Awkwafina's NYC

by Nora Lum

  Copyright © 2015 by Nora Lum

  Photographs copyright © 2015 by Elyssa Goodman

  Maps and illustrations copyright © 2015 by Jaeil Cho (www.mindstheprison.com)

  All rights reserved.

  Published in the United States by Potter Style, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.

  www.crownpublishing.com

  www.clarksonpotter.com

  POTTER STYLE and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House LLC.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Lum, Nora.

  Awkwafina’s NYC / Nora Lum. — First edition.

  1. New York (N.Y.)—Description and travel. 2. Lum, Nora—Travel—New York (State)—New York. I. Title.

  F128.55.L86 2014

  917.47′10444—dc23 2013050454

  ISBN 978-0-8041-8536-3

  eBook ISBN 978-0-8041-8537-0

  Cover design by Stephanie Huntwork

  Cover photographs: Elyssa Goodman

  v3.1

  For my great-grandfather, Jimmy Lum, who

  settled our family in the best city in the world

  THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING:

  A SPOKEN-WORD JOURNEY

  I should have peed

  Before I left.

  But instead,

  I stand before you,

  Screaming tourist babies

  And all.

  If phallacious was a word,

  It would describe you best.

  Also the words

  Tall and metal.

  You are

  Kind of a big deal

  Like Bonnie Raitt

  Or

  Frasier.

  Except Frasier

  Does not have

  Mass-produced foam replicas of himself.

  Your guardians

  Wear maroon suits

  With little hats.

  Kind of like the one Joe Pesci wore

  In the provocative film

  My Cousin Vinny.

  Inside, you are basically

  A shitload

  Of velvet ropes

  Positioned

  In a ridiculously complicated line.

  It is kind of like

  A Six Flags in hell.

  Next is

  A bag check

  A body X-ray and

  A tasteful pat-down.

  Kind of like

  The airport.

  Except

  There is no Cabo

  Or shirtless tan

  Man dancers

  On the other side.

  When I reach the ticket booth

  I pay.

  To climb you.

  And for $10 more

  I can get

  A map.

  Next

  A very

  Assertive guardian

  Jams like

  Fifty of us of us

  Into an elevator

  That talks

  In different languages.

  The elevator

  Goes ten floors at a time.

  And

  Other than the hot breaths

  Of a person I’ve never met

  Fluttering against

  The nape of my neck,

  It’s a pretty cool

  Ride.

  On your observation deck

  I elbow through.

  When I finally get

  A good view

  I’m like

  Damn.

  I should Instagram

  This shit.

  CONTENTS

  THE PLACE WHERE BEN FRANKLIN PROBABLY POOPED, OR HOW STATEN ISLAND WON MY COLD, DEAD, JUDGMENTAL HEART TOUR

  THE MEN IN BLACK TOUR

  THE BRIGHTON BEACH MEMOIRS TOUR: THE JOURNEY TO SHEEPSHEAD BAY ADVENTURE

  THE NEW OLD GREENPOINT ADVENTURE

  THE REAL LITTLE ITALY: THE BRONX ADVENTURE

  THE WASHINGTON HEIGHTS ADVENTURE

  THE “MR. WONG FU, I DON’T THINK WE’RE IN KANSAS ANYMORE” TOUR OF FLUSHING, QUEENS

  THE KOREATOWN BARCRAWL

  THE DOUBLE DOG DARES AND INAPPROPRIATE PHOTOGRAPHY ON THE UPPER WEST SIDE TOUR: A LIVE-ACTION GAME OF COJONES

  THE SATCHMO AND I STILL LOVE YOU JASON RODRIGUEZ TOUR

  Acknowledgments

  Index

  FIVE BEST SPOTS FOR

  PEOPLE-WATCHING

  In a place as congested as New York City, people-watching is an unavoidable activity. Depending on where you are in the city, it can be an incredibly fascinating and eye-opening experience, whether you see a homeless man who has just peed himself or a hipster wearing a vest made out of uncooked macaroni and things that he found in the garbage.

  Here are the greatest venues for the best free shows in town.

  1UNION SQUARE

  Union Square is Mecca for freaky, unnecessary people. Taking a seat on a bench or on the steps of the square itself, expect a ratchet parade of everything from the overdressed to the-oh-my-god-is-that-guy-really-paying-people-a-dollar-to-smell-their-farts.

  2SOHO OFF LAFAYETTE STREET

  SoHo is home to some of the most pimped-out residential lofts in the city, as well as a large modeling and fashion crowd. While the intersection of Broadway and Prince is far too crowded and commercial, people-watching off Lafayette Street is a highly efficient way of staring enviously into the vacant eyes of contract models who work in the surrounding buildings. SoHo is also fertile ground for celebrity sightings since many high-profile stars live in the neighborhood.

  If you’re super desperate for some more skin, head farther west toward the NYU athletic center on Mercer Street for troops of sweaty, shirtless men who spray themselves with water bottles as they jog right out of your life.

  3BEDFORD AVENUE, WILLIAMSBURG SECTION

  Williamsburg is kind of a big NYC joke at this point. It is arguably the most gentrified neighborhood in the city, known to most New Yorkers as a place where hipsters and artists run rampant. As a result, Bedford Avenue is basically a (sometimes unbearable) fashion show, a congested thoroughfare where similarly styled denizens who are all trying way too hard to be cool walk quickly past each other pretending not to take note of each other’s shoes and outerwear.

  4BEDFORD AVENUE, CROWN HEIGHTS SECTION

  Crown Heights’ tight-knit and fascinating community of Hasidic Jews makes for amazing people-watching. Sure, some would say that this is an intrusion upon their privacy, but hey, the best part about people-watching is that it’s done on public property. Taking a long stroll through the boisterous enclave on the south end of Bedford Avenue is an out-of-body experience that includes crazy displays of fashion, hair, hats, and minivans. What’s refreshing about this community on Bedford Avenue is its ability to exist peacefully and seemingly undisturbed by the society around it.

  5TIMES SQUARE

  As a native New Yorker, I try very hard to avoid visiting this area at all costs. Sure, it was fun as a wide-eyed teen who considered TGI Fridays to be haute cuisine and PacSun to be luxury fashion (I was a terrible person back then). As a young adult, I’d say the most fulfilling aspect of visiting Times Square is being overwhelmed with the people there. Times Square people-watching shouldn’t be directed at the tourists who flood the streets, but rather at the slightly deranged characters who set up “shop” for the visitors’ entertainment. These would include the array of furries, men dressed as superheroes, the aging and mildly depressing Naked Cowboy, the African American naked cowboy, and the freaky betch who can stand still like the Statue of Liberty.

  THE ADVENTURE

  An intense and ridiculously historical walking tour of the lovely waterside town of Tottenville, caked with (mostly positive) WTF-ery, ending
at a haunted house built in the seventeenth century where Ben Franklin once slept and most likely took a dump.

  HISTORY

  Tottenville is home to the largest pre-European burial ground in New York City (Burial Ridge).

  It was also a place of incredible significance during the American Revolution (and colonial times in general).

  Once known for “the best oysters in the world,” it gave way to a sprawling maritime industry pioneered by John Totten in the 1800s.

  Into the twentieth century, its industry shifted to smelting and oil refining, and included the (former) Atlantic Terra Cotta Company.

  Based in Tottenville, the Atlantic Terra Cotta Co. provided all the materials for the Flatiron and Woolworth Buildings.

  ADVENTURE BACKGROUND

  ALL RIGHT, LET ME JUST PUT IT ALL OUT THERE. Staten Island, tied only with New Jersey, is the kind of glorious butt-end of many bad and overused native New Yorker jokes. In our irrational minds, we don’t just go to Staten Island—we take a freakin’ boat across a freakin’ body of water, then take a bus for an indeterminate/unappealing amount of time … or spend upwards of $7,000 on a taxi driver who will probably roll his eyes when asked to schlep us out there from Times Square during rush hour right before he was about to grab dinner.

  Glorified by VH1’s Mob Wives and The Godfather as a place where people go to “sleep with the fishes,” Staten Island, compared to its borough siblings, doesn’t have the best rep in town. What I’ve learned, however, is that all that shit-talking has successfully closed off a charming, otherworldly, and welcoming borough with a dense and jaw-dropping history—rich enough to make even the worst critic a little less ignorant.

  *SCIENTIFICALLY JANKY yet

  HIGHLY BELIEVABLE FACTOID

  START

  Take the 1 train to South Ferry or the R train to Whitehall; see large, blue, over-the-top-fonted sign reading STATEN ISLAND FERRY.

  Depending on the time of day and the day of the week, the ferry should be running every thirty minutes. The true Staten Islanders will be waiting calmly four centimeters away from the large glass gates at the ferry. Try to get to the terminal at a quarter to the hour. If you’re true to your descending road to alcoholism, feel free to grab an actual margarita at the most random and WTF-is-this-really-a-bar on the lower level.

  On the ferry, you can be a killjoy and angrily Facebook-stalk in the enclosed indoor seating areas like a true local. If you’re a picture person, butt elbows with the surprisingly aggressive and ever-present French and Asian tourists on the front end or perimeters of the boat. See that thing? That’s Jersey City. Oh who dat betch over there? THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.

  Ferry was good? Drunk from your random margarita? Good. Here, folks, is where things get weird.

  Make a right out of the gates for boarding THE STATEN ISLAND SUBWAY SYSTEM. Let me repeat: STATEN ISLAND HAS A SUBWAY SYSTEM. One more thing: STATEN ISLAND’S SUBWAY SYSTEM LOOKS LIKE THE REAL SUBWAY. Last one, I promise: THE STATEN ISLAND SUBWAY SYSTEM IS CRAY ONLY IN THE FACT THAT STATEN ISLAND HAS A SUBWAY SYSTEM.

  As someone who has been living in this great city my whole life, I was sufficiently mind-blown when I boarded the Staten Island subway. This stroke-inducing awe may not be the natural reaction for most, but come on, guys, STATEN ISLAND HAS A SUBWAY SYSTEM.

  On this adventure, we’re riding this bad mamma jamma THE WHOLE WAY.

  Get off at Tottenville Station.

  CHECKPOINT 1

  MAIN STREET

  and the giant, decaying, and gutted-out theater with a graffitied sign that reads FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL 1-800-GLEN.

  Exit the outdoor platform at Main Street.

  Walk one block down Main Street toward Conference Court.

  Built in 1925, this thespian establishment, called the Stadium Theatre, has been used for various period-specific entertainment since its original construction. The last film screening was in the late fifties; then it sat empty until the cocaine–and–Jackson Browne–heavy days of the seventies. The Stadium Theatre reopened as a concert hall and then a funky roller-skating rink until it shut its doors in 1980. A playground for bored middle-schoolers and urban adventurers who sneak in and blaze up in the evening hours, the theater wholeheartedly represents, in an epic way, the glory that once was the now quiet and neglected Main Street.

  If you look across the street, note the freaky Masonic Temple.

  Turn left onto Amboy Road.

  Some people get thrills from house-peeping, and if you’re one of them, this strip will definitely get the blood flowing. The houses that aren’t marred with gaudy granite steps and unnecessary stone cherubs were built by various men of prominence around the time of the American Revolution. From the Tottenville Library—built by Andrew Carnegie(’s money)—to John Totten’s house, these prehistoric gems will either give you the creeps, make you nostalgic, or make you jealous because you live in an illegally converted two-bedroom railroad underneath a loud Afro-punk producer who wakes you up every single morning at nine a.m. with a djembe. Fortunately, thanks to NYC regulations around historical landmarks, these houses will continue to be protected from marble lions and those stone acornlike statues that look like ribbed butt plugs.

  NOTE: The Tottenville Historical Society, founded by Linda Hauck (now the director of the society), offers an extremely detailed house-by-house run-through as a downloadable PDF that can be found at www.tottenvillehistory.com/walking-tour-1940.html enabling you to type in various addresses to see how old a house is and who built it.

  EGGER’S ICE CREAM PARLOR

  CHECKPOINT 2

  EGGER’S ICE CREAM PARLOR

  Continue on Amboy Road.

  Here’s the difference between Egger’s ice cream and the bodega stuff you binge on in the night: one of them is thick real ice cream and transports you to the olden days, where things were easier and ice cream was a family-oriented American pastime, and the other is an impulsive necessity to Netflix watching and/or feeding your low self-esteem. Stop here for a scoop of that iced and creamed swag and note the $.25 bundles of old-timey candies in glass jars and baseball cards for sale.

  BIDDLE HOUSE

  CHECKPOINT 3

  THE BIDDLE HOUSE

  Reverse on Amboy Road toward Brighton Street.

  Turn left onto Main Street.

  Walk down Main Street toward Hylan Boulevard.

  Turn right onto Hylan Boulevard.

  Turn right onto Satterlee Street.

  In its heyday, Tottenville offered ferry service between the island and the probably underrated town of Perth Amboy in New Jersey across the bay. Henry Hogg Biddle operated this ferry and built himself a cute colonial number between 1840 and 1845. It’s now parks department property, and you can actually walk right up to the house.

  CONFERENCE HOUSE

  ENDPOINT

  THE CONFERENCE HOUSE

  Reverse on Satterlee Street.

  Walk until you reach Conference House.

  Let’s face it, ya’ll, nothing makes you feel more American than visiting a place where Ben Franklin probably went number two. Can we be honest for a sec? This is the man who invented THE ENGLISH STOVE. This is a man whose face is on A HUNDO DOLLA BILL—the bill Grandma gives you on your birthday, the bill that resembles “making it” in the most idealistic way.

  What say you to a bit of history? The Conference House was built in 1680 and originally occupied by Captain Christopher Billopp, a tyrannical officer of the Royal Navy. After being ratted out to the revolutionists by a female house servant, Billopp killed the servant by throwing her down the stairs. Through the years, occupants and staff working in the house have reported seeing a young woman standing by the window.

  Take a tour of this house, offered by the Conference House Museum. For the full schedule, visit www.conferencehouse.org.

  DETOURS

  The Conference House is situated on park grounds that if followed will eventually open up to swamplands. Various trails (that are also highl
y bikeable) will lead to the beaches of Raritan Bay (DON’T SWIM IN THE WATER).

  If you’re hungry, follow the route back onto Amboy Road to Reggiano’s. They have truffled pizza, alcohol, and pasta.

  Write Your Own

  HISTORY OF

  Staten Island

  The borough of Staten Island is shaped like a giant (noun), at (number) (unit of measurement) long and (number) (unit of measurement) wide. Given its (adjective) landscape and large size, Staten Island is also the city’s least-populated borough, making it a kind of distant (relative) of the city.

  Staten Island was first (verb, past tense) by Giovanni da Verrazzano, which is why the only bridge that (verb) Staten Island to NYC bears his name. The Dutch settled the island in 1630, resulting in a number of (adjective) clashes with the island’s native tribes.

  The borough played an incredibly (adjective) role in the Revolutionary War, serving as a strategic lookout point for George Washington and his fellow (noun, plural). It was also the site of the infamous Conference House meeting, where Benjamin Franklin and John Adams (verb, past tense) and exchanged (noun, plural) with the royal army in an attempt to free colonists from British rule.

  In 1948, a (adjective) temporary landfill was built in the western part of the borough. Over the next few (time measurement, plural), however, the landfill became NYC’s principal dump site.

  THE ADVENTURE

  This tour covers a secret passageway to Flushing Meadows Park and manifold wonders including decay porn; aggressive geese; benches; in-your-face glimpses of Arthur Ashe Stadium and Citi Field; grassy knolls; AND THE SPACESHIPS FROM MEN IN BLACK.