by Ivy Smoak
“Brooklyn,” I croaked. “My name is Brooklyn,” I corrected again, not that anyone was listening to me. Charlotte was right. I didn’t fit in here. It was one thing for the other students to hate me. It was another for my teacher to pick on me too. I rushed out of the classroom.
I gathered my things from my locker and shoved them into my backpack. Fuck entrepreneurial studies. Fuck Matt. And fuck Empire High. I was done with this school. I didn’t have any intention of coming back. I was going home.
I heard the click of Kennedy’s camera but ignored it.
“Why are you emptying out your locker?” she asked.
I didn’t respond.
She leaned against the adjacent locker. “Cold shoulder, huh? I get it,” she said with a sigh. “I owe you an apology for earlier. It’s just…freshman year I thought Felix liked me. And for like five minutes I maybe sorta liked him back because…it’s hard not to like the guy. It turned out he just wanted to sell me pot though. I guess I’m still a little bitter about it.” She grabbed my hand to stop me from shoving more stuff into my backpack. “Seriously, Brooklyn, what are you doing? I said I was sorry.”
“I can’t do this anymore.” The tears I’d been holding back for the past hour were seconds away from spilling over.
“Can’t do what? What happened?”
I shook my head and the dam burst. Tears cascaded down my cheeks.
Kennedy closed my locker before I could pack anything else up and pulled me to the restroom. I thought she was going to ask me a million questions. Instead she just hugged me.
She hugged me while I cried. And cried. And cried some more.
I was an idiot. Because instead of appreciating that someone had my back, I was just sad that Matt hadn’t followed me into yet another bathroom to see if I was okay. I cried even harder.
Everything Charlotte had said was true. Matthew Caldwell was a god at this high school. And all I’d ever be to someone like him was a joke. Clearly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kennedy asked as she rubbed her hand up and down my back.
“There’s not much to talk about.” I sniffed and pulled away from her embrace. “Matt didn’t talk to me in class. Not even a hello. And he just sat there while Isabella’s underling, Charlotte, berated me for five minutes. I don’t know what happened. Matt just pretended I didn’t exist. And then Mr. Hill yelled at me for talking during class and I had to read out loud for an hour.”
Kennedy cringed. “So which one should I kill first…Charlotte, Matt, or Mr. Hill?”
I laughed.
“See, you’re better already. Fuck them.” She said and pulled me back into a hug. “Who needs any of them?”
“I really just want to go home,” I said, ignoring her question. Because the truth was that I needed Matthew Caldwell. He was the only one here that made it feel like my heart hadn’t stopped beating after I buried my mother. And I couldn’t let go of the feeling he gave me or else I’d be drowning again. As I stood there crying in the bathroom, I realized it was already too late. I’d been lying to myself the whole time anyway. I was drowning. I’d been drowning for weeks.
“Then let’s go home.”
She didn’t get it. I didn’t want to go back to my uncle’s apartment. I wanted to go home to Delaware. Where people had known me my whole life and smiled at me when I walked by instead of sneering. I wanted to sit on my mother’s grave and tell her about my shitty day. I was too far away from her here. And I didn’t know how much longer I could keep going with so much distance between us.
Chapter 8
Friday
I pushed my sweaty bangs off my forehead as we started our fourth mile.
“Are you coming tonight?” Felix asked. He didn’t seem out of breath even though he still preferred the bleachers. Today he didn’t have a choice though because the rest of our gym class was playing frisbee golf outside. Coach Carter had a clear view of the bleachers and the track.
I wanted to go to his party. Despite what Kennedy seemed to think, Felix was a genuinely nice guy. Every day since he’d first talked to me on the bleachers he kept talking to me. Which apparently was a rarity when it came to Empire High. I tried to shove the thoughts of Matt aside. I wasn’t sure why one stupid moment in a bathroom had gotten under my skin. Matt was an asshole. Ever since Monday, he’d pretended I didn’t exist. Like I was as invisible as I always felt. Each day that went by, it hurt a little less. It wasn’t like I even really knew him. Besides, I was used to living in pain. What did one more scar on my heart matter? I just wished he’d never talked to me at all.
Felix on the other hand? I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. Kind, sweet, handsome. Drug dealer. “Who else is invited?” I asked.
He smiled. “That means you’re coming.”
“I didn’t say that. I told you, I have work tonight.” But I knew I was smiling back at him. This was only the second time he’d brought up his party to me. I hadn’t stopped thinking about it though. And it wasn’t just because back home I never had enough time to go to one. Back home no one had ever technically asked me either.
“And I told you that the party will be going till the wee hours of the morning.”
I laughed even though all I wanted to know was the exact end time. “You didn’t answer my first question.” I was starting to think it was just going to be a bunch of other drug dealers. Or drug mules. Or even more sinister individuals.
“If you’re worried about Isabella, don’t be. I doubt she’d come to a party at my house.”
“And why is that?”
“Haven’t you figured it out yet?” He got a little closer to me. “I’m not one of them,” he whispered and then nodded to the other students in our gym class in the adjacent field playing frisbee golf.
“Not good at frisbee? Tell me about it. Whenever I throw a frisbee it ends up nowhere near where I intended. There’s a reason why I chose running today.” Even though I chose it every day.
“No, newb. I’m not one of them because I’m not a legacy student. I’m not old wealth. Neither of my parents went here like lots of theirs did. Scholarship students aren’t the only outcasts in this dump.”
I laughed. This dump? We were literally running on a hundred thousand dollar track. But I got his point. “But they all like you.”
“No. They need me. There’s a huge difference.”
“Why do they need you?” As soon as I said it, I realized it was a dumb question. He sold them drugs.
His smile grew. “Simple supply and demand.”
Kennedy thought that Felix was only talking to me to turn me into a customer. But he never brought up his business with me. He probably sensed that I wanted nothing to do with it.
I thought about the Untouchables’ conversation I’d overheard on Monday morning. And how disheveled James had looked. Was it possible that he was on drugs? Felix’s drugs? I wasn’t sure why I cared. But I couldn’t get the image of James out of my head. I knew what it was like for a life to be cut short. And it was like James was trying to cut his life short intentionally. Matt had said that he had it taken care of. But I didn’t believe a word out of his mouth.
“Why do you sell to them?” I asked and picked up my pace. “You don’t need the money.”
“Why does anyone here even take drugs?” he countered. “They have everything they could possibly want at their fingertips. It’s a rush, newb. An escape. It makes you feel alive.”
To take drugs? To sell drugs? I was pretty sure your heart beating was what made you feel alive. But I knew I was a hypocrite. Because I’d told myself that being around Matt had made me feel alive. A rush. A high. And I knew I needed to get him out of my system. My heart beating was enough. I didn’t need Matt.
“You know what else makes you feel alive?” he asked. “Parties.”
I laughed. “I’ll try to come. If I can convince Kennedy.” That if was key. Because Kennedy had already said no, and I doubted I’d have the courage to go if she wa
sn’t by my side.
Coach Carter blew the whistle to signal the end of class.
“Text me if you need directions or something.” Felix pulled a pen out of his pocket and popped the cap off with his teeth. Then he scribbled his phone number onto the back of my hand. I didn’t bother to tell him that I didn’t have a cell phone. That I couldn’t text him even if I wanted to. Which I did. He wasn’t an outcast like me. But he said he felt like an outsider. It was possible that he needed my friendship as much as I needed his.
Felix lifted my hand up to his lips. For a second, I thought he was going to kiss it. As if he was a Disney prince. Instead, he blew on the ink.
A chill ran down my spine. I should have known. Princes didn’t sell pot.
“And I can make you a promise,” he said as he dropped my hand. “Tonight you’re going to remember what living feels like.”
I knew Felix was bad news. I knew it, but for the first time in my whole life, I didn’t care. What was the point of always following the rules? There were no guarantees that I’d have a tomorrow. And I knew that heartbeats weren’t enough. My heart was beating and I felt…stuck. Because each time it beat all I could think about was how my mom’s had stopped.
I didn’t know how Felix was going to make his promise come true. But I wanted him to try. Now I just needed to convince Kennedy to come with me tonight.
***
“No,” Kennedy said and plopped her tray down in the hotel's kitchen. We only had a few minutes before our dessert trays would be missed at the party. This was my last chance to convince her.
“But…” I started.
“No. God, I knew you were going to try to get me to go to that stupid party when I saw Felix’s number on your hand.”
I’d tried to wash it off after I’d memorized every digit. The last thing I wanted was for my uncle to ask me about it. Or Kennedy for that matter. “I just don’t understand why you don’t want to go.”
Kennedy put her hand on her hip. “We hang out with those people all week. Why on earth would you want to go to a party with them?”
“Well, you didn’t even let me tell you my very important point.”
She just stared at me.
“Isabella’s not going to be there.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure of that. She has a way of showing up when you least expect it. Pretty sure she’s a witch.”
“Definitely some kind of monster.”
Kennedy finally smiled. “I still don’t understand why you want to go. Even if Isabella’s not there, Matt probably will be. I thought the plan was to avoid him until you graduate?”
That was the plan. Although it was hard when he sat right in front of me in class. Maybe if I sat in front of him it would be easier to forget him. It sure worked for him.
But this had nothing to do with him. I could care less if he was there or not. Felix had promised me that tonight would remind me what living felt like. I needed that. I didn’t want to go back to my uncle’s apartment and hang out in my bedroom that wasn’t even really mine. I wanted one night where I could forget that my life had fallen apart.
I refilled the last of the apple rose puffs onto my tray. “I maybe also have never been invited to a party like this before.”
Kennedy laughed.
I finished putting the pastries on my tray.
“Wait, really?” There was the pity again. The look I was used to from everyone but Kennedy. “Why?”
No one wanted the kid whose mom was dying at a party? I don’t know. I was kind of a buzzkill. Instead of saying any of that I just shrugged my shoulders. “I was too busy working all the time.” And when I wasn’t, I was in the hospital.
“Ugh.” Kennedy looked up at the ceiling. She took a few slow breaths like whatever she was about to say was going to pain her.
Which made me so freaking excited.
“Fine, we can stop by,” she said.
“Really?”
“If you’re absolutely positive you don’t want to snag a bottle of champagne and have a much better time just the two of us.”
“As enticing as that is…I really want to go.”
She sighed like tonight was the biggest burden of all time. “But you’re paying for the cab up town.”
“Done.”
“And if you ditch me at this thing I will literally murder you.” She started to pile desserts onto her tray too.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Who on earth did she think I’d ditch her for? “I’ll be glued to your side all night, I swear. As long as you aren’t openly rude to Felix the whole time.”
“I’m never rude. Just…honest.” She lifted her tray with one hand like a boss. “And we can’t stay out too late or my mom will worry. The latest one of these catering events has ever lasted was 1 a.m., so we can’t stay out much past that.”
I had no idea if my uncle would worry. He hadn’t given me a curfew, but I also hadn’t given him a reason to give me one. “Deal.”
“And…”
“How many ands are there going to be?” I asked.
Kennedy laughed. “Just one more. Promise me you won’t smoke weed or something even worse?”
“Yeah, I promise.” Oh, God, is that what Felix meant by reminding me what living feels like?
“Luckily I brought a change of clothes for both of us. They’re in my purse.”
I had so many questions. But the main one was…how tiny were the clothes if they fit into her purse?
Chapter 9
Friday
I stared at the door that had an uncanny resemblance to the ornate front doors of Empire High. Felix said the party was at his house. But this wasn’t a house. And I didn't just mean that because he lived in an apartment building. I meant that there was a doorman when we entered the lobby downstairs. There was elevator music. And the thick rug under my feet looked like it cost more than my mother's house. “We must have the wrong address.”
Kennedy snapped a picture of me staring. “No, this is it.”
“Are you sure?” I ran my fingers down the skirt Kennedy had made me change into. It was way too short. Which made no sense because Kennedy was taller than me. I was pretty sure if she wore this that her ass would be hanging out. Maybe that’s why she had forced me into it. She was all long legs and tan skin in her tight dress, despite the fact that she was in the pair of flats she’d worn to work. I was pretty sure I looked the way I felt. I’d settled on the term deflated troll. “We should probably just go home.”
“We took the ride all the way up here. You’re not backing out on me now.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me up to the door. I could hear the music blaring from inside.
“But I thought I’d be wearing my work clothes, not this ridiculous skirt.”
“You look hot.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to look hot. I just wanted to look like me. Besides, I was a deflated troll, not hot. “And I definitely didn’t think Felix’s place was so…this.” He said he wasn't from old money. This apartment building screamed old money.
“Everyone’s apartments at our school look like this. You’ll get used to it.” Instead of knocking, she opened the door and walked right in, pulling me along with her.
The apartment was huge. And it was as fancy inside as it was out. But where the outside was classically designed the inside had clearly been redone. Everything was modern with sharp lines and cold stone. The foyer had that kind of modern art that looked like a five-year-old made it, but it was probably worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. The only thing that didn't seem fancy was the fact that the floor was shaking from the blaring music. I was pretty sure Felix was literally about to tear down the building with this party.
“Let’s go get a drink!” Kennedy shouted over the music and continued to pull me farther into the apartment. It was packed and we had to wind our way through the crowd. And Felix thought he didn’t fit in. If I threw a party, only he and Kennedy would show up. I’d only been at the party for two minutes an
d I was thinking my party of three sounded a whole lot better. These things were overrated. I couldn’t even talk to Kennedy because it was too loud. She pulled me into the kitchen. It was as big as my uncle’s whole apartment.
“Here,” Kennedy said and shoved a plastic cup into my hand.
“What is it?”
She shrugged. “Some kind of punch.”
Oh. Yum. I loved a good punch. I took a huge sip. It was delicious. At least one thing at this party was good. “Should we try to find Felix?” I asked.
“No need,” Kennedy said and nodded behind me.
Before I could turn around, Felix threw his arm around me.
“You made it,” he said and smiled down at me, keeping me tucked into his side.
I was pretty sure he’d known all along I would try to come. Even before I did. “Yeah, work ended early.”
“My lucky night. You look beautiful, as always.”
I could feel my cheeks turning red.
Kennedy snapped a picture of the two of us.
Felix lifted his head. “Sup, Kennedy?”
“Great party,” she said, but her tone was laced with insincerity. Her eyes were glued to the display on her camera instead of him.
God, she promised to be nice. I took another sip of my punch.
“Let me show you two around,” Felix said.
“I’ve already been here, remember? Never mind, of course you don’t. But you two go ahead. I’m just going to take some pictures.” She lifted up her camera.
“Not for blackmailing purposes, I hope,” Felix said with a laugh.
“Yeah, I’m not an ass. Unlike some of us.” She disappeared into the crowd before I could stop her.
I had promised I’d be glued to her side all night. But she’d taken the first chance she could to unglue herself. “I’m so sorry,” I said. “She promised she’d be on her best behavior.”
“I don’t think it’s in Kennedy’s nature to be nice. Here, let me refill that for you.” He grabbed my cup.
That wasn’t true. Kennedy was always nice to me. I thought about last weekend when I’d asked her if her mom had made her hang out with me. She had been forced to be kind to me. But we had quickly become friends. And Kennedy was one of the sweetest people I knew. Felix was a close second. So it was strange that they weren’t friends. I needed to ask Kennedy more about what happened between them freshman year. She said she thought Felix had liked her, but that she’d only liked him for about five minutes. How many hard feelings could there still be?
