by K. A. Berg
“I don’t know, Dad. I definitely had feelings for her, but I don’t know if I would jump to calling them love,” I argue even though I know he’s right. I’d already tripped and started falling fast toward love when it came to Ashley.
“Okay but think about it when you’ve cleared your head a little bit. Either way, from what you said Alex told you, I don’t think that she has plans to use you. I want you to think long and hard about what you want to do. There are some things you can’t get back in life, Tanner. I would hate for you to miss out on some of those things. You kids are the greatest part of my life, and I’m glad I was there every step of the way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a couch I need to go make up. Good luck, Son.” He stands, pulling his hand from mine. He rests it on my shoulder for a moment before heading out of the kitchen.
Damn, I really have a lot to think about, and I don’t know where I should begin.
“Dickhead,” Alex says as a greeting when he opens the door. “You look like shit.”
“I feel like shit. I didn’t sleep well at all last night, and I’ve had a long fucking day.” I push past him, inviting myself in.
“Oh yeah? Why’s that? You decide to go back to hitting the bottle?” he asks as he closes the door.
Okay, I guess he’s still pissed at me. Well, he can join the club. I’m sure my mom would have no problem hosting meetings at her house since she’s practically the sitting president.
“You can drop the attitude. I know I fucked up. Why do you think I’m here? I don’t know what to do, man,” I tell him dejectedly. The nightmare I had last night combined with my mother’s less than stellar reaction has me all twisted up inside.
“It took you long enough. What changed your mind?” he asks, heading into the kitchen.
I follow because I desperately need a shot of something. “You, Kelvin, my parents… dude, my mother basically disowned me. I’ve never seen her look at me like that before, like she was disgusted. It was horrible. She went off on a tangent, and my dad had to yell at her to stop her. He never raises his voice with her, Alex. She told him he could sleep on the couch for siding with me. That was after she called me a coward.”
“Damn, man. That’s rough. I wouldn’t want to be on your mom’s bad side,” he says, grabbing a couple of shot glasses and bottle a whiskey from the cabinet. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but she isn’t wrong. I’m not going to lie. What you did was probably the shittiest thing anyone could have done in that situation. I know you’ve had issues since the whole Carrie thing, but honestly, why you let one crazy bitch control the way you look at every woman is beyond my comprehension.” He shakes his head. “What did Kelvin say to you?”
I recount my conversation with Kelvin and proceed to tell Alex all about my nightmare. “Then Ashley grabbed him and told him he didn’t have a daddy, and he didn’t need one because she loved him enough. It felt so real, man. I woke up sweating. I can’t let that happen. I know I’m an asshole, but I need to fix this.”
“All I can tell you is she isn’t going to take you back with open arms. This last month hasn’t been easy on her. I had dinner with her and Quinn last weekend for her birthday, and I got to hear straight from the source what she’s been going through. She’s just starting to get over the nausea, and she’s got the new job on her plate as well. Quinn also told me she wants nothing to do with you. Ashley has no intention of ever seeing you again, man. You’ve got your work cut out for you. I don’t know if you’re going to be able to fix this.” He sighs. “It might be too late.”
It suddenly feels as if someone is sitting on my chest, and I can barely breathe. I remember how Ashley looked the last time I saw her—so sick and run-down. I’d wanted to take her to the hospital she looked so bad. To think she’s spent the last month sick like that turns my stomach.
“Why did she get another job? I have more than enough money to support them.”
“Seriously, man?” he asks, shaking his head. “Have you been listening to me? She wants nothing to do with you, including your money. Jesus… Thank God you have an amazing arm because sometimes you’re really stupid.”
God, I really am stupid. How could I’ve fucked this up so badly she’d rather work two jobs than come to me for help? Yup, the Asshole of the Year award goes to me.
“Any suggestions on where to start?” I ask.
“How about with an apology?”
Chapter Five
Tanner
The more I think about it, the more I see Alex has been one hundred percent right from the very beginning. I wish I’d been able to see it sooner. The only way back to Ashley will be on my knees. But how can I possibly begin to apologize for what I’ve done? I try to put myself in her shoes and think about how scared she must be. She’s fucking pregnant and thinking she’s going to be bringing this child into the world alone. When I replay the last time we spoke in my mind, I want to kick my own ass for the things I said to her. I was a fucking dick. Somehow, I have to make this right.
I’ve spent the last few days thinking of ways to win her back, and I’ve drawn a blank every time I’ve tried to figure it out, so I decide to go with a simple “I’m sorry.” Every second I waste trying to make up my mind on how to say sorry is a second longer Ashley doesn’t get to hear it, and this apology is long overdue. I try to think of what I would want to hear from someone if the situation were reversed, and I can’t think of a single thing other than the truth.
I pick up a birthday card and some flowers on the way to her house, hoping they’ll at least get me in the door. I doubt they’ll help much, but at least I have something to pin my hopes on. Better than showing up empty handed. I’m thankful the doorman doesn’t stop me on my way in. I guess there isn’t a no-admittance list anywhere. Either that or Ashley really thought I’d never show up here and never bothered to put me on it.
My palms are sweating profusely. I don’t think I was even this nervous on draft day. I wipe my free hand on my jeans before exiting the elevator, and my heart rate picks up as I walk down the hallway toward Ashley’s door. I don’t expect this reunion to go over very well, but I hope I’m not being naïve in thinking there’s a chance it could. I stand in front of the door for a minute or two, trying to gain some semblance of composure before realizing it isn’t going to happen. I take a deep breath and knock. Everything seems quiet behind the door, and I’m just starting to think maybe no one’s home when I hear a slight shuffling. Then the door opens.
There she is, just as beautiful as I remember. Everything fades away but Ashley. I can’t think about anything other than the sight before me. She’s dressed casually, wearing a pair of black leggings and a long gray sweater. Her long brown hair hangs in loose curls. There’s definitely a glow about her, but I also still see the effects of her recent illness. She’s thinner and paler than when I last saw her but still stunning. She stands there, staring at me, her expression a mix of emotions. Her presence instantly makes my dick hard. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about anything sexual right now, but I can’t help it. It’s Ashley, and she’s always brought out the best in me when it comes to sex. I just hope my dick gets the message he needs to calm down before he makes his presence known and this apology gets even more difficult for me.
“Hello, Ashley.”
“What are you doing here?” Her mouth is turned down into a frown, and her voice is hard, a tone that doesn’t match her beauty. The look in her eyes conveys nothing but contempt. Well, at least it helps alleviate my hard-on.
“I was hoping we could talk,” I say, grateful my voice doesn’t waver and give away the fact the look she’s giving me scares me shitless. Call me stupid, but I wasn’t excepting to be greeted with this much venom.
Her expression makes the look Ma gave me the other night seem like a smile. I’d known she was mad at me, but I definitely hadn’t thought she could hate me this much. I feel the weight of my guilt on my shoulders even more now. I really need to fix this, but it’s going to be
way harder than I’d anticipated.
“Talk about what?” she snaps.
“Us,” I answer, straightening my spine, steeling myself for her anger and forcing myself to look her in the eye, knowing full well I won’t find any kindness there.
“There is no us, Tanner. Remember?” she practically growls at me, shaking her head.
“There will always be an us, Ashley. I’m sorry I lost my head when you told me. There’s no excuse for how I have handled this, and I need you to know I’m sorry.” I hope she can sense the sincerity pouring out of me. My empty hand reaches out to her almost instinctively. I just want to touch her, comfort her.
“You’re sorry?” she asks with disbelief, her eyebrows arching with accusation as she steps out of my reach and eyes my hand as though she wants to break it.
“Yes, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said to you. I’m sorry for how I acted. I’m sorry I haven’t been here for the last four weeks. I’m sorry for everything.” Being here now, begging for forgiveness like this, is a huge reality check. I would’ve never thought it was possible for a person to experience so many feelings at one time. Guilt, shame, remorse, fright—they’re all here, swirling around inside me. The only thing holding everything together is the little bit of hope I’m still clinging to.
“You think saying you’re sorry and bringing me flowers is going to make everything better?” Her voice grows harsher. A coldness has taken over her gaze, and her body is tense. She looks down at the flowers in my hand with aversion, as if they’re a rotting animal rather than a bouquet. Now I know for sure this encounter isn’t going to pan out well for me at all.
“I know it’s not going to fix everything, but it needs to be said. I am sorry. There aren’t enough words to tell you how sorry I am,” I say, holding out the flowers toward her. “The flowers are for your birthday. I’m sorry I missed it.”
She cocks her head to the side and studies me with a puzzled expression. “You’re unbelievable,” she huffs and turns away from the open door, walking farther into the condo. I don’t know whether I should follow her or not, so I hover in the doorway, trying to figure out what’s going on. She returns, her fist clenched around something I can’t make out.
She points to the flowers and says, “I don’t want your gift, and I don’t want the last one you gave me either.” She pushes her fist into my chest, and I realize she’s holding the BMW keys.
“Ashley, I’m not taking those. The car was a gift,” I tell her, gently pushing her fist back toward her. The sensation I get when I wrap my fingers around her hand, even for a brief instant, makes me feel alive again.
“I don’t want it. It’s been sitting in the garage for the last month rotting away. Take it or continue to let it rot there. I don’t care either way, but I’m not driving it.” She snatches her hand from my grasp and rolls her eyes.
“Your old car isn’t safe. Please tell me you’ve haven’t been driving it around.” I’d bought her a new car because I’d been worried about something bad happening to her in her old piece of shit. Was she really carrying our baby around in that death trap now?
Our baby… Holy shit! For the first time, everything clicks together in my brain. Our. I want her, and I want our baby. I want this life with her. No matter what she throws at me, nothing will stop me from making things right. Not now. Not when I finally see things clearly.
“Tanner, please don’t act like you care. Your time for caring is over. If you’re done making yourself feel better with this apology, I have things I need to do,” she says, pushing me toward the door.
I lay the flowers and birthday card on the console table next to the doorway and stand my ground, forcing her to lean into me as she continues to try to push me into the hallway. “I’m not going away so easily, Ashley. And the car was a gift for you to do with as you please, regardless of what happens between us. I want you to have it. If you want to let it sit in the garage, it’s your decision, but I want you to be safe. I need for you to be safe, so I’d prefer you use it.” I hope the steely resolve in my voice masks my fear.
I’ll stop at nothing to get her back, but based on everything I’ve seen today, it’s going to be an uphill battle. She can barely stand the sight of me, and I’m scared to death she’s just going to keep pushing me away. But I can’t show her my fear. I don’t want her to think I’m ever going to stop fighting for her.
“What you want doesn’t matter to me anymore. It was your decision to end our relationship. You should stand by your decisions. I stand by mine, which is to keep you as far away from my life as possible.”
Seeing things are going nowhere for now, I let her strong-arm me through the doorway at last.
She puts her hands triumphantly on her hips as I come to a halt in the hallway. “Oh, and please keep your little messenger to yourself. I don’t need to be pushed out of your life. I left weeks ago, and I have no intention of coming back.” She slams the door so fast I don’t have the chance to question her about her parting comment. What messenger? What the hell is she talking about?
I know I shouldn’t be surprised by her anger. I expected as much but damn… That did not go well at all. I guess it could’ve been worse. At least she didn’t slam the door in my face right off the bat. I’m not going to let this get me down though. I didn’t get to where I am in life by letting a little hard work get in my way. She’s definitely worth the hard work. I created this mess myself after all. Now, it’s time to fix it.
* * *
__________
* * *
“YOU THROW LIKE a girl, Uncle Tanner,” my niece tells me.
“I don’t throw like a girl, Maci. You just catch like one, so I can’t put much force behind this Frisbee.” I laugh at her.
“Throw it harder,” she yells, running toward the other side of the little open field in the park. I give the disc a good chuck and watch her chase it down past a small building.
When Maci doesn’t return with the Frisbee, I head over to help and make sure she’s okay.
“Maci, did you find it? What’s taking so long?” I ask, rounding the corner of the building, finding the bathrooms and water fountains there. On the far side, I see Maci crouched down, talking with a little boy who’s sitting on the cement outside the ladies’ room.
“Sorry, Uncle Tanner. He was sitting here by himself, waiting for his mommy to come out of the bathroom. I didn’t want to leave him alone. They taught us in school the buddy system is the best way to stay safe.” My sweet little niece. She really is a special soul.
“That’s fine,” I tell her. “That’s very thoughtful of you.”
The little boy seems a little frightened. He gives me a wary look, and I can’t help but stare at him. He looks as though he could be Maci’s brother. Except, his face is ashen, almost dirty-looking, as though he hasn’t had a bath in a while. His eyes are sunken in, making them appear almost too big for his little face. His pants don’t meet his shoes, and he isn’t wearing socks. Poor kid. Looks like he hasn’t had an easy life. It breaks my heart to see kids like this.
Maci pulls a granola bar from her jacket pocket and asks him if he’s hungry. He nods his head up and down, obviously excited at the thought of food.
“What’s your name?” Maci asks.
“Sammy,” he says, grabbing my attention. Why does his name seem so familiar? It’s a common enough name, but I know I’ve heard it recently.
“What’s your mommy doing in there that’s taking so long?” Maci asks innocently.
“It’s bath day,” Sammy tells her, his eyes never looking up from the granola bar.
“Okay, what’s that got to do with the park bathroom?” Ignorance is such bliss, and Maci has no idea what he’s telling her. I wonder whether they’re homeless or just had their water turned off.
The bathroom door squeaks open, and I hear a familiar voice say, “Come on, Sammy. Your… turn.”
The last word gets stuck in her throat when she notices Maci and I standin
g there talking with Sammy.
I gasp. “Ashley.”
“Tanner… What are you doing here?” She asks, pulling Sammy behind her when he gets close enough for her to grab.
“My niece didn’t want to leave Sammy sitting here alone. She thought the buddy system would be better.” I smile at Ashley while I take in her appearance. She doesn’t look much better than Sammy. They both appear too thin and seem beaten down by life. It dawns on me Sammy must be about four or five—the same age Ashley’s baby would be.
“Is he….mine?” I ask, needing to know if this impoverished kid is mine.
“He’s mine,” she answers. “Go away, Tanner, and forget you ever ran into us. It’s what you’re good at.”
“Ashley, is he mine?” I ask again more aggressively.
“What does it matter to you?” she spits back. “You made your feelings on the matter very clear five years ago.”
“It matters when you’re bathing in a park bathroom and it looks like you guys haven’t had a decent meal in years. Why didn’t you call? What happened to you, Ashley?”
“You happened to me, Tanner.”
I bolt upright in bed, covered yet again in sweat. Not another fucking nightmare. I don’t know how many more of these I can take.
Chapter Six
Tanner
These fucking dreams are really messing with my head, which in turn, is messing with my game. This is the worst possible time for me to not be on top of things. The playoffs start in two weeks, and I’d like nothing more than for us to clinch the division and give ourselves a week off. I can’t afford to be distracted if I’m going to make that happen. I have an entire team riding on me to keep my shit together—not just for a few minutes but for an entire game. That’s not possible if I can’t sleep through the night because I’m having dreams about emaciated little boys. I guess you can’t really call them dreams—more like slow torture. I know Ashley would never let something happen to our child intentionally, but if she doesn’t let me into their life, I can’t know for sure that it won’t.
