “This is Blakely we’re talking about. The girl who can’t stand to hurt a fly. Do you really think she has it in her to
break Tyler’s heart? Even if she wants you, she’d never do that to him. Deep down I think you already know that.”

  “Which is why I have to convince her to put her own happiness first.”

  “And if she still wants him?”

  “Then I guess I’ll have to find a way to live with that.”

  “And do you think you can do that?”

  “Nope,” I answer honestly and we both chuckle.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She shakes her head, standing at the same time I do.

  “I’m going to let Jason know these are done,” I say, the manila envelope in my hand. “Wanna go grab a bite to eat?”

  “Sure.” She nods. “But you’re buying.”

  ——

  I’ve just made it back to my hotel room after having dinner with Mary when my cell buzzes to life in my pocket. Dropping my keys and wallet on the small table next to the window, I dig my phone out of my back pocket. My adrenaline surges when I see Blakely’s name flashing across the screen.

  “B.” I quickly answer.

  “Hey.” Her voice is soft.

  “Hey.”

  “Are you at the motel?”

  “Just got here.”

  “I’ll be there in five.”

  “Wait, what?” I blurt, surprised.

  “I’m coming over. Is that okay?”

  “Yeah. Yeah. Of course. I’ll be here.”

  “Okay, see you in a few,” she says, ending the call before I can say anything else.

  Nervous energy builds in my chest and I begin to pace the small room. I’m not sure if her coming here is a good or bad thing. She hasn’t been here since the night she had to clear me out of the bar. Hell, I was so drunk that night I didn’t even realize she was here until the next morning.

  I silently curse myself.

  I’ve made a hell of a mess out of things. First, by leaving. Then, by everything I’ve done since coming back. I try to act like I’ve got it all together, that Blakely coming back to me is inevitable, but the truth is that’s my way of dealing with the very real possibility that she won’t. And how could I expect her to? It was me that left. Me who ruined the only good thing I had left in my life.