Dying to Be Slim

by Abby Beverley

  “Well,” said Mrs Lambert, “we usually deal with this type of misdemeanour more harshly but since the boys have apologised off their own bat, we can perhaps leave it there. I mean, if everyone is happy to do so. I shall have to write a brief report though, in case anything like this happens again. We have an anti-bullying database in school. It’ll flag up Greg and Charlie’s names if there are any further complaints of this nature from Billie or anyone else.”

  “That’s fair enough,” nodded George.

  “Y – yes…” agreed Edna, still dumbfounded.

  “Now we’ve resolved the cyberbullying issue, perhaps I could ask you if you’ve discussed Billie’s attendance record with her?”

  “Well, Billie’s mother tried to,” said Jakey.

  Mrs Lambert turned to look at Starla, presuming she was Mrs Jackson.

  “You tried to?”

  Jakey, not wanting Mrs Lambert to blow Starla’s cover, diverted the situation by knocking his glass of water over.

  “Oops!” he cried, innocently, but Mrs Lambert jumped up to grab some paper towels out of a low cupboard in the corner.

  “The thing is,” explained Starla, while Jakey and Mrs Lambert wiped up the water puddle, “Billie won’t be coming back to school to complete Year 10.”

  Mrs Lambert finished mopping and moved towards the bin to drop the sodden paper towels in.

  “Surely you’re not moving her to another school?” she gasped, then flicking her eyes towards Edna and George, she added: “Do you want to discuss this privately?”

  “It’s OK,” declared Jakey, “everyone will know soon enough. Billie is having a baby in September Mrs Lambert. She’ll need a year off.”

  Mrs Lambert sat down heavily and rubbed her bump.

  “Poor bugger,” she declared unprofessionally, but honestly.

  42

  Friday

  WATERFALLS

  The Waterfall family were all at Hilda Smedley’s funeral.

  Starla wanted to pay her respects and find the Celtic ring. Jakey wanted to help her and had, once again, rearranged his shifts at the Muncaster.

  Marnie had collected Skye from nursery at lunchtime, taken her home to get ready, then dropped her off at Katie’s party. She drove from there into Hawpeak where she’d arranged to meet Jakey and Starla at the petrol station opposite the school. Since neither Jakey nor Starla could drive, they needed Marnie to transport them to Hilda’s funeral. George Unwin had kindly taken them to the school from Jubilee Terrace but had driven home alone with Edna, who was still uncharacteristically silent.

  Clara had been left with a whole lemon and white chocolate cheesecake alongside a small jug of cream to tip over the top. She also had some films to watch – oddly, she’d chosen a couple of spaghetti westerns and some science fiction, which Billie had thought a bit out of character. Clara usually enjoyed animated films or love stories. However, she seemed set for the afternoon and Billie was at home to help her, if required.

  Mikey had finished his shift on time, nipped home to change, and then gone to collect Guy from St Jude’s. He parked up outside the school and was waiting for him as the end-of-school bell rang. A torrent of young people seethed out, like wasps from a shaken nest. Guy, still looking rather bruised, had exited slowly, unsure about Mikey’s motives for offering to drive him to the crematorium.

  As it happened, Mikey wanted to apologise for his violent outburst. He made it clear to Guy that he and Tina had talked a great deal and had decided to stick together. Guy would no longer be the third wheel in their marriage. He needed to either accept that or move away.

  Guy listened to his older brother’s ultimatum and said that he could accept it. For some time, Guy said that he had dreamed about backpacking around South East Asia, Australia and New Zealand. He felt that it was time to put some of these plans into action. And give his brother and Tina some time to recover their marriage, move house and start the family they longed for.

  Mikey, unable to contain the anxiety, loss and pain of the past few days, broke down and hugged his brother tightly. Guy hugged him back. Then, fearing for their reputations as straight men, they both coughed deep, manly coughs and separated themselves, each with a macho slap across the other’s back.

  Marnie, Starla and Jakey pulled up at the crematorium slightly ahead of Mikey and Guy. Gav and Morgan had arrived even earlier.

  Seeing a number of subdued people walking towards the pillared entrance, Starla smoothed her dress down and tucked her hair behind her ears both sides.

  “Shall we…?” She nodded ahead, without completing her sentence.

  The seven of them approached the entrance, following in the wake of the other funeral-goers. Once inside the cold ceremony room, they scattered themselves amongst various groups of grievers, on narrow benches that had borne the bottoms of a great many mourners.

  During the service, Vic and his sister, Ellen, had turned around several times to see if they recognised anyone. They were greeted, however, by a tide of unknown faces, since Hilda had an inordinate amount of cousins, as well as being very popular down the bingo hall. She’d lived in Hawpeak all her life.

  Eventually, Hilda’s coffin disappeared behind a velvet curtain and several individuals sobbed loudly.

  Vic and Ellen walked down the aisle and out into the April sunshine to look at the flowers and greet those who’d come to pay their respects. The Waterfalls hung back. It wasn’t fitting for them to approach Vic just yet, since Marnie and Mikey couldn’t remember their grandmother and Gav and Guy had never met her.

  In time, the mourners began to filter back to their cars.

  Vic saw Jakey and waved him over to the Patio of Remembrance, where the flowers were laid and the remaining mourners were gathered. Jakey grabbed Starla’s hand and pulled her along to re-establish contact with the man who had left her alone with four babies all those years ago.

  “Jakey, Jakey. I didn’t expect to see you here mate.” Vic shook Jakey’s hand firmly and looked into Starla’s eyes. It took him a moment to register.

  “Bloody hell! Clara?”

  Starla nodded and smiled politely. “Vic,” she said brusquely. “My condolences.”

  “Clara. I don’t know what to…”

  Vic was rendered speechless as he looked her up and down. She had borrowed a little black dress from Marnie’s bag. It was shorter than she’d expected and, since it was Marnie’s, it was a bit on the tight side too. However, it was certainly having an effect on Jakey who was almost chewing his fingers off, rather than touch her in front of any of the family.

  “I don’t know what to say… I don’t know… I… you look… well… you look…”

  “’Sorry’ might be a good place to start?” suggested Starla. “Or ‘how are my children?’”

  “Yeah, hmm… sorry… and all… well, them kids, yeah. Bloody hell, you look flippin’ fantastic! Jakey said you didn’t like to come out…”

  “I’m sure you misunderstood. He probably meant that I wasn’t too keen on funerals,” suggested Starla, “Let’s face it. Who is?”

  “Yeah, well, yeah…”

  “I was sorry to hear about your mam passing away. She was the children’s grandmother after all, which is why I’ve asked them all to come.”

  “You’ve brought me kids? Well, erm… I… I don’t quite know what to say!”

  Jakey beckoned the rest of the family who were hanging back, unable to hear the dialogue between Vic and Starla. At his wave, they all took a few, tentative steps forward.

  “Guy and Gav…” Jakey began the introductions.

  The twins nodded in unison; neither knew what to say to this man whose DNA they shared. An awkward moment followed. Vic seemed unsure of the protocol. He moved his hand as if to reach out, perhaps for handshakes, but he changed his mind at the last minute and used the same hand to slick his thinning hair back into place.

  “And Mikey… but he’s a tad bigger than the last time you saw him.”

  Mikey w
alked further forward and shook his father’s hand.

  “Vic,” he said, deliberately avoiding the word ‘dad’. “Good to see you again. I expect you remember my twin sister, Marnie.”

  “Err… well, she’s certainly changed.” Vic again looked uncomfortable. His little girl was a stunning young woman; the sort of female he’d probably try it on with during a boys’ night out.

  “Sorry to hear about Hilda,” Marnie said solemnly, moving close and linking her arm through Mikey’s.

  “Thanks… yeah, well… she were a good age,” Vic mumbled.

  Jakey finished the introductions: “And that’s Morgs, Gav’s partner.”

  Morgan, standing admiring one of the wreaths, looked up and nodded.

  “You mean that one of me lads is with a bloke?” Vic blurted, as if spitting something nasty from his mouth.

  Starla turned her back on Vic and went over to look at the wreath with Morgs. She stood close and put her arm around his waist. He smiled at Gav’s new auntie and tilted his head to one side just above hers.

  “Did I miss anyone out, Starla?” called Jakey.

  “No Jakey, you remembered everyone!”

  “Who’s Starla?” asked Vic, looking even more confused.

  “Oh, it’s Clara,” replied Jakey. “She reinvented herself. You know, new hairdo, slimmed down a bit, calls herself ‘Starla’ these days!”

  “That’s right,” agreed Marnie, who was beginning to doubt the whole Clara-Starla sisters situation. “I’m sure you know all about women Vic, or should I call you ‘Dad’?”

  “Er, Vic’ll do, love.” Vic was clearly out of his depth with this beautiful woman who was his daughter.

  “We’re off to the Arms now, Vic,” interrupted Ellen. “We’ll see you all up there in a bit, shall we?”

  Marnie, Mikey and Jakey smiled at her and Vic assured her that they were all on their way.

  “Jubilee Arms, is it, Vic?” asked Mikey.

  “Yep. Best pint in South Yorkshire up there. You drink pints, I hope?” Vic asked Mikey but the question was clearly loaded, judging by the disdainful look he cast towards Gav and Morgan.

  “Only with my brothers,” replied Mikey. “And…” he continued, “only when there’s no debt owing.”

  “Debt?” Vic looked confused.

  “That’s right,” said Starla, pushing forward. “It cost a pretty penny to bring this lot up. I’m sure you can imagine how hard it must have been for Clara.”

  Gav, Guy and Morgan moved next to Mikey. Together with Jakey, Vic was pretty much surrounded by five blokes that were considerably taller than himself. His only get away would be to jump over his mother’s flower wreaths, which were stacked quite deep and quite high across a bench in the corner of the Patio of Remembrance.

  “You’re all bloody mad if you think I’d bring wads of cash to me mam’s funeral,” cried Vic.

  “We just want the ring,” said Starla calmly, elbowing her way through the wall of men, holding out her hand.

  “What bloody ring?”

  “The ring that Connor Moore gave to you, Vic. Or should I say: Number Five!”

  Vic paled as Starla referred to the number given to him in prison by the Cobalt Bat Boys.

  “Hand over the ring, Vic,” growled Mikey. “We know you’ve got it. It’s Mam’s and you owe her big time. What kind of selfish prick leaves a young girl – a teenager, no less, on her own with four babies?”

  “Obviously, the sort of selfish prick who is going to hand over a ring within the next ten seconds,” menaced Guy.

  “I don’t have to listen to you. You’re queer anyway!” sneered Vic. “You’re no bloody son of mine!”

  “Oops! Wrong twin,” snarled Guy and punched his father hard in the face.

  Starla drew back, alarmed.

  “You’ve made me bloody nose bleed!” yelped Vic, bending over. “And I only just saw me mam off. Thump a man when he’s down, why don’t you?”

  “OK,” obliged Gav, taking his turn to smash Vic in the face as he straightened up. “And just so you know” he continued, bringing his knee up sharply as Vic doubled over again, “I’m the gay one!”

  “We didn’t come here to beat you up, Vic.” Jakey looked worried. He was not a violent man and couldn’t condone the twins’ actions, especially on a Patio of Remembrance.

  “Yeah well, a man don’t expect it. Not at his mam’s funeral. Not by his sons neither! Here Jakey, take this sodding ring and call off them bloody lads of yours.”

  Vic fished the Celtic ring out of his inside pocket and gave it to Jakey.

  “You’re a good man Jakey,” coughed Vic, wiping blood from his face with the back of his hand. “Good taste in women, too. Look after Clara, Starla, whatever she’s bloody calling herself. And keep an eye on all me kids and grandkids.”

  Vic stepped forward and his sons let him pass.

  “Oh yeah,” said Vic turning slightly, “I take it back. You must be me own flesh and blood with strong punches like that. If you change your minds about having a jar… well… you know where I’ll be for the next few hours. I’ll even get the bloody round in.”

  Vic didn’t wait for a reply. He just carried on walking to his car dabbing at his nose.

  43

  Friday

  STARLA

  Three cars drew up next against the pavement on Jubilee Terrace. The passengers alighted and stood in a row waiting for some kind of decision regarding Hilda’s wake.

  “So what are we all doing then?” asked Starla, standing in the middle and leaning forward on her toes to look to her left and her right, in the hope that she might elicit a response from those present.

  “I was just saying in the car that a beer would be good,” said Mikey.

  Gav nodded in agreement which meant, of course, that Guy soon joined him.

  “I’m not going to the Jubilee Arms,” yawned Marnie. “I’m ready for a cup of tea and some of Jakey’s delicious chiffon cake. And I’ve got to go and pick Skye up from Katie’s party in a bit.”

  “You boys should go,” said Morgs generously, “I’m happy to hang out here with Marns.”

  “What about you, Jakey?” asked Mikey. “Vic might be our father but you’re the one who really counts as far as we’re concerned.”

  “Yeah, I’ll join you for a couple. Vic is supposed to be my mate, afterall.”

  Jakey looked at Starla for approval.

  “Go on then,” laughed Starla. “I’m sure I can hear the beer calling you all. Don’t blame us if there’s no cake left though.”

  Starla watched as her sons and Jakey walked off down Jubilee Terrace. About halfway down the road, Jakey turned around to blow her a discreet kiss.

  Edna Unwin shuffled down her path and onto the street.

  “What you did,” she said to Starla, “at the school earlier. Well, George and I, we’re really grateful. I came out to say thank you.”

  Marnie’s mouth hung open in disbelief.

  “Looks like I’ve missed Jakey,” Edna continued, “Will you please thank him too.”

  Starla nodded.

  “I’m glad you’ve come back into Clara’s life. She needs a strong woman like you to help her but, please, if you need anything – and I mean anything – you just come and knock on our door. We’ll even babysit for Billie, if she wants to go out or something.”

  Edna shuffled back down her path and Marnie rubbed her eyes in disbelief.

  Morgan disappeared into the house, sensing that Marnie might need to talk to Starla alone.

  “What was that all about?” she asked Starla.

  “Oh, nothing. We just got the Unwin boys a reprieve, that’s all.”

  “Hmmm… they didn’t deserve that.”

  “Maybe not,” agreed Starla, “but I bet they’ll be more aware of their actions in future.”

  Marnie shrugged and began to fasten Skye’s seat back into the car, having taken it out in case she needed to give more people a lift. She suddenly stopped what she
was doing mid-job and spun round to face Starla, causing her to jump slightly.

  “I don’t know what’s been going on and I’m not sure if I want to know because it might scare me. But I know that you’re not who you say you are.”

  “Erm… what do you mean?” murmured Starla, swallowing nervously.

  “Somehow, you’ve switched places with whoever is in there.” Marnie jolted her head towards the house. “Mam, I know it’s you. Did you think you could fool me?”

  “H… how…?”

  “How do I know? Oh Mam, come on! I’m not stupid, you know.”

  “Er… no… but, it’s so far-fetched!”

  “It is, as you say, far-fetched. Completely and utterly. But I can’t ignore the signs. You say things only my mam would say. You do the exact same things that I know she’d do if she were able. You look at Mikey, Gav and Guy as though you’d move mountains for them with your bare hands. I’m a mother as well Mam. I know the look a mother gives her child. And I can feel it too. I feel it radiating from you all the time. You want to hold me close and, if the way Jakey and you look at each other is anything to go by, you’re certainly not a lesbian. You want to hold me close because I’m your daughter.”

  “Well… erm, wow! What do you expect me to say now?”

  “I don’t know. Tell me I’m right maybe?”

  “Do you even want to know the details?” Starla shrugged, defeated by her daughter’s watertight case.

  “Nope.” Marnie put her knee on the back seat of her Peugeot and finished securing Skye’s seat. “But I bet it has something to do with that Celtic jewellery.”

  “You’re such a smart girl, Marnie,” whispered Starla, her eyes welling up. “I’m so proud of you – not the, erm, you know… the ‘acting’ thing… but all the rest. Everything else. You’re a wonderful mother and an amazing daughter. You’re doing the best you can on your own. I love you so much.”

  Marnie closed the car door and locked it all up with a bleep. Then they were hugging hard.

  “Oh Marnie, my precious, precious girl. I’ve wanted to hug you for years but all that flesh… well, it got in the way.”