The Missing

by Kiersten Modglin

  I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off.

  “And I’m not trying to, like, demand that you make a vow to me or anything right now. I understand you’re still in love with your husband. I understand that you’re still married. It’s why I haven’t pushed the issue since our kiss in the jungle that night. I wanted to give you space. But you obviously like me, and I care about you… I’m just trying to figure out where to set my boundary…my expectations. Because this is the rest of our lives, and I’m just not handling it well…” He trailed off, shaking his head and looking away.

  “Noah, I care about you, too. And I’m not only saying that because you’re the only person left for me to care about. You’ve been a good friend to me, even when you were pretending to be a jerk. I do love Ned. I won’t lie to you about that. But I could love you, given time. And it seems like that’s what we’re going to have here.”

  “Selfishly, I want that to be enough, but I have to ask… If you were given the chance to go home, to get home to your husband, to your old life right now, would you?”

  Confusion flooded my thoughts, the expression on his face growing more distraught. “Why are you asking me that, Noah?”

  He sighed. “It happened before I knew you… Before our pact.”

  “What happened?”

  “I saw a man in the woods.”

  “What are you talking about? What man?”

  “He was older. Fifties, maybe. Bald. He approached me that first day, when I’d gone to get coconuts. He gave me the note, the one about killing each other to escape, asked me to put it down somewhere everyone would find it.”

  My blood ran cold. “So, you’ve been the one leaving notes?”

  “Just the one,” he said quickly. “Just that one. I have no idea who’s been leaving the rest, but it wasn’t me. He told me that we were part of an experiment and that someone had to kill everyone in order to escape. Last man standing and all that… That was what he said. I thought he was kidding at first, but then he led me to the coconuts and the falls, and told me I should keep them a secret. Said it would give me an upper hand and that I couldn’t trust any of you—”

  “That’s what the woman told me…”

  “And I didn’t know you then. Any of you. So, I kept the secret. But then the closer we got, I worried that telling you would break the trust you had with me.”

  “Have you seen the man again?”

  “No,” he said, shaking his head. “Just that once. But…there was one more thing. He told me that whoever does the killing, they won’t get in trouble. He said they’ll be protected and…” He grimaced. “Taken care of.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked, feeling horrified that Noah had known this all along, but also even more confused than before. What kind of sick experiment was this?

  “He didn’t elaborate. He shoved the note in my hand and disappeared. Said if I followed him, he’d kill me himself and save you all the trouble.” He shuddered. “I believed him. About everything… Which means, if you want to go home, go back to your life…”

  As realization set in about what he was offering, I began to feel sick. “Noah, come on. You know I’d never agree to anything like that.”

  “Just hear me out, okay? I’m not making this offering lightly. I’d never have offered before when it was the four or five of us because, well, it was just too complicated, and I worried it would make things even worse. No one would ever agree on who could be the winner—”

  “Winner’s a generous term for it.” I scoffed.

  “But now that it’s just us.” He licked his lips. “Look, if you say you want to be with me, here on this island, or that you think you could want that in the future—ever—more than you want to be with your husband, then I’ll let it go. But you have someone waiting for you back home.”

  “You have your parents and—”

  “My parents are getting older. They have each other. I’m not saying I want to lose them, but you have so much more at stake here, so if you’d be happier returning, if you’d be happier back at home… There’s a way to make that happen.”

  “By killing you?” I asked, my mouth gaped open in horror. “Noah, I could never—”

  “You wouldn’t have to do it.”

  “Why are you even talking like this?” I stood up, shaking my head and walking away from him. He jogged up behind me.

  “I don’t mean to upset you. I just want you to know it’s an option. I wanted to be honest with you.”

  “It’s always been an option. It’s not like there was really any doubt about what was going on here, not since that first note. And especially not since going to the cliff house. We’ve known for a while now that any of us could’ve ended it… But we have a deal. A pact. And I appreciate you telling me the truth about it, but it’s not like you really did anything wrong. I don’t want you to die, Noah. Our friends just died, and I’m barely standing.” I stopped, looking up at him. “I can’t even think about this right now.”

  I stopped in my tracks, looking out over the ocean. “Do you…” Was I seeing things? Was I imagining it? “Do you see that?”

  He followed my line of vision, squinting his eyes as if to help him see better. “Oh my god,” he said, rushing forward toward the shore as I took off as well.

  “Is he…” I couldn’t bear to think it, let alone say it, for fear of jinxing it. Please. Please. Please.

  In the distance, I could see James floating on a stray log that hadn’t yet made its way to the shore. He had one thick arm and his head draped across the wood, his body floating lifelessly. He’d been out there all along. Waiting for us to save him. But were we too late?

  Without hesitation, Noah rushed into the water, paddling out to him as fast as he could while fighting the waves as they tried to pull him back toward me. Please. Please. Please.

  I repeated the mantra over and over in my head, bouncing up and down on my tiptoes as I watched the scene unfold. I wanted to get to him. I wanted to help him. But I also knew my swimming skills were elementary at best and, should I try to help, the likelihood was that I’d end up being more of a liability to him in the end.

  So, I watched. I waited. I prayed to a god I’d long since given up on.

  Please. Please. Please.

  At long last, as he reached the log, he took hold of James’s arm, tossing it over his shoulder and lugging him backward, moving at a snail’s pace, both their heads barely above the water as they made their way toward me.

  Seeing it happen, I thought of the turtles we’d often see in a pond near my grandmother’s house, how they’d pop their heads up and down in the water.

  But the turtles could survive it. They were meant to be underwater for long periods of time. We were not. While I knew Noah’s experience as a diver and general love for water meant he had swimmer’s lungs, every time his head dipped under the water, my heart lurched.

  Please. Please. Please.

  I was utterly silent as I watched them grow closer, holding my breath until I could hold it no longer. As they reached a point where Noah looked like he was preparing to stand, I hurried toward them, grabbing under one of James’s arms and helping Noah pull him ashore.

  He was freezing cold, but I told myself it could’ve been because of the water. I didn’t dare ask, just let Noah catch his breath as we moved him to dry sand.

  Noah knelt down over him, lowering his ear to James’s mouth. I watched his expression, holding my breath again.

  Please. Please. Please.

  He nodded, sending relief soaring through me. “He’s alive,” he said. His hand went to James’s neck. “I can feel a pulse… He’s breathing.”

  “Why won’t he wake?” I put a hand to James’s forehead, running my palm across the side of his face. “James? James? Can you hear us? Wake up.” I looked at Noah. “Is he hurt?”

  He looked just as confused as I felt and shook his head. “I have no idea.” I began moving his legs, eyeing them for any signs of dama
ge. I lifted his shirt carefully, fearful I’d have to relive what I had with Harry, but that appeared fine as well. As I ran my hands over him, checking him for any wounds, he seemed to stir, his eyelashes batting as his eyelids fluttered open. He looked around, obviously confused, and jolted up.

  “What the—”

  “Hey,” Noah said, trying to keep him from sitting up. “You’re okay… You’re okay. Just breathe.”

  James looked at us with wide eyes, his body tensing as he fought us off of him. “Ava?”

  Noah glanced at me, his brows raised slightly, and I broke eye contact, terrified to deliver the news. “I’m so sorry, James…”

  “No,” he argued, shaking his head, his water-logged features crumpling with despair. He ran a hand through his hair. “No. It can’t… She can’t.” We let him stand, watching as he ran past us toward the water, his sobs heart-wrenching. “Please no. Please, Ava. Please don’t do this to me.” He fell to his knees in the crashing waves, his hands covering his eyes.

  Together, Noah and I approached him. I tried to figure out what the best way to handle him would be. Should we give him his space? Let him know he’s not alone? Let him know we didn’t blame him and that he did all he could?

  I still hadn’t figured out what James’s sudden reappearance meant going forward either. Would the three of us be able to live together peacefully? Would we be able to move on from all that had happened?

  As the only woman on an island with two men, I felt fear bristle inside me. If anything ever happened to Noah, it would leave me alone with just James. Did I trust him enough?

  Still wrestling with my wild and competing thoughts as we approached him, I watched Noah rest a hand on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, man. You did all you could—”

  “No,” he shouted, his voice loud and aggressive. “I didn’t. I didn’t do everything. You should’ve helped me. We could’ve saved her, but you wouldn’t. You didn’t care.”

  “Now that’s not fair,” I said. “We did care about Ava, but the way you went about things wasn’t right. We would’ve figured something out, but you nee—”

  “No!” he shouted again, standing up suddenly and running away from us toward the fire. “She’d still be here if you’d fought harder for her.”

  “James, wait!”

  He reached the fire first, with us just behind, and bent down. I stopped short, my hands going to the air as I realized what he was doing.

  “No!” I gasped loudly. He grabbed the gun from the ground, turning around and firing a shot without a second’s hesitation. BANG.

  I braced myself for the impact, my body tightening, eyes squeezed shut, but it was Noah who cried out in pain. I spun around, staring at him as deep red began to pool from his calf. He placed his hand over the wound, crimson staining his hands and the sand around his leg.

  It all happened in slow motion. One moment he was looking at his leg, and the next he’d launched forward, shoving me out of the way as I heard another shot. When I opened my eyes, sitting up on the sand and scrambling toward where they were wrestling, Noah was on top of James, trying and failing to push the gun out of his hand.

  “Drop…it,” he demanded through gritted teeth, his face red.

  “This is all your fault. Her death is on your hands,” James argued back through his tears, keeping a vice-like grip on the weapon. My heart thudded in my chest as I looked around for a way to end the fight. Where was my machete? Where was another gun?

  In the distance, where we’d slept, I could see them both and my heart sank. I didn’t have time to make it there and back, but Noah’s life depended on me making a decision. And fast.

  A gunshot rang out again, the bullet grazing some trees off to our side, and I flinched. Finally, I saw what I needed. Lying next to the fire was a pile of spears we’d crafted to catch fish. I hurried around them, grateful they weren’t paying attention to me, and scooped up what looked like the sharpest spear.

  I was really going to do this. I was really going to kill him.

  I forced myself to feel the words, to let them weigh on my conscience as I ran back toward the men, raising the spear high over my head without allowing for any hesitation. I shoved Noah with all my weight, giving me access to James, while at the same time plummeting the spear straight into his neck. Something soft and fleshy. I knew if I hit bone before an artery, this wouldn’t work. It wouldn’t be strong enough. Ava had taught us that.

  James’s eyes lit up with horror, and I could swear, the second before the tip connected with him, I saw relief.

  Maybe that’s just what I wanted to believe. What I needed to believe to keep standing.

  He dropped the gun, and Noah and I leapt back, staring at the horror of what I had done. I felt bile rise in my throat, spewing out of my mouth in an instant, my entire body trembling with adrenaline. James’s hands flailed about, attempting to grab the spear, trying and failing to pull it loose as blood gushed out at an alarming rate.

  Behind me, Noah was out of breath. He kicked the gun farther away from James with his bad leg, then collapsed onto the ground. I forced myself to calm down, squeezing my hands into fists.

  I didn’t have time to panic. Noah needed me. I pulled my shirt over my head, hurrying toward him and wrapping it around his calf. I applied pressure to the gunshot wound and exit wound at once.

  He was paler than usual, his eyes haunted and pained.

  “I don’t think it hit an artery,” I told him, trying not to focus on the sounds of James’s gasping, dying breaths behind us. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I’d killed someone. I’d actually killed someone. “You’re going to be okay.” I wanted it to be true. Needed it to be true. But I had no idea if it actually was. Harry would know, but Harry was not there. The white shirt stained red under my palms, and I pressed down harder.

  His smile was faint, and I knew he was trying to seem braver than he felt. He tilted his chin toward the shirt, breathless. “Is this…your way of returning my gift?”

  Tears filled my eyes as I laughed. “You saved me with it, now I’m saving you.”

  He placed his hands on mine, and I looked up at him, our eyes connecting in a moment of passion. “You’re going to be okay,” he said, sadness at the edge of his expression.

  “I know. We both are. Everything’s going to be okay. We just have to get this wound healed up, and you’ll be set.” I needed him to believe me, but I could see that he didn’t.

  He gently nudged my hand back from the wound, letting the shirt fall away. Despite my best efforts, the bleeding hadn’t slowed. I tried to wrap the shirt back around his leg but he shook his head, stopping me. “Go back to your husband, Katy. Go back home and have a beautiful life. Just…think about me occasionally.” He tried to offer a playful smile, but I saw through it.

  “What are you talking about?” I shook my head, fighting with him to put the shirt back over the wound. “This is not a fatal wound. The bullet went through your leg. We just have to stop the bleeding, and then it’ll heal. Don’t talk like that…”

  He pushed my hand away again, his face serious. “Even if you get it to stop bleeding, we have no antibiotic supplies, no gauze, no way to sterilize our hands or bandages. Back in the real world, I’d probably be fine. But we aren’t in the real world, and I’m not going to make you watch me die a slow, miserable death of blood poisoning or infection. We aren’t amputating my leg out here; this isn’t Lost.” He ran a hand over my hair, tucking it behind my ear. “We had a good run, kiddo. I couldn’t have asked for a better place, or a better person, to spend my last days with.”

  Tears poured out of my eyes, my body trembling with grief. “This isn’t what I want, Noah. I want you. I want this. You can’t die. You can’t leave me. Please.”

  He sniffled, his smile patronizing. “I wouldn’t if I had a choice.” He scoffed. “I’d never leave you if I had a choice. But I won’t let you watch me die. Not like this.” He gestured toward his leg. “I’m sorry. I’m not giving yo
u the choice here. Just…” He looked down. “Can I give you a kiss to remember me?”

  I leaned forward, pressing my lips to his as my tears fell against his cheeks. My chest was tight with anguish. I didn’t feel capable of withstanding any more loss. How could anyone handle this much pain?

  “I don’t want to lose you.”

  He rubbed his nose against mine gently, pressing our foreheads together. “I’m supposed to say something cheesy about how I’ll always be in your heart or something, aren’t I?”

  I laughed through my tears, and when I pulled away, he placed his hand to his mouth, tossing a handful of berries inside of it. “Wait! Not right now! You have to give me time. We need to talk about this… To think it over. You can’t just—”

  He was already chewing. “If I think about it or talk about it anymore, if I spend one more second with you, I’ll change my mind.” He swallowed, tossing in another handful and chewing it just as quickly. His eyes filled with new tears, and I wrapped my arms around him, holding him against me as I sobbed.

  “I’ll never forget you,” I swore to him. “Never.”

  “You’d better not.” He kissed my forehead again, pushing me away from him carefully and attempting to stand up.

  “Where are you going?” I asked.

  “For a swim,” he said. “One last time… It’s, well, before I met you, it was my favorite place to be. My favorite thing to do. I want to be in the water when I go.” I swallowed, trying to slow my tears. I needed to say so much to him. I needed to hold him. I needed him to hold me.

  “Hey,” he said, placing a finger under my chin, “you did it. You won. You get to go home now and eat sushi and drink wine and take bubble baths and…probably pay way too much for therapy about all of this.” He gave a dry laugh. “You’re going to be okay now.”

  “I would’ve chosen to stay here with you a thousand times over this.”

  “I know,” he said, “and I would’ve been selfish and let you. But now…now neither of us have to choose. I think I love you, Katy.”