Baby I’m Yours

by Elks, Carrie

  Next to him, one of the nurses was chatting with the anesthesiologist about a series they were both watching on Netflix, their voices muffled by the masks fixed across their mouths. Normally he’d join in, or at least listen, but today he was too busy trying to calm the thoughts in his head.

  Five minutes. That’s how long he had until he needed to concentrate on the body in front of him. A fourteen-year-old girl with a spinal injury pressing on her main nerve.

  “How about you, James?” the nurse asked.

  He turned to her. “Sorry?”

  “What are you watching at the moment? I’m looking for recommendations.”

  He resisted the urge to rub his neck. That would add another five minutes to this hand washing. “I haven’t watched TV in a while.”

  “Oh.” She blinked, as though she couldn’t quite believe it. “Nothing?”

  He shrugged. “Nope.”

  He’d been too busy helping Harper get her apartment ready. And before that he’d preferred to spend his evenings with her wrapped in his arms, whispering softly about stupid things that made him feel wistful.

  How she didn’t like cheese as a kid, but now couldn’t live without it. Or that she used to believe moths were baby bats, and still screamed whenever she saw one. The corner of his lip twitched as he remembered the night she had a craving for donuts, and he’d driven around town in the early hours of the morning, trying to find somewhere open and serving.

  And now he’d messed it all up. Hurt her in a way he’d never intended because he’d been too caught up in his own world to think about her needs. He should have told Alice and her parents about Harper and their baby before they ever stepped foot in Angel Sands. But the guilt he felt for being alive when Sara and Jacob were dead had stopped him, the way it had stopped him living until Harper stepped into his world.

  For the past few months she’d pushed the darkness away. Given him hope where previously he’d had none at all. And he’d sabotaged it all.

  What a fool he was.

  The buzzer went off, and he rinsed his hands and arms beneath the tap, holding them up as a surgical tech passed him a sterile towel. When they were dry, he slid his arms into the gown she was holding, then slid on the latex gloves, using the fabric of his sterile gown to pull them over his fingers and palm.

  “Ready?” the nurse asked.

  “Yes.”

  She opened the door to the theater and James walked inside, reminding himself to leave his problems in the prep room, the way he always did.

  They’d still be there when the surgery was over, that was for sure. Even if he wished they weren’t.

  26

  “Thirty four weeks,” Ellie said as they walked into her office. “How are you feeling?”

  Harper had arranged to meet James at the hospital. It made sense, after all. He was working and she’d spent the morning at the Silver Sands Resort in a videoconference with the other designers as they discussed the running order for the fashion show. With only two weeks to go, everybody was tense, and Harper was no exception. On top of that, she’d barely been sleeping at night. Her head was too full of thoughts – of the baby, of James, and of course of the fashion show. It was overwhelming.

  “I’m fine,” Harper replied, smiling at Ellie. “A few aches and pains, but nothing abnormal.”

  “Your blood pressure is a little high.” Ellie frowned as she looked at the read out. “Have you been getting enough sleep?”

  “When the baby lets me.”

  James leaned forward to check the results. From the corner of her eye she could see his brow wrinkling. “One-forty over a hundred?” he murmured. “That’s concerning.”

  “It is. We’re going to need to monitor it over the next few days. Do you think you can come in daily for the next few days? I’ll ask the nurse to set you up a few appointments.”

  “You want me here every day?” Harper repeated, her face paling. “I don’t think I can do that. I have a big event coming up in a couple of weeks. I need to be prepared.” She’d just about finished the alterations, but she still needed to check the fit on her models again and make some last minute changes. Plus there was talk about changing the finale – which could mean having to make another dress to fit the theme. Taking time out for a daily hospital appointment wasn’t possible.

  Not if she wanted to fit in food and sleep, too.

  “I can measure it,” James said. “And send Ellie the readouts daily.” He glanced at Harper. “That’s if it’s okay with you?”

  Was it? The thought of seeing him every day again sent a shiver down her spine. But it also reminded her how easy it would be to let herself believe in the fairy tale. She felt torn, knowing how much easier it would make her life, yet how hard it would be on her emotions.

  “Yeah,” she eventually said. “That’s fine with me.”

  “And you’ve had no other symptoms?” Ellie asked. “No vomiting or headaches or unusual pain in your abdomen.”

  “No,” Harper told her. “Nothing.”

  “Okay. I want to run a couple of tests today to be sure. And James, I need you to keep an eye on things when I can’t, okay?” She smiled at Harper. “Since Daddy is a doctor, we might as well take advantage, right?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  “This big event. Is there any way you can get more help with it? I’m concerned about your stress levels.”

  “Not really, but most of the hard work is done.” Harper pressed her lips together. “There may be one more dress to make but I’ll tell them it isn’t possible if needed. This little baby is more important.” She patted her stomach.

  “Okay. Good. And do you have a plan to wind down after this? When are you thinking of taking leave?”

  “I have a few more custom orders to finish, that should take me through week thirty-eight. After that, I’m planning on taking at least a month off. Probably two.”

  “That’s sensible.” Ellie made a note on her pad. “How about you, James? Are you taking time off?”

  “I’ve requested two weeks after the birth.”

  Harper turned to him. “I didn’t know that.”

  “I figured you might need some help. Or at least some sleep.” He gave her the hint of a smile.

  “And how about your birth plan. Do you have it ready yet?” Ellie asked.

  “I’ve started it,” Harper told her, grabbing a printed sheet from her purse.

  “A start is good. You’d be amazed how many patients I see who leave it until the last minute, which is the absolute worst time to write it out. As your obstetrician, it helps me to know what you want, and to be able to let you know if it all is even an option. Can I take a look?”

  Harper passed it over to her, and Ellie scanned it, nodding as she turned the page. “It’s looking good. You’ve got nearly everything covered.” She tipped her head to the side. “You don’t want your mom in the room? You’d be surprised how many first timers do.”

  “No. I don’t want my mom there.” Harper’s voice was thick. “My friend Caitie’s going to be here to support me, along with James. And his parents will probably be in the waiting room.”

  “You try stopping them.” James raised an eyebrow.

  “And have you packed your bag yet? We recommend doing that around now. Just in case.” Ellie winked.

  “I have.” She’d packed and unpacked it a dozen times. Right now it was by her bed, filled with everything she thought she needed.

  “Then you’re one up on most women I see. Okay, so let’s get to the fun stuff.” Ellie clapped her hands together. “You guys want to take another look at your baby?”

  * * *

  “How worried should I be about my blood pressure?” Harper asked once they’d left Ellie’s office. They were standing in the main entrance of the hospital. James was still dressed in his green scrubs, ready to go back to work, but he’d insisted on walking her to her car.

  “It’s concerning, but you shouldn’t worry too much. Because it will m
ake your blood pressure spike more. It’s one of those things that needs monitoring and if there are any massive changes we call Ellie. You don’t have any swelling to your hands or feet, and you aren’t showing any other concerning signs. Just keep trying to relax. Maybe do some yoga or other relaxation.”

  “What happens if I get worse?”

  “Then Ellie will want you to come right in and they’ll assess you. But you probably won’t. The majority of women who have high blood pressure have perfectly normal births.”

  “And the others?”

  “Might have to have an emergency cesarean to make sure they and the baby are healthy.”

  Harper took a deep breath, trying to keep the panic at bay. She’d been as cool as she could in the office, but knowing there could be complications made her want to cry. “I’m scared,” she said quietly.

  James stepped forward, as though he was going to hug her, and she found herself stepping away. God, it would be so easy to let him hold her, comfort her, pretend everything was okay. But she couldn’t do that. Not now.

  She wasn’t her mom. She was stronger than that.

  He dropped his hands back to his side, as though he’d thought better of even trying to touch her. “It’s going to be okay,” he told her. “Ellie is an amazing physician. She knows exactly what she’s doing. If she thought you needed more observations she’d tell you. Just do what she said, try to keep the stress to a minimum and relax as much as you can. I know it’s hard for you at the moment.”

  “I don’t want to put the baby in danger, but I need to keep working for a few more weeks. I have no choice.”

  “There’s always a choice.”

  “Not if I want to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.”

  He looked at her, his gaze unwavering. “I can help you with that.” He sighed. “I know you don’t want my help, and I understand why. But you and the baby will always have a home and food. I’ll make sure of it.”

  There was such a sweetness to his words, it made her yearn for him. “I know you would.”

  “But you wouldn’t slow down anyway.”

  She gave him a half-smile. “I’ll do whatever I can. I’ll speak to the event coordinator at Silver Sands and explain the situation. And I’m going to stop taking any more custom orders until the baby is born.” She patted her stomach. “Nothing is more important than this baby. I’m not going to risk losing her.”

  He took in a sharp intake of air. The clouds came down over his face, as though he was remembering Jacob and Sara. Harper felt her heart clench for him.

  “She’s going to be okay,” she told him. “She is. I’ll make sure of it.”

  “We both will.”

  “I’m going to head back home. Do a little bit of work and head over to the studio for some yoga.”

  “See? You can be a good patient when you want to be.”

  Harper laughed. “I guess we’ll see about that.” She inclined her head to meet his eyes. “Goodbye, James.”

  “I’ll call you later. We can arrange a time to take your blood pressure tomorrow.”

  “Sounds good.” She lifted her hand in goodbye, then turned on her heel and headed to the glass doors. It was only when she walked out into the open air that she realized they hadn’t talked about last weekend at all. He’d put no pressure on her to discuss Alice, or how she was feeling about the situation.

  And she was grateful for that. Because right now she needed to concentrate on growing this baby, and keeping her safe until the time was right to give birth.

  * * *

  Rich looked surprised when he opened his door to James that night. “What’s up?” he asked, his head tipping to the side as he scrutinized his friend. “Oh, hey, you wanna come in?”

  “Only if I’m not disturbing you.”

  Rich shrugged. “Mi casa es su casa, my friend. And if by disturbing you mean dragging me away from deciding on whether to order Chinese food or pizza, yeah, you’re a big distraction.” He grinned. “Come on in, we can order for two.”

  James followed Rich into his living room. He lived in an apartment three blocks from the beach. The floor-to-ceiling windows of his tenth floor home overlooked the ocean, framing the view like it was a moving picture. The television was on, but muted, a sportscaster opening and closing his mouth as no doubt he imparted the details of that day’s sporting news.

  “You want a drink?” Rich asked, taking a sip from his half-full bottle of beer.

  “Just a soda. I’m driving.”

  Rich pulled a can from the refrigerator and threw it to James. “I’d wait a minute before you open it.” He winked. “You want me to order you some food? I think I’ve decided on Chinese.”

  “I’m good.” James wasn’t feeling all that hungry; hadn’t been all day. After the appointment, he’d spent the afternoon meeting with patients, trying – and failing – to put Harper and the baby out of his mind.

  “How’s Harper?” Rich asked, as though he was clairvoyant.

  “Not great. We had an appointment with Ellie today. Her blood pressure is elevated. We’re having to check it daily.”

  God, he’d wanted to turn back the clock to last week. Call Alice and her parents and tell them about Harper, invite them to meet her, even. He’d made so many mistakes and it was killing him to think he’d caused Harper more stress. Because all he wanted to do was put his arms around her and protect her.

  He popped the tab of the soda and lifted it to his mouth to drink the bubbling overspill. “I’ve messed everything up,” he said as he swallowed. “But that’s the story of my life, isn’t it?”

  Rich looked up from where he was ordering on his phone. “What did you do?”

  “I didn’t tell Sara’s family about Harper. And when they came to visit on Saturday they discovered her in the basement.”

  Rich’s lips twitched, as though he couldn’t quite decide between amusement and horror. “Oh shit. What did Harper do?” He put his phone down on the table, leaning forward to listen to James as he recounted the events of that day.

  “So you two are in some kind of relationship?” Rich clarified.

  “We were, but I don’t think we are anymore.” James took a sip of soda, but it tasted like ashes in his mouth. “I don’t know really.”

  “And you haven’t talked about it?” Rich asked.

  “We were supposed to talk today, but then this stuff about her blood pressure came up.” James swallowed. “What if it’s my fault? I’m the one causing all the stress. I can’t put her or the baby in danger because I want to know where I stand with her.”

  Rich pressed his lips together. “I can see that. So what are you going to do? Wait until her blood pressure’s back to normal? What if it spikes again? Or will you keep your mouth shut until she’s given birth?” He looked at James intently. “Jesus, don’t tell me you’re never going to say anything. That would be crazy.”

  “I’m going to take my lead from her.”

  Rich blinked. “What if this is it? What if she never mentions it again? Are you going to just keep on like this?”

  James’s chest clenched. The thought of not being able to touch her, to hold her, to curl his body around hers again until he wasn’t sure where he ended and she began – it killed him.

  “How do you feel about her?” Rich asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  Rich smiled. “I mean, do you love her?”

  He didn’t need to think about it. The answer was in his heart. It was in the way he thought about her night and day, the way he wanted her so badly. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I’m in love with her.”

  “Then for Christ’s sake tell her. She’s a catch, man. And for some crazy reason you’re the guy who caught her. Don’t let your fears hold you back. Wait until the baby comes if you want, but after that you need to start fighting for her.” Rich shook his head. “I had no idea the two of you were in a relationship, but now that I know, it makes sense. I’ve seen you smile more in t
he past few months than you have for years. I’ve watched you come alive again, when I thought we’d lost you for good. More than anything, man, I’ve seen you be happy, and that makes me so goddamned happy. Don’t let this thing go without a fight.”

  James looked at his friend through fresh eyes. They’d known each other for years, since before they’d become doctors, before he’d even met Sara. And not once had he heard Rich sound so impassioned.

  “Thank you,” James said, his throat scratchy. “Thank you for always being here.”

  “It’s killed me to watch you go through this. To see you lose Sara and Jacob, and yourself. There was nothing I could do to take your pain away. Then here comes this second chance. This woman who, for some reason, wants to give you everything. And all she really wants in return is some honesty.”

  “I know.” James took a deep breath. “And you’re right. About all of it.” His lips lifted in a smile. “Thanks for caring. I appreciate it.”

  “Show me your appreciation by not messing it up.” Rich smiled back at him. “And now I’m going to order some takeout before my stomach implodes.”

  27

  Harper opened the door to her apartment, taking a deep breath when she saw James standing outside. He was carrying a cardboard tray with a coffee, a juice, and two muffins on top. Why did he make it impossible to push down her feelings for him?

  “Hey. How are you feeling?” he asked.

  “I’m okay. I took a nap earlier so that helped.” She stood aside so he could come in. He waited for her to lead him into the kitchen where he put the tray on her granite counter. “Excuse the mess,” she said, looking at the rack of dresses that filled the living room. “It’ll all be gone in a couple of weeks.”

  “How are the preparations for the fashion show going?”

  “I think I’ll manage it. We’ve got a run through next week and the big day on Saturday.” She looked shyly at him. “Would you like to come and watch?”

  “Yeah,” he said slowly. “I’d like that a lot.”