by Ivy Smoak
I tried to shake away the thought, but it was locked in place. I wasn’t sure how I had gotten so tangled up with both of them. Going back to being invisible was going to be a blessing. All I needed was Kennedy and my uncle. I ignored the voice in the back of my mind saying I needed my mom too. She would have been able to help me sort through all of this. We hadn’t had enough time. I needed more motherly advice. I needed her.
“I was thinking I could steal another first today,” Felix said as he pulled me in the opposite direction of the track.
The tears that had been threatening to escape all day finally slid down my cheeks. He was being sweet, just like Matt. And all I felt was…lost.
We stopped under the bleachers. “How about the first time anyone’s kissed you under the…” his voice trailed off. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
There was a lot wrong. But instead of one of the million excuses I had rolling around in my head, I settled on the truth. Because honestly, it all came back to this. My uncle was right. I needed someone to talk to. “I miss my mom. I miss her so much.”
“Oh.” His arm fell from my shoulders.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. Oh? I was trying to have a conversation with him. “Oh” didn’t cut it. I needed him. Didn’t he see that? I needed someone to help me. “Sometimes it feels like it’s hard to breathe knowing that she isn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Brooklyn.” He shoved his hands into his sweatpants pockets.
And I never saw anything so clearly in my life. I took a step back from him. He didn’t want to hear me. He just wanted to make out under the bleachers with the new girl. It was just some game to him. But the joke was on him, because if I was a game, I was missing tons of pieces and had been left out in the rain for months. Abandoned. Forgotten. Broken. “I can’t do this.” I turned around.
“Do what?”
I started walking away, but he grabbed my wrist.
“I’ve never lost anyone that was close to me, Brooklyn. I don’t know what to say that could possibly make it better. All I know what to do is say I’m sorry because I am. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I turned back to look at him. “I hate that phrase. ‘I’m sorry.’ It doesn’t mean anything. You have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But I’m sorry that you’re going through something on your own. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to react. I’m sorry for a lot of things.”
I took a deep breath.
He pulled me into his arms, resting his chin on the top of my head. “Or if you’d prefer it…I’m not sorry.”
I laughed into his soft t-shirt. “Better.” I kept the side of my face pressed against his chest.
“If you ever want to forget for just a few hours…you know I can help you with that.”
I closed my eyes. God, Kennedy was right. He just wanted to sell me drugs. I should have slapped him. Or pushed him off of me. But I was in desperate need of a hug. So I just stayed where I was. For one minute. Maybe five. But his sentence hung awkwardly in the air the whole time. “I will never buy drugs from you, Felix.” There. It was out there.
“I wasn’t asking you to buy them, newb. I’d just give them to you.”
I closed my eyes tighter. So maybe he wasn’t trying to sell me drugs. But he was still pushing them. “Being numb is no way to live,” I said, quoting my uncle from my night over the toilet bowl.
Felix ran his hand up and down my back. “Okay.”
Another awkward silence stretched between us.
Felix cleared his throat. “You know, my parents are never around,” he said. “It’s probably one of the reasons we get along so well.”
I knew he was trying to understand. But he didn’t. His parents were coming back. I was never going to see my mom again. Or hear her laughter. Or dance with her around the kitchen. She wasn’t coming back. And I didn’t know how to let her go. But this helped. “Probably,” I said into his chest.
“So this can be written down in the books,” Felix said. “The first time you skipped gym class to hug someone under the bleachers.”
I laughed and looked up at him. I was supposed to be telling him I just wanted to be friends. Not because Matt had told me to. But because I’d planned on telling both of them that today. Friendship was all I needed. But would Felix still hold me like this if we were just friends? Would he still try to listen to me when I was sad? I had a feeling that he wouldn’t. And I didn’t want to have to say goodbye yet. I hated goodbyes. The only one I’d ever had to say before was permanent.
***
My uncle turned off the TV and looked over at me. “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Something on your mind?”
I shook my head. “The movie was great. I was just really into it.” I hadn’t been paying attention at all. I didn’t even know what movie we had been watching.
“It was crazy when that guy stole the horse,” he said.
“Mhm. So crazy.”
“We were watching Office Space, kiddo. There were no horses.”
I laughed. “I must have zoned out.”
“Right, right.”
“I should probably get to bed.” I stood up.
“Brooklyn?”
I looked down at him. He’d lost weight. His shirt looked a little baggy and his cheeks weren’t as plump. I was good for him. It was good that I was here. Maybe it’s where I was supposed to be. I couldn’t save my mom. But I could still save my uncle.
He smiled. “I may have been a little hard on you the other night. How about you invite Kennedy over after school tomorrow to do homework like usual?”
“Really?”
He nodded.
“Thank you.” I leaned down and hugged him. “Goodnight, Uncle Jim.”
“Night, Kiddo.”
Once I’d washed up, I changed into a comfy old t-shirt and slid under the covers. I was about to switch my lights off when I remembered Matt’s note. I pulled open the drawer to my nightstand. Ignoring the mega box of condoms, I grabbed the stack of notes Matt had given me. I reread the top one again. Thought you might like this better. See you tonight. The salad had been delicious. Better than the ones they made in the cafeteria. But I hadn’t gotten a chance to thank him. Both him and Rob hadn’t been in class today. I’d sat there by myself wondering how much Matt had paid Mr. Hill to put us in the same group. And I wondered if Mr. Hill was so mean to me because Isabella had slipped him some money too.
I wasn’t going to see Matt tonight. I had no idea why he’d written that. But tomorrow I’d have to make a choice. My resolve to end things with Felix had faded fast. Would the same thing happen when I saw Matt? It was easy to tell myself I needed to walk away. It was another thing entirely to actually do it. Because I was pretty sure Matt was right. My face did light up when I was around him. It was easy to forget about how sad I was when I stared into his eyes. Especially when he stared back.
I looked through the other notes. It had become kind of a nighttime ritual. But it felt different tonight. Like reading his handwriting somehow made me breathe easier. Almost like I was with him.
There was a knock on my door.
I waited for my uncle to say, “Kiddo, can I come in?” like he usually did. But when his words didn’t come, I climbed out of bed.
Another knock made me spin around. I almost screamed but immediately swallowed down the cry. The knock was coming from my window. Matt was standing on my fire escape. With a bouquet of red roses and a black eye. For a second we just stood there staring at each other through the glass. My gaze lifted from the flowers to his eye again. What the hell was he doing? What the hell was I doing? He was hurt. I ran over to my window and lifted it open.
“Why are you so surprised to see me?” he asked and smiled. But the action made him wince.
“I told you I was coming over tonight.”
He hadn’t. Not in those words. But I couldn’t focus on that right now. “Jesus, what happened to your face?”
“It’s no
thing. These are for you,” he lifted up the flowers, blocking his black eye from my view.
I didn’t care about the flowers. Even though no one had ever bought me flowers before. I grabbed them and pulled them away from him so I could see his face again. “What happened?”
“Nothing. Keep your voice down. Are you trying to get double grounded?” He climbed through the window and into my room.
I swallowed hard. I was definitely not trying to get grounded again. But having a boy my uncle hadn’t met climb through my window wasn’t exactly precedent for not being grounded again. “Matt.”
He turned away from me.
I knew I should have told him he couldn’t be here. But he was hurt. And he’d come to me for help. I walked over to him and put my hands on either side of his face. “Tell me what happened.”
He winced, pulling away from me. “I’m fine.” He looked around my room for a moment as he pulled off his varsity jacket. Then he sat down on the edge of my bed. “Come here.”
Why wasn’t he answering my question? I placed the flowers down on my nightstand. “Let me go get some frozen peas or something…”
He grabbed my waist and pulled me on top of him. My thighs straddled him, pushing the hem of my baggy t-shirt up. I froze. I wasn’t wearing any pants. I was straddling Matthew Caldwell on my bed in my underwear. And not cute lacy underwear. Underwear that came in a pack of five from Target that I’d had for years. I was pretty sure there was a hole in one of the seams.
“This is all I need,” he whispered. “You.” His hands stayed firmly on my hips as he stared into my eyes.
His left eye was almost swollen shut. The other one was red, almost like he had been crying. But I couldn’t picture that. I couldn’t picture Matt breaking. Everything about him exuded strength. My hands settled on his shoulders. “I can’t help with the swelling.”
He dropped his forehead against mine. Maybe he was worried I could see him. Really see him. Like he claimed he could see me.
“Tell me what happened,” I whispered. “Please.”
“I messed up. I was trying to find another way.”
“Another way for what?”
His hands slid slightly lower, his fingertips resting right above my ass.
It felt like all the air left my lungs. “Matt.”
He spread his fingers, his thumbs running along the top of my thighs, as the rest of his fingers squeezed my hips. “You’re perfect.”
For the first time I realized that the smell of cinnamon wasn’t wafting off of him. I lifted my forehead from his. My heart was beating so loudly that I swore he could hear it. The bloodshot eyes. The way he was acting. “Have you been drinking?”
“No. Just…” He sighed as he blinked faster. “I was trying to fix it.”
“Fix what?” I had no idea what he was talking about.
He didn’t respond.
“What did you mess up?”
His eyes finally met mine again. “I need your help, Brooklyn.”
That wasn’t an answer. Or maybe it was. He’d done something bad. And he was coming here to get me to fix it. “Okay. How can I help?” Matt had all the resources in the world at his fingertips. How on earth could I help him?
“I need you to ask Felix to stop selling to James.”
I stopped breathing. I couldn’t do that. It was the one thing that I actually couldn’t help him with. I wasn’t supposed to know what James was doing. He’d already threatened me. If I asked Felix to stop selling to him…that would be spreading James’ secret. I could already picture James going to Felix and Felix telling him what I’d said.
But really…what was the worst that could happen? James probably just knew that I wasn’t a scholarship student. I didn’t really care if that came out. Or maybe James knew that Matt and I kept hanging out together. If that came out, Isabella would tell everyone what she had on Matt. My mind was spinning. What did Isabella have on him?
Matt’s fingers slid down my thighs.
The action made my thoughts come to a halt.
“I hate that he touches you,” Matt said.
Felix. I put my hands on top of Matt’s to stop them from moving. But not because of my feelings for Felix. Or because I wanted Matt to stop. It was because I was finally piecing together Matt’s night. At first I thought he might be high. I was pretty sure it was smoke that I smelled on him. But by the way he was acting…I knew he wasn’t high. He was hurting. And it killed me to see him in pain. “Matt.”
He looked back up at me.
If he hadn’t been smoking, it meant he’d been around someone who was. “Did Felix do this to you?”
This time Matt didn’t wince when he smiled. “Do you really think Felix could take me?”
Honestly no. Matt was every bit the football player. He was taller and stronger than Felix. My mind raced back to the only other person Matt had mentioned. James. “You were with James then?”
Matt shook his head. “James certainly feels better when he punches things. But no, he would never hit me. He’s one of my best friends. He would never hurt me.” Matt dropped his forehead back against mine.
I didn’t know what to say to that. James and I weren’t friends. He had no problem threatening me. But maybe he was as loyal to his friends as Matt was. I hoped so. And I wanted to be let in. “You can tell me what happened.”
“I like this,” he said as his fingers played with the hem of my baggy t-shirt. “You’d look even better in one of my shirts though.”
I tried to hide my smile. “Matt, we need to talk about this. If we’re going to work you need to trust me.”
That seemed to get his attention. He sighed. It sounded so labored. “I went to Felix’s dealer. I wanted to go above his head and cut off his supply. I tried to buy it all. Pretty sure they thought I was a rat.”
Oh, Matt. He was trying to take care of his friend. He had a heart of gold to match his golden hair. But this wasn’t the way. James needed more help than a 16-year-old could provide. Just because Matt had a good heart didn’t mean it was enough to get his friend sober. I put my hand on Matt’s chest.
A low groan escaped his lips. Not one like when he kissed me. He sounded like he was in pain.
I looked down at where my hand was on his chest. “Matt?”
“I’m fine.”
“They hurt more than just your eye, didn’t they?”
“I’m fine,” he repeated.
“Take your shirt off.”
He chuckled. “You first.”
I ignored him and pushed up the fabric of his t-shirt. Bruises laced around his abs. I let his shirt drop back into place. “You need ice.” I tried to climb off his lap, but he tightened his grip on my thighs.
“Please. Don’t go.”
“Matt…”
“I didn’t come over here for you to take care of me. I just wanted to see you. I needed to see you. You’re so beautiful, Brooklyn. Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”
I tried to hide my smile. “You’re not so bad yourself.”
“I can’t get you out of my head.”
“How hard have you been trying?”
“Harder than I’d like to admit. But I don’t want to give Isabella the satisfaction of ruining my life too. I don’t want to give you up.”
There was a lot to that sentence. It was sweet. And…troubling. “Who else’s life has she ruined?” She’d only been attempting to ruin mine so far. But I wasn’t surprised to hear that I wasn’t the first person to get in her way.
“I’d rather talk about your big box of condoms.”
Oh, shit. I turned to my nightstand. The drawer was still open, fully displaying the condoms my uncle had bought me. I was about to explain when Matt cut me off again.
“Tell me I’m not too late.”
It was the same thing he’d asked before our kiss. My first kiss. He’d promised to steal all my firsts. But the more time we spent together, the less likely he was to have to steal them. I was pretty
sure I’d be giving him everything I had. “You’re not too late, Matt.”
“Hmm.” He leaned back on my bed, pulling me with him.
I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead he rolled to the side and placed me gently on the mattress. My weight against his torso had probably hurt him. I was about to apologize when he started talking.
“I wish I’d waited for you.” He placed his hand on the side of my face. “But I can wait now. Until you’re ready. I’ll wait for you.”
I thought about his equally big opened box of condoms. He must have known I’d seen it, like he’d known I’d seen the pictures of Isabella. But honestly, I didn’t care if he’d used a handful of condoms. Especially if he hadn’t used them with Isabella. And he swore he hadn’t. “I’d like that,” I said. I knew my life was still tangled up with Felix’s. But it was easy to forget when my limbs were tangled up with Matt’s.
“You said your mom was young when she had you.” His voice was barely a whisper. “How old was she?”
I hadn’t expected that question. “She was 19.”
“Tell me about her.”
“My mom?”
He kissed my forehead, pulling me closer. “Yeah. I want to know all about her.”
This was the conversation I’d wanted to have earlier today. But Felix never asked me about my mom. Neither did Kennedy. My uncle barely even brought her up. I closed my eyes and let Matt hold me. I finally had someone who wanted to listen. “She was so full of life. And she had so much hope. I don’t know how she stayed so optimistic during her treatments. And before she was sick we used to have so much fun just the two of us. Fall was her favorite season. Up until last fall we even still raked leaves and jumped in the piles. Her laughter was one of my favorite sounds. And sometimes I’m worried that I’m going to forget what it sounded like.”
“It probably sounds a lot like yours.”
I pressed my lips together. I liked to think so. “Maybe.” But I wasn’t sure I had enough laughter in me to fill a whole room. I barely laughed anymore at all.
“I wish I could have met her,” Matt said.
“Me too.”
“You look just like her.”
I thought about all the pictures on my walls. I guess Matt had opened his eyes again. But I kept mine closed. “How did you know I like Caesar salads?”
