by K. A. Berg
“My dad left my mom when he found she was pregnant with me—left her high and dry to fend for herself. We were poor, dude, and by poor, I mean dirt poor. My mama’s family disowned her and wouldn’t help. We lived in a tiny one-bedroom apartment in a building that should have probably been condemned. I got all the love I could ever need from that woman, but I know she had it super rough. She could’ve taken the easy way and got rid of me, but she didn’t, and I have all the love and respect in the world for her. First thing I did when I made it big was buy her a huge mansion because she deserves the world for everything she did. Know what I would give my dad if I ever saw him?”
I look up from the label I’ve been peeling off of my now-empty beer bottle and shake my head.
“Not a second glance. I’d tell him to fuck off and keep it moving. Want that to happen to you someday when you decide you made a mistake? If you think there’s even a chance this kid is yours, you need to step up now. There ain’t no going back. I had a shitty childhood—barely enough food to fill my stomach, holes in my clothes, and sneakers that never fit right because my mama couldn’t afford to buy ones that would fit my big-ass feet. Do you really want your kid to go through things like that? I’m not saying that’s how it’ll be, but you never know, dude. What did this kid do to you? And FYI, your baby mama didn’t wind up knocked up all by herself. Why should she have to deal with the results alone? Pretty shitty, if you ask me. There ain’t nothing worse than listening to your mama cry herself to sleep every night—after she finished working her second shift of the day at the shithole diner down the road.” With those words and another clap on the back, he’s gone.
After that encounter, I need to clear my head. Between Alex and Kelvin, I’m all fucked up now, and I know I have to get out of here to figure out what’s going on. I toss my beer bottle in the trash and follow the same path Alex did over to Malcolm and his family. I say goodbye and thank them for inviting me. I can’t get to my Rover fast enough. All of a sudden, I don’t feel well. I’m starting to sweat, and I feel my heart rate starting to pick up. Once I’ve hopped into my car, I pull out of the parking lot as fast as I can. My thoughts are all jumbled. Maybe Alex is right, and I am a total asshole. Fuck, fuck, fuck…
The sun is just starting to set when I finally pull to a stop. I don’t remember deciding to drive to my parents’ place or how I wound up here. I stare up of the house that holds many fond memories for me. This home was filled with a lot of love when I was growing up. Like a reel projecting in my head, all of my childhood memories flash through my mind: my dad tossing the football around with me in the front yard, my sisters and I running around playing tag, falling on the sidewalk and skinning my knees when I learned to ride my bike. I remember my dad telling me it was okay to not get it right the first time but to never give up. My parents have always been there for me. No matter what. I’d known I could always count on them. If I were ever to be a father, I would want my child to feel the same sense of security I had growing up.
Thoughts swirl around so fast in my head I can’t make sense of them. I don’t know what I think anymore. Old habits die hard, and I’m used to people always trying to use me, it was my first assumption. It’s not as though this is the first time I’ve found myself in this situation. Why couldn’t Ashley have just told me what had happened when it happened? I don’t understand her logic… And Google? What sane person follows medical advice from the Internet? Her choices still don’t make sense to me, and they make me suspicious. I can’t make heads or tails of anything right now, I’m pretty sure my subconscious has driven me here for a reason, even if I’m not sure what it is. Regardless, I’m not ready to talk about this with my parents yet, so I drive home, resolving to sleep on things
“Sammy, please go slow. Watch where you’re running,” a very familiar voice says behind me.
I turn toward it just as a little body slams into my legs, making me stumble.
“Sammy, be careful. I told you to slow down. I’m sorry, sir.” The woman pulls her eyes from the little boy who’s trying to right himself at my feet and looks at me.
I’m frozen as I stare into the blue eyes I could never forget.
“Ashley.” I gasp.
“Tanner.”
There’s a slight tug on the leg of my pants, and I look down to see a smaller version of myself. It feels as if I’m looking at myself twenty-five years younger.
“S’cuse me. Are you my daddy?”
“Sammy, come on. Let’s go. Let’s leave this man alone.” She scrambles to grab the child’s arm, but I’m faster.
“Yes, I believe I am.”
“If you’re my daddy, why didn’t you want me? My mommy says I don’t have a daddy like everyone else because he didn’t want me. Why didn’t you want me? Why don’t you love me like the other daddies?”
I stand there, feeling as though someone has just ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. I can’t formulate an answer for this beautiful little boy because I don’t have one that will ever be good enough.
I look at Ashley and see tears streaming down her face.
“Let’s go, sweetheart. This man isn’t your daddy. You don’t have a daddy, but don’t worry. Mommy loves you enough for both a mommy and a daddy.”
And just like that, they disappear.
I wake up from my nightmare covered in sweat, shaking violently. I need to fix this. I need to get to Ashley. I can’t have that dream become my reality.
Chapter Four
Tanner
I look around as I try to catch my breath. It was a fucking dream. I keep telling myself that, hoping my heart will slow down. Drenched in sweat, I go to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I need to pull my shit together.
I check my phone and see I’ve missed a call from Davis. The Mathis Foundation wants to have a conference call to discuss my possible involvement. Davis says I’m the guy they really want, but they also have two other choices. They want to speak with all of us this weekend, and since today’s Saturday, they want to speak with me this morning rather than disturb my prep for tomorrow’s game.
My nerves take over as the phone rings but I’m not sure why I was ever worried about being passed over. The feeling vanishes as soon as we start discussing the ideas I’d had for when I’d been thinking about starting up my own foundation. I tell the board about my plan to give video game systems to the local group homes, and they eat it up. They even offer to have the foundation match my donations with items to go along with the gifts, such as controllers and games. By the end of our phone call—which may have been a meeting more than an interview, I’m not really sure—it’s obvious I’m all for hopping aboard and being the front man for the foundation, and they are equally eager to have me.
Thinking about being the next Tony Mathis is enough to distract me from the jumbled mess of things in my head—until I get to practice. Saturday practices are always easy and laid back, more like hanging out and tossing around the football than work, and I find myself wishing Coach had come up with some new plays or something for me to memorize—anything to distract me from my thoughts of Ashley. I guess the only way I’m going to work through this mess is to talk to the only people in the world who will tell me the truth and still have my back: my parents.
After practice, I find myself in their driveway once more, sitting in my car, reminiscing about childhood memories again before getting out and heading up the porch stairs. When I reach the top, Ma appears in the doorway.
“I was wondering how long you were going to sit out here in the car, honey.”
“Hey, Ma, how are you?” I ask, hugging her tightly.
“I’m doing well. Better than you, it seems.” She grabs my face and makes me look her in the eye.
“I’m fine, Ma. I’ve got news to tell you and Dad, some good and some not so good.”
“Come in. I’ll put on the tea kettle.”
I follow her in, closing the front door behind me.
“Andrew,
Tanner is here,” my mom calls out to my dad, who’s most likely back in the family room watching television.
Sure enough, Dad appears in the doorway of the family room a moment later before coming into the kitchen to greet me. “Hey, Son,” he says, giving me a hug. “What brings you here this evening?”
“He needs to talk, dear,” Ma answers, turning on the stove. She still thinks tea fixes everything.
Dad sits down at the table motioning for me to do the same. “What’s going on?”
“I got the idea to start my own foundation for underprivileged kids, and I contacted Davis about it. After working his magic, he found out the Tony Mathis Foundation is looking for a new spokesman and would love to have me. I spoke with the board this morning about everything, and we came to an agreement I’m comfortable with and I’ll be accepting. They’re working on the contract and whatnot with Davis now, but you’re looking at the new face of Mathis,” I tell them with a smile on my face.
“That’s fantastic, honey.” Ma beams at me.
“Yes, that’s quite a role. They couldn’t have found a better person,” Dad says with a smile on his face radiating pride. Let’s hope it’s still there in a few minutes.
“That’s not the only thing wanted to talk to you about though,” I tell them.
“Okay, what else is going on?” Dad asks.
“Honestly, I think I screwed up something big… My mind is all over the place right now. I don’t know what to believe, and I can’t think straight anymore.”
“Why don’t you start from the beginning, dear?” Ma suggests.
I start with, “Ashley says she’s pregnant.” Where else is there to really begin?
Ma gasps. “Oh my.”
“Okay,” comes from Dad.
I look back and forth between them because I don’t know what to say next. How do you explain a situation you don’t understand yourself?
“You said you think you messed things up. What does that mean?” Dad asks.
I take a deep breath and tell the rest of the story, “I kind of flipped out on her. I told her she was just like everyone else who thought they’d found their golden ticket in me. I said I didn’t want any part of her lies and I didn’t believe her.”
“YOU DID WHAT?” Ma yells at me from across the table while my father looks away from me, shaking his head.
“When I asked her how it could be possible when she was wearing the birth control patch, she said the patch had gotten stuck to her sheets somehow. She Googled what to do and read on the Internet she should just put on a new one and start over or something. It sounds bogus!” I run my hands through my hair in frustration. “I told her she was an idiot for not calling a doctor. The whole thing sounded like a trap to me, and I told her I wanted a paternity test and she wasn’t getting any money from me until she proved it was mine. You know this isn’t the first time someone’s tried this shit with me. My gut said she’s lying. With Carrie throwing me the same lines right after the draft, Ashley just happening to get pregnant during the best season we’ve had in the last decade, it felt like a trap.”
“Tanner Andrew Garrison, I never thought you could ever do anything that would make me ashamed of you, but you’ve just proved me wrong. Who are you, and what have you done with my son? The boy we raised would never have treated a woman with such disrespect. I cannot believe you said that to her.” She shakes her head at me, her eyes filled with disappointment. “Carrie and Ashley are not the same person. Ashley is your girlfriend, not some random chick you picked up on a night out. Do you have any idea how scary it is to be pregnant? Never mind getting pregnant on accident and being left behind like a piece of trash by the man who helped get you in that situation… No birth control is foolproof, Tanner, and she definitely didn’t end up this way on her own.”
I avert my eyes in embarrassment, unable to handle my mother’s scolding head-on.
“You know I love you, but right now, I can’t even stand the sight of you. I’m so disappointed. Excuse me,” she says, leaving the table in tears. I can’t help but get teary-eyed myself. My mother has never, in my twenty-eight years, looked at me like this. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the look of disgust in her eyes or the fact I put it there.
“I really fucked up, huh?” I ask my father while looking down at my hands. I don’t think I can handle seeing the same look of revulsion in his eyes.
“Tanner, look at me,” my father says sternly.
I look up, expecting the worst, but I don’t find disgust in his eyes. To be honest, I can’t make out what emotion is there.
“Son, I have to say I’m pretty disappointed in the way you handled this situation, but that is neither here nor there at the moment. We can deal with it later. Where’s your head at? If you were so sure this was all a lie and you didn’t believe her, what changed your mind?”
“Alex,” I tell him. “He’s been pretty pissed at me about this for the last few weeks.”
“THE LAST FEW WEEKS?” My mother screams from the other room and rushes back into the kitchen. “This happened weeks ago, and you left that poor girl all by herself to deal with this? This happened before Thanksgiving, didn’t it? You lied to me about her being with her parents, didn’t you?”
I nod my head, not wanting to lie to her anymore.
“I can’t believe you right now. You just got done telling us you’re going to be the face of a huge foundation for underprivileged children. Don’t you see the irony there? I can’t believe you. You’re being a coward, Tanner!” she screams.
“MARGARET! THAT IS ENOUGH!” Dad shouts, trying to cut her off.
I’m taken aback. I’ve never heard my father raise his voice to my mother.
“No,” she says. “No, it’s not enough. His actions are the actions of a coward, not the man we raised him to be. I can’t believe you’re defending him right now, Andrew.” I’ve never seen my mother like this, and she’s honestly scaring the shit out of me. I feel like a ten-year-old boy again.
“Margaret, you need a breather. I understand you’re upset, but you standing here berating our son isn’t helping things. He came to us for advice, not judgment. I think it’s best you walk away now before you say something you’ll regret,” my father says calmly.
“You can sleep on the couch tonight. And don’t worry—that isn’t something I’ll regret!” Ma shoots back before walking upstairs and slamming the door.
I sigh and look back down at my hands. “I’m sorry, Dad. Don’t fight with Ma over this. This mess is screwing things up with everyone.”
“Don’t worry about your mother. I can handle her. She’s looking at this from Ashley’s perspective, and rightfully so, since well, she’s a woman. But I can understand your feelings as a man. It’s scary to hear a woman tell you she’s pregnant. You two aren’t married and are still a pretty new couple.” Dad stands and heads for the fridge. He opens it up and grabs two beers before turning back to me and handing me one. “Women automatically know a baby’s theirs, but we men don’t have the same assurance. I also know you aren’t always quick to trust, I can see where you’re coming from. Your mother can’t right now. That being said, I’m still not proud of your actions. But you’re second guessing your gut feeling now, right? Tell me why.” Dad sits at the far end of the table before opening his bottle and taking a long pull.
Opening my beer, I take a deep breath before telling Dad about my conversation with Alex about what Ashley’s been up to. I also recount what Kelvin told me and my dream about the baby, trying to make him see how confused I am and I have no idea what to do. I explain how I feel betrayed and how I would have been more inclined to believe her if she had told me about the missing patch from the beginning.
Dad sits up and leans forward, resting his forearms on the edge of the table. “Has Ashley ever given you any indication she’s been anything but faithful and honest?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“And can you honestly say you can see her doin
g something like this on purpose?”
I shrug. “I guess not, but I don’t know.”
He sighs and then leans back in his chair. “Tanner, you’ve had trouble trusting people outside your safety net for a long time. You once told me Ashley was different and special, that you felt an instant connection with her. I could see the love between the two of you clear as day when I saw you guys together. I think you’re just scared, which is natural.”
“Love? What are you talking about, Dad? Ashley and I weren’t in love. I mean, things were great before this whole pregnancy shit happened, but neither one of us ever said anything about love.”
“Son, that girl is head over heels in love with you—or at least she was. You may not have realized it, but you were in love with her too.” He smiles at me.
“No, Dad,” I object, peeling the corner of the label on my beer, which seems to be a new habit of mine lately.
“Answer me this: Would you have let anyone, or anything, hurt her?” He stands up and walks over to me, taking a seat beside me.
“No.”
“Did you make her problems your problems and do what was needed to make sure they weren’t problems anymore?” he asks, laying his hand over mine.
I sigh. “Yes.”
“Did you feel the need to make sure she was safe, secure, and happy?” He lowers his gaze to catch mine.
“Yes,” I say, meeting his eyes.
“Did you find yourself thinking about her almost every second of the day?”
“Yes.” Still do.
“You’re in love with her. You just didn’t recognize it because you’ve never been in love before, son. We men are blind, and sometimes we need something to slap us upside the head so we take notice,” he explains, squeezing my hand. “That’s why you felt betrayed by her when you found out she hadn’t told you about the patch falling off right away. Love is a tricky feeling. It can sneak up on you out of nowhere and knock the hell out of you. But I can tell you love is supposed to be unconditional. Am I happy about how your mother just acted? No, but I love her, so I’m going to forgive her and work this out. That’s what love is all about.”
