Unless last night was all a dream…
A buzzing sound grabs my attention. Sitting up, I strain my ear, listening for where it is coming from. As my feet touch the floor, the floorboards vibrate, sending the vibrations through my legs. Wrapping the sheet around me, I drop down onto the floor and grab Ander’s jeans. I reach into his pocket, pulling out his phone just as the call goes to voicemail.
Anya.
A sickening feeling builds in the pit of my stomach as I see her name on the screen, along with numerous missed calls and messages from her. From the first time I met him, Ander made it crystal clear that he’s a liar. That he’s someone I should never trust. He swore that the baby isn’t his, that Anya doesn’t need him, so why the fuck is she blowing up his phone like this?
“What’s wrong?” Ander’s voice breaks through the silence as he reenters the room. He stares at me, his mouth slightly agape with his eyelids heavy. My eyes drop down to his arms, landing on a small bead of blood forming among the various track marks on his skin.
His addiction was always in the back of my mind, but after last night, he left me in such a daze, I had forgotten about it. My chest aches as I tear my eyes away from his arm and the evidence that he had to go feed his demons as soon as he woke up this morning.
As long as heroin was involved, I would never be enough for him.
It’s the one thing that I don’t stand a chance against.
His phone begins to vibrate in my hand again, drawing my attention away from the marks peppered across the skin on his arm. I swallow hard over the sharp razor blades that form in my throat as I hand it to him. Ander glances at the screen, frowning deeply, before looking back at me. “Babe,” he says softly as he declines her call. “Everything that I told you last night, I meant. She is nothing to me.”
“You must mean something to her since she’s been calling you nonstop,” I bite out, unable to conceal the hurt as it courses through me. There’s been so much broken trust between us, how could I ever believe a word that comes from his mouth? Ander’s phone vibrates again and he lets out a frustrated sigh. “Must be important,” I sneer, turning my back to him as I gather my clothes from the floor.
“What the fuck do you want, Anya?” Ander barks into the phone as he abruptly answers her call.
With my back still to him, I drop the sheet and quickly slip back into my clothes.
“Wait, wait—slow down,” he says, his voice urgent and laced with concern. “What do you mean you’re bleeding?”
Turning around to face him, I tilt my head slightly and cock an eyebrow. My eyes scan Ander’s as they rapidly search mine in a panic. “Fuck,” he mutters, running a frustrated hand over the top of his head. “You need to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Is there anyone there that can take you?”
Dropping down onto the bed, I watch him in confusion as he shifts his weight from foot to foot. I can’t help but feel as if I’m eavesdropping on a conversation that doesn’t concern me, but Anya called him while he’s here with me. The way that he keeps staring at me as he listens and responds makes me feel like it’s not something he wants to hide from me.
Maybe the days of lying and deceit are behind him…
“No, I’m with Hadley,” he snaps, keeping his eyes trained on me. “I’m at least twenty minutes away, you need to call a fucking ambulance.”
I drop my eyes to the floor, breaking his gaze, and wring my hands in my lap. Something is wrong, I can see it on his face and hear it in his voice, but I can only hear one side of the conversation. I can’t hear a word that Anya says and I can only imagine that it’s serious.
“I’ll meet you there,” Ander barks. I glance up at him as he ends the call and tucks the phone into his front pocket. He frowns deeply and his blue eyes grow a darker shade as he steps closer to me. Stopping in front of me, he takes my head in his hands, gently tilting it back. “I have to go.”
Reaching up, I hold my hand over his. “Is everything okay?” I ask him as I desperately search his eyes.
Pursing his lips, his eyebrows pinch together as he shakes his head. “Something’s wrong with Anya and maybe the baby. She woke up lying in her own blood and it hasn’t stopped yet.”
I feel as the color drains from my face and an overwhelming amount of guilt instantly consumes me. I never liked Anya, and I never will. Even if Ander claims to not have a thing for her, she will always remain a threat in my world. None of that meant that I wished anything ill upon her. And the last thing I had wanted to hear was that her baby might be in danger… a poor, innocent child.
“Is there anything that I can do to help?” I ask him quietly, lightly squeezing his hand.
Ander takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly as he stares back down at me with a look mirroring something similar to hope. “Can you give me a ride to the hospital?”
“Of course,” I assure him as I slowly rise to my feet beside him. “Whatever you need, just say the word. I’m here to help you, Ander, with anything I can…”
An unreadable expression forms on his face as his eyes stare directly through me. “I know.” Without another word, he shrugs on his black T-shirt and grabs his sweatshirt from the floor before slipping out of the room. I slip my feet into a pair of sneakers as I stare out the door after him, gathering my purse and keys.
Ander’s mother’s voice rings in my head from many months ago: “Sometimes you can’t help people that don’t want to be helped.” But here he is and for once, he’s asking for my help. Maybe, through experience and unexpected circumstances, people really can change.
Maybe this is part of his transformation.
Maybe this time he will finally accept all of my help…
The ride to the hospital is silent and the air is thick with the grim unknown of what’s to come. Ander puffs away on a cigarette, chain-smoking, as he stares out the window. He hasn’t said anything since I offered to give him a ride which makes him virtually impossible to read. In this moment, I would give anything to get a peek of what is going on inside his mind right now.
Driving on autopilot, I follow the familiar roads as we head toward the hospital. I’ve spent many hours inside that building, I’ve seen enough working in the emergency department to know that it isn’t likely that there will be a good outcome from Anya’s condition. With the bleeding that I overheard through their phone call, coupled with her excessive drug use and lack of prenatal care, there is no doubt in my mind that she is going to lose this baby.
I whip the car into the parking lot, pulling into the lane that goes around the front of the hospital. As we reach the doors to the emergency department, I put it in park, leaving the engine running. “You go ahead in,” I tell Ander, glancing at him. “I’ll go park and meet you inside.”
He stares at me for a moment with a distant look in his bloodshot eyes. “Okay.” He nods with a blank expression. He’s lost somewhere within the darkest depths of his mind, but that’s okay right now—it has to be. Without another word, he quickly slips out of the car and heads inside.
Throwing the car back into drive, I quickly pull around into the main parking lot and park in the first spot that I can find. The clear sky provides no coverage from the sun. It’s not even the middle of the day, but the dry heat is suffocating. I walk briskly through the parked cars and onto the sidewalk back to the entrance into the hospital. A bead of sweat rolls down the back of my neck as I approach the automatic doors and rush in as they slide open.
The sterile antiseptic scent fills my nose, and while most times it would be comforting, it only brings back bad memories today. Memories of when I came here after Ander and the aching hole that was left in my chest when I walked back out those doors that day.
I spot Ander sitting in the waiting room on a cushioned chair with his head in his hands. Involuntarily, I shiver as chills spread through my body and it’s not from the cold air blasting from the vents above.
“Hey,” I say softly as I drop down into the seat beside him. And
er turns his head to look at me, still resting it on his hands. “Is she going to be alright?”
Ander sighs deeply and nods as a wave of relief passes through his eyes. “She’ll be fine.” He pauses for a moment before dropping his voice. “The baby didn’t make it, though.”
Sorrow hangs heavily in the air and I’m at a loss for words. She wasn’t pregnant with his child, there was nothing like that between them, but that doesn’t make the thought of an innocent life being gone any easier to bear. There are no words in the world that can express the sadness and sorrow that surrounds it.
Reaching out for him, I gently rub his back. “Were you able to see her?”
“No, but I heard the doctor telling her inside the room.” Ander sits back in his chair, taking my hand in his as I pull away from his back. “I couldn’t go in. Fuck. How could I go in? What the hell could I possibly say to her?”
“You don’t have to say anything, but you can just be there for her.”
Ander shakes his head as he lightly strokes the back of my hand with his thumb. “Things aren’t like that between us. Believe it or not, we’re not exactly the best of friends,” he admits with a sad smile. “I know she wanted the baby, but I also know that she wanted the drugs more. In a way, it’s probably for the best. Think of the shit that that poor kid would have had to go through with a junkie as a mom…”
His voice trails off because there’s nothing left to be said. Every single word he spoke was true. It’s heartbreaking, just like any loss is, but it’s almost as if it’s a blessing in disguise. That child would have paid the price for its mother’s drug use as soon as it left the womb and began to go through withdrawal itself—not to mention any possible medical issues it could have had from everything she was wrapped up in.
“Want to go get a coffee or something while we wait?” I ask, rising to my feet. “We’ll give her some space and it will take them a little to discharge her. We can give her a ride and then we’ll go home.”
Ander stands up beside me, his hand still in mine as he tilts his head to the side. “Home?” A small smile tugs on the corner of his lips and his blue eyes shine as his irises swallow his pupils. “I’m already home.”
26
Ander
“What do you mean she left?” I snap at the receptionist, staring at her in disbelief. Hadley and I were gone for maybe twenty minutes when we went to the café area to get a coffee. “What the fuck kind of hospital are you running here, just letting patients leave that quickly after something so traumatic?”
“I really am sorry, but she signed the AMA form and left against medical advice,” she says softly. “We legally cannot keep someone if they’re not a threat to themselves or others.”
Of course she left AMA, just like I did after they brought me back from the dead the last time I overdosed.
I can’t be mad at her for that, not when it would make me a hypocrite.
Hadley grabs my hand, slowly uncurling my fist as she threads her fingers through mine. “It happens all the time, Ander.” There’s an underlying sadness laced within her words. She’s referring to me, the time that I pulled the same shit. “Let’s go and see if maybe she went home or something.”
Anya and I are cut from the same cloth, riddled with needle holes and soaked in heroin. We mask our pain and wash it away with the poison we inject into our veins. After what she just went through, the last place we’re going to find her is at home. She’ll be out for hours or days, prowling the streets like a predator hunting her next fix.
Staring down at her, I let out a defeated sigh as I nod. All Hadley wants to do is help, but she doesn’t understand the life that we lead. She means well with her suggestion, so I’ll entertain it. The last place I’m dragging her is into the gutter on a wild goose chase for an addict chasing their high.
Turning away from the receptionist desk, I hold Hadley’s hand in mine, leading her out of the hospital. We walk in silence as we make our way through the parking lot to her car. Stopping by the driver’s side, I open the door for her, closing it behind her as she slides in behind the wheel. I round the back of the car before following suit into the passenger side. Hadley starts the engine as I drop down into my seat, pulling the door closed.
Reaching into the center console, she grabs a pack of Newports, pulling two out and hands one to me. I take it from her, watching as she slides the pad of her thumb along the top of the lighter. The flame flickers to life and she holds it to the end of her cigarette. Inhaling deeply, she lights the end, the embers burning brightly as she draws the toxins into her lungs.
Her brow furrows as she glances over at me, catching me staring. “What?” she asks as she hands me the lighter.
“I knew that you smoked but didn’t know that it was a regular thing now,” I admit quietly as I light my own cigarette.
Hadley stares at me, her hazel eyes penetrating mine. “I guess there’s a lot that you don’t know then, huh?”
There’s no animosity behind her words, just truth.
Raising an eyebrow, I blow out a thick cloud of smoke. “Meaning?”
“Meaning, people don’t really change, whether we want to admit it or not.” Her eyes bore holes in mine as a wave of pain passes through them. “But time has the ability to change everything.”
Turning away from me, Hadley puts the car in reverse, backing out of the parking space. She deliberately ignores looking at me again as she drives us out onto the street and away from the hospital. Tearing my eyes from her, I stare out the window as I take a drag of my cigarette. Our surroundings get grungier, street after street as we head back into the shitty part of the city in hopes of finding an addict who decided to flee.
She won’t be there though.
When shit gets rough, we don’t just go back to the comfort of our homes to sort through our emotional turmoil. We chase after it with the comfort of whatever addiction that feeds our demons.
“I’m going to run in quick and see if she’s inside,” I tell Hadley as she parks along the street out front of the house.
Killing the engine, she narrows her eyes at me. “Are we really gonna do this right now?”
“Do what?” I ask, unsure of what she’s insinuating now.
“I’m going in there with you.”
“The fuck you are,” I growl, staring her down. “You’re not going back inside that fucking place—do you understand me?”
“Yeah, okay, dad.” She rolls her eyes. “Because it’s so much safer for me to wait out here. I’ve been in there once before, didn’t seem any more dangerous than sitting out here alone.”
“Jesus Christ,” I mutter, dragging my hand down my face in frustration. “Can you just listen for fucking once? I know it’s not your strong suit, but fuck, Hadley. This isn’t your turf. You don’t need to see the ugliness and filth that I surround myself with. Trust me.”
“Trust you?” she sneers, laughing harshly. “Sure.”
Her hazel eyes aren’t warm, they’re ice cold as she holds mine in a frigid stare. Any flack is well deserved, but she’s still stubborn as hell. Behind the wall of ice that she’s built, that flame still burns deep inside her.
And the anger toward me only makes it burn brighter.
“Fuck. Fine,” I bark, shoving open the car door in a rush. “Let’s go.”
Not waiting for her, I climb out of the car and slam the door behind me. She quickly hops out and strides onto the sidewalk. I head up the steps with her following closely. I hated her in here before and I hate her coming in here again. There are certain aspects of my life—many actually—that I am not proud of. Living in a crack house, with the people who I call my roommates is one that I’d rather shield her from.
I surround myself with the other faces of rock bottom, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the company I keep. I keep to myself, with my head down, only associating with them when I benefit from it. What goes on inside the walls of this house is unpredictable and you never know what you’re going t
o walk into. I can only hope that no one is around to expose Hadley to the things that will scar her for life.
Surprisingly the house is empty as we enter. As we walk through the first floor, Hadley slides her hand into mine. The softness of her skin meets mine as she laces her fingers with mine. Glancing down at her, she gives me a small smile as the ice within her eyes begins to melt. Squeezing her hand gently, I pull her along with me as we search the rest of the house.
As I suspected, Anya is nowhere to be seen. We stand in the doorway of her room, each of us with our eyes trained on the floor. There’s no evidence that she’s been back here, but there’s still evidence of what happened before she left. No one bothered to clean up the puddles of blood that now soak into the grains of the wood floor.
“What happens now?” Hadley asks quietly as she tears her gaze from the red stains. “I can call off work if you want to go look for her.”
I shake my head, knowing that it’s pointless. “I’m just going to stay here and see if she shows up.”
“She’s not in her right mind though,” Hadley argues. “What if she’s not okay?”
“She’s not, babe. None of us are,” I tell her softly as I trail my fingers along the side of her face. “She needs to escape reality more than anything right now and she’s not going to find that escape here.”
Her eyes grow wet as she leans into my touch as I cup the side of her face. “You think that she’ll come back though?”
No.
“She might.” I shrug. “It’s worth waiting to see if she does. She doesn’t want to be found, so going to look for her is as useless as it was searching this house.”
“I don’t wanna leave you here alone,” she whispers, chewing on the inside of her cheek.
Taking the sides of her face in my hands, I lean down, softly pressing my lips against hers. Hadley wraps her arms around me, clutching my shirt with her hands as she leans into my kiss. Slowly, I pull away, leaning my forehead against hers. “Come back for me when you get off work?”
Black Clouds of Cotton (In Vein Series Book 2) Page 13
