A Desire So Deadly

by Suzanne Young

  “He has nothing to do with this.” I’m trying to sound calm, but inside my heart is racing, adrenaline spiking at the thought of Lucy hurting him. I wonder what he’s thinking. What she’s saying to him.

  “It’s the only way to assure you’ll do what I want. I’m wicked that way. So now that we have a bargaining chip, what exactly did you have in mind at the beach? I assume Harlin is there waiting, drawing pictures or something equally moody.”

  “Why not come here?” I ask, scared to bring her anywhere near Harlin now. She hates him. If she’s willing to kidnap my brother, what would she do to Harlin?

  “And not let you say good-bye to your one truelove? I think not, Elise.” She stops. “Or do you prefer Claire now?”

  “I am Claire,” I say. “And please don’t hurt my brother, Lucy. Please don’t do that to me.”

  She’s quiet long enough for me to think she actually cares. “I’ll see you in twenty minutes,” she says quietly, like I’ve injured her. “Pack a bag—we’ll leave from the beach.” And then the line goes dead.

  Outside there is a crackle of thunder, and I jump. Shadows can control a lot of things, and I’m not surprised when the sky darkens and it starts to rain. Even though I’m stronger now, the light pulsing inside me at a frantic pace, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle Lucy. I close my eyes and try to clear my mind. I don’t want her to read my thoughts, even if I don’t have an actual plan yet. My sister wants me to give up the light, join the Shadows, where we’ll live forever. Even if I didn’t have Harlin—I wouldn’t make that choice. She can’t trick me.

  But she has my brother.

  My hands are shaking as I speed through the dark streets. My windshield wipers squeak against the glass as the rain lets up into a drizzle. The image of my brother hurt and bleeding is blotting out my rational thoughts. She’ll kill him if I don’t go with her. Shadows have no guilt, no remorse. I’m sure Lucy has killed before. It’s part of who she is now. The choice between the light and the Shadows has never been this difficult. I was the one at risk before—only my life in the balance. Now Lucy wants me to choose eternal damnation on earth so that my brother can live. But what she’s really done is make it so that I have no choice at all. I have to destroy her.

  A tear runs down my cheek, and I rub it away as I pull into the parking lot. I have to be tougher. I have to do the right thing. I choke out a laugh, slamming the car gear into park. The right thing. I’ve sacrificed myself every time. I’ve given up everything. How much more can the universe take from me? How much longer can I last?

  I leave the keys in the ignition and race down the sand. Even though it’s still midday, the storm has driven away all the surfers. The sound of the waves echoes as taps of rain dot my skin. I hadn’t looked for Harlin’s bike in the parking lot, and now I’m wondering if he went home. Will I be gone before he gets back?

  Maybe I won’t get to say good-bye. Maybe that’s better for him.

  I hear the crackling of fire, and my heart sinks. Lucy would have no need for fire—she’s not even alive. Harlin must have stayed. I pause and press my fist to my mouth, covering up the scream that’s waiting to escape.

  Claire Becks’s life will end tonight. Oh God. The thought is so painful, so devastating. I’ll lose my mom and dad and brothers. My friends. My future. I won’t see Harlin again, not unless the universe sends me back. But if I extinguish Lucy, there wouldn’t be a reason to send me back. This is the end. But it’s too soon. I squeeze my eyes shut, the tears rolling down. I’m not sure I’ve gathered enough courage to face my sister, when I notice the faint glow.

  At first I think it’s the fire, but then I open my eyes, and I realize it’s me. My skin is glowing softly—the light underneath bright enough to show through. Warmth. Warmth like a hug from a grandmother. Love like only a parent can give.

  The Need—the Need is comforting me. I wrap my arms around myself, letting the light fill me with its energy, its love and bravery. My purpose has never been a selfish one. I’m not here for me. It’s never been about me. As Monroe Swift would have said, Do the right thing, sweetheart. Do it for the greater good.

  I wait a beat, and the glow fades. The light is inside me, ready to burst through and extinguish the Shadows. Now I just have to figure out how to save River before I do.

  Chapter 9

  I round the boulder and see Harlin sitting in the sand in front of a small fire. He’s staring into it, even though I’m sure he sensed me walk up. He doesn’t lift his head when he starts talking.

  “After you left, I thought about what we’d do when this is over. Where we’d go.” He glances up, and the sadness in his eyes guts me. “I thought maybe Portland. My brothers are still there. But then . . . reality came crashing down.”

  My heart breaks; the idea of running off to Portland with Harlin is all I could ever want—something so simple. And impossible.

  “You’re good,” Harlin says with a shrug. “You’re the embodiment of good—you could never leave a Shadow here to hurt other people. You could never just walk away.”

  “Harlin—”

  “I can’t lose you again,” he says, his voice cracking. “I won’t survive it. I’m not as strong as you.”

  “You are,” I say, walking over to kneel in the sand next to him. I grab his arms and wrap them around me. I kiss his cheeks, his mouth. I hold his face and force him to look at me. “And you’ll get through this.” I put my hand over his heart. “I live here, Harlin. I can never really leave you.”

  Without responding, Harlin leans forward to press his lips against mine. It’s a good-bye kiss, one filled with loss and pain. In the distance, we hear the sound of car doors slamming shut. We both turn in that direction, and then Harlin helps me to my feet. He sniffs hard, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.

  “I love you,” he says quietly. “You’ll come back. I choose to believe you’ll come back.”

  I lower my head, wishing I believed it too. Every second that ticks by feels like eternity, and then finally River is the first to emerge from behind the rock. He’s dazed, like he can barely recognize me. He looks like he might fall, but he reaches to steady himself on the boulder.

  “His brain might be a bit scrambled,” Lucy says, walking in behind him. She’s dressed in a tight black dress, her hair slicked back. She glances over to Harlin. “Hey, Seer.”

  Harlin hardens his jaw, his anger plain on his face.

  “Oh, don’t be like that,” Lucy says, waving her hand at him. “At least ask how I am.”

  “That’s the thing,” he says. “I’m not really in the mood for your sadistic games. Just walk away, Lucy. Then everyone survives.”

  “Sweetie,” she says with a fake pout, “I think we both know that’s impossible. But hey, maybe if you weren’t such a miserable failure, we wouldn’t have ended up this way.” She flashes a smile, knowing her comment has wounded him when he lowers his gaze.

  Lucy grabs River by the elbow and takes him across the fire from us. The amber glow from the flames casts shadows on her face while she whispers terrible things in my brother’s ear. River’s eyes slide in my direction, his body sagging against Lucy. For as tall as my brother is, he’s weak next to her. She’s killing him.

  “River has nothing to do with this,” I say, my heart pounding with anticipation of our impending fight. “You wanted me back; well, here I am. Send him home.”

  “Claire, what is going on?” River asks. He groans as Lucy holds out her fist and clenches it. My brother coughs, blood spurting between his lips.

  “Stop!” I scream, and shoot forward. But Lucy holds up her other hand and I’m struck down, my insides freezing up in hard knots.

  “Stay where you are, Claire,” Lucy says. “I wouldn’t want you bursting into light or anything.”

  Harlin quickly helps me up, glaring at my sister like he might murder her after all. Even someone as gentle as Harlin has a breaking point, and Lucy has driven him to it. My sister flicks
her fingers, and River falls to the sand, released from her grip, and my pain subsides.

  Lucy looks down to where River is lying. “I kind of want to keep him,” she says conversationally. “Always wanted a brother. What do you think? He can travel with us. We’ll head back to Arizona and see Dad. We can whisper to him that you’re his daughter, even though you don’t look like Elise anymore. We can make sure he’s okay. You want to know that he’s okay, right?”

  Grief tugs at my heart, and I nod. “Of course I do. But then we’ll be Shadows, unable to control our impulses. Spreading pain and misery to everyone around us. You know it can’t work.”

  “I’m an optimist,” Lucy says. She purses her lips and looks toward Harlin. “What will that make you, Harlin, other than a nuisance?”

  “The voice of reason,” he offers. “Because I’m telling you right now, you’re not leaving this town with Claire or her brother.”

  “And what will you do to stop me?” She laughs. “You don’t have the strength to stand against me. I can make you see all manner of things—like your dead father, perhaps.”

  Harlin curses, glancing away. I hate what my sister did to him last time—confronted him with the image of his father, bleeding to death in front of him. It broke Harlin’s heart. She could have killed him, but she didn’t. Why didn’t she kill him then?

  “For you, of course,” she answers, turning to me as she reads my thoughts. “I know you’d hate me if I killed him.” She looks at Harlin. “But even if I do spare you,” she says, “what’s the point? You can’t be with her—you know that. Either Claire evaporates”—she makes a flutter with her fingers—“or she turns to the Shadows. Either way, she’ll be beyond you, Seer.”

  “I won’t become a Shadow, Lucy,” I say. “I’m sorry, but we can’t be together. Not ever.”

  From her pocket, Lucy draws out a photo, and I gasp. I don’t have to see the picture to know what it is—the two of us, arms around each other. Laughing. Happy.

  “You’re wrong,” she says, flipping the picture around to face me. The hurt is immediate when I realize the picture is just her, because Elise, like Charlotte, has been erased from existence. And for a fleeting moment, I reconsider her offer. “I’ve spared your brother,” Lucy says. “I’ve spared Harlin. The Shadows are not completely devoid of compassion. And here we are, in a showdown of sorts. I’m the last Shadow—you’re the last Forgotten. If you extinguish me, you have no purpose. The light won’t send you back. You’ll be gone for good.

  “What will you do, Claire?” Lucy asks. “Do you send me into oblivion, the only family you have left, and end this all? Or will you join me and live forever? It’s the only choice you have.”

  I’m suddenly struck with an idea, but I’m afraid Lucy will read my thoughts. I grab Harlin’s bicep, tearing his gaze away from Lucy. He’s about to ask what I’m doing when I kiss him full on the mouth. Lucy laughs from behind us, but I know it bothers her. My relationship with Harlin is part of the reason she’s a Shadow.

  I pull back slightly, my lips still close to Harlin’s. He looks confused, but he draws me to him again anyway. Distract her, I mouth.

  He stares at me, probably for the last time. And then he gives me a soft peck on the lips before turning away from me and facing my sister. “She’s better than you,” Harlin says coldly. “She was stronger, and that’s why you’re a monster now and she’s not.”

  Lucy’s eyes widen at Harlin’s words, and cracks start to appear in her skin. Ripping through her flesh like a cracked porcelain plate. This is her real face. “Shut up,” she tells Harlin.

  “It wasn’t my fault you turned to the Shadows. You belonged there.”

  My natural reaction is to protect Lucy from Harlin’s comments, but I know he doesn’t mean them. Not really. He’s distracting her, and it’s the only way to finish this. And so I bring on the Need. I bring it on until I feel my entire body heat up, as if my skin has caught fire.

  “I will devour you,” Lucy growls, stepping toward Harlin. Stepping away from River. “I will tear you apart, Harlin. I will fucking kill you!”

  Harlin’s eyes weaken as he watches Lucy come undone. “The light doesn’t want you anymore, Lucy,” he says, his sadness coming through. “You’re rotten. You’re deadly.”

  I watch as Harlin tries to protect me, giving me the opportunity to finish what the universe started, even if he’s the one who’ll lose. But he won’t have to wait for me anymore. He’ll be free. The idea of leaving Harlin is more painful than the thought of dying—for good.

  “I’ve loved you for three lifetimes,” I whisper too low for him to hear. My Harlin—from the moment we met, he belonged to me completely, body and soul. We had dreams of living in the Pearl District, of growing old together, of being happy. And now he’ll have to live that dream with someone else. Giving Harlin his life back is the most painful responsibility I’ve ever had to accept.

  My skin is hot, starting to burn off from the light. Claire is slowly peeling away. I study Harlin’s features, thinking that if there was one gift the universe did give me . . . it was him. My light illuminates the side of his face, and he turns, holding up his palm to shade his eyes from the brightness.

  Then it’s time. I run across the sand, reaching for my sister just as she realizes what’s about to happen. Lucy screams my name, but it’s too late. I crash against her, the Need bursting through my skin in an explosion of bright, golden light.

  I’m submerged underwater in a flurry of motion, the screaming of voices. And then the world goes dark.

  After

  Harlin sits in a red-and-yellow-striped beach chair. His mirrored sunglasses reflect the ocean, and he lifts a bottle of water to take a slow sip. It’s quiet here today—no wind. No clouds. On days like this, I can believe it’s all over, finally. Two weeks have passed since Lucy was extinguished, and the world has gone on without her. My sister is finally at peace.

  Harlin clears his throat before taking another long drink, the guilt over losing Lucy to the Shadows still haunting him. He’s never liked talking about his feelings, but he’s trying to get better at it. For now, I’m just happy he’s dealing at all. We’ve been through so much.

  I touch his arm, drawing his attention. “I’m going to try one more time,” I say, nodding toward the ocean. Harlin starts to smile, trying to cover it with his palm. “Don’t laugh,” I say. “One day I’m going to surf and then you’ll owe me.”

  This seems to pique his interest. “And what exactly are we betting, Claire? You better not say a latte.”

  I climb to my knees and lean forward to kiss him, soft and teasing. “No,” I murmur between his lips. “It will most certainly require physical contact.”

  Harlin growls his approval and pulls me closer. His tongue slides against mine, the world around us fading into white noise. My sister may be gone, but I am still right here. Harlin made sure of that.

  He didn’t let me leave him that night. Instead, when Harlin saw me glowing, charging toward Lucy, he sprang. He tackled me into the water just as the light exploded, sending Lucy into oblivion.

  It was chaos at first, and River rushed into the water to help pull us out. It was then that I realized my brother didn’t know me, that River had forgotten me altogether. Forgotten everything that had just happened.

  I didn’t wake up for three days, and Harlin waited. Hoping. I could feel him next to me, beckoning me back from the light. When I woke up, I smiled at him and asked if I was in heaven. He told me it was better.

  Harlin gives me one last kiss and then stands up. He reaches to take my hands, pulling me to my feet. There haven’t been any more Needs, no more Forgotten. They can still happen, but I don’t think they will. I’m not sure why it was different this time, but I’m not going to question it. Right now, we’re free to live our lives. At least that’s what I hope.

  I slip my feet into my sandals, and Harlin and I start toward the sidewalk. My white sundress blows in the breeze. We cross the
lot to Harlin’s motorcycle, and the chrome of his Harley shines in the sunlight. Harlin puts his wallet and water bottle in the side pocket before swinging his leg over the seat. He waits as I climb onto the back, putting my arms around his waist and resting my chin on his shoulder.

  Harlin kicks the engine to life, and we’re ready to leave Deseo forever. But first we’ll go to Costas Bakery, where he’ll buy me a latte. We’ve been there several times, but no one remembers me. Not my parents, not my brothers. To them, I never existed. I’m a walking ghost. Once, Ezra and Soleil walked in, offering little more than a glance at me.

  I have to leave my home. It hurts too much to stay.

  “I love you,” Harlin says over the roar of the engine, turning his head to glance back at me. I smile, feeling a little lost, a little heartbroken. But Harlin gives me the hope to go on, to move forward.

  Harlin rides out of the parking lot, and I hold on tight. He turns down the road for the bakery so I can have one last look before we head out—maybe to Portland, maybe somewhere else. We’ll start a new life.

  And grow old together.

  Excerpt from A Need So Beautiful

  As the bells of the cathedral start to chime, I lean down to grab my backpack off the stairs. Suddenly I’m hit with heavy, bone-shaking vibrations that seem to run through my veins. They fill me up, take me over. Oh God. Not now.

  “You okay?” Sarah’s voice is far away, and when I turn to her, her eyes widen. “Again?”

  Before I can answer, Harlin is next to me, pulling open my backpack. “Do you have your inhaler?”

  I don’t have asthma. It’s just easier to pretend that I do. How else can I explain these episodes? No one would ever believe the truth.

  Harlin shakes my inhaler and holds it to my lips. My eyes meet his, and he watches as I make a good show of taking the medicine even though the inhaler’s empty.

  The bells stop ringing and the humming inside me eases up, giving me time to catch my breath. My body is pulling me toward the cathedral doors, every inch of my skin aching to be inside. I don’t know why. I never do. Not until I’m there. But right now I have to get inside that church.