All We Were (Ex-Factor Duet Book 1)

by Elisabeth Grace

  “All right then. Have a good one.” He gets back into the car.

  I wait for him to pull away before I punch the code into the gate and pull my luggage behind me as I head toward the house. Just setting eyes on this place frays my nerves. The last time I was here, I lived an entirely different lifestyle.

  Before I reach the door, the gate closes.

  He knows I’m here.

  Butterflies flutter in my stomach. I’m more nervous to see him now than when he visited me in rehab.

  The front door opens, and he appears.

  I stop, taking him in. He’s gorgeous with his movie-star looks, wearing a pair of black athletic pants and a fitted white tee that sets off his dark hair. It curls at the ends because it’s longer than the last time I saw him. His eyes glisten with emotion as he looks at me.

  One thing therapy helped me to sort out was my feelings for this man. I’ve always loved Jimmy—I know that now. I resisted giving him the words for the longest time. According to my counselors, that’s what happens when your mom dies and your dad… does what he does. You think that everyone you care for will hurt you. But Jimmy’s proven to me over and over that isn’t the case.

  My newfound emotions make this homecoming harder though.

  I don’t know anything about his life or what he’s been doing these last three months. Having been cut off from the outside world, I have no idea if he’s seeing anyone, dating, or what.

  I need to be honest with him about my feelings. Honesty is my new policy in life. It’s the only way I’m going to stay sober. Bottling up my emotions is a toxic endeavor and I’ve worked so hard to get where I am. I don’t want to waste my chance.

  “Hey,” I say.

  My voice startles him out of his daze. He bolts down the steps toward me.

  I abandon my luggage and meet him halfway, where we crash into each other, squeezing tightly.

  He turns his head into my neck and murmurs against my skin, “You’re home.”

  “I missed you so much.”

  He pulls away and cups my face, gazing down at me with a smile that fills my heart with so much joy. “You have no idea, Lilah. Every day, every day I wished you were here, even though I knew you were where you needed to be.”

  I step into him again, my arms around his waist.

  “Let’s get in the house.”

  We untangle from one another, and Jimmy clutches my luggage. Everything inside looks the same as it once did. I don’t know what I expected, but in one way, I was gone forever. At the same time, I never left.

  “So what do you want to do? I have nothing going on today. I’m all yours,” Jimmy says with his arms out to the side.

  I want to run to him and wrap myself around him. He’s my safe place. Always has been. But I know that if I want to do this—really stay sober and start over—I have to learn to rely on myself, not Jimmy. “I wouldn’t mind unpacking and maybe going for a swim.”

  “You’re really liking swimming now, huh?”

  I shrug sheepishly. “It keeps me centered, disperses a lot of the toxic energy and thoughts I still have.”

  He nods. “Maybe I’ll make us a late lunch while you’re doing that then.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “What do you want to eat?” From his expression, you’d think he has no idea what my likes and dislikes are.

  “Whatever you decide on is fine. I’m not going to spiral because you didn’t have what I want on the menu.”

  “I didn’t—”

  “It’s okay, Jimmy. I’m not that damaged.” I smile and head down the hall with my large suitcase.

  I pause at the master bedroom door. When I first came to stay here, I put up a fuss about having my own room. I now know it’s because I wanted to prevent any true intimacy from seeping into my relationship with Jimmy. Now, I’d do almost anything to share that bed with him.

  One step at a time though. I need to get acclimated to everyday life. Then he and I can sit down and have a conversation where I’m truthful for the first time since we were teenagers.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  Jimmy

  It’s been a week since Lilah returned from rehab, and from the outside, she’s doing well. She attends a meeting every day—either NA or AA, sometimes both. And she’s always sure to fit in her laps in the pool. Watching her, I can understand why it helps her. When she’s swimming, she’s completely focused on what she’s doing, and when she’s done, there’s a calm aura around her, one I’ve never seen before.

  I try to be home as much as I can, but we’ve had more photo shoots for promo for the movie and I’ve had to do some voice-overs in the studio in LA. But all that is done, and I have the next three days to myself before I have a meeting with my agent in the city.

  The sun glistens down on my pool and the ocean beyond. I watch her dunk her head under the water as she moves her arms in smooth strokes and kicks her feet. She’s getting better every day. She’s gotten faster and built up her endurance since I saw her in rehab. Pride swells in my chest. Immediately followed by the stirring of my dick in my shorts when she stops in the shallow end and stands.

  She’s wearing a sporty bikini, but it dips low at the front and reveals an abundance of her cleavage, and her nipples poke through the fabric. My eyes draw down to the curve of her waist and the swell of her hips. She’s so beautiful and sexy and stunning. Since she quit the drugs and alcohol, she’s gained the weight she desperately needed, and all her swimming has defined her womanly curves.

  I’ve been jerking off every morning to relieve my desire for her. I’m starting to feel like a teenage boy.

  Lilah pulls the goggles off her face as my cell phone rings on the table beside me. I pick it up as Adelaide’s name flashes on the screen.

  “Hey, how’s it going?” I answer.

  For some reason, guilt punches my stomach when Lilah looks at me. I can’t hold her gaze, so I pick at a piece of lint that isn’t there on my shorts.

  “I’m good, but I was calling to see how you were doing. It’s weird not seeing you every day now, and I know Lilah is home, so I thought you might need to… talk.”

  I appreciate Adelaide’s concern, but I won’t be confiding everything about our complicated past to her. My gaze flicks to Lilah. She’s out of the pool and walking toward me. Probably to grab her towel from the lounger beside me. My eyes stay trained on her as her hips sway with each one of her steps.

  “James?” Adelaide recaptures my attention.

  “What? Sorry, yeah, things are good. Lilah’s doing well.”

  “Oh, that’s good to hear.” Her words hold an undercurrent of disappointment.

  My forehead wrinkles. “Yeah, speaking of… I can’t really talk right now. Is it okay if I call you later?”

  “Sure thing,” she says. “Take care of yourself.”

  “Will do.” I hang up and set the phone on the table as Lilah runs the beach towel down each of her arms.

  This is ridiculous. I’m jealous of a fucking beach towel.

  A rush of air leaves my nostrils, and I shift in my seat to hide the growing bulge in my shorts.

  “Who was that?” Lilah asks, patting the towel down her abdomen.

  I want to offer to lick off each drop of water. “Adelaide. She just called to see how you’re doing.”

  She tenses but continues drying herself. “That was nice of her.”

  She drops the towel on the lounger and squeezes out her long blonde locks. Locks I’d give anything to have fisted in my hand as I pump into her from behind.

  Jesus, I need to shower.

  “Are you two friends now?” she asks, but there’s trace of what she really wants to know.

  “We are friends. There’s something I need to tell you, but we are just friends.”

  She presses her lips together and nods before lowering herself to sit on the lounger beside me. “What is it?”

  I sit up so that I’m facing her and enclose her hands in mine. “Bernie Butl
er asked Adelaide and me to pretend, or at least put it out there, that there could be something between us.”

  She huffs.

  “For the sake of the movie. Another director and studio are putting out a superhero movie a month before ours, and he figures a romance between us would be good for sales.”

  It sounds so stupid, but with Bernie, my hands are tied.

  “Oh.” She slides back in the lounge chair.

  I lean forward, squeezing her hands harder. “You know Bernie, there’s no choice, and with our fight and…” Not wanting to go into everything we’ve decided to leave in the past, I move to what I’m going to do in the future. “That’s over. Screw him. But I wanted you to know.”

  She faces me, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, her hands under her chin. “Okay. Do you want to… be with her?”

  “No!” I grip her hands tighter. “Not at all. It was all a ruse for the press. I promise.”

  She’s silent for an excruciating minute, her eyes on our hands. She weaves her fingers through mine, running them along the length, watching as we come and go together. “Can we talk for a minute?”

  My heart thumps. I don’t know how I know—maybe it’s that I’ve known this girl my entire life—but this isn’t going to be a throw-away conversation.

  “Of course, what do you want to talk about?” I pick up the bottle of water I have on the table and take a sip. I’d kill for a beer right about now.

  “Us.”

  One word. Two letters. Yet so profound.

  “Us?” I clarify.

  She nods. “First, I want to say thank you for arranging rehab and letting me stay here afterward. I fully intend on paying you back for the cost of sending me to Utah, once I figure out what it is I’m going to do with my life.”

  I shake my head. “Lilah, you do not need to—”

  “I do though. I need to pay you back. It’s important to me.”

  I’m never going to accept her money, but I nod, figuring we can save that argument for another day.

  “I also noticed that you removed all the alcohol from the house… thank you.” She whispers the last part. “I hope there’ll eventually be a time where I can be around alcohol and not have it be an issue, but I’m not there yet.”

  I grip her chin and squeeze it until she straightens up. “I’d never knowingly put you in a position that would make it harder for you to cope. I know how hard you’ve worked to get this far.”

  She nods. “I have worked hard. I have. And it’s still a struggle, but one I’m committed to getting through. Which leads me to my next point…” She lets my hand go, straightens her back, and puts her hands on her knees. I can’t help the way my gaze dips to her chest when she does that. “You have to stop walking on eggshells around me.”

  The line between my eyes deepens. “What are you talking about?”

  “Jimmy,” she sighs. “You walk around here like the place is loaded with land mines and if you say or do the wrong thing, everything is going to explode in your face.”

  “I just want to make this as easy as possible for you.”

  She places her hand on my cheek for an all-too-brief moment. “And I love that about you. But I need to learn to deal with life—real life—and also be sober. For the longest time, my coping mechanism was to numb myself. It’s important that I use the skills I learned in rehab, so they become my new normal.”

  I bundle her hands in mine. “All right. I get it. I do.”

  She smiles, and it reminds me of the way she used to look at me when we were kids—as if I hung the moon and stars.

  “There’s something else I want to talk about,” she says in a low voice.

  My gaze locks with her. “Okaaay…”

  Her hands twitch in mine and I can tell that she’s nervous. I have no idea what the hell this is about.

  Drawing in a deep breath, she closes her eyes for a moment. “The first thing I want to do is apologize for all the damage I’ve done over the years. There’re too many things to list them all, but we both know what they are.”

  I want to cut her off and protect her from the guilt about the past. I don’t care about any of the shit she did. But a part of her recovery is making amends with the people she’s hurt, so I press my lips together and let her continue.

  “I’ve done so many selfish and hurtful things—some unintentionally and some on purpose to hurt you when I was lashing out.”

  My mind drifts over her more biting comments. Visions of her messing around with other guys in front of me to get a rise out of me pummel my brain, but I force them back. We’re starting over.

  “For that, I’m truly sorry. If I could take it all back, I would, but the best I can do is tell you that I’m committed to not being that person—the addict—anymore. The only thing I control going forward is my behavior, but I won’t let you be hurt because of me any longer. I vow to you that I will do whatever it takes to make sure that’s the case.”

  I seize her pause as my opportunity to speak. “Thank you for the apology. I’m glad we’re getting this fresh start.”

  Her shoulders fall. Was she honestly worried I wouldn’t forgive her? “I’m glad to hear you say that, because I want to talk about our relationship going forward and what I’d like it to look like.”

  I try not to let my disappointment show. I know what she’s going to tell me—that I’m a trigger for her and we can no longer be together in any kind of romantic way. I understand that. I do. I’ll even support it, but it’s hard to sit here and hide my utter devastation while I wait for her to deliver the hammer to something I’ve wanted for so long.

  My eyes are set on our hands because I can’t look her in the eyes.

  “The first thing you need to know is that I love you, Jimmy.”

  My gaze flicks up to meet hers.

  “I’ve always loved you. I know I didn’t speak the words until it was too late, but you need to know that I did mean them. You’re the most important thing to me, and I only want your happiness.”

  I swallow, unable to speak because I can see—hell, I can feel—that she means what she’s saying. The moment is surreal. Running away from Virginia, becoming an actor, getting the part of The Regulator. All of those were dreams I hoped for but doubted could happen, but Lilah admitting she loves me? That always seemed more impossible than all the rest.

  “I did love you in the past and I love you in the present, and if you’ll have me, I want to love you in the future. The way normal people do. A real relationship. I want to be with you, Jimmy, and I can’t be here with you and pretend otherwise any longer.”

  Elation bubbles in my blood. I cup her cheek and smile until a realization dawns on me. My smile falters and I remove my hands from her, standing from my chair and running my hand through my hair.

  She’s a recovering addict. They’re not supposed to have any romantic entanglements for at least a year after becoming sober. So even though I’m being offered what I’ve waited a lifetime for, I can’t accept it.

  I pace as Lilah sits silently.

  “You don’t feel that way about me anymore. I’ve done too much damage.” The pain in her voice is clear, but at the same time, she sounds resigned.

  “No, that’s not it.” I shake my head. “What about your sobriety?”

  She walks over to me. “What about it?”

  “Aren’t you supposed to not be involved with anyone until you’ve been sober for at least a year?”

  She glances at her hands. “That is something they recommend, though it’s not a hard-and-fast rule.”

  “Listen…” I step into her, holding her face. My bare chest almost brushes against her damp swimsuit, but I deny myself the pleasure. It will only make it harder to get the words out. “You are so much a part of me that I don’t know where I end, and you begin. Of course I still love you.” I kiss her forehead and hold my lips there for a few seconds longer than necessary, basking in having her skin under mine again. “But I’ll wait. I wi
ll wait for you.”

  She shakes her head. “I don’t want to wait a year. I can’t. Now that I’ve finally accepted my love for you and decided to give you all of me, I can’t wait.” She grips my wrists while I hold her face. “Please don’t ask me to.”

  “Lilah… I couldn’t bear it if I was your undoing.” My chest constricts just thinking of the gaping wound that I’d be left with if she started using again. I’d never hurt her on purpose, but as we both know, some of the biggest things that affect you in life, you aren’t in control of.

  “Don’t you see?” The corners of her lips lift in a small smile. “You’ve always been what’s given me the strength to go on. I know what the doctrine says, but I know us too. I know you.” She places a tentative kiss on my lips.

  She’s home. She always has been. That will never change.

  “We’re good for each other. I promise.”

  Her blue eyes stare into my dark ones. In a flash, all the pain from the past, the struggles between us evaporates and it’s just us, here and now. The woman I love more than my own life is offering her love to me. I can’t say no. I can’t even fathom saying no.

  “You’re sure?” I ask as need and desire claw at my insides.

  “I’ve never been more sure of anything. I want to be yours, Jimmy.”

  “You always have been.” I claim her lips.

  She’s mine at last.

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Lilah

  He crushes his lips to mine, lust and desire emanating from his kiss. His tongue slides against the seam of my lips and I open for him, truly tasting him for the first time in forever. He groans as our tongues meet, and he pulls me into him. My nipples peak against the bare skin of his chest.

  He pulls away for a moment and brushes the strands of loose hair off my face. “God, I missed this, missed you.”

  He runs his tongue from the base of my neck to my earlobe. My eyes drift closed, and my head falls back as the coarseness of his short beard brushes against my skin in opposition to the soft caress of his tongue and lips as he travels to my other ear.