Claw the System

by Francesco Marciuliano

My crony

  My pal

  My BFF, VBFF, BFFL, and VBFFL

  I will call you all these things

  And oh so many more

  But I will never call you “my owner”

  Nor by your name, which I forgot

  I’m thinking it’s “Sneave”?

  Is that something a person would call themselves?

  Anyway, we’re good

  JUST A CAT

  “You can’t play catch

  You can’t play dead

  You can’t shake hands

  You can’t roll over

  You can’t take a bow

  Because you’re just a cat.”

  Actually

  I do all those things

  All the time

  Only I taught myself

  So it’s not your command

  It’s my choice

  For how to occupy my time

  In the middle of the night

  When the ghosts are too busy watching you sleep

  NEVER ASSUME

  Never assume everything is okay

  Never assume it will stay that way

  Look for the flaws

  Find the faults

  See what is not right

  And then respond

  Respond

  Respond

  Until you’ve torn apart

  An entire roll of single-ply toilet paper

  Since anything less than two-ply

  Is like wiping yourself with a hand and a dream

  VICTORY

  I see all your taped-up boxes

  I see your suitcases packed

  I see all your furniture

  Being loaded onto trucks

  And I think

  “Did I really win by this much?

  Is this place now completely mine?

  Are they at least going to leave the sofa

  So I can have a place for friends to crash?”

  But then I see the pet carrier

  And I realize

  Every victory is another step

  Not a full stop

  Every accomplishment is another foothold

  Not the final summit

  And so I will continue the fight

  By drawing as much blood as possible

  As you try to shove me into that thing

  MAYBE . . . JUST MAYBE . . .

  IT WILL STOP

  Am I just talking myself

  Into deceiving me

  Am I just fooling myself

  About the possibility

  But I hear that others

  Are now repeating we

  Need this to stop

  Even agreed by my enemy

  The dog, who convinced

  The pet lizard to finally see

  That if we get up

  Stand up

  Rise up

  This house can truly be

  Along with the humans

  A shared responsibility

  Now, who gets the master bedroom?

  Acknowledgments

  My deepest gratitude to my family, Stacey Bell, Scott Mendel, Patty Rice, Kirsty Melville, Diane Marsh, Elizabeth Garcia, Tamara Haus, Stephanie Finkelstein, and every single cat who ever let me study them for hours without thinking “Get a job” or “I really should smack him on the head now.”

  About the Author

  Francesco Marciuliano is the author of the bestselling books I Could Pee on This, I Could Chew on This, I Knead My Mommy, You Need More Sleep, and I Could Pee on This, Too. He writes the syndicated comic strips Sally Forth and Judge Parker as well as the webcomic Medium Large. He was the head writer for the Emmy Award-winning children’s show SeeMore’s Playhouse and has written for Onion News Network, Smosh, McSweeney’s, and the New York International Fringe Festival. He lives in New York City and on Twitter at @fmarciuliano. He has yet to acquire a jetpack.

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