I watch as Anya’s expression transforms. Her eyes fill with tears and she cracks. She fucking breaks in front of me. “She will take you away from me,” she says in a hushed voice, choking on a sob. “If she’s back in your life, there’s no room for me and this baby in it.”
Hanging my head, I run a frustrated hand through my hair and drag them back down my face before looking up at her. I hadn’t thought about anything past the next few minutes, but she’s right. I can’t drag Hadley into this lifestyle. I don’t want her to live a fucking life like this. In a matter of seconds, everything has become so complicated and I don’t know how this is even supposed to go or work out.
Who’s to say that Hadley even wants to be a part of my life anyway?
“Look,” I tell her, attempting to keep my voice level. She’s a fucking addict, she’s fragile and unpredictable just like any other junkie. “She gave me a ride home from the hospital because I was stranded. It was nothing more than that. Can we just take this shit one day at a time?”
“Are you going to see her again?” Anya’s bottom lip quivers with her question.
“No,” I lie, clenching my fist in my lap. “And if I did see her again, nothing would ever come of it. I told you that I am here to help and I meant that.”
Anya narrows her eyes, not believing a word I say and I can’t fault her on that. We’re all fucking liars, whether we want to admit it or not. Her face softens slightly and she drags her arm underneath her nose, wiping away the snot. Turning to the side, she drops down onto the mattress beside me. The shift from her weight sends a flash of pain through my abdomen and my face screws up from the intensity of it. Anya pays no attention to the visible pain that I’m in as her hand dives down into her bra, pulling out two syringes, already filled with liquid.
“I got this ready for you while you were at the hospital.” She shoves one into my hand. “I figured you could use something stronger than what they gave you there to take the edge off.”
I watch as she pulls out a shoelace tucked in her bra and tightly secures it around her ankle. She smacks the top of her foot, waiting for some kind of a vein to surface. “I thought you said you were gonna stop for the baby?” I growl at her.
She shrugs, not bothering to look at me as she pops the cap of her needle off. “I already explained this to you. Cold turkey is worse for the both of us. I’m gonna cut back, I swear, but after tonight, I think we both need this.”
It takes everything in me to not rip the needle from her hand and kick her the fuck out of my room. In a way though, it would be senseless. She would just go somewhere else to get high. I have no control over her or the situation, but at least I’m here. That has to count for something on my conscience.
Turning my back to her, I grab my belt that was discarded on the floor and wrap it around my bicep. Following her same actions, I get my vein prepped before driving the beveled edge of the needle under my skin. It plunges deep into my bloodstream as I push down the plunger, releasing the heroin into my system.
Releasing the belt, it falls onto the bed in a rush and I slowly pull out the needle and toss it onto the floor as a rush of euphoria consumes me. My eyelids grow heavy as the heroin sucks me into its depths, pulling me under. The entire room around me fades away and I forget that Anya is even here, passed out on the bed, high as a fucking kite.
As my eyes fall shut, I’m met with shades of gold and green and Hadley’s smile as she floats within the darkest corners of my mind. An overwhelming sense of guilt floods me, mixing with the euphoria from the heroin. All it took was one time and I’m already a fucking goner again.
For the first time in months, I’m sucked into the deep vortex of my high, feeling nothing but fucking guilt.
21
Hadley
Walking out into the living room, I find it empty as Sloane had already left for the morning shift at Gracie’s. Thank god, because I hadn’t come up with a good enough excuse for why I’d be going out today and not want her to tag along. I walk over to the fridge, pulling out a jug of orange juice and grab a glass from the cabinet. My phone vibrates on the counter where I had set it down. Grabbing it, I see the same unknown number from last night pop up as I go to my messages.
Ander: You didn’t forget about me today, did you?
Smiling, I set my phone back down and pour the orange juice into my glass. It doesn’t take long for him to send another message.
Ander: I know that you’re awake right now, staring at your phone, trying to figure out what to say.
Shaking my head, I bite my bottom lip, biting back my smile that comes with the euphoric feelings he gives me. Some things haven’t changed and I’m alright with that. I’d take the cocky Ander over the high and nodding out one any day.
Hadley: You don’t know a damn thing, Ander.
Ander: I know you.
The smile abruptly falls from my lips and I gulp. A wave of excitement and something similar to fear washes over me. My stomach flutters as I reread his words, because he’s right—he does know me. Or he used to. But at the same time, he frightens me with one simple sentence. I can feel him under my skin again and that’s simply because he never truly left. Physically, he may have been gone, but in a sense, I have and will always have some type of attachment to him.
And that is what scares me the most.
He has the power to do more damage in my life than any other element. Ander is far more dangerous than fire, because he won’t leave a speck of ash in his wake; more dangerous than air because he’ll steal every last breath; more dangerous than water because he’ll pull you so far into its depths that drowning is the only option; and far more dangerous than earth because he’ll burn your entire world to the ground.
The damage he entices is irrevocable and as much as it scares me to death, I can’t escape it even if I truly wanted to.
Hadley: You wanted to talk, so talk.
Ander: In person.
I shake my head, rolling my eyes at how some things really don’t change. He’s always been impossible and difficult, so that’s at least consistent with the Ander that I knew before.
Hadley: Fine. What time?
Ander: I can meet you somewhere.
Fuck that. If I’m meeting up with him, some part of it has to be on my terms.
Hadley: I’ll pick you up. If you want to talk, tell me what time or fuck off.
Ander: There she is.
My eyes narrow as I glare at the phone in my hand. I hate the way that my heart speeds up as I read his words. I hate that I can hear his voice in my mind and see that fucking smirk on his face as he says it. And the way the different shades of blue in his eyes would dance with mischief.
Fuck him and his effect on me.
Ander: As much as I like your bark, I’d have to say that your bite is even better.
Ander: Should I keep arguing with you? Keep pushing to see how high we can get the flames to flicker?
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, swallowing back the excitement and the anger flooding my senses.
Hadley: A flame can’t burn when the fire has already been extinguished.
Ander: But that’s where you’re wrong. Even after a fire has been extinguished, embers can still burn. They spark from the fiercest of flames, but they’re even more detrimental. Embers can imbed themselves into the tiniest of spaces and with the right amount of fuel, they can burn the world to ash.
Ander: The fire within you may have gone out, but the embers are still burning.
All of the air vanishes from my lungs in a rush and I’m frozen in place. My heart thumps in my chest, its rhythm erratic. I read his messages over and over as the lump in my throat grows. He called me out and I don’t know whether to be angry or cry. I wrap my fingers tighter around my phone as my hands shake. It’s always a mindfuck with Ander, and I hate him for living under my skin like he does.
Ander: I’ll be ready in like an hour. I’m at the laundromat right now. Let me know when you’re here an
d wait in your car. It’s not safe here.
Shaking away the unwanted emotion, I bottle it inside and lock it away. Biting down on my bottom lip, I run my tongue over the crescent moon shaped indents as I release my flesh from my teeth.
Two can play this game.
Hadley: Address?
I head back to my bedroom and quickly change my clothes as I wait for Ander to send me his address. It doesn’t take him long, and I confirm with him that I’ll be there in an hour. Even though I was just there last night, it was dark outside and I want to make sure that I go to the correct house.
It’s not entirely a lie, because I will already be there in an hour. Glancing down at my phone, I check the maps app as I stroll back into the kitchen, toward the door with my purse and keys.
Actually, I’ll be there in about twenty minutes, depending on traffic.
Not a lie… just a loophole.
Ander says he knows me, then he better damned well know what’s coming. I’ve never been one to listen or follow his direction. A leash isn’t something he could ever keep on me, so fuck him if he thinks I’m waiting in my car like a little bitch for him to come out. I’m going in there, whether he likes it or not.
Pulling alongside the curb, I put the car in park and kill the engine. I peer out the window, slowly scanning the various buildings lined along the street. This is a much poorer part of the city and it’s obvious just by looking at the condition of everything surrounding us. The houses are all in their own different stages of becoming vacant and turning into a pile of rubble.
Life in the ghetto is a hell of a lot different than I’m used to, but this is Ander’s life now and I want to know it. This is the part where I’m supposed to run off in the opposite direction—which is probably something I was supposed to do long ago. Yet, here I am, running directly into the eye of the storm, the fucking whirlwind that is Ander and his life.
Color me curious, but I need to see it for myself and through my own eyes. Not with him holding my hand and putting blinders on my face. Ander has a way of painting a picture that masks the flaws. He has a way of shielding people from the ugly in the world but look at where that has gotten us. Ander struggles with trust and honesty. If the only way I’m going to see everything at face value is by taking a page out of his book and going behind his back, then so be it.
I won’t let him keep me in the dark this time.
History won’t repeat itself.
I refuse to repeat the past with him.
Tucking my phone into my purse, I open the door of my car and climb out. I softly shut it behind me and lock the door as I tuck my keys into the front pocket of my jean shorts. My sneakers pad on the broken concrete sidewalk as I head straight for the building that Ander lives in. Glancing down at the steps, I dodge the large cracks and empty space from where they have fallen apart and stop at the front door.
Swallowing nervously, I wipe my sweaty palms on my shorts and glance back, looking up and down the loud street. Car horns honk, people scream at each other, doors slam. It’s a clusterfuck out here and it’s hard to distinguish anything that is really going on. He lives in chaos. He thrives off the madness of it all.
Curling my hand into a fist, I lightly knock on the door. It groans and creaks under the force as if it’s going to splinter at any moment. I take a step back, hanging on to the strap of my purse as I wait for someone to come to the door. I don’t know who lives here or if this is even where Ander actually lives. He said it was, but he also had an apartment that I didn’t know about for months when I first met him too.
A few minutes pass and I’m still waiting outside. Sucking in a deep breath, I step closer to the door and raise my hand to knock again. As my knuckles tap on the wood, the hinges creak and much to my surprise, it falls open on its own. I bite down on my bottom lip, tasting the blood on my tongue as I lightly press the toe of my shoe against the door, pushing it open farther.
The sweet smell of weed smoke, mixed with the scent of cigarettes wafts outside, curling around me as the loud bass from music somewhere in the house floats through the door too. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and step through the doorway into the house.
There’s no one to be seen as I slowly make my way inside. It’s everything that you would expect after seeing the outside condition of the house. The walls are stained, the paint is chipping and it’s filthy. Trash is littered throughout rooms, strewn all across the floor. The scarce furniture is riddled with cigarette burns and stains and the kitchen looks like dishes haven’t been done in weeks.
I walk through the first floor before heading upstairs. With every step I take, the floorboards creak beneath my weight, almost as if the steps could collapse at any given time. I make my way through the small doorway and step into another hallway littered with garbage.
“Well, well, well,” a voice calls from farther down the hall. Tearing my eyes away from the dirty floors, I look up and find Anya walking toward me. She smirks as she walks closer to me, crossing her arms over her chest. “What are you doing here?”
My eyes scan her face, taking in the various picked scabs and scratches. Her cheekbones threaten to poke through her translucent skin from all of her drug use. “Where’s Ander?”
“He’s still in bed.” Anya smiles sweetly, narrowing her bloodshot eyes as she drops her hands to her waist. My eyes travel downward as she strokes her small, rounded belly through her shirt. “He’s been really busy lately, so I try not to wake him if I don’t have to.”
Bile lights my esophagus on fire as her words sink in.
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
I swallow back the vomit and my stomach recoils. This can’t be happening. This has to be some kind of a sick fucking joke. The nausea rolls through me, my chest constricts and I can’t breathe. The walls around me are closing in and I can’t get enough oxygen from the air surrounding me.
“Look,” Anya starts as she drops her voice and steps closer, stopping as she’s standing toe to toe with me. “I honestly don’t give a fuck what you’re here for, but it’s time for you to go. I know what the fuck you do to him and I’m not letting you get between us.” She drops her eyes to her belly, smiling to herself as she softly rubs it before her hard gaze meets mine. “And this.”
She’s fucking pregnant.
Anya is pregnant with Ander’s child.
The color drains from my face as I stare back at her in disbelief. I can’t think straight. Images flood my mind of him fucking her, looking at her the same way he used to look at me. My stomach drops.
I’m hurt, devastated, and fucking livid. The disappointment—it shouldn’t hurt this bad, but it does.
“Hadley?” Ander’s head pokes through one of the doorways behind Anya, breaking through the uncomfortable silence filling the hallway. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you outside?”
My eyes burn as they flash to his. His brow furrows and he tilts his head to the side as my chin wobbles. Tears flood my eyes in an instant and I slap a hand across my mouth, choking back a sob. Anya chuckles quietly as Ander steps out into the hallway and I take a step away from them.
“Hadley.” Ander’s blue eyes are hazy and laced with concern as they bounce back and forth between mine. “What’s wrong? What the fuck is going on here?”
A harsh laugh escapes me, mixing with a sob. “Fuck you, Ander!” I yell at him as the tears begin to stream down my face. “You two clearly deserve each other. Enjoy your life and stay the fuck away from me.”
Confusion washes over his expression as he gives me a pained look. Spinning on my heel, I take off back down the stairs, my vision blurred from the tears as I skip steps on my way down.
“What the fuck did you do, Anya?” I hear Ander growl from behind me. Footsteps hit the stairs above me as I make my way to the bottom. “Hadley! Wait!” he yells after me.
I don’t stop moving, shoving past someone in the hallway downstairs as I sprint toward the front door. My hand fumbles with the doorknob and the
hinges groan as I tear it open.
“HADLEY!” Ander’s voice booms as he follows after me. “You got this all wrong. I can fucking explain it all!”
Stumbling down the crumbling steps from the front stoop, I fall to my knees onto the sidewalk. The chipped concrete cuts into me, scraping my skin. Pain shoots through my legs as I quickly scramble back to my feet and run to my car. Quickly unlocking the door, I rip it open and jump inside. Shoving the key into the ignition as I slam my door shut, I hit the lock button as the engine comes to life.
I can barely see as the tears continue to flow freely. A loud bang startles me from the passenger side window. Glancing over through my blurred vision, I see Ander standing there yelling at me through the glass. His hands smack the window again as a sob tears through me.
“Hadley, please!”
Tearing my eyes from him, I quickly put the car into drive and step on the gas. I whip the car away from the curb and speed down the street, leaving him standing alone on the sidewalk. My body wracks with sobs as I glance back in the rearview mirror and find him staring after me with his hands on his head in defeat.
Ander had warned me that I wasn’t safe here, that it was dangerous, but he was warning me about the wrong things all along.
The only thing that I wasn’t safe from was him.
22
Ander
A roar rips through me as I throw my head back, screaming into the void. “FUCK!”
I know exactly what she saw and exactly what she was thinking and she has got it completely wrong. And I’m sure fucking Anya was quick to convince Hadley that her thoughts were correct. Standing on the curb, I lace my fingers, resting my palms on the top of my head and watch as Hadley tears down the street. She blows through a red light, jerking the car sideways as she turns down another road and vanishes.
Black Clouds of Cotton (In Vein Series Book 2) Page 10
