[Brenda & Effie 05] - Bride That Time Forgot

by Paul Magrs

  She sat quietly for a while, thinking furiously.

  ‘I still can’t believe this place is Whitby in the future,’ said Robert dismally. ‘They’ve let it go to rack and ruin.’

  Brenda said, ‘I once knew a fella with a time machine. Friend of Mrs Mapp’s. He’d built this thing and it just looked like a pile of chairs really, on top of an old brass bedstead. He kept nipping into the far future and oh, he said it was horrible. Just a few mollusc-like creatures flopping about on a radioactive beach. He didn’t have much good to say about it.’

  Robert was staring at her, open-mouthed. ‘Brenda! Your memories!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’re remembering more than ever! Listen to yourself, woman!’

  She boggled at him. ‘You’re right!’ She brought both hands up to cover her face. ‘I’m remembering things about the early part of the last century, and Mrs Mapp . . . all without the aid of hypnotism and Henry! This is . . . this is so strange!’

  ‘Must be something in the air,’ Gila said.

  ‘Something besides the reek of carnage,’ added Robert. ‘What else? What else do you remember? Think! You might come up with something useful!’

  She looked confused. ‘I don’t know. Something strange is going on . . . it’s like my head’s filling up . . . like something or someone has opened up the floodgates. Ooh, I’ll have to sit down . . .’ She did so, and the boys gathered round her. ‘The Martians! I remember the Martians! The actual Martians from Mars. And . . . and . . .’

  Robert rubbed her back. ‘Keep calm, Brenda. Now’s not the time to go freaking out.’

  ‘I need a pen and paper . . . I need to . . .’ She stopped. ‘I wonder if this is an effect of going through the Dreadful Flap and travelling through time? Do you think it could be? It’s made me . . . more complete . . . unearthed some of my past for me at last.’

  Robert wasn’t about to point out that, nice as that may be, it wouldn’t be much use to any of them for very long. Outside in the clearing some kind of fluting, hissing chanting had begun. Some of the bats were banging drums. The ceremonials were about to start.

  ‘Dr Watson!’ Brenda burst out. ‘How could I forget him?’

  ‘Brenda.’ Robert shook her shoulder gently. ‘We have to do something about saving our necks. The bloody bats are starting up their rituals out there.’

  ‘Hm, lovey?’ She blinked at him. It was as if it took a lot of effort to drag her thoughts back to the present moment. ‘You’ll never guess what I was up to the day the Martians invaded! And who I was with!’

  Robert hated being short with her. ‘We have to think of something fast, Brenda.’

  ‘Oh . . . Oh! You’re right.’

  But she was having a funny turn.

  The rough doorway’s festoon of jungle vines was yanked back and one of the more burly of the blood beasts was silhouetted there all of a sudden. Looking very menacing indeed.

  ‘They’ve come for us,’ Gila said.

  ‘They’re not messing around, are they?’ said Robert. ‘They must be thirsty.’

  Brenda surprised them all by bursting out laughing. They turned to see that she was still absorbed in her own precious theatre of the mind. ‘Oh my goodness! The sixties! Of course! So that’s what I was doing! Ooh!’ Robert distinctly heard her add, ‘MIAOW.’

  ‘Brenda!’ he hissed. ‘Snap out of it!’

  ‘What was that, lovey?’ She shook herself and saw the creatures that had come for them.

  From Brenda’s journal.

  To be placed inside my safe, with all my other souvenirs of mad adventures past. (Just in case anyone ever needs to know what went on in Qab.)

  I could be resentful. I could be cross. I’d have every reason to be. I mean, just think about it. Look at the curious state I was in, right then and there. My memories were coming back to me! After all that time! My mind was unscrambling and proper pictures were forming. It was like some TV repair man of the mind had come round, taken my back off, and had a proper poke around with my dusty insides. Everything was suddenly clearer and the pictures were back in colour. All the interference was gone.

  But there we were with those blood beast things. We were helpless in the face of their strength and overwhelming numbers. They strapped us to stakes with leather thongs and danced around us, doing all this chanting. And spitting. The boys were looking alarmed, as if this was absolutely the finish, and there was no way out of it. They don’t really have the experience with adventures that I’ve got of course. But I was pretty doolally by then, concentrating on my swirling thoughts.

  And then the bird men attacked. Just in the nick of time, I suppose, so from one point of view we should have been very grateful. The first we knew of it was the note of terrible alarm in the chanting of the blood beasts. Then the swishing sound of razor-like claws cutting through leathery hide and bat wings. An awful fight was breaking out in that clearing, as the bird men swept in.

  Robert and Gila looked pretty shocked. The blood beasts moaned with fright and dismay. Robbed of their sacrificial victims at the very last moment!

  With the bird men – what beaks! What golden eyes! – here came the lizardkind. Storming into the jungle glade and cracking whips all over the shop. The blood beasts were battered and cowed. They whimpered and shrieked at the onslaught. They were led away and their wings were tied so that none could escape.

  We were untethered and gibbered at by our new captors. They stared at Gila and jeered at him. He looked terrified, poor lamb. He was back in their clutches now.

  And so the lizard men brought us down into the valley. They brought us through their city. And finally, to the palace of Her! Your palace, Effie!

  Of course, by then I could remember almost every detail of my first visit. The rudimentary buildings and the dusty roads were the same. The snarling faces of the guards were terribly familiar.

  I remembered being dragged before you, Effie, all of a hundred years ago. Being told that you were going to drain me of all my blood. My soulless blood would cure you of what you now realised was the curse of Alucard.

  You know me, I’d do anything to help. Especially for a friend. But what you were asking back then. It was too much. If I drained every drop of blood . . . I’d be dead, wouldn’t I? Even I couldn’t withstand that. Did you know in your heart of hearts what you were asking for? Queen Effie could demand anything, of course. She was Her who must be worshipped. Her who must be obeyed.

  But I was here again, wasn’t I? I was here again, in another form.

  I was led into the vast black edifice of your castle. It was lit inside by weird glowing torches, their flames a lurid purple. The boys with me were quiet and awed. Gila had never actually seen inside the palace before. He was far too lowly a citizen of Qab. So was Marjorie Staynes, as it turned out. No one had ever heard of her. And yet she had puffed herself up, hadn’t she? As such an authority on the place. Such an integral part. But she was nothing. Just a woman in thrall to the mysterious land. A woman driven crazy by a dream of a different kind of world.

  And then, at last . . . we were brought before you, Effie. Here you were. Looking rather marvellous, of course. Looking more magnificent in your midnight robes and your glowing flesh than I had ever seen you before. But at what cost, eh, lovey?

  The lizard men fell to their knees. Supplication. Cries for mercy. They knew you could lash out and have them punished and killed for the least little thing.

  As we stood there before you – oh, Queen Effryggia – I was aware of that pit of green fire and the cage suspended above it. I was aware of the figures held captive within. I couldn’t make out their features, but I could see that they were human. And they were vaguely familiar.

  Robert spoke up first. ‘Effie! What are you playing at? Look at all the bloody fuss you’ve caused!’

  He was clubbed to the ground by a lizard man for his lack of respect. Gila helped him to his feet, ‘You’ve got to talk to her properly. Don’t look directly at her.
Address her in tones of respect. Otherwise the lizardkind will kill you, Robert. They will not allow Her to be insulted.’

  Robert swore and rubbed his aching limbs. I could see the poor lad was at the end of his tether.

  I stepped forward. I straightened up my wig, shrugged my cardigan straight and looked you dead in the eye. Queen or no queen. You were still my best friend. We were equals and I wasn’t about to be cowed by a load of reptiles.

  ‘Queen Effryggia,’ I said. ‘We’ve come all this way to see you.’

  ‘So I see. Welcome back, Brenda. Welcome back to my world of Qab.’

  ‘I came here before, a hundred years ago, in my lifetime.’

  ‘That’s right.’ You nodded, and you did, I must admit, look quite regal. You’d got all of that down pat, during the time you’d spent in this place. ‘A hundred years ago in your years, but a matter of hours and days in mine.’

  ‘What?’ I gasped. ‘Only hours and days? Then . . . ?’

  ‘You and your companions from a hundred years ago are still here,’ you said, raising your voice oh-so-grandly. And then you said, ‘Behold!’ in this very impressive way, holding out your sceptre thing and pointing it at the cage suspended above the pit of flames.

  Oh my goodness. There we all were. In the cage. From back then. It was like This is Your Life but with time travel involved and human sacrifice thrown in.

  ‘B-Brenda?’ called Mrs Mapp’s quavering voice. Oh, I remembered it so well.

  ‘Can it really be her?’ came Mr Rupert’s manly tones. ‘Can she really be here in two aspects?’

  I gave them a helpless sort of wave. What could I say?

  I couldn’t very well start shouting accusations at Mr Rupert, could I? About using me. Giving me up as a sacrifice to you. It hardly seemed the time to go accusing, what with them being so helpless above that pit of fire.

  Robert and Gila were staring in shock at the cage’s occupants. I couldn’t quite make out me, though I knew I must have been up there with them. Ditto Professor Quandary. Was that him sitting on the cage floor, looking disconsolate, with his head in his hands?

  ‘Please,’ I turned to you, ‘let them down from there. It doesn’t look all that comfortable. It’s got to be a bit hot for them.’ I beseeched you. I held out my hands. I was hoping to play upon your sympathies and penetrate the layers of oddness and queenliness you had acquired for yourself here in the future . . .

  The future!

  Of course!

  I wondered if you even knew. Perhaps you, like all the others, were quite unaware of the secret of Qab.

  I would break it to you very gently.

  I jumped up on to the raised dais where you were sitting, impressively, on your throne of polished jet.

  ‘Effie! You’ll never guess. You’ll be so shocked when I tell you. Me and those boys over there. We’ve unearthed the most tremendous secret . . .’

  That caught your attention. You looked a bit surprised – and then miffed – that someone was up on your raised dais with you. But you were listening, weren’t you? I saw a flash of the old Effie in those green eyes of yours.

  Then your voice came out sounding more like your own everyday voice. ‘Oh, Brenda. I’m so sorry about all of this. You were quite right. About Alucard, and everything. I’ve been a foolish old woman, thinking his kiss was a blessing—’

  ‘Never mind that now,’ I told you. ‘We’ve come all this way to sort things out and rescue you.’

  ‘I thought I could brave it all out. I thought I could make a good stab at being queen here. But it’s an awful place, Brenda. I just want to go home.’

  ‘Well I can see why,’ I said. ‘I’ve trekked through that jungle twice now and it’s not got much to recommend it. But listen! I have to tell you! I must tell you what me and the boys found there in the jungle wastes . . .’

  I was aware of everyone else in that throne room craning their necks to overhear our conference on that raised dais. But we had our heads bent together, sharing confidences. The others would just have to wait.

  ‘Honestly, Brenda. If I could turn back time, I’d never let Alucard have his way with me. I could have averted all of this, I know—’

  ‘It’s even worse than you think it is!’ I interrupted you, realising that I was talking with a certain ghoulish satisfaction. ‘We found some rubble, some ancient abandoned ruins in the depths of the jungle. And we found a sign that read . . . “Cod Almighty”.’

  Effie, you looked thunderstruck. Was it my imagination, or had you started to age? Were you looking a bit more like your everyday hag-like self? Were you re-acquiring all those wrinkles and dewlaps of the Effie of old? I know that shock can do terrible things like that.

  I elucidated further. ‘Cod Almighty, Effie. The name of our favourite fish restaurant in Whitby. Remember? I always have whitebait. We both like the crème de menthe knickerbocker glories. It’s one of the places we go to as a treat, and to talk over the finer points of our latest cases. And it’s here. All decayed and tumbled down. Centuries have passed, but it’s here. We are in the future, Effie. We are here in some ghastly future Whitby.’

  Your claw-like hands scrabbled for the armrests of your jet throne. Claw-like hands! Couldn’t you see? Couldn’t you tell that you were reverting?

  But your mind was still on the shock of my revelation about the fish and chip shop. I could tell that my news had knocked you sick. Evidently you had no idea of the true nature of Qab. ‘But how? How could the sea have boiled away? How could the sky be purple and the land covered in jungle? How could there be lizards and vampire bats everywhere?’

  ‘I don’t know exactly. I think we’re talking thousands of years after our own time. But those blood beasts that captured us . . . I think they are the vamps you created, Effie. You and Alucard. They are the evolved remains of those vampire boys.’

  ‘No!’ You looked scandalised.

  ‘This is the world you created, Effie,’ I told you, being rather harsh, I know. But I had to make you see sense, you old bag. ‘You and Alucard together did this to our world and now you’re queen of the whole horrible place. Well done!’

  You gasped at me. Your mouth opened and closed like you didn’t know what to say. ‘What shall we do?’ You reached out to grab hold of one of my hands. ‘Brenda, you have to help me. You’ll know what to do. How do I stop this? Turn things back? How do I make amends?’

  I patted your hands reassuringly. ‘I’m glad you asked me that. It’s what I’ve been brought here to do. I was sent for. From the past.’

  I wasn’t looking forward to this at all, though. I was going to have to go through something hideous in order to help you, Effie. I just hope you appreciate it all in the end.

  My hand was still bleeding where I had cut it on my busted umbrella. You winced and at first I thought I was gripping you too hard. But it was my blood. My blood from that small cut was stinging you. Burning you. Just like it had the blood beasts. My blood was inimical to your vampire nature.

  ‘Just like Aunt Maud said! When her ghost came here . . . to tell me . . .’

  ‘I think my blood will kill you or cure you,’ I told you. ‘But you can’t have it all. You can’t take every drop and wring me dry.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have done that. You know I never would . . .’

  ‘That’s why I’m here now. It’s why I have come here twice, Effie. You can take half the blood you need from me, and half. . . from her.’

  We both turned to look back at the cage suspended above the weird green and purple flames. And I saw my own face staring back at me from between the bars. Full of trust and puzzlement. My heart went out to my own self then.

  Robert and Gila tried to talk me out of it.

  ‘Half your blood? That’ll kill you!’ Gila gasped.

  ‘No it won’t. It’ll just make me weak and a bit helpless for a while. Same with the other Brenda. We’ll both have to depend on our friends to get us back to our respective homes safely.’

&nbs
p; Robert said, ‘But this place is hardly sanitary. You can’t go doing blood transfusions in a place like this.’

  ‘We have to,’ I said. ‘It’s the only way to help Effie. To drain her of all her vampish, infected blood and replace it with a cocktail obtained from both me and my younger self.’

  Robert’s eyes widened. ‘This is hellish! I know these affairs are always a bit dangerous, but this is horrible, Brenda.’

  ‘Effie’s Aunt Maud is going to manifest herself as a ghost. She’s going to help out with the medical stuff. She was a proper healer, you know. She’ll know what to do.’

  ‘She was a witch!’ Robert burst out.

  I shrugged helplessly. ‘What else can we do? We have to save Effie, don’t we?’

  ‘Do we?’ he hissed. ‘She’s made her prehistoric bed, she can lie in it. I think we should just use those magic pinking shears of yours and take ourselves home, right now.’

  But I wouldn’t hear of it. Robert had just got himself wound up. He would do anything for you really, you know, Effie.

  And then, just as we were hissing at each other in this fashion, I was aware of another figure shuffling towards us. We were tucked away in a corner of Queen Effie’s throne room, having our little conference. Then there was this lumbering, hesitant woman breaking in on us. I turned and looked at her. Her hangdog expression and her dowdy frock. Suddenly I remembered, most powerfully, being that poor woman.

  ‘Erm, hello?’ she said.

  I smiled at her to put her at ease. ‘Brenda,’ I said warmly. ‘Now listen, I know this must be very confusing for you . . .’ I was patronising my own self! My memory wasn’t so good that I could remember my own reaction to meeting myself, but her face squinched up with irritation then.

  ‘I’m not daft,’ she told us. ‘I know this is obviously some timetravel kind of thing. Professor Quandary said it was the best solution, and the best way of saving my life and of curing Queen Effryggia over there. By bringing you from the future. Laying plans and clues and bringing you here. I am amazed it’s worked. And I’m amazed to see you here. From . . . when? A hundred years in my future?’ The younger Brenda shook her head and whistled. I was still marvelling at how clipped I sounded. I spoke quite differently then, I realised.