by Ivy Smoak
“You order one almost every day at lunch.”
I was right. He’d noticed. It wasn’t just some lucky guess. “It was even better than the cafeteria ones. Thank you.”
“I’ll bring another one tomorrow.”
I laughed. “I wasn’t implying that you needed to. I just wanted to let you know I appreciated it.”
He pulled me even closer. “I want to bring you another one tomorrow. Tell me more about your mom. And your life back in Delaware. Tell me everything.”
I smiled against his chest. I told him all my favorite things about each season. He especially liked my story about the snowplow that came to my cul-de-sac and left huge natural snow forts. I’d had so much fun having snowball fights with the other neighborhood kids around those forts. And then there was the delicious hot chocolate my mom used to make for all of us afterward to warm us up.
I told Matt all my favorite stories as he held me tight. I wasn’t sure when we fell asleep. But I found drifting asleep in his arms effortless. There was no staring at the ceiling. No sleepless night. I slept better in his arms than I had in months.
But when I woke up the next morning he was gone. I would have thought I’d imagined the whole thing, but my sheets smelled like him. And there were roses wilting on my nightstand. He’d also left his varsity letter jacket with a note.
You’ll be able to wear this soon. I promise.
I pulled on his jacket. The fabric swam around me, the jacket stopping mid-thigh. And I wished I didn’t have to take it off before going to school. I took a deep breath, the smell of cinnamon wafting around me. I finally had my answer. There was no way I could just be friends with Matt. Not when I was hoping he’d show up again tonight. And the next night. And the next.
I ran my finger down the large ‘E’ for Empire High on the front of the jacket. All the football players wore their jackets to school every day. Except for a few players that had given them to their girlfriends. Matt would be missing his. People would notice. Him leaving this here meant something. I just hoped it meant he was falling for me too.
Chapter 24
Thursday
I tried to focus on moving my legs faster instead of the pit growing in my stomach. I’d been dreading gym all day. And now that it was here, I felt even worse. Although, maybe it was just the fact that I was running and had a terrible cramp. I was pretty sure secrets gave me cramps.
“Are you okay?” Felix asked as he jogged beside me. “You’re acting…off.”
“I’m fine.” My voice came out weird. God, I needed to just come out with it. I had to put the brake on things between Felix and me, I knew that. All I could think about all day had been falling asleep in Matt’s arms. It wasn’t fair to Felix. But I also didn’t know how to break the news without saying I had feelings for someone else. I’d promised Matt we could keep things between us a secret for now. I was tossing around the idea of blaming it on my uncle. After all, he had forbidden me from seeing Felix. It was the easy way out. The un-honest way. The coward’s way.
I shook the thought away. I had to lie about having feelings for Matt. But that didn’t mean I needed to throw my uncle under the bus for no reason. And it wasn’t just the lies holding me back. I had to figure out how to ask Felix to stop selling drugs to James in a way that couldn’t come back to me. The last thing I needed was for James to tell everyone about me seeing Matt…if that was the secret he meant. But there were lots of things he could be referring to. Matt knew my phone number, my address, my locker combination…all without asking me. He had resources. Surely James had the same ones. He could know anything.
“Hey,” Felix grabbed my arm, pulling me to a stop. “Seriously, what’s going on?”
I leaned down and put my hands on my knees, pretending to catch my breath. Really I just needed to figure out what to say.
“Is this about yesterday?”
I looked up at him. “Yesterday?”
“When you mentioned your mom, I didn’t know what to say. And I kept saying I’m sorry, which you hate.” He smiled. “And I regretted the drug thing as soon as I said it. I know drugs won’t help make you feel better.”
I looked back down at the track. “It’s not about yesterday.”
“Then what is it? You can barely look at me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, took a huge breath, and then opened my eyes again. “No matter what happens, we’ll always be friends, right?” I asked as I stood back up.
His eyebrows lowered. “Brooklyn, what’s going on?”
I was hoping he’d agree to stay friends. He hadn’t. But that didn’t change anything I needed to say. It just made it hurt more to end things. Say it. Spit it out! “I really think I’m not in the right headspace to be dating right now, Felix. I think right now all I need is a friend.”
“Is this about that other guy you kissed?”
“No.” I hoped my voice sounded even. God, I hated lying. “I’m just…struggling. With a new city and a new school and a new home. I mean, I fell apart yesterday crying about my mom in the middle of gym.” I tried to smile. “But I really, really want to stay friends.”
Felix pushed his sweaty hair off his forehead, but didn’t say anything.
I didn’t expect him to look so upset. I knew he was kissing other girls. It wasn’t like he was serious about dating me. “Nothing really has to change. We can still hang out at school. Maybe my uncle will even let me see you after school now that we’re just friends. And you can keep seeing whoever else it is that you’re seeing.”
His eyebrows lowered even further. “I’m not seeing anyone else.”
“But when I told you that our first kiss wasn’t my first kiss ever you said it was fine because we weren’t exclusive…”
“Brooklyn, I said that because you told me you kissed someone else. You wouldn’t even tell me who it was. What the hell was I supposed to say?”
I pressed my lips together. “So you weren’t dating anyone else?”
“Of course not. I really like you, Brooklyn. I have no time to think about kissing other girls because you’re all that I think about.”
“I didn’t know that.” I felt like such an ass. This whole time he had only been seeing me? I tried not to think about all the times I had hooked up with Matt.
He shook his head. “I guess I should have told you I was mad that you kissed someone else. But I didn’t want to come off like this super possessive guy. That’s not me.” He shoved his hands into his sweatpants pockets. “It wasn’t me. But just thinking about you doing that really messed with my head. I wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend. I wanted to make it exclusive. But you keep pulling back. I didn’t want to freak you out by asking when it didn’t seem like you were ready. And now you’re pulling back more anyway.”
I wanted to cry but I blinked fast so none of my tears would spill. If I had known that he hadn’t been kissing other girls, would it have changed anything? I didn’t know. Probably. But it was too late. I’d already kissed another boy…a lot. A lot a lot. I couldn’t undo it. And I couldn’t undo how I felt about Matt. “I’m sorry.”
“I thought you hated that phrase.” He smiled.
And I laughed because the tension needed to escape somehow. “I do.”
He just stared at me, like he was waiting for me to say something else.
But I didn’t know what else to say.
“Does me telling you that change anything?” Felix asked. “If I asked you right now to be my girlfriend, would you say yes? Because I’m asking. Brooklyn Sanders, will you be my girlfriend?”
As soon as he asked, my initial thought was to say yes. It’s what I’d been waiting for. It’s what I wanted. I just wasn’t sure I wanted it with him anymore. The knot was back in my stomach. Maybe I really wasn’t ready to date anyone. Maybe all I actually needed was friendship from both Matt and Felix. “Everything I said before was true. I’m really struggling. None of this has been easy for me.”
“I know.” He took a ste
p forward. “But why can’t I be the one you lean on through all of it?”
Because I already leaned on Matt all night. And I couldn’t tell Felix that. I didn’t want him to ever find that out. I didn’t want to hurt him. “You can. As a friend.”
“I’ll always be your friend, Brooklyn. But don’t think for a second that I don’t want it to be more. I’ll be waiting, whenever you’re ready.” He smiled and reached out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
“I don’t know when I’ll be ready. I’m not asking you to wait. Really I’m telling you to date other people.”
“No thank you,” he said.
I laughed.
“I’d rather just hang out with my friend…if that’s okay?”
“I’d like that.”
He closed the distance between us and hugged me. My stomach still felt uneasy. He’d agreed to be just my friend. That’s what I wanted. But I hadn’t expected it like this. Knowing that I’d been the only one he was seeing. Knowing he was waiting for me to change my mind. Him being my friend felt heavy. Or maybe I just felt weighed down because I still had a favor to ask him. And I didn’t deserve anything from him. He was too good. I was a liar. And a cheat. I didn’t want to be those things. I hugged him back. I didn’t want to let go. “There’s one more thing we need to talk about.”
He pulled back so he could look down at me. “You’re not breaking up with me as a friend now too, are you?”
I laughed. “No. Definitely not. I have a small favor to ask you though.”
“Okay…” He didn’t sound excited about this development.
“You can’t ask why. And you also can’t tell anyone I asked you.”
“So you just want me to agree to this favor blindly without any questions?”
“Yes.”
He smiled down at me. “You do realize that maybe it would have been better timing to ask me this before you broke up with me?”
“I didn’t break up with you. We weren’t technically ever dating.”
He put his hand on his chest. “That hurts, newb. Just spill it already instead of turning the knife in my heart.”
I smiled, glad he was still using my nickname now that we were just friends. “I need you to stop selling drugs to James.” There. Done.
“And why would I do that?” Felix asked. “James is one of my best customers.”
“I said no questions.”
“And I never actually agreed to that.”
“Please.” I didn’t know what else to say. I kind of just hope he’d agree with my random request.
“Is he the guy you kissed?”
“What? No.”
Felix shook his head. “He has a girlfriend. You’re better than that. You deserve better than that.”
“It wasn’t him.”
“So why do you care if I sell to him?”
It was more than just Matt’s request. I’d been awkwardly watching all the Untouchables since school started. Staring from a distance. It didn’t take much observation to realize that James was in trouble. He was sinking. Just like me. “Because he’s using way too much of whatever you’re giving him. And combining it with alcohol and God knows what else.”
“Brooklyn, I’m a drug dealer. I have to sell to addicts. If I just stopped selling to my best customers, I’d be out of business.”
James is an addict? “You’re better than that.” I threw his words back at him. “You have tons of money. You live in a fancy apartment on the Upper East Side. You don’t need to be dealing.”
“And how do you think my parents made all that money?”
“Your mom sells art.”
Felix shook his head. “It’s a front. It’s dirty money. And dirty money doesn’t get you the same prestige as old money, newb. Look around.” He lifted up his hands. “The only reason people tolerate me here is because I have access to something they want.”
“I’m only asking you to stop selling to one person.”
“And that one person will tumble into the four most popular kids at our school. And then the whole football team. Soccer team. The cheerleaders. You’re asking me to give up my business.”
“Maybe I am.” I hated what he did. He was hurting people. Didn’t he see that? Maybe it had been bothering me more than I realized.
His eyes softened. “Is that the real reason why you don’t want to date me? Because of what I do? I’d never get you tangled up in this.”
“Standing next to you tangles me up in it, Felix. It’s dangerous.” I thought about Matt’s black eye and the bruises on his torso. Felix’s suppliers had beaten him up. Did Felix know that? Did he ask them to do it?
“Pot doesn’t hurt anyone.”
“But you’re not selling pot to James. Are you?” I saw him slip James something else. And it had to be bad, or James wouldn’t have threatened me.
He opened his mouth. But before he said anything, he closed it again. His Adam’s apple rose and fell as he stared at me. “Okay, newb. I’ll think about it.”
It wasn’t a yes. But it wasn’t a no either. “Thank you.”
“Being your friend comes with a lot of strings, huh?” He smiled at me.
“I’d say it comes with a normal amount of strings,” I said with a laugh.
He started walking backward on the track. “Race you to the finish line? As your friend, I’m not going to let you win this time.”
“You’ve been letting me win?”
He winked and started running.
My heart skipped a beat. Felix was going to risk his whole business just because I’d asked. He hadn’t been seeing anyone else. And he’d been letting me win at our mile races this whole time? I started running after him. What if I just made a terrible mistake?
Chapter 25
Thursday
I took another bite of the delicious salad. Matt had left me another one in my locker, just like he’d promised. A girl could get used to this. Although, it was hard to get used to being ignored by him all day.
“Earth to Brooklyn,” Kennedy said and tossed a French fry into my salad. If that wasn’t enough to get my attention, her camera also flashed, momentarily blinding me. “Did you hear what I said?”
I blinked, trying to remove the dots from my vision. “Sorry. What?”
She threw her arm behind Cupcake’s back, snuggling into his side. “Joe asked me to homecoming! It’s going to be so much fun. Tell me you two are going together.” She motioned to Felix and me.
I forced myself not to look over at the Untouchables’ table. Matt wouldn’t be asking me. Unless he somehow got out from Isabella’s thumb before then. Which meant I wouldn’t be going to homecoming. It was for the best. I hadn’t exactly put my best foot forward at any of the parties I’d been to. I’d probably just accidentally drink spiked punch and make a fool of myself anyway. It would be better if I stayed in my room all night and studied.
“We actually hadn’t talked about it yet,” Felix said. “But now that you mentioned it…how about it, newb? Be my homecoming date?”
Had Felix totally forgotten our conversation from twenty minutes ago? The one where we’d agreed to be friends? I slowly chewed my bite of lettuce. I was stalling. Trying to find anything to say that wasn’t completely awkward. I hadn’t had a chance to tell Kennedy that Felix and I had put the brakes on things. It would be weird to just blurt it out now.
He leaned over and whispered in my ear. “As friends. Come on, it’ll be fun.”
I could not under any circumstances go to homecoming with Felix. First of all, my uncle wouldn’t let me. Second of all, I was pretty sure Matt would freak out. And third, it would send the completely wrong message to Felix. Think. Say anything. I took a deep breath. “Sure.” Sure? What the heck did I say that for? Sure was not the appropriate response to that question!
“Awesome. Maybe we can all meet at my place for pictures?” Felix said. “We can get a limo and the whole deal. It’ll be fun.”
“Sure.” Stop saying s
ure!
“Speaking of homecoming, we should catch the football game beforehand too,” Felix said.
“Sure.” Damnit! I was pretty sure I just had a seizure and the only thing I could say now was “sure.” Screw me.
“Great.” He smiled down at me.
“That sounds wonderful,” Kennedy said. “And speaking of the opposite of wonderful…what the heck happened to Matt’s face?”
I wanted to thank her for stopping my sure seizure, but why on earth did she have to bring up Matt of all people? I swallowed a crouton wrong and started choking.
“You okay?” Kennedy asked and handed me my bottle of water.
“Fine,” I mumbled between huge sips.
“So what do you think happened to Matt’s face?” she asked again.
“How should I know?” I did my best not to turn around and stare at Matt’s black eye. And I waited for Felix to say something. Did he know what Matt had done? He must have.
“I heard he got beat up by a pimp for refusing to pay an ugly prostitute,” Cupcake said.
“Yeah, right,” Kennedy said with a laugh. “Where did you hear that?”
“Everyone’s saying it.” He shrugged. “The guy’s a total whore. I heard he slept with the whole cheerleading squad. Together. In one night.”
“Really?” I asked.
Cupcake nodded.
My throat still felt dry from the crouton choking. It was like reading aloud in Mr. Hill’s class sore. And I felt that same sense of defeat that I did in Mr. Hill’s class too. Probably because all the excitement I felt about Matt seemed like it was being flushed down the toilet. A whole cheerleading squad? At once? I’d never even had sex before. He’d told me he’d wait for me now. I knew that meant he’d already had sex. I knew that from the condoms in his drawer, or lack of condoms left in his drawer. How many were missing? I could get over a few. Hell, I already knew he wasn’t a virgin. But screwing the whole cheerleading squad? I felt like I was going to be sick.
