I need to get her back.
There has to be some balance between her and the drugs I crave, but what if there isn’t? Hadley deserves so much more, so what happens if I choose getting high over her again?
When, not if...
It has happened before. She would never be okay with it. I don’t want her to be okay with it. I can never give her what she deserves and I’ll never be the guy who deserves her love. Fuck me, if that’s not the one thing that I want out of life—to be happy with her.
I need to let her go, for good...
“What?” She peers up at me through her thick, black lashes as her smile fades. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Because I love you so much that it fucking kills me.
“Nothing.” I plaster on a fake ass smile. “Does that offer still stand for a ride home? Not to be a buzzkill, but I’m fucking exhausted.”
Hadley stares at me for a moment, her hazel eyes search mine as she nods. “I’m gonna go grab my car and I’ll pick you up here, that way you don’t have to walk too far.”
Smiling back at her, I nod, exhaling a sigh of relief. “I appreciate that.” And you.
“Wait for me?” she asks quietly, her words laced with fear as she slowly backs away. Torment consumes her face and a pained look swirls with the gold and green hues of her eyes. The internal conflict radiates from her and sizzles in the air with the heat between us. There’s so much that has been left unsaid that looms over us, shadowing her words.
I can’t be trusted and she knows that. I’m a flight risk and she’s about to let me out of her sight.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
She pauses for a moment, chewing on my words, before turning and heading out into the parking lot. I watch her as she walks away and I finally see what Troy was talking about. I had memorized every inch of her body, but I didn’t want to believe that her pain was really showing through. She is much thinner than she was before. The circles under her eyes are prominent. Hadley looks like she’s been through hell and back, and she has.
I shift my weight on my feet, taking a deep breath, and clutch my abdomen as I hobble to the streetlight. Leaning against it, I wait for Hadley, just like I had said. I wasn’t lying when I told her that I’m not going anywhere. I’m a fucking mess, a walking contradiction with no solid plan. I get most things wrong in life, but Hadley was one thing that I got right.
I know that I should let her go, but I never do what I should do.
I will follow her through this lifetime and every one that comes after this one.
I’m going to fuck her up, one existence at a time.
19
Hadley
What the hell am I doing?
I quickly climb into my car, jamming the key into the ignition and start the engine. As I grip the steering wheel with my sweaty hands, my knuckles turn a stark white color and I let out a shaky breath as I struggle to not hyperventilate. The anxiety that bubbles inside competes against the adrenaline that floods my system, leaving me a complete fucking mess.
If someone told me that I was going to come to work today and end up with Ander after my shift was over, I would have told them that they were fucking crazy. I had never fully pictured what it would be like if and when I finally saw him again, but this was the last thing I was expecting. My biggest fear had been getting that dreaded phone call and seeing his dead body in a casket. Death by overdose.
It was and will always be my biggest fear for him.
Moving on autopilot, I put my car in drive and push on the gas, driving through the parking lot and back to the front of the hospital. As the bench he was first sitting on comes into my field of vision, my heart plummets when I see that it’s empty. I glance around, feeling the despair settling deeper in the pit of my stomach. It was hard to believe anything that Ander said, but there was always a part of me that would try to see the good in him.
I wanted to believe him when he said he wasn’t going anywhere and in a way I did. I shouldn’t be surprised to find him gone, but I can’t help but be filled with disappointment and dread. It’s as if the one thing I’ve been missing in life was dangled in front of my face like a fucking carrot, before being pulled away. Regardless of how much anger I harbor inside toward him, I care too deeply to let the anger fully take the reins when it comes to Ander.
Driving slowly in front of the hospital, I gaze out the window, swallowing over the lump forming in my throat. I’m caught in a daze as I creep along the side of the street, pausing when I’m directly in front of the bench. I stare at it, almost as if he’ll appear out of nowhere and be sitting there again. Movement off to the right from my peripheral vision catches my attention.
Glancing over, my breath catches in my throat as I see Ander pushing off of the streetlight and then he walks over to the passenger side of my car. I watch, frozen in place, as my heart pounds in my chest. He slowly pulls open the door and eases himself into the car. His presence is loud and consuming and he drowns out all of the thoughts that run rampant in my head.
With the door hanging open, he closes his eyes, resting his head on the back of the seat as he catches his breath. The pain is written all over his face as a bead of sweat rolls down the back of his neck. Feeling like an asshole and guilty for not helping him sooner, I quickly jump out of the car and run around to his side. He settles deeper in his seat, glancing up at me with a pained smile on his lips as I push the door shut.
I quickly walk around the front of the car and get back into the driver’s side, slipping behind the steering wheel. Putting the car in drive, I secure my seat belt and ease onto the gas, moving toward the street. A faint beeping sound rings in the car and I glance at the dashboard before looking over at Ander. He catches my eyes with a smirk as he grabs his seat belt.
“I know, I know.” His blue eyes glimmer in the light shining down from the streetlights above. “You’re gonna throw me out if I don’t put it on, right?”
His words take me back to a different place and time, back when things were easy between us. Back before everything went to complete shit. The first night that I ended up at his house, when he fought me on putting on his seat belt and I told him to get the fuck out of my car.
A smile forms on my lips and I let the nostalgia wash over me as I stare back into the deep blue depths of his eyes.
I would give anything to go back in time right now.
“I’d suggest that you put it on then.” I wink at him. His lips part slightly as a ragged breath escapes him. My smile falls from my face and I falter as silence falls around us. There’s a heaviness in the air as the reality of our lives looms over us. Clearing my throat, I grip the steering wheel and tear my eyes away from his and look ahead at the street. “Which way?”
“Left,” Ander says quietly after a moment. Stepping on the gas, I whip the car out of the parking lot in a rush. My flight instinct kicks in, but it’s unwarranted. I don’t know what I’m running from, when my ghost finally caught up to me. I steal a look at him from the corner of my eye.
He’s not a ghost anymore.
We ride in silence, only speaking as he gives me directions. There’s so much to be said between us that I don’t think either of us would even know where to begin. In the grand scheme of things, six months isn’t really that much time, but it’s enough time for two lives to go down two different roads.
My stomach slowly sinks as I follow his directions, landing us straight in the middle of the worst parts of town. We end up on one of the streets that is notorious for being one of the places that you don’t want to visit.
“You can pull over wherever.” Ander’s voice is small and solemn. “It’s right there.” He extends his hand, pointing out his window to a rundown house with a few windows boarded shut.
Pulling the car along the curb, I bring it to a stop and put it in park. “This is where you live?” I swallow hard, glancing over at the crack house.
Ander turns his head to face me, cutting hi
s eyes. “So fucking what,” he snarls as he undoes his seat belt. “This is what was in the cards for me. I don’t need your fucking judgment just because this isn’t the cushy lifestyle that you’re used to living.”
His words sting and I jerk back with a wince. “I wasn’t judging you,” I whisper as my eyes burn with unshed tears. “I just wasn’t expecting this.”
I don’t know what the fuck I was expecting.
Ander’s laughter is harsh and his eyes are cold as he pins them on me. “Oh, Hadley.” His voice is low and menacing. His smile falls from his face. “Haven’t you learned by now to only expect the worst from me?”
In one swift movement, he flings open the door, groaning as he begins to lift up from the seat. My hand moves to my seat belt. “Wait, I’ll help you.” My voice cracks as I rush to get the words out.
He glances back at me with his cold, detached eyes. “I don’t need your goddamn help,” he barks, pushing himself out from the car and onto his feet on the sidewalk. “Thanks for the ride.”
My mouth falls open as I stare after him, completely shook to my core from the sudden change in his demeanor. In a rush, he slams the door shut in my face. It startles me, causing me to jump in my seat. I watch Ander as he hobbles up the broken steps and slips inside the front door without so much as a second look in my direction. I don’t move; I can’t move. I sit in silence in my car for a few moments before the tears begin to spill from my eyes.
Inhaling deeply, I finally put the car in drive and slowly ease away from the curb. The tears cloud my vision and they don’t stop falling as I drive home, feeling as if I’m caught in some fucked-up time warp. I’m as lost as I was the day that Ander left me six months ago.
Where did I go wrong?
The apartment is dark as I slip inside the door and step into the kitchen. Wiping hastily at my eyes, I see a flash of light coming from the living room and hushed voices carry through the doorway. Dropping my purse and keys onto the counter, I don’t bother being quiet anymore. Sloane’s awake, waiting for me, just like she said she would be. There’s no use in trying to hide from her.
“Girl, get your ass in here!” Sloane calls out to me. “Shameless is on and your girl Fiona is on some other shit right now.”
I let out a ragged breath, feeling the pressure build in my chest as I gingerly walk into the living room. Sloane glances over at me, but I avoid her eyes as I walk past her and drop down onto the couch. She stares at me for a moment as she grabs the remote and pauses the show.
“What’s going on?” Her voice is gentle but laced with concern. “Is everything okay?”
Shaking my head, I close my eyes as a tear slips out. It falls onto my shirt as I take a deep breath and hang my head. “I saw him.”
“What?” she says in a hushed voice. “Where? What the fuck did he do?”
Lifting my head, I look up at her with a small smile, brushing the tears away from my face. “He didn’t do anything,” I lie, not letting her know the full extent of the cause of my pain. “Seeing him hurt worse than I expected.”
Sloane frowns as she gives me a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry, girl.” She pauses for a moment as she sits up. “He’s not in a very good place right now, you know? It sucks that you had to see him like that right now.”
I don’t bother correcting her, letting her assume whatever she wants, because regardless of what I say, Sloane is hardheaded and she’s a hard one to convince otherwise. “I know.”
My phone vibrates in my pocket, drawing my attention away from her as the numbness settles in my mind. I pull it out and unlock the screen and go to my messages. There’s a new message from an unknown number. My brow furrows as I tap on it and my breath catches in my throat.
Unknown: Hadley, I’m sorry.
Sloane talks quietly, but I can’t hear her over the sound of my heart pounding in my chest. I suck in a shallow breath and respond to the message.
Hadley: Who is this?
Unknown: Ander.
The air is quickly stolen from my lungs and my heart skips a beat or two. Clutching my phone in my hands, they instantly grow clammy and my knuckles turn white. My eyes feel as if they’re bugging out of my head as I stare at the screen in shock. Before tonight, we hadn’t talked for months. His number isn’t the one that he had before, yet he somehow has mine.
Hadley: How do you have my number?
Unknown: You underestimate my memory. There’re a lot of things I remember...
“Hadley?” Sloane snaps her fingers in front of my face, grabbing my attention. I glance up at her with my eyes wide. “Who is that?”
“Uh—no one,” I stutter nervously. “It’s just my dad.”
Sloane narrows her eyes, but she doesn’t question my blatant lie. “You know you have to stay away from him, right?”
Clenching my jaw, I swallow down the panic bubbling inside me. “From Ander?”
“Yes, from Ander,” she concurs. “You can’t let yourself go back down that road, Hadley. Look at what happened the last time with him. You changed after him and if you let him wreak havoc on your life again, I’m afraid what will happen to you. I just don’t see any possible scenario of how it would work.”
My phone vibrates in my hand again as Ander sends me another message.
Unknown: Will you at least give me a chance to explain myself? I shouldn’t have reacted that way earlier and I’m really fucking sorry.
I look back up at Sloane who is staring at me expectantly. “You’re right,” I admit. “I need to stay as far away from him as possible.”
Sloane sighs deeply, her sad smile matching mine. She settles back on the couch and I tune her out as I drop my attention back to my phone.
Hadley: Okay.
Unknown: Are you busy tomorrow?
A smile tugs on the corner of my lips, but I chew on the inside of my cheek in an effort to conceal it.
Hadley: No.
Unknown: You are now. With me.
Locking my phone, I set it down on the couch beside me and lean back against the plush cushions. Sloane puts the episode of Shameless back on, but I stare at the TV, not truly watching the show. I can’t help but feel a small twinge of excitement but I can’t let myself get my hopes up.
This won’t end well.
It never does.
20
Ander
Lying back on my bed, I set my phone down on the floor beside it. I came home and showered first before texting her. I didn’t want to come on too strong. A lazy smile plays on my lips, from a mix of the heroin that I just tasted minutes ago and from Hadley. She didn’t agree to it, but she didn’t say no and I know Hadley. She likes to play like a hard-ass at times, but her silence speaks words. After she said that she’d give me a chance to talk, her not responding already tells me that she’s more than willing to let me occupy her time tomorrow.
I was an asshole to her earlier. Blame it on the lack of drugs in my system at the time and the pain or just the simple fact that I’m an asshole. Either way, it was completely unnecessary. After all that I’ve put her through, she didn’t have to give me a ride tonight. She could have easily just walked away, not giving me the time of day whatsoever.
But she didn’t.
This was my chance to try and make things right. I would never expect her to take me back. Shit, I wouldn’t take me back at this point. The damage has already been done and I’m more of a fucking mess than I’ve ever been. But that doesn’t erase the fact that I fucking miss her, that I still fucking crave her almost as much as the drugs.
Hadley was the closest taste that I’ve ever had to heroin. Perhaps she’s my true addiction and the dope is just a distraction. The drugs numb the pain, but Hadley makes me feel everything.
A loud bang sounds through the room as my door flies open, bouncing off the wall. My head is heavy as I slowly lift it, looking in the direction of the sound. Anya stands in the doorway with her hands on her hips, shooting daggers at me with her eyes.
�
�What the fuck?” I mutter, dropping my head back onto the bare mattress. “Don’t you know how to fucking knock?”
“What were you doing with her, Ander?” Anya demands, narrowing her bloodshot eyes at me. “I fucking saw you in her car.”
A sigh escapes me as I roll onto my side and push against the pain to sit up. My feet rest on the floor that’s only a few inches below the top of the mattress. My hands fall to my knees as I glare back at her. “Since when is what I do any of your fucking business?”
Anya laughs loudly and the harsh sound bounces off the walls from within the small room. “It became my fucking business when I took your ass back.” She steps farther into my bedroom and stares down at me as she stops by my feet. “Did you forget who the fuck picked up the pieces after everything went to shit between you two?”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. I stare at her in disbelief, feeling my lip curl upward as I absorb her words. “You’re a fucking joke, Anya. You didn’t pick up a single fucking piece, not that I would have wanted you to anyway. We came here with a mutual agreement. You never gave a shit about my shit, just like I never truly gave a shit about yours.”
Her face turns ten different shades of red and I wait for the steam to blow out of her ears like a fucking cartoon. “Is that why you agreed to come back and help me raise this baby then?” she screams at me, throwing her hands out as her eyes practically bulge out of her face. “Did you fucking forget about that?”
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
“You know damn well why I agreed to that. It’s not like I had much of a choice or anywhere else to fucking go, Anya,” I remind her, the venom dripping from my tongue as I spit my words at her with such hatred. “If you’re left alone to try and raise that child, it doesn’t stand a chance. Not saying that it does anymore with two junkies in its life instead of one, but there was no way in hell that I am having that on my conscience. If I can in some way prevent that kid from having a totally fucked-up life, then that’s exactly what I’m going to fucking do.”
Black Clouds of Cotton (In Vein Series Book 2) Page 9
