Piece of Mind
Page 12
[Handing her a sheaf of papers.]
It’s copies of Attikol’s accounts from the past eight years. You were right—he’s never paid Jakey anything!
D.
This is gold! But…well, it could mean the end of the Caravan of Wonders. I hope you realize that this might put your boss behind bars for a long time.
Ü.
[Chuckling.]
Of course! Anything else I can do, let me know.
* * *
And with that, Ümlaut bowed, tipped his hat to me and Dottie, and was gone.
* * *
Me
Sorry to interrupt. I guess you’re making progress on that documentary, huh?
Dottie
Great progress! I gotta thank you for that hot tip you gave me on Attikol’s unethical labor practices. Do you realize he has taken Jakey into forty-six states and can be prosecuted for slavery in all of them?
Me
Nice!
D.
And don’t worry, I always credit my sources!
Me
Oh, I have other worries right now.
D.
Like what?
Me
I fooled Attikol into thinking he has the black rock. I might be able to summon it myself, IF I can grant his second-deepest wish. Which is for MY imagination and creativity. Kind of a sticky situation.
D.
What if I ripped your mind and gave it to him—that would satisfy the summoning instructions, wouldn’t it?
Me
[Laughing.]
Sure, I guess it would. Only it would leave me WITH NO MIND.
D.
[Waving her hand dismissively.]
Oh, I’d just give it all back to you later.
Me
UNHOLY GLAMMERJAX.
[Breathing weakly.]
You…can…do…that?
D.
Well, sure.
Me
[Banging head lightly with fist.] [Banging head heavily with fist.]
D.
Aw, lighten up. I owe you a free one, at least, for that tip. Here…
[Reaching out very quickly and touching me on the arm.]
There’s your devices back. I don’t mind getting rid of that stuff…pretty loony. Now, if you decide you want my services, just call. Here’s my card. Don’t worry…
[Wry smile.]
…now that I’m bursting with civic pride, I work on a sliding scale—you can definitely afford me!
* * *
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!
Am seriously shaking my head at myself.
Why did I never question whether Dottie could return thoughts?
It is very nice—downright lovely—to have my inventions back in my head where they belong. And this bodes well for getting Jakey and Sabbath their thoughts and memories back as well.
Still, even with this proof that Dottie can return thoughts, even with the onset of her ancestral civic pride, I am a LONG way from agreeing to let her rip everything from my mind. I mean, how far can I really trust this girl? I need to consider her track record:
She cruelly ripped thoughts and memories from me, Jakey, and Sabbath!
On the other hand, now that I understand that she keeps ripped thoughts safely in her head, ripe for return at a later date, this does seem a bit less heinous.
She helped Attikol with his diabolical plans to steal my thoughts. ATTIKOL!!!!!
Yeah…but A) she recognized that he is a despicable dum-dum, AND B) she was just holding up her end of a business arrangement.
She tricked me with ye olde Rainbow Zombies rhyme.
To be fair, she WAS being paid to keep the summoning instructions safe for Attikol.
She let money be her number-one motivation. Uncool!
And yet somehow very democratic. She’ll help anyone who can pay her fee, without letting pesky things like friendship or loyalties get in her way.
She was willing to double-deal on Attikol.
But only when it didn’t conflict with their arrangements—she held those up to the letter!
She betrayed my friendly gesture of Film Night, told Attikol my plan, and thereby allowed his engineers to capture me!!!!!!
Oh, who am I kidding? Film Night was no friendly gesture; it was pure strategy. I WANTED to get captured!
So, to sum up: I may not always like Dottie’s motivation, but I can respect her integrity. If I make a business arrangement with her, I think I’m pretty confident that she will follow through on it!
And the fact is, after ten days in Seasidetown, I’ve made no progress in locating black rock.
What I truly need to ask myself is this:
Can I handle being without my thoughts, even temporarily?
Can I handle ATTIKOL getting my thoughts, even temporarily?
Am I willing to face those two terrifying things if it means summoning the black rock?
I think I am.
Later
Am painfully aware that Attikol is probably cracking the whip on the engineers, and that my window of opportunity will close very quickly if he starts to suspect that he doesn’t truly have the black rock. I’ve been monitoring feeds from the lab. Am very cheered by what I’m seeing! Apparently they are trying to make amends for having helped Attikol in the past…that, or, having met me in person, their hero-worship can no longer be denied. Whatever. Here’s what I read:
* * *
BrownTown
Hey, guys—how’s the DeceptoDuplicatoDevice coming along?
Speedy
Almost done. Just need to spray-paint it silver and fill the reservoir with black water.
B.T.
We got the stuffed bunnies?
GubGub
Seventy-six of them. All loaded in the hidden chamber.
B.T.
And did you make sure the controls look complicated but are simple enough for a four-year-old to operate?
Donkey
How does THIS look?
* * *
Am sorry to see skilled engineers using their talents to craft fake devices…but glad to see them using their creativity to thwart Attikol. Will keep a close eye on the situation. It would do my heart much good to watch Attikol play with a DeceptoDuplicatoDevice!!!
Later
All right. Just returned from meeting with Dottie at her house. Here’s the plan we hammered out:
As a gesture of goodwill, I would ask Raven to let Dottie out of the chokehold for once.
And after reassuring me that she considered an exchange of money to be a binding contract, Dottie accepted $4 to promise never to reveal to Attikol that I was staying in the abandoned souvenir kiosk.
I agreed to hold her harmless for accepting an unspecified (but apparently LARGE) sum of money from Attikol to rip my complete thoughts and upload them all to his mind. >SHUDDER.<
For $2 she pledged to inform me of any future business arrangements she makes with Attikol, while keeping mine secret from him.
She took $6 to swear that once Attikol had my thoughts, she would get some kind of statement out of him to the effect that his deepest wish had been granted.
Another $8 ensured she would then extract my complete thoughts from Attikol’s mind, leaving nary a notion behind.
For $13 she would subsequently return my complete, unharmed mind to me.
And for $3 she guaranteed to permanently rip certain thoughts and memories from Attikol’s mind, including ALMOST everything he knows about me and ALMOST everything he knows about the Shady Uncles. Yes. ALMOST everything—not the Big Rip! I considered it very carefully, but decided to take the moral high road. Oh, OK. Actually, I just want to leave him with enough mind to know he has been defeated!!!
For an additional $7 apiece, she assured me Sabbath and Jakey would get all their memories back.
She requested (and I granted) permission to peruse my thoughts while they were held in her mind, but only for purposes of strategy, if the situation happened to get sketchy.
And to make sure Mom was given my ThoughtCorder, which would contain at least a partial archive of my thoughts.
And to make sure Mom knew where my Living Will was stashed (hidden in a jar of marbles at the back of the refrigerator).
Later
Am hanging out in the kiosk with cats and Raven. Dottie returned Sabbath’s thoughts and memories to him on the spot (once I’d paid up, of course). It is SOOOO GOOD to see recognition in his eyes again! And to hear the retarded meows of love that are for me and me alone!
Have psychically informed Jakey that he’ll be receiving a visit from Dottie in the next hour and that he should not be afeard to let her deliver the mental goods. Also sent a big thank-you to him for going first. TECHNICALLY, I do trust her to do the job I’m paying her to do…after all, she did give me my devices back.
On a gut level, though, it’s a different story. It really, really scares me to make myself so vunerable to ANYONE. Swear to gob…if it wasn’t the only way to get my black rock…I’d never even consider this crazy plan.
So yeah.
Am monitoring the feed on Jakey’s trailer VERY carefully!
Later
OH YEAH!!!! Jakey has his memories back! Here are a few interesting snippets from the TranscriptoFeed:
* * *
Dottie
Hey, Jakey. You ready to get your thoughts back? Don’t worry—this part doesn’t hurt.
Jakey
Go for it…Aierrrrguh. OK, that did feel kinda weird.
D.
Not bad, though, right?
J.
Not bad. Hey, do you know why I was never able to see other people’s thoughts in your mind?
D.
I do have some theories on that. If we start with the assumption that thoughts are essentially energy, that is, impulses that everyone’s mind creates a little differently, then it becomes clear
* * *
A technical discussion then ensued concerning the nature of thoughts, and the unique personal signature that every brain stamps on them, and how a talented thought ripper could use that signature to group other people’s thoughts in her brain without letting them drive her stark bat guano crazy, and why a young psychic might not be able to see those thoughts in her mind. Am not pasting it in here, though. Mostly because (and this is probably what you SHOULD expect to see whenever a psychic and a thought ripper get deep into conversation on the nature of mental energy) they soon stopped using complete sentences and then quit using words altogether and started sort of grunting at each other, which A) doesn’t show up well on a transcript, and B) means nothing to those of us who aren’t mind readers.
ANYWAY.
Once Dottie had left, I got this nice message on the feed:
* * *
Jakey
Hey, Emily. I know you’ve been eavesdropping, but I just wanted to say, it’s really awesome having all my thoughts and memories back. You’re one of the good ones!
Lily the Parrot
One of the good ones! One of the good ones!
* * *
Later
Dottie has arrived! It’s time for me to say goodbye (temporarily) to my mind. Here’s hoping this crazy plan works and I am not a mindless, drooling idiot for the rest of my days!
Later
I am back!!!!!!!!!!!! Here are the transcripts of what went down:
* * *
Me
OK, Raven, you take good care of me while I’m out of my mind. While my mind is out of me. Whatever.
Raven
Uh…Kay.
Dottie
Why don’t you sit down? Get comfortable? You’ll be unconscious for a while…
[Grunting noises—twenty-six minutes.]
All right, that’s all of it. Raven, she’s gonna sleep for a while. Hopefully I’ll be back before she even wakes up!
[Door opening and closing.]
[Gentle snores.]
[Miscellaneous cat sounds—a few meows, some purring, one episode of yakking.]
[Door opens and Dottie enters.]
D.
Raven! Hurry, I need you!
R.
No, I stay with Emily!
D.
Raven. Emily’s mind is in danger! EMILY! EMILY NEEDS YOU! COME WITH ME!
R.
OK, I go with you.
Ümlaut
[Entering the kiosk.]
Don’t worry, I’ll take care of Emily!
[Door slams as Dottie and Raven leave.]
Me
[Waking up.]
Gooooooooooooooo…gah?
Ü.
Oh wow. Dottie was right! She really did take everything! Not to worry, little one…Üncle Ümlaut is here. Let’s sing a song, OK? I know one you’ll like. It’s all about an itsy-bitsy spider…
Me
Laaaaaaaaaaaaa…Leeeeeeeee…Laaaaaa…Leeeee
* * *
Am censoring the remainder of that scene due to its extremely high mortification factor. Suffice it to say that Time Passed.
* * *
[Door opens.]
[Raven and Dottie enter.]
Dottie
Everything all right?
Ümlaut
Sure! We sang some songs, she had her lunch, took a good nap…
D.
Sheesh. Did you burp her, too? Don’t answer that—it’ll only embarrass her. Let’s get her mind back where it belongs—UGH. THERE we go!
Me
AiiieEEurrrrrgabplgh!!!
D.
Feels weird at first, huh?
Me
Did it work? Did I summon the black rock? What’s Ümlaut doing here?
Ü.
[Bowing.]
Miss Dottie required Raven’s superior muscle, so she asked me to come guard you myself.
Me
Oh no! What happened? What did you need Raven for?
D.
[Sitting down heavily.]
[Groaning.]
I should have expected it—with all your thoughts in his head, Attikol was suddenly a WAY craftier dude and much harder to fool. He instantly knew all our plans and ordered his thugs to grab me. Luckily none of them was brave enough to touch me. I’d seen in your thoughts that he has a weakness for pretty women—AND an old crush on Raven—so I ran here and got her. She lured Attikol away from his bodyguards and then held him down so I could take back your mind.
Me
Wow. We’re lucky that worked!
D.
SUPER lucky!
Otherwise…who knows how this would have ended?
Me
I guess his essential lameness was stronger than the craftiness he got secondhand from me, huh?
D.
Well, it’s also possible that your mind sort of overpowered his, made him start to short-circuit or something. I should know, since I had your mind inside mine for a while…and that wasn’t easy. I don’t think most people’s minds could hold one as complex as yours without some ill effects.
[Shuddering.]
If Attikol could have integrated your mind into his, it woulda been REALLY bad stuff. I never would have made this plan if I’d understood the kind of adversary I’d risk creating.
Me
REALLY? Not for any money?
D.
Not for any money!
Me
THAT’S your Bright Girl pride talking right there!
D.
Maybe so.
Me
Anyway, I owe you big-time for taking him down while I was out of commission.
D.
Not at all! You already paid me $8.
Me
Well, THAT turned out to be quite the bargain. Now, did he say his deepest wish was granted?
D.
He sure did.
Me
And did you rip the Shady Uncle st
uff from his mind?
D.
[Tapping her head.]
Everything you asked for.
Ü.
Shady Uncle stuff, huh?
Me
YOU’RE still here?
D.
Hey…Ümlaut, you should probably go. Thanks for babysit—err, helping out.
Me
Hey hey hey. Can we trust you not to go blabbing to Attikol?
Ü.
[Blowing air disgustedly.]
I don’t do that guy any favors. And I’m grateful to you for removing the Shady Uncle stuff from his mind. I’ve been hearing it since we were kids. Maybe he’ll be a little less insufferable without it!
Me
You guys go back that far, huh?
Ü.
Yes, we’re cousins!
Me
Dude. SO sorry.
Ü.
[Bowing.]
Ladies, good night.
* * *
So there we have it—proof that I’ve granted Attikol’s (current) deepest wish—if only for a few moments. I MUST have summoned black rock now! It should be just a matter of finding it. And I know exactly where I want to look first!
Later-in the Boardroom
Grizzbots!
There is no black rock here.
Now, I don’t know for sure this is where it would appear. But based on something Dottie told me right before we parted ways, I thought it was a pretty good bet. She admitted there was another reason for her being here the night I came to install the TranscriptoVid—the night she first ripped my thoughts.
It wasn’t to find me—she didn’t expect me there at all.
She was looking for black rock!
That’s right. When she ripped Attikol’s summoning instructions, she also got a clue from Uncle Alaczar’s diary on where black rock might appear once summoned: