To the Paris of our dreams

by Tomas Goncalves

  Then, they saw some young kids going in their direction, and Eric immediately noticed they were drug dealers that Samuel knew. They were all black kids and that made Samuel and Lucas angry. They were extremely racists.

  Eric would never remember what they talked about those few minutes, but it was about drugs. Someone, somewhere, was really really mad at Samuel. And Samuel and Lucas were getting extremely mad of having to get a lecture from those black guys. Eric was trying to understand what was happening (because he was not very awake and lucid anymore, and he was cold) when he looked around, Isabella and Gabriela were gone. Out of nowhere Samuel and Lucas started to fight against those guys (Who had tried to punch them first) and both Samuel and Lucas had brass knuckles on both of their hands. It was three (Samuel, Lucas and Victor) against seven, because Eric was just too drunk to do anything. He stayed away for the first minute trying to understand what was happening. None of the black kids even bothered looking at Eric.

  Samuel and Lucas were actually beating those guys up (They were both extremely strong), and Victor … was doing a decent job too. But sure enough, Eric saw one of the guys pulling a gun out: He saw it, and he saw the guy going on Samuel direction.

  Because of that moment, Eric tormented himself for years. He wasn't able to say anything. He was going on Samuel's direction with a gun. Eric always questioned himself if he had gotten happy with that thought. In his memories, was he smiling? Was he excited? Was he somewhat happy that someone was getting rid of Samuel and all that hell they had put him into? He couldn't answer. Maybe he was just too drunk. Maybe he froze. Maybe it took forever for him to realize what was happening and be able to scream to warn them.

  The fact is that he screamed to Samuel the same time Samuel got shot in the leg. It was too late. Lucas got in shock but quickly got out of it and jumped on the guy that had just shot his brother, but he never got even near him: He got shot twice (one right on his spine, as they would later learn). That was when Eric jumped on the fight. Samuel was able to stand and get the guy that had shot him (basically a kid) and started to beat him up, out of control. Eric and Victor were fighting with the few ones that were still there. Some of them had already ran away.

  Eric felt pleasure on seeing that kid getting beat up, while Victor was calling for an ambulance for Lucas, who was laying down on the floor, bleeding. They were all crazy mad.

  … But Samuel didn't stop hitting the guy, he just kept going. Eric just woke up and realized the kid would die if he kept getting beaten up like that...He screamed to Samuel to stop. And again. And again.

  He had to pull Samuel with all the strength he had. They started to argue about the kid, and Samuel was barely able to talk. He was too messed up because of the drugs, to the point that he was screaming and started to punch Eric.

  Then it happened. The kid shot Samuel again. And again. And again. Both in the middle of his chest. Eric stood still, completely frozen, while he saw his friend fell, and the kid tell them something, which he would never remember what it was. He took his friend on his arms, and Samuel's blood got all over his clothes, his arms, his hands. He looked at the guy, who had the gun pointing at him, and they just kept looking at each other, Eric in complete shock: He was sure he already was dead.

  For some reason, the kid never shot him. He left. He left Eric there, with Lucas and Samuel, while Victor had run away because the cops were arriving.

  Eric and that kid were probably the same age.

  Thing about that situation is that people never tell you how bad it is to have someone dying in your arms. How warm blood is. How Eric could feel the paddle getting bigger and bigger, on him, and around them. His friend, slowly dying, slowly getting...empty. His heart, beating like crazy. His brain... realizing its dying. Nobody is prepared for that. Eric could see how Samuel got confused, angry, and afraid. How he failed to speak. Holding on to him, trying to understand how his life was ending like that, in the dirt, killed by a black kid he hated in the middle of nowhere.

  Then he was gone.

  It took forever for the ambulance to arrive. Eric felt like he was the only person in the world, crying, in panic, almost screaming. No one was there. Samuel died in his arms. Lucas would get stuck on a wheelchair forever. Victor had just left.

  Life wouldn't be the same again. Eric couldn't get over the image of blood, his blood, the other guy's blood, Samuel and Lucas's blood. He started to have insomnia. With everything that happened, it got worse to know that the kid who killed Samuel, and that had spared him, had been found dead in the woods four days later. A shot in the head. A bit after, Eric started to get threatened: Suspicious behavior from people and cars around him – They decided to put him under the protection of the department of police for a while - But as it got unbearable, his parents decided to send him to live with his uncle in the United States, “for a while”. His father ended up losing his job: People that mattered got to know about the whole situation, and they wouldn't accept the scandal. For six more months they stayed in Florianopolis. They sold their apartment and moved to the beach house, his dad tried to find another job... but it was useless. A month later it had passed one year from the incident (as his dad would refer to) they had to move quickly to France, where Eric's father still had some contacts and some people willing to help them, and Eric decided to finish his high school in San Francisco. Soon after, he was already touring with his band.

  Eric's parents never really asked him what happened that night. They got him the best lawyer to get Eric clean and in the seven years to come, they probably saw each other five times. Eric now had insomnia, then later developed anxiety and panic attacks. He would never be able to sleep alone in a bed again for a whole night (Even though it had exceptions, or he would pass out in a couch or something like that)

  The police tried to make everything that was possible to squeeze some information from Eric, to see if he knew anything about the drugs situation. Eric never said a word, for the simple fact that he didn't know anything. For Lucas, it was even worse: stuck in a hospital, alone, paralyzed, protected by police because they were afraid someone would try to kill him because of what he supposedly knew. He also never opened his mouth, for Eric's surprise, but the police just knew he had information based on evidences they found on Samuel's place. All that Eric knew is that, for the amount of effort the police put into it, it was a big thing. Apparently there was some big players in that scheme, which was not a big surprise if you know that island in south Brazil.

  Nobody ever got arrested though.

  He knew that there were some powerful people his father knew in the middle of that because Samuel, more than once let it slipped, “All man, you should stay away from that crowd” “ Yeah, sure, because your father`s friends are saint” “They are the worse of us all, man” . And still they had the balls to basically kick Eric's father out of the city. The same people who in the newspapers are always complaining about corruption.

  Eric knew he had heard the name of a guy that night who – guess what – he came to notice was inside the police force that was investigating those crimes. Not that he needed more reasons to keep his mouth shut, right? He never knew what exactly in that situation spared his life. Maybe a miracle. Maybe just the fact that it got pretty clear he didn't know a thing.

  He also never put his feet again on that city.

  Now you know.

 

 

  - So yeah... - Lucas

  Isabella had tears in her eyes. Eric started speaking.

  -... I still dream about it. The tree. How I could've just gone home, you know. But then I guess I wouldn't have been there for him.... Jesus, it was so fucking violent and
useless.... All that blood... - He looked to his own hands. He wished he could have said something about the visions he occasionally had about his hands, but he didn't – And then things just got ugly with my parents. We never actually talked about it, but they practically kicked me out from home after that.

  - It was fucked up, that's for sure. But he wouldn't want us to keep stuck on the past like that.

  - He's dead. We'll never know what the dead want. His whole concept is over.

  - … I just really don't understand how that happened, you know – Isabella finally said – I mean, there was nothing different going on. It was not the first time we went there for him to pick up things with that guy, or with any of the other ones. It wasn't even the first time they would get into an argument. I ran away when the fight started, and me and Ana got woken up the next morning completely hangover by the police. It just never made sense to me. It never did.

  - There were too many black people that day. A couple of them who Samuel really didn't like to deal with. He got completely mad, and I backed him up on that. But I don't know why exactly they trapped him like that, he never told me exactly what was going on. I know he was in trouble, he was owing a lot of money to people, he did some shit against the guys in Floripa, I guess he may knew too much, and I think he was selling way more than what he should have, in places he was not supposed to... I don't know... - Lucas stopped

  - But why? He was not stupid... Did he think he could just get away with it?

  - I guess he thought so... After I finally had the chance to go home, I ended up finding a shit ton of money hidden. My guess is that he was thinking about just leaving town for good.

  - Fuck... How much money?

  - About a hundred thousand... dollars. I have no idea how he got that kind of money.

  - Shit... What did you do with it?

  Lucas shrugged his shoulders

  - I used most of it to come here, and study. But my parents helped me a bit too. Today I would've never taken that money, but those where different times. I was alone, stuck in a wheelchair, with people trying to kill me in Floripa. I just came here. It was a mess not to call any attention with the money, but oh well... It's not like I was going to step again in that city anyways...

  Silence.

  - And?

  - Well, I eventually got in touch with the Federal Police. I told them what happened, just about the money... So we kind of cut a deal and now I'm paying the part of the money I used, and I helped them on getting a couple of small dealers and skinheads I've met back there, but no one from Samuel's part. I'm finish paying them in a couple of years, it's not a big deal. I just felt like I had to... And I actually think it made me good. Samuel left me a good amount of money anyways. I mean, Legal money.

  - ...Wow...

  - Yeah...

  - And what about them? Why they never went after you?

  - … They did.

  - And?

  - And I had to say the same lie a hundred times until they believed it. We didn't know anything, we were just walking around with him after a party. Nobody had ever saw our faces before in any other situation, besides the kid there who got killed. It's ironic, they killed the guy that could've explained them the whole situation. Stupid... Anyways, Samuel was the only one. So yeah, they needed to know if we knew anything. We didn't... They went after me in the hospital. They sent cops to talk to me, can you believe that? …. Anyways... So yeah, after repeating that that many times, and even after getting threaten, they finally believed me... And.... Yeah.... Not like I could do anything even if I wanted to...I guess with you it was the same?

  - Yeah, the only difference is that I was interrogated in the police station. I recognized a name, I knew he knew Samuel, and that was all. I could never prove anything, anyways... I'm just really frustrated because I knew most of the cops were trying to do their job and going after those pricks, I just wasn't able to help them at all...

  Pause.

  - And the black kid that got killed?

  - What about it? … They just got rid of him. He made a fucking mess, and people in that city hate to have to clean up a mess. He wasn't supposed to kill Samuel I guess... Who knows, he irritated some white people with a lot of money, do you really need another reason for a kid like him to be executed? His life never mattered. We are lucky to have been left alive, that's all.

  Pause.

  - I really miss him sometimes – Isabella

  - Yeah, I know

  - Me too, I loved that bastard... - Eric paused for a while – And I loved you, Bella. You know that... And you guys had just gotten back together, for god's sake, you had so much ahead of you... And I just wished you were there in that moment, with him. With me... We were just kids... But he knew who we were, didn't he?

  - Yeah... - She had teary eyes again

  - I just didn't care about pride at that moment. I just wanted to deserve your friendship, because you guys were there for me. And I failed you. I fucking failed him...

  - ...No, you didn't Eric. Samuel loved you, and he would've wished you to forget that. It was not your fault... and I'm so sorry I wasn't there. For him, but also for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that on your own...

  Compassion wasn't something that you would see in her eyes very frequently.

  At this moment, Lucas put on a mask of nostalgia and started to talk about his brother. They had so many stories that they had forgotten or that they didn't even know about him. And they all laughed about it really hard. Samuel was, without a doubt, a unique person, and to laugh about him made him seem more human, seem closer to them.

  But then they ran out of stories and their initial happiness went back to sadness. Eric got an infinite and poisonous sadness hurting his leaver. He felt like it was irradiating through his body. Somewhat, it got unbearable for him.

  He had to run to the bathroom because his life, his poison started to get out of him through his mouth. When he was finally finished, he was so tired and sad, that he stayed in the ground, crying, in despair, at the bottom of the world. No hopes, no plans, no pride, no respect, no security. Completely naked, on that floor. His throat was hurting, his whole body was feeling the pain of having to deal with that strength so suddenly. His eyes started to hurt. His soul was getting small and he was possessed by memories.

  Isabella entered the bathroom. She sat beside him, held him and then they stayed like that, until all the suffering in the world had been expelled through their eyes.

  The past finally had gotten unbearable. Even for them, sons of the lost generation. They were weak, they were dizzy, and they were tired.

 

 

  Surprisingly, two days after that, the past would again have to be dealt with. It knocked at their door, waking all of them up. And how surprised they were to see that it was going by the name of Meirelles, Mike, Montini, Jack and Liam.

  That's right. They had found them.

  - Oi...Hi...I'm Eric's mom. - Then she saw Eric on the back, looking at them from the other end of living room. - Hi son!

  Eric stayed in silence. Richard had told them. Tom had probably helped them to find him. Or Marie. Maybe his credit card? They were all there anyways. Standing in front of his door. His family, his band, Marie. Even Jan was there.

  - Do you mind if we come inside? - She asked Lucas

  - Ahn... Not at all... Sorry – He tried to get out of the way so they could ent
er the house.

  - No problem. I'm sorry for waking you guys up

  - It's ok...

  Isabella got really surprised with the sudden invasion. They were both pretty pale, not presentable at all. She stayed on her mattress.

  - So...

  - Hey Eric. We got worried, and we are here now. How are things going? - Isadora, smiling.

  - We... Everything's ok.

  - Hmm... Ok. Do you need anything?

  - No... We’re good...

  - Don't you need to see a doctor or anything?

  - No, thanks, Isa...

  Silence. His mother was analyzing the house and its inhabitants. Eric knew his mom remembered Isabella and that she probably wouldn't like to see her there. But she seemed to not mind her at all.

  - So Richard told me you were injecting yourself something?

  - Yeah, some stuff, sometimes... It would help me to sleep.

  - Hmm...

  His dad hadn't said a word yet. His mother was looking at them all.

  - So what do you want me to tell you? - Eric was looking at his mother.

  - Nothing... Do you have something you wanna say to me? Or maybe do you want me to tell you something?

  - ...That I'm on fucking rock bottom?

  - Ah please... - She sounded really British – You're alive, and getting better. It's something.

  - We missed you Eric. We were all worried to death about you. - Isadora

  - Hmm, that’s why you guys decided to organize a fucking school trip to come and see me? The part of trying to be alone didn't reach y'all? Feel better now? - Not even Eric understand why he was sounding so angry.

  - Hmm... Yeah, pretty much. I know how it looks, Eric. But we are not going to apologize for caring about you. We didn't have a piece of information for almost a month, we got worried, we are here to help, but don't worry, we are not going to sleep here with you.