Lose You Not: (A Havenwood Falls Novel)

by Kristie Cook

  As my hands came to his, our fingers danced together, twisting against each other, but never quite intertwining and holding. Xandru leaned in, his hot breath fluttering over my ear and down my neck, as I watched our hands teasing each other, fingers brushing softly, tips stroking over palms. Barely touching. Yet so very erotic.

  A shiver ran through me.

  Breaking the contact, his hands moved to my waist, under my T-shirt, and slid upwards, taking my shirt with them. His thumbs paused beneath my breasts, slipping under my bra, softly stroking back and forth. Then they continued upward, slowly sliding over my bra, pausing again to tease my hard nipples, before finally pulling my shirt over my head. Reaching behind me, I undid the clasp, letting the lacy material fall down my arms and to the floor. Now it was Xandru’s turn to stop and admire, and his gaze was tangible as it slowly swept over me, causing my breasts to tighten and ache.

  He leaned forward, and I dropped back to the bed, laying back as he came with me. His mouth lingered on mine before traveling over my jaw and down my neck. Stopping at the base of my throat, his tongue swirled over my pulsing vein, and I gasped when I felt his fangs scrape over my skin. But then he continued on, kissing his way to my breast, his hand caressing the other. My fingers dug into his shoulders as he took my nipple into his mouth, sucking and flicking it with his tongue. Heat pooled between my legs, and my pelvis lifted, needing to feel him against me. We still had too many damn clothes on.

  As though reading my mind, his hand moved to the button of my jeans shorts. As soon as it was undone, his open mouth trailed down my stomach, his tongue swirling along its path, dipping around my belly button as he removed my shorts and panties. Then he started at one ankle and worked his way upward, the stubble of his facial hair rough in a pleasurable way.

  I felt the tips of his fangs when he reached the top of my inner thigh and sucked, while his hands lifted me up, opening my legs. His eyes rolled up to watch me as he slid his tongue out, and ever so slowly, stroked me once up the center. I nearly came undone. Another slow stroke had me moaning and thrashing. A third one, and I groaned his name. His tongue flicked in circles, closing in on the nub of nerves. Then his lips closed down, and he sucked. I couldn’t breathe. I gasped for air anyway.

  When I thought I could take no more, his thumb replaced his tongue against my clit, his fingers slid inside me and curled, and his fangs sunk into the flesh of my inner thigh.

  “Oh my fucking . . . Xan.” I clawed at the bed, at his head and shoulder, anywhere I could latch on to keep me somewhat grounded. “Please,” I begged. “Please.” I tugged at him, not wanting to completely unleash yet. “I want you inside me.”

  His tongue swirled over the wounds, ensuring they were closed, before he rose slowly, his gaze locked on mine. How the fuck did he still have pants on? I sat up and unbuckled his belt with vampire speed. In a flash, he was back over me, free now, his swollen, hard length pressing against my belly.

  “Make love to me.” I wrapped my hand around his cock, stroking him as I shimmied into place under him. I ran my thumb over his silky tip, eliciting a moan, before positioning it against my opening. “Please,” I breathed.

  He hovered over me, his weight supported on his elbows and forearms, as he appraised my body. Memories suddenly flashed in my mind, many that had been locked away until now. Our first real kiss. Not the little pecks we’d giggled about in elementary school. Our first passionate kiss, tongues and awkwardness and everything, when I was twelve and he was fourteen. The first time I’d let him touch my boobs when I was a freshman in high school, his hand slipping beneath the vest of my cheerleading uniform. The first time he saw me naked, appraising me like he did now, as though not only seeing but worshipping. All of our firsts came rushing back, including the first time he’d entered me.

  “This is what you want?” he asked me now, just like he had then.

  I replied in the same way. “You are what I want.”

  He closed his eyes, like he had then, as though I’d just answered his biggest prayer. Then he leaned his forehead against mine, and our gazes locked as his hips tilted, pushing his way in. We both inhaled sharply. We stared at each other, relishing the feeling, before he slid deeper inside. Our eyes fell shut. My hips rose, taking him in more. Our mouths crashed together, and we became a desperate frenzy of kissing, licking, and sucking while our hips rocked and rolled, our momentum building.

  His hand moved between us, cupping my breast as he thrust into me. He squeezed as he pulled out, pinching my nipple then pulling it as he drove back in. I moaned in ecstasy. My hands grasped at him, desperate for purchase, in his hair, on his shoulders, the muscles of his back, massaging and kneading, until eventually my nails dug in.

  “Michaela,” he moaned. “My Michaela. Mine,” he growled, pumping harder into me and sending me to the edge of an orgasm.

  “Yours,” I screamed as I thrust my hips up, taking him in deep and squeezing.

  “Fuck, oh, fuck,” he groaned. Then, “Get ready, love.”

  His fangs let out, and so did mine.

  He clamped his mouth down at the base of my throat, and I did the same to him. We bit into each other’s skin at the same time as he rocked into me. Euphoria shot through me, from the taste of him flooding my tongue to the delicious pain of his teeth digging into me. From the sensation of my blood singing through my veins toward his hot mouth to the explosion of orgasm at my core. He pulled up onto his knees, taking me with him, so I straddled him, driving him in deeper. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, my hand cradling his head as we continued to consume each other. We clung to each other with desperation while at the same time coming completely and fully apart.

  Shouting.

  Exploding.

  Shattering.

  Gone.

  Spent.

  Trembling.

  “Holy shit,” I breathed as we collapsed onto the bed. “That was not at all like the first time.”

  Xandru laughed breathily. “Fuck, I hope not. I’d like to think I’ve learned something since then.”

  Giggling, I turned my head toward him, unable to move the rest of my body. His eyes had always affected me, but the look in them now slayed me. I hadn’t thought it possible for a gaze to hold as much love and adoration in it as Xandru’s did now. For me. Me. And I’d been so worried he didn’t want me anymore.

  Reaching out, I wrapped my pinky around his, my voice dropping to a whisper. “That was not like any time. Ever.”

  He rolled over so his face hovered over mine, our lips nearly brushing. “But there will be more times like this. A lot more. Yeah?”

  I smiled. “Damn well better be.”

  He sealed the promise with a kiss.

  “What the hell is Tase doing in my conservatory?” I asked Xandru that afternoon as I sat on the cottage’s front porch, imbibing the nectar of the gods, aka coffee. If I was ever in a life-and-death situation and forced to choose between coffee and the sweetest human’s blood, I’d probably die from indecision.

  Especially after the day I’d had yesterday . . . and the morning we’d spent together.

  Xandru came out to join me with a freshly brewed mug in his hand and sat on the chair next to me. “He was there yesterday, too. Says he’s helping Mike with the metalwork.”

  “With a shovel?”

  “Maybe the steam pipes run underground?”

  “Hmm . . .”

  “Would you rather I do the work? I know you don’t like him here.”

  Sighing, I turned to face the love of my life. “Xandru, we still need to talk.”

  His face went blank. Not even a deer-in-the-headlights look, because there was no fear this time. He cleared his throat. “Er, right. Are you sure? I was hoping last night . . .”

  “Last night was a start.” I patted his hand. “I want you to know what I mean by all in, though. I mean that.” I gestured toward the conservatory, where Tase was doing whatever kind of metalwork required a shovel. “What he’s done t
o my family was . . . reprehensible. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t. I wouldn’t be back home with my family. I wouldn’t be with you. I’ve forgiven him. And while that doesn’t mean I actually like him, he’s your brother. He’s part of your life. So . . . he’s part of mine.”

  “Kales, you don’t have to take him on. He’s a mess. And it’ll only get worse.”

  “He’s family.”

  “Not yours.”

  I had to inhale a deep breath to calm my frustration, because at that moment, I wanted to beat my chair over his head. I exhaled slowly, reining myself in, until I could speak calmly. I stood and moved over to his lap so I could be close enough to capture his full attention.

  “Do you not get what I’m saying?” Holding his face in my hands, I looked him in the eyes. “All. In. All. As in everything and everyone. If it’s part of your life, it’s part of mine. And vice versa. I want to do this life with you, Xandru. Not just share the parts we pick and choose, leaving those we don’t like for the other to deal with on their own.”

  “I understand. Everything but Tase, though. At least for now. You don’t deserve to have to deal with his bullshit. One moment, he seems perfectly fine. The next, a switch flips, and you can see the monster he’s about to become. Right there, clawing at the surface. I don’t want you part of that. I don’t want you near him.”

  “Are you making a decision for me, Roca?”

  “Just wanting to protect you.”

  “I’m not a helpless damsel.”

  “That’s not what I mean.” He closed his eyes and groaned. “Please, Michaela.”

  “‘Please, Michaela, will you support me and your best friend in helping my brother?’ Why yes, Xandru, I will.”

  “Kales.”

  “Xandru.” I leaned in and kissed his pouty lips. “I want to be there for you. You don’t need to go through this alone.”

  “I’m not. I have my brothers and sisters and Addie.”

  “And they can give you the same kind of support I can?”

  He furrowed his brow. “Not exactly.”

  “So let me be there for you, whatever that means. And I’ll need you there for me, especially with Gabe now. I need to know that I’m also a priority in your life.”

  “You always have been.”

  I snorted. I knew he meant it. “Okay, I need you to show it. Don’t run away. Don’t push me away. Don’t hide your feelings anymore. Because, Xandru, you really did almost lose me.”

  He brushed his knuckles across my cheekbone. “I’m sorry. From now on, I will show you how important you are to me. You are most important. You, whatever you need, will always come first.”

  I kissed him between the eyebrows, then tried to explain better. “I don’t need to always come first. That’s setting an expectation that can’t be met. But I would like to come first a lot of the time, you know? And when I can’t, when something—or someone—must come first at that moment, I can still be with you. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. We deal with all the other stuff together. As one.”

  “As one?” he asked, tilting his head back as his fingers played with a lock of my hair. “So—business, family, everything? We deal with it all together, as in one brain, one voice, one person?”

  “No.” I sighed. “As in, we don’t shut each other out. Obviously, we’ll have things we have to do on our own. And we may not always agree and will have to make our own decisions. But that doesn’t mean we can’t talk to each other about everything. We should be able to rant and vent and celebrate and talk through things. We need to be open and honest with each other. We can’t hold things back because we think the other can’t handle it. Or because we don’t want to burden each other. I want to share your burdens. I hope you will share mine.”

  “Even Tase?”

  “Even Tase. Even Gabe.”

  “Okay,” he said on a heavy exhale. Pushing his hand back into my hair, he cradled my head and pulled me in for a brief kiss. “Open. Honest. In it together.”

  Elsmed Fairchild, in all his fae glory that revealed he was not at all the elderly human he presented to the public, glared down his flat nose at us with frosty blue eyes, and I just knew he was trying to read my mind. He had the ability, and I was sure he used it whenever he could.

  Old Man Mills also seemed intensely interested in us, even as the rest of the Court members talked amongst themselves. Well, except for the witch hunter Lilith Blackstone, who was understandably distracted, staring off into space as her fingernails tapped the arm of her chair. Her teenage daughter, Macy, had taken off days ago, and as far as I knew, there had been no word of her since.

  They were all seated at the table on the dais at the head of the main room of the Court of the Sun and the Moon, with the Petran seat still empty, as I hadn’t officially taken it yet. I sat in the row of folding chairs in front of them, Gabe next to me, his leg bouncing up and down as we waited for their decision.

  He’d woken up four days ago, on the day of the solar eclipse, and exactly as Xandru had predicted, with eyes that were no longer brown, but the moroi gray-green, and with an uncontrollable thirst. Xandru and I had stocked up on blood from Sanguine Elixirs, the local liquor store with its special section for supes, and Sindi had brought more from Denver when she, Aurelia, and Addie arrived back in town. We kept Gabe’s need satisfied while teaching him how to maintain control. So far, he’d done quite well.

  But he was still a newborn vampire. He had no bites, which meant this was all about being moroi and not shifter, but nobody could figure out why this had happened. I’d asked if old aether could have caused it, but Saundra and Addie quickly dismissed the theory. After doing magical readings and other witchy stuff, the Court had finally concluded it must have been something biological—basically, that his hormones had been whacked-out. At twelve years old, he was the youngest moroi and the only to initiate his own triggering, as far as anybody, including Mammie, knew.

  All of this meant he was an unknown—unpredictable.

  And school started on Monday.

  A gavel hit the table, and everyone quieted, resettling into their seats to face us.

  “We’ve made our final decision,” Saundra Beaumont, Addie’s grandmother, announced. While she normally had a severe look to her, with her white hair pulled back in a perfectly coifed chignon and always wearing a business suit, she looked at Gabe with warm brown eyes, one side of her mouth tilting in a sad smile. She and her daughter Lyra had helped Mammie care for Gabe and Aurelia after Mom passed, often taking them into their homes. Saundra had a soft spot for him. “I’m sorry, Gabe, but you’ll need to attend the Sun and Moon Academy, at least for this semester. Maybe the full year.”

  “No!” Gabe jumped to his feet. “That’s not fair! I didn’t do anything wrong!”

  “Not yet,” Old Man Mills muttered.

  “But I won’t do anything! I promise. All of my friends are at the regular school.”

  “This is in your best interest, son,” Elsmed said. “None of us know what to expect, and we can’t take any chances.”

  Odette Alverson tilted her head so her blond hair swung against her shoulder, and said much more kindly, “You’ll learn a lot at the Academy, and you’ll be able to drink whenever you need to. If something happens, you’ll be surrounded by people who will be able to help you.”

  “It only has to be temporary,” Saundra added. “If that’s what you want. You may find that you like the Academy.”

  Gabe was about to protest again, but I stood next to him and took his hand, squeezing him into silence. “We understand. But he will be reassessed at the end of the first term, right?”

  “Yes,” Roman Bishop said in a bored tone. His lids hooded his blue eyes, and with a heavy sigh, he waved lazily toward the door. “He’s dismissed.”

  “We still need you, though, Michaela,” Saundra reminded me. “You can walk him out.”

  I led Gabe to the back of the room and out the doors to the smal
l reception area, where Addie was redoing Sindi’s tattoo. She’d given her a quick visitor’s mark as soon as they arrived from Denver, but the plan had always been for Sindi to stay a while to help at the inn. She needed the magic given to residents, and while she was at it, had Addie elaborate on the Celtic design.

  “Who would have thought we’d be going to school together?” I asked Gabe as I opened the door for him.

  He looked at me sideways. “You’re going to the Academy?”

  I made my voice as enthusiastic as I could. “Yep! I have to learn some things, too. Things nobody else in this town gets to know. Because that’s what happens at the Academy.”

  As hoped for, this piqued his interest. “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “Hey, dude, check this out.” Sindi showed off her updated tattoo. “I hear you get one, too.”

  This excited Gabe even more, and I was sure he had no problem with me leaving him with the two pretty women so I could return to the Court. I slipped back into the dark basement room and closed the door behind me. Roman flicked his fingers toward me—well, the doors, I realized—and a hiss sounded from behind me.

  “The room has been silenced,” he drawled.

  “Michaela, you can take the Petran seat.” Saundra motioned toward the empty chair on the dais. “You won’t be officially sworn in until Founders Day, which gives you nearly a month to learn what you need to. This includes sitting in on the meetings and proceedings so you can come up to speed with current events. You just won’t have any voting privileges.”

  I climbed the three steps to the dais and gingerly took my seat at the end of the table. Elsmed pierced me with his creepy eyes, leaning forward on his arms on the table and slanting his head toward me.

  “Young lady,” he said, “sitting where you are is an automatic oath to maintain all confidentialities of the Court and to protect all secrets. Everything we do is in the best interest of this town and the protection of its people. Most of what we do cannot be disclosed to anyone. Not a single soul. You do understand that what is discussed here stays within these walls unless otherwise directed?”