Watching Their Steps

by Alana Terry

  Sandy pulled Lacy’s car into the parking lot of Sacred Heart Hospital. “Take all the time you need, sweetie. I’ll just take a walk and give my legs a good stretch.”

  Lacy nodded. At least Anchorage was smart enough to spray for mosquitoes, so the bugs weren’t that unbearable.

  Her legs were weak as she took one tentative step after another into the main entrance of Sacred Heart. Her stomach quivered as if her body was afraid she’d be admitted again, operated on, and sent home with meds that turned her brain to fuzz but only took a slight edge off her pain. She knew Raphael’s room number but had to ask the volunteer receptionist how to get there.

  “That’s in C Tower. Third floor. You can take the stairs or the elevator,” the elderly man told her.

  She would definitely take the elevator.

  When she got to his hallway, her gait slowed even more. The incision site from her surgery throbbed. She took in a deep breath. She could do this.

  Whatever you choose, I’m giving you my full support. That was easy for Sandy to say — Sandy, who had made her decision decades earlier. Lacy thought about her mom, torn between a safe man her family loved and a boyfriend who promised adventure. Passion. Danger. She had never imagined Sandy with anyone but Carl. She had turned down the safe man.

  Should Lacy? Kurtis was so compassionate. He would understand. She had known Raphael for so many years. Had waited for him for so long. She had never gotten over the pain of losing him, and now that he was back in her life, how could she turn away from him? Especially now, when he faced such a long road to recovery? How could she desert him when he needed her to nurse him? Encourage him?

  They had been so great together, she and Raphael. They could look at the same painting and come away with entirely different impressions, but their differences gave them an hour’s worth of engaging conversation. They loved the same things — art, theater, Broadway, road trips. The only drives she and Kurtis took were to Anchorage to fill up on staples at Costco. The most danger she had ever experienced while dating him was traveling over the mountain pass at a conservative forty miles an hour.

  But what was wrong with safe? That’s the question she had asked herself time and time again. She knew she was still functioning in crisis mode, her brain still reeling from the accident. At some point, she’d have to address what Raphael told her before they crashed. He had made some bad choices. Really bad choices. Choices that cost Lacy four years of her life. How could she be sure he wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes again? What if they got married and he did something similar? What if they had a child?

  She pictured Kurtis’s daughter, so cuddly and headstrong. Lacy would do anything to guard Madeline and only imagined the protective instinct would be stronger once she had a child of her own. How could she forgive herself if she and Raphael had a kid they weren’t able to keep safe?

  Safe. That same word again. Offering so much comfort, especially after all that Lacy had been through. But so smothering at the same time. The bugs won’t bite you if you live in a plastic bubble, but does that count as really living?

  She stopped outside Raphael’s door and checked the number three times. Was she ready for this? No. But she was here. Raphael was injured. He needed her. Every other decision could be put on hold until he recovered.

  It was the only plan she had as she stepped into the room, but it would have to be enough.

  Chapter 21

  HE LOOKED SO WEAK LYING on the bed. His arm was in a cast. His face was bruised and covered with cuts, a massive bandage taped over one eye. A nurse adjusted his IV bag and nodded at Lacy.

  Raphael glanced over. “What are you doing?” he demanded.

  She stopped short of the bed.

  “What are you doing?” he repeated. His voice was gravelly, as if each word hurt his throat.

  “I came to see you.”

  “I don’t want visitors.”

  Lacy held her cell in her palm. “You sent me a text.” Could she have misread it?

  The nurse came around the side of the bed. She put her arm around Lacy’s shoulder, walking her a few steps to the door. “His memory’s not so good right now,” she whispered. “Head trauma.”

  “Maybe I should come back later.”

  The nurse shrugged. “It’s up to you. He’s not the best of company, but maybe seeing someone he knows will do him good. Are you a friend?”

  “Yeah. I thought I might cheer him up.” How could she have been so wrong?

  “You’re welcome to try.” The nurse pat her arm and slipped out of the room.

  Lacy went to Raphael’s bed. Her steps were slow. Uncertain.

  He didn’t look up. “I never texted anyone.”

  Her throat constricted. “I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

  “Well, get a good look and tell me what you think.”

  Lacy knew head injuries could alter personalities. She knew there were tons of medications that could make Raphael so agitated. If there was one thing she had learned from her foster parents, it was that love was unconditional. She tucked the corner of her blouse back into her pants. “I’m glad you’re out of the ICU.” The cheer in her voice was forced and artificial.

  “Makes one of us.”

  She took a deep breath, trying to remember all the good qualities that had made her fall in love with Raphael in the first place. “I’ve been waiting to hear how you’ve been doing.”

  He didn’t look at her. “Just peachy. Can’t you tell?”

  “I’m sorry this happened,” she whispered, wondering if saying so would only make him angrier. For some reason, it all felt like her fault. The car chase. The crash. His injuries.

  “No worse than what I deserve,” he mumbled.

  She took a step closer. “Don’t think that way. You’re not the one running people off the road ...”

  “I led them right to you.” His voice was suddenly stronger. “Don’t you realize that, Lace? Can’t you put the pieces together? I led them right to you.”

  “You had no way to know you’d find me in Alaska.”

  He let out a mirthless laugh. “I always knew you were trusting. I didn’t think you were stupid, too.”

  Why was he saying this? Why was he acting this way?

  “I came to Alaska because the Mafia put me up to it.” For the first time, he looked right at her. His eyes were dark, like angry storm clouds. “Are you getting the full picture now?”

  She hoped he didn’t notice the way her lips trembled.

  “They told me they’d kill me if I didn’t help them get to you. Threatened my parents and brother. They said if I didn’t help find you, they’d go after Carl and Sandy, too. I had to try something. Carl had told me about the phone call from the trooper in Glennallen. That’s how I knew where you were. The biking tour, the life-long dream of coming to Alaska, it was all a lie.”

  Her world was spinning. She needed a cup of water. Where was that nurse?

  He shook his head. “I may as well have killed you myself and saved the Mafia the effort.”

  She was weak. Hardly able to stand. She was so dizzy she couldn’t focus on him. He was talking like a lunatic. Was it the medicine? Why had the nurse left her alone with him? Somebody would come check on them soon. Explain again how this was all the side-effects of the drugs. That had to be the reason, right?

  “It wasn’t your fault.” She wasn’t sure which of them she was trying to convince.

  He let out his breath in a frustrated huff. “Have you been listening to anything I said? Geeze, Lace, get it through your skull. I brought these men to you. I practically held the gun to your head for them.”

  “Why?” Her voice trembled. She glanced at the door. Suddenly, safe was a word that sounded a whole lot more inviting.

  “I didn’t have the heart to tell you everything at first, couldn’t scare you away. So I tampered with your car, made sure you couldn’t make it to Anchorage without me. I was gonna tell you everything on the road. We had to get
out of Alaska, start over somewhere else. I thought we had enough of a head start on them. I thought I could drive us to Canada, get lost with you there. But I just dragged you into even more danger. I should have finished everything off in Massachusetts. I should have known they’d follow me here.”

  It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. “But it wasn’t your fault,” she insisted again as a gunshot ripped through the air, shattering her eardrums.

  Chapter 22

  SHE WAS FROZEN. PARALYZED. Somewhere in the back of her head, she felt her vocal cords screaming but wasn’t sure if the sound came out or not. Her ears buzzed. Swarms of angry, high-pitched mosquitoes.

  “Get down.” Raphael’s voice was garbled, as if he were talking under water. Her vision was blurry. Like watching a scratched DVD where everything appears in freeze frames.

  Raphael’s hand on her shoulder. Stronger than she would have guessed. Pushing her to the ground. She hit her hip on the floor. Banged her head on the hospital bed. Shouldn’t she feel the pain?

  Another gun shot. Why did they have to be so loud? A scream. Raphael’s scream. She had never heard a person make that noise.

  Drops of blood splattered on her blouse. Was she injured? She couldn’t feel anything. Had her entire nervous system shut down?

  She crouched low, certain the attacker would keep shooting. She wondered how small she could make her body, envisioned turning herself into nothing but a speck. A dot.

  Shouting. Curses coming from the doorway. Was there more than one of them, then? Another shot. This time, Lacy heard herself scream. Ear-grating. Soul-piercing scream.

  Terrified voices in the hallway. Her mind projecting the image of the shooter into her brain even though her eyes were squeezed tight.

  “Get him out of here.” An authoritative voice. Strong. In control. Someone she could trust.

  “Check on the patient.” Scared. She never knew so much fear could be packed into a single phrase.

  “He’s been shot.”

  A nervous bustle all around her. Lacy stayed crouched in place.

  “Got his artery.”

  More uneasy exchanges. Shouted orders.

  Raphael’s hand stretching out for her. Reaching down from the hospital bed. “I’m so sorry, Lace.”

  A worried nurse. “Shh. We’re gonna try to get you through this.”

  “Where is she?” That strong voice again. Stable. Safe. “Jo?”

  She couldn’t answer. Couldn’t open her eyes. But it didn’t matter. He found her. Dropped by her side and wrapped her up in his arms.

  “Are you ok?” Kurtis. Why was he here? How had he known where she was? “Are you hurt?”

  “I don’t know.”

  He ran his hands over her. It wasn’t until she felt his sturdiness that she realized she was shaking.

  “You’re ok,” he finally breathed and hugged her once more, resting his cheek on the top of her head. “You’re safe now.”

  Chapter 23

  HOURS AFTER THE SHOOTING, Lacy was still trembling. Two officers had driven her to the Anchorage police department. They didn’t tell her what she was waiting for, but she had a pretty good idea.

  They settled her in a room they assured her was completely secure. It was cold and drafty, with a dank, almost mildewy smell. A female officer asked her a few questions about the shooting, quickly realized Lacy was too stunned to offer any helpful information, and then left her alone with a cup of orange juice and half a jumbo Costco muffin.

  She didn’t realize someone was watching her from another room until she took out her cell to call Sandy and a loud, projected voice shattered the silence. “No phone calls, miss. It’s for your own safety.”

  She put the phone on the table in front of her.

  Secure. The officers told her she was secure, but that was a far cry from feeling safe.

  She was cold. Could she ask for a blanket? Why had that woman just left her with tepid juice and an old snack? Lacy had so many questions. Was Raphael ok? How had Kurtis shown up? And why? Who was the shooter and what happened to him? Had anybody thought to explain to Sandy what was going on, or was she still waiting at the hospital, wondering what was taking so long?

  She hated being cooped up in here. Cooped up with nothing but questions. She tried to squeeze her eyes shut, but all she could see was Raphael’s blood staining her blouse. Why hadn’t the police offered her a change of clothes? Couldn’t they see how filthy she was?

  A knock on the door. Lacy stood up from her metal folding chair.

  “You in here, Jo? It’s me.”

  Relief rushed over her like an avalanche at the sound of Kurtis’s voice. She flung the door open. “What’s going on? Where’s Sandy? Is Raphael hurt? Why are they keeping me locked up in here?” She rattled off each question without pausing for breath.

  He frowned. “Are you sure you want to hear everything right now?”

  She bit her lip and nodded. It was like waiting for an injection you knew would hurt, but the anticipation was worse than the shot itself.

  “Ok.” Kurtis sat in another fold-up chair beside her. “So, to start off, yes, Raphael was hurt. It’s ...” He lowered his voice. “It’s pretty bad. They’re doing what they can, but nobody seems too hopeful.”

  She wanted to tell him. Tell him how Raphael pushed her down out of the way of the bullet, but she couldn’t find her voice.

  “And they brought you here because we got the one shooter, he’s in custody, but nobody knows if there were others, too. So they’re gonna keep you here until Drisklay ...” His voice caught. He cleared his throat. “Drisklay’s on his way right now.”

  She had expected that much. Expected it and feared it, too. Lacy couldn’t meet his eyes. “Does Sandy know?”

  He swallowed and nodded. “Yeah. I told her everything. She’s grabbing a few things for you, and then she’ll be over. It’ll be her turn next.”

  “Her turn?” The pronouncement sounded ominous. “Her turn for what?”

  He stared at his knees. “To say good-bye.”

  The words hung in the air between them, filling the heavy spaces. It was so dense, Lacy wondered how either of them were still breathing.

  So this was it. Lacy had been so ready to be rid of Jo, ready to slip out of her old identity just like she was ready to change out of her bloody blouse. But not like this.

  Drisklay was coming. That could only mean one thing. A new placement. Except this time, Lacy couldn’t argue with him about whether or not it was necessary.

  She sighed and shut her eyes. She knew there would be no tears. Not today. Not tomorrow. They probably wouldn’t fall for a month. Maybe two. She’d be driving somewhere with her new driver’s license, listening to the radio station in a new town on her way to her new job, and a song would come on. Something that would remind her of Kurtis. Raphael. Sandy. Everything that had happened to her. That’s when she would cry.

  Then and not before. Betrayed by her own body, which felt some primitive need to conserve energy in this time of crisis instead of offering her the immediate release she craved.

  “How did you find me?” she asked. “How did you know I was in trouble?”

  “Something had been bugging me since the accident,” Kurtis explained. “Your car, somebody tampered with it. Somebody in Glennallen. But the Dodge that was chasing you was coming from the other way. So I got to thinking, and all I could figure was Raphael had done it. Maybe he wasn’t who you thought he was. Then Drisklay got in touch, said he was worried because you weren’t returning his calls.”

  “I thought he was just trying to get me to go back to Glennallen.”

  “He was trying to keep you alive,” Kurtis corrected her. “And then I told him what I’d figured about the car, and he said it was suspicious enough that we should look into it. So he made plans to fly back here, and I dropped Madeline off at the daycare with Kim and drove down myself. I called Sandy when I got to town and asked where you were. She said you went to the hospital to
visit Raphael, and ...”

  “It wasn’t his fault, you know.” Lacy wasn’t sure why she said it. She just couldn’t stand the way Kurtis spoke his name. “I mean, he was involved, but he wasn’t trying to hurt me or anything.” Was that true? Or was she just making excuses?

  “He should have thought of that before getting you mixed up in any of this.” Kurtis let out his breath. “I mean, I understand you two have a past together, but seriously ...”

  Couldn’t they talk about something else? Anything else?

  He frowned. “If he wanted what was best for you, he should have thought enough to stay away. He should have ...” He waved his hand in the air. “Never mind.”

  She was glad when he dropped the matter. “So did Drisklay say anything about where I’ll be going from here?” she asked.

  Kurtis’s hard-set expression softened. “You know he can’t tell me that sort of thing.”

  She nodded. “Yeah. I know. I just thought, with you being a cop and all ...”

  “I’m a trooper, remember?” He forced a smile.

  Lacy couldn’t return it.

  “I need to go soon. Got a long drive home.” He stood up. “I’m just glad you’re going to be safe. Finally.”

  He took a step toward the door, and Lacy realized in that moment what a fool she’d been. A fool to let her memories of Raphael tarnish her relationship with Kurtis in the first place. A fool to turn down Kurtis when all he’d ever wanted to do was keep her happy. Safe. A fool to have spent so much energy wondering if she could really settle down with someone like him.

  Now, it was too late. This was good-bye. This wasn’t a boyfriend and girlfriend taking time off to step back and evaluate their relationship. This wasn’t getting dumped, hoping one day your ex might regret it and realize what a horrible mistake he’d made.

  This was good-bye. Just as final as if one of them had died.

  They could have been so good together ...

  “I’ll miss you.” She stood and took a step toward him.

  “Me, too.” His voice was tight as he opened his arms.