Awkwafina's NYC

by Nora Lum

But I say, fuck that (noun)

  Pull over by the (place).

  Hipster (body part) market

  Feeling on these (social subgroup)

  Despite the smell of (body part).

  The (adjective) ones are (profession).

  It’s obvious they (adjective),

  Your (adjective) art

  Don’t (verb) (noun plural).

  It eats (food).

  New York City, (noun),

  That’s where I (verb) from,

  Not where I (verb) from

  on (person) and (person)’s trust fund.

  New York City, bitch,

  That’s how I’m ______ (verb).

  You out-of-state ______ (noun) get your (noun) stolen.

  AWKWAFINA’S

  TOP CHINESE

  FOOD JOINTS

  IN NYC

  Most Chinese Americans born and raised in NYC were subjected as children to the most ratchet foods ever known to man. It is a kind of double identity for them, the kids who ate Dunkaroos at school, then chicken feet at Sunday dim sum. The youngins who were force-fed things like fermented tofu, a pig’s fallopian tube, and the most unnecessary assortment of tripe.

  For me personally, my Chinese food tour of New York City has been an ongoing experience. In no particular order, here is a list of some my favorite Chinese restaurants.

  TAIWANESE GOURMET

  (84-02 Broadway, Queens)

  Taiwanese Gourmet used to be called David’s, and it is my top choice for Chinese food in all of the five boroughs. My definition of “top choice” is subjective, of course, since it specializes in authentic and (sometimes questionable) dishes, such as two versions of poached intestines, a marinated pig’s ear, Zesty Intestine in Hot Pot, and something called Blood Rice Cake.

  The beautiful thing about Taiwanese Gourmet is that it is open most days of the week until two a.m. and blasts the same Taiwanese pop song in an endless, maniacal loop. Its more complicated dishes can get a little pricey, though large combination plates like pork chops/shredded beef/fried chicken over rice go for only $4.25.

  GREAT NY NOODLETOWN

  (28 Bowery, at Bayard Street)

  Noodletown is a dingy, fluorescent-lit establishment that is astonishingly busy at all hours of the night. It is the ultimate late-night eatery, specializing in $5 bowls of ridiculously tasty wonton noodle soup with shrimp.

  Decapitated ducks and slabs of roast pork hang festively from its foggy and grime-stained window, and there are always four to five waiters on the floor. Noodletown’s over-rice dishes are also popular (and cheap), with toppings such as sliced roast pork and duck. Noodletown also offers seasonal specials like certain kinds of oversized fish and soft-shelled crabs.

  NAN XIANG DUMPLING HOUSE

  (38-12 Prince Street, Queens)

  Nan Xiang, previously mentioned in the Flushing, Queens, tour, is known for serving arguably the best soup dumplings in the entire city. Nan Xiang’s story is similar to that of Xi’an, as it began in a small storefront off Main Street in Flushing and has gone on to gain incredible recognition and a Michelin recommendation. Its regular pork buns are only $5.50 an order, with a crabmeat option at $6.50.

  PEOPLES PEOPLE RESTAURANT

  (41-27 Main Street, Queens)

  Peoples is another Flushing restaurant that was originally located on Prince Street. It has since moved to downtown Flushing, or farther south of all the congestion, and is considered to be one of the ultimate Chinese breakfast spots.

  The typical Chinese breakfast consists of dipping a fried and fluffy bread stick into a bowl of warm and sweet soybean milk. Other dishes include soft chunks of tofu that are either filled with sweet syrup or mixed with scallions and soy sauce.

  LAM ZHOU HANDMADE NOODLES

  (144 East Broadway)

  Judging a book by its cover in NYC usually results in being sung to against your will by some perky, stupidly dressed waiter at the Russian Tea Room. True New Yorkers know that the best places to eat are usually the janky holes-in-the-wall with lines out the door.

  When you look up the phrase hole-in-the-wall, Lam Zhou is the JPEG that appears underneath. It is a tiny shittle of a restaurant that specializes in ridiculously authentic noodle soups (its most popular dish is the beef noodle soup for $5). Their noodles, as implied by their name, are made by hand and wondrously doughier and softer than most. In other news, they also sell an order of TWELVE fried or boiled dumplings for a measly $3.

  WO HOP

  (17 Mott Street)

  It would be a sin to talk about NYC Chinese food without giving mention to one of the most revered eateries in the city. Wo Hop is located in the heart of Manhattan’s Chinatown and represents the ultimate Chinese-American restaurant. Eating at Wo Hop is an atmospheric experience, one that epitomizes New York City more than anything else. It serves the most basic kind of Chinese takeout cuisine at extremely pocket-friendly prices. Among their best dishes are the chow mein and fried wontons.

  BAOHAUS

  (East Village location—238 East Fourteenth Street)

  Baohaus is undoubtedly one of a kind in New York City, representing the ultimate cultural hybrid of Taiwanese street food and urban American street life. Their buns have fun names like the Chairman Bao and the Uncle Jesse Bao.

  One of its most unique is the Coffin Bao, a Chinese love child of the Taiwanese specialty and Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles. A piece of fried chicken is stuffed into a square hole cut into a man tou (Chinese white-bread bun) with drizzles of condensed milk in the place of syrup. Seriously, can I die right now? Other fun and ridonkulously delicious items include taro fries and Taiwanese beverages (like ai yu–seed lemonade and Chinese root beer) called “FOB Drinks.”

  XI’AN FAMOUS FOODS

  (East Village location—81 Saint Mark’s Place)

  Xi’an used to be a well-kept secret in NYC. Its original location was a dinky two-hundred-square-foot store in the Golden Shopping Mall in Flushing, Queens. When it first opened, it was one of the only establishments in the city that served authentic dishes from the Xi’an region of China. It is best known for its liangpi “cold skin” noodles that are sold in an express takeout fashion, as they would be in the city of Xi’an itself. Other popular items include spicy lamb soup and the Xi’an burger, a meat-filled delight smushed between homemade flatbread.

  With plans to open its newest location on the Upper West Side, Xi’an has expanded to four locations in three boroughs since 2005.

  HOW TO EAT A

  SOUP DUMPLING

  I see you soup dumpling newbs, the wide-eyed amateurs looking helplessly at their token Chinese friend sitting across the table. Eating soup dumplings can be a hazardous task, because we’re dealing with both scalding soup and scalding steam. So, if you intend to save your upper lip and tongue from the burn while also keeping the dumpling in one piece, please follow these instructions:

  1 Use your chopsticks to GENTLY grab the dumpling by its butthole-like opening. This is one of the most important steps in the process, as a failed grab results in a broken and leaking bun.

  2 Put the dumpling onto your soup spoon, butthole up.

  3 Pour a small amount of the soy sauce/vinegar/scallion concoction that comes with the dumplings onto the butthole opening.

  CAUTION: This is the tricky part. Cool the dumpling down for a few seconds and when you feel the time is right, take a small bite out of the top of the dumpling, tiny enough to avoid contact with the meat ball, yet deep enough to expose the inside of the bun.

  4 Bring your lips around the opening and lightly suck out the soup inside. The soup will be hot but also ridiculously amazing.

  5 After the majority of the soup is done, add some more sauce or just dig in. The bun should be less dangerously steamy by now.

  THE ADVENTURE

  Welcome to Koreatown, primarily one block of love and neon signs that is basically Seoul wrapped in a tiny, exotically odored box.

  HISTORY

  Korean
immigration to the city began after the passing of the Hart-Celler Immigration Act in 1965.

  This act amended a previous law that placed heavy restrictions on immigration from non-European countries.

  Koreatown formed in the late 1970s with the opening of Koryo Books, the first Korean-owned business on the block.

  Koreatown is located at an incredibly congested intersection, wedged in between the Empire State Building and Madison Square Garden.

  Korean immigrants were attracted to the centrality of this area, where they began a slow and steady real estate invasion.

  The businesses that exist today include grocers, bars, nightclubs, banks, restaurants, and offices.

  ADVENTURE BACKGROUND

  THE K-TOWN BAR CRAWL is obviously a night thing. It is probably the schwastiest tour in this entire book in that alcohol ingestion is inevitable and encouraged. After finishing the tour, it will become obvious that the nightlife scene here is NO JOKE.

  START

  Take the F, M, B, R, N, D, or Q train to Thirty-fourth Street, Herald Square.

  Walk south on Broadway.

  Make a left onto Thirty-second Street

  CHECKPOINT 1

  WOORIJIP

  Walk down Thirty-second Street toward Fifth Avenue.

  Woorijip, pronounced “OO-REE-JEEP,” translates to “Our Home” in English and is well lit like a gynecologist’s office. During the day, it is a popular lunch spot for nine-to-fivers partial to a mean hot-foods buffet.

  At night, Woorijip gets surprisingly sloppy, as groups of young people attempt to get as drunk as possible to avoid spending all of their money at the bars. Woorijip is perhaps the perfect pregame spot because you can purchase individual cans of beer or small bottles of sake or soju much like you would at a 7-Eleven, with a catch—YOU CAN DRINK THERE.

  TIP: Do it like a local and purchase a beer and a small bottle of soju. Look, some of the bottles have Psy on them. The cashier will supply you with tiny plastic cups after verifying your age. Pour the soju into the cup, blast it into your beer, and VOILÀ, you’re reliving that time you sake-bombed with a transvestite hooker named Charlise.

  BBQ!

  CHECKPOINT 2

  MISS KOREA BBQ

  Walk toward Fifth Avenue on Thirty-second Street.

  I had my doubts about this place when I was first introduced to it. I guess it’s in my nature to feel suspicious about a bougie, overdecorated restaurant with an indoor cobblestone walkway and a stereo system in the women’s restroom. Besides, what kind of name is Miss Korea? Are they trying to be humorous? Did a non-English-speaking person choose that name by accident? What if there was a place called Miss America—wouldn’t that be like the grossest restaurant ever?

  Interior decorating aside, I was surprised at how on point Miss Korea’s food was. To this day, it is the best barbecue I have ever had on the strip. Despite its “lavish” décor (they actually purchased one of those full-sized mannequin lamps; it’s located near a large fake rock), Miss Korea is definitely not overpriced. A barbecue dinner for a table of four typically costs as little as $60.

  I just want to mention that the most amazing thing that happens at almost all Korean restaurants is when they give you a huge selection of COMPLIMENTARY appetizers that are INCLUDED with your meal. Let me just repeat that these dishes are COMPLIMENTARY, as in FREE. These dishes can range from kimchi, dried anchovies, spicy cucumber slices, and fried tofu to bean sprouts, fish cakes, spinach salad, and sometimes a raw egg. Oh, did I mention they were complimentary?

  If you’re a Korean food newbie: If you dig deep enough, Korean food can get pretty intense with the fermentation and variety of disturbing animal parts that sneak into your stew.

  CHECKPOINT 3

  POCHA 32

  Walk down Thirty-second Street toward Broadway.

  Pocha 32 is located on the second floor of 15 West Thirty-second Street.

  Pocha 32 is one of the more modest places in Koreatown, with an uncharacteristic lack of purple vibrating sofas, Middle Eastern–themed throw pillows, and really stupid lamps. Instead, it is a kitschy and thoroughly charming restaurant and pub draped from floor to ceiling with fisherman’s nets.

  Unlike the clubbier destinations on this tour, Pocha 32 is way less turnt. It is the perfect place to have a drink over a polite conversation where you’re not ear-shouting or being felt up accidentally.

  CHECKPOINT 4

  THIRD FLOOR “CAFÉ”

  Continue on Thirty-second Street toward Fifth Avenue.

  At Fifth Avenue, make a slight right.

  Third Floor Café is located on the Third Floor of 315 Fifth Avenue.

  If Pocha is the quiet neighborhood watering hole, Third Floor is its ratchet, alcoholic sister who wakes up in a Petland with an X-rated facial tattoo after a night of raging. If crowds aren’t your thing, I suggest that you don’t even bother with this one.

  The fact that Third Floor is actually referred to as a “café” is proof that whoever is naming things in Koreatown needs to cop himself a dictionary. Third Floor is basically everything you’d expect to find at a wild and crazy nightclub in Seoul, except it’s less than a third of the size and doesn’t have a dance floor. It was furnished with the same bougie intentions as most of its neighbors and can end up being very expensive after a long night of Jäger bombs and fruit platters.

  What you will notice hanging out at Third Floor Café, however, is that everyone there seems to know each other. As otherworldly as it may appear, Third Floor is nothing more than a hangout for the locals.

  CHECKPOINT 5

  THE CELLAR BAR AND LOUNGE

  (below IchiUmi)

  Walk to Thirty-second Street and turn right.

  Ichiumi is located at 6 East Thirty-second Street between Fifth Avenue and Madison Avenue.

  The Cellar Bar is located below a gigantic, fancy seafood restaurant called IchiUmi. It is roomier than Third Floor Café, with a small dance floor and more gaudy couches to sit on while you wait for your $150 Jameson bottle service. If you’re lucky, two scantily clad shot girls will be promoting some kind of alcohol with free samples and magnets.

  5 BAR KARAOKE

  ENDPOINT

  5 BAR KARAOKE

  Walk down Thirty-second Street toward Fifth Avenue.

  5 Bar Karaoke is located at 38 West Thirty-second Street.

  Scattered across K-town are probably more than eighty-six thousand karaoke bars that are all pretty much the same at the end of the day. Unlike white-people karaoke bars found in neighborhoods like the Lower East Side, Korean karaoke offers you your own private room, which may or may not come with a stripper pole. Their karaoke system is usually baller, with several immense binders holding tens of thousands of constantly updated titles in both Korean AND English.

  Write Your Own

  HISTORY OF

  Manhattan

  Manhattan is nicknamed “the borough that never ” (-s verb) and is the most populous of its four siblings. It is surrounded by the (noun) River to the east and the (noun) River to the west. Manhattan is also one of the wealthiest (noun, plural) in all of (country name).

  Manhattan is named after the Algonquin word for “ (adjective) (noun).” In the (ordinal number) century, it was sold for (number less than twenty) dollars and a couple of (type of jewelry or accessory, plural), among other valuables.

  (male name) da Verrazzano and (male name) Hudson are said to be the first two explorers who (verb, past tense) along the river. Manhattan is now a (type of commodity or industry) and (type of commodity or industry) epicenter of the country.

  Manhattan is revered for its towering (noun, plural) and immense (noun, plural), not to mention a prominent (noun), (noun), and (noun) scene.

  It is arguably the most (adjective) city in the world.

  THE ODD

  CHARACTERS

  YOU MIGHT FIND

  AT UNION SQUARE

  Union Square is a congested clusterfuck of skater boys and BMX enthusiasts, chessm
en, drum circles, protests, farmer’s markets, and acrobatic dancers. The area, specifically Union Square Park, sits atop a major train junction that includes the L, 4, 5, 6, N, Q, and R trains. It is perhaps one of the largest meeting points in Manhattan, uptown enough to be slightly commercial and downtown enough to be (pleasantly) weird as balls.

  MOIRA JOHNSTON, OR THE EAST VILLAGE TOPLESS WOMAN

  Apparently it is legal under New York state law for a woman to be topless in public. Unfortunately only one completely sober woman in the entire city takes full and frequent advantage of this law. Her name is Moira Johnston, and the story goes that she once let the puppies out during a yoga class. The instructor asked her to put her shirt on and she threw a sociopathic tantrum about how guys can do it and girls can’t. A feminist or hard-core grudge holder, she claims to have continued to go topless to this day.

  Right on, Moira! You do you.

  ROMAN THE FART SMELLER

  His title has a bit of a regal ring, wouldn’t you say? Like some kind of superhero knight character out of The Princess Bride, Roman was a frequent cast member of the Asperger’s show that is Union Square before he became all political. During the Occupy Wall Street protests, Roman “crashed the show” by turning his whole butt-related thing into a movement: “face-sitting for peace.”

  RAMBLIN’ BILL

  As the park is frequently the site of protests, movements, and rallies, political awareness is a huge characteristic of Union Square. Of course, this has its ups and downs. It has ups like inciting activism for changing something shitty, like war or AIDS policy, and downs like attracting the crazies who preach endlessly and angrily about their radical political beliefs. Ramblin’ Bill calls himself a “political police agent provocateur” and is somewhere between an extreme socialist and a communist. He looks kind of like a weathered Buffalo Bill and is known to fashion many a large sign with incoherent, urgent political messages. He is also known to ear-shout and wear many pins.