He tossed it in a heap on the floor and stood hovering over me. The warmth of his body radiated outward and I all but lapped it up. He bent down and his ringed fingers gently pulled and peeled my soggy boots from my bare feet. Then he stood and looked me in the face. His brown messy hair falling around his cheeks like a curtain.
A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “This feels oddly familiar. Do you remember?”
I nodded. “Aboard The Black Soul.”
His eyes trailed to the curve of my neck and shoulder where my sister had hacked a sword into my flesh. An icy chill scraped my spine at the memory. Benjamin’s finger tugged at the collar of my shirt and pulled it down enough to see the bumpy scar that would forever be there. He groaned at the sight of it.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“Just making sure it’s still you,” he admitted, but finished it with a low chuckle.
The fire crackled and filled the room with a lovely warmth. Or was it the nearness of Benjamin that I felt? Regardless, my heart sped up, and I slowly leaned toward him.
A breath away, he whispered, “You should probably get out of those wet clothes.”
I cupped my hand over his where it still lingered on my shoulder and stared up into his eyes. Yearning, desire, and a flicker of pain met my gaze, and I wanted nothing more than to take it all away. To give him what he so desperately wanted because…I wanted it, too. I wanted to give in to the attraction we felt for one another, cast aside the world, and forget everything else. Somewhere in the back of my rational mind, or what remained of it, a thought bounced around. I didn’t love Benjamin. Not like that. Not like…Henry.
My chest tightened and a familiar voice echoed in my ear. Do it, give in to temptation…
His hand caressed the skin of my neck, arousing goosebumps over every inch of me until his palm cupped my face and I leaned into it. Soaking up as much of his touch as I could. My fingers, suddenly steady and able, touched his chest and I felt his heartbeat raging beneath the surface. I tipped my head upward, our eyes locking with a fiery intensity, and parted my lips. Waiting. Wanting. Inviting him to take the one thing he wanted.
His face came closer, leaning in and inching his lips dangerously near. But, when Benjamin’s mouth was a hair from mine, he tipped his chin down and touched his forehead to mine as he released a long sigh.
“I should probably go,” he struggled to say.
I balled the loose fabric of his shirt in my hands. “No, please,” I said, the words a gentle sound that fell to his chest. “I don’t want to be alone.”
He waited a beat before stepping back, torture smeared across his pained expression. “I think…for both our sakes, being alone is the best thing for you right now. When you’re–”
“When I’m what?” I bit. Anger suddenly seethed in my veins. But it wasn’t mine. The darkness that now lived in me raged for what it wanted.
“Vulnerable,” he replied and scooped his jacket from the chair.
He swung the door open and gave me one last look, as if second-guessing himself, and shook his head before closing the door behind him. I stood in the middle of the room; my damp clothes clinging to my skin that now raced with an itch I couldn’t scratch.
What was I doing?
I heaved for breath and doubled over as I braced myself with the foot of the bed. Each breath cleared away the clutter from my mind. Did having no soul also mean I was a murderer and a whore? How could I live with myself if Benjamin wasn’t as strong as he was and had given in to me? To betray Henry that way. The love we shared, the life we’d built. Whether I ever found my way back to him or not, I still belonged to him. After all he and I had been through, to be with another man–Benjamin of all people–would be the ultimate betrayal.
The weight of my actions, not just with Benjamin…but with the siren, too, came crashing down on me and I slunk to the floor in a heap of fear. I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel everything my rational mind knew I should feel. But I was empty. An echo of who I used to be. And I wasn’t sure I could ever go back to that version of myself. But, as the heat of desire still crawled over my skin…
…I wasn’t sure I even wanted to.
Chapter Nine
It was unnerving how small a ship could feel when you confined yourself to just two areas. A few weeks had gone by since we left Portugal and my days on the sea were made of nightmares, the four walls of my bunk, and the relief the kitchen offered my idle hands. It all blended together with the fog of sleep deprivation as I forced myself awake for days on end before crashing. But I had to avoid the crew at all costs. I wasn’t sure what was happening inside of me, wasn’t certain what I’d done to myself under that tree back in Scotland. But I was seeing the proof of what this new me was capable of, and I couldn’t risk being around anyone.
It didn’t keep them away, though.
I was elbows deep in dishwater when Finn walked into the kitchen and pulled up a stool to the large table I used as a prep surface. He sat in silence, which was always strange for him. Clearly, he wanted me to speak first.
I bent down to fetch a tray of buns from the oven, purposely not looking at him. “If you’re here for the buns, they’re too hot to eat.”
“I’m nae here fer the buns, lassie,” he mumbled. I looked at him then. His green eyes sparkled with worry.
I kept a straight face. “Then what are you here for?”
He tipped his head to the side and studied me. “Dianna. Ye cannae ignore yer feelings over the loss of yer family. It’s nae healthy.”
“I’m not ignoring my feelings,” I said through gritted teeth. I hardly had any to ignore. “I’m just…I have to keep my hands and mind busy.” It wasn’t an outright lie, I truly enjoyed the blissful, mindless work of being in the kitchen. It helped me forget about my situation, even for a moment.
Finn nodded. “Aye, I understand. ‘Tis easier to put it from yer mind.” I just kept working and moving things around on the counter. “But ye cannae forget those who are here.” Our eyes met. “Those of us who chose t’help ye. Dinnae shut us out.”
I set a large copper pot down with a bit more force than needed, and he leaned back on the stool. “Did Benjamin send you to talk to me?”
The skin between his bushy red brows pinched. “Ben? Nae, the lad’s been just as quiet and distant as ye. I’m here because I love ye, Dianna. I care fer yer well bein’ and I ken how hard this must be fer ye, being away from Henry and the wee ones.”
My dry eyes stung with what should have been tears. Instead, they strained behind the void of emotion. The parched prickle an uncomfortable reminder of what I’d done to myself.
“If there were a way I could go home this very second, I would take it,” I told him. “But it’s going to be a long time before I even see the possibility of that chance. So, this is how I cope. This is how I choose to handle my pain.”
Finn rubbed a hand over his beard and eyed the tray of buns cooling off to the side. I rolled my eyes and handed him one, the steam almost scorching the skin of my fingers. He tore it open and let it cool in his hands.
“But there is a way,” he said cautiously. “T’go home sooner. Today, even. If ye wanted.”
“How–” I narrowed my eyes as the realization struck me. “No. Absolutely not.”
He stood from his stool and circled the table to stand near me. “But if they can help–”
“No.” I glared up at him. “I will not ask the sirens for help. They don’t freely give it, not without cost. And I won’t put my children in danger ever again. I will find my way home myself, or I won’t go home at all.”
He seemed taken aback. “But the wee ones…”
“Are perfectly safe at home with their father and grandmother,” I said with finality. But he looked pained, saddened at my curt choice of words. I let a slow sigh loosen from my chest. “I appreciate your worry for me, Finn. I really do. But you have to see why I can’t crawl back to them. I can’t make another deal with the sea Fae. Look at all i
t’s done. Look how it’s affected my family. How it nearly took the life of my children.” I patted his arm. “I understand that it’s the easy way out. I sure I could call them right now and make a deal and be home in time for supper. But I can’t do that. I have to break the cycle that my mother started so many years ago.”
“Aye,” he whispered with a nod. “I ken what ye sayin’. I just hate seein’ ye like this.”
I managed a smile. “I’m fine. I promise.” I handed him another bun and his face lit up with glee. “Even better once we’ve had a good meal.”
He took the baked good and shoved the entire thing in his mouth before stuffing it to the side. “Can I help?”
“If you want...” I pointed at the big pot of soup I’d been brewing all morning. “You can take that out. I’ll bring the bowls.”
“Are ye goin’ t’eat with us today?” he asked as he picked up the steaming pot with ease. It looked a normal size in his beastly arms.
I nodded and began stacking a set of bowls and spoons in my hands. “Sure, why not?”
I guess they had noted my absence. It had just been easier to eat in the kitchen by myself and avoid everyone. Or not eat at all. Hunger still hadn’t returned since we left Scotland, and I was relying on my rational mind to tell me when I should eat.
But really…I’d been avoiding Benjamin. If I could feel embarrassment at all, I’d surely be permanently smeared with a flush of red in my cheeks over what had unfolded in my room that night. I thought about it every minute since it happened. The way my body felt, the way it screamed for his touch, his warmth. Shame pounded around in my mind, but my chest echoed like a hollow chamber. And for that, I was grateful.
I felt the crew’s eyes on me as I entered the mess hall and set down the dishware. I said nothing, as did they, while I ladled soup into the bowls and handed them out. Ben was last. He sat at the far end of the long rectangular table, and I dared let my eyes flicker to his as my leg faintly brushed his. A rush of heat flared up through my body from the site of contact, and my breath hitched in my chest. We exchanged no words, and no one seemed to notice the split-second touch. No one except for Freya, who eyed me curiously as I stalked over to my own seat at the farthest end of the table.
A murmur of chit-chat sparked up among the crew as they ate, and the room warmed with the afternoon sun that poured in through the porthole windows.
I plunked down on the bench seat and set my attention on my bowl of soup. The steam that wafted up to my face, the glorious scent of stewed meat and hearty root veggies. I struggled to maintain my focus because, through the layers of conversation over the table, I could feel Ben’s eyes staring at me. I moved my soup around in the bowl with a spoon and chewed at the inside of my mouth, straining not to look. Willing myself not to raise my eyes and confirm what I felt.
But I was weak.
I lifted my head and let my eyes slowly trail across the length of the table until I got to the end and crawled my gaze upward to meet his. Two warm brown eyes screamed at me, filled with questions and yearning. We hadn’t spoken since that night in my room at the tavern, and I could see now how it tormented him. His bowl sat untouched, just like mine, his spoon not even in his hand.
I watched his mouth move, not with words but with a slow pursing, and then his tongue swiped across his bottom lip. My heart sputtered anxiously, and I gripped the metal spoon until it began to bend in my fingers. The dormant darkness that lurked in my chest sprang to life and clawed at my insides, wanting him. Urging me forward and burying my will.
My lips parted and a fiery breath of air seeped out as a tickle scoured up my spine, and I struggled to remain still in my seat. Across the table, Benjamin lowered his chin and stared at me from beneath a furrowed brow. Want and warning conflicted over his expression.
In one swift movement, he shoved off his chair and bolted to his feet, eliciting a stark yelp from me. The casual conversations that had been exchanging over the table came to a stop and everyone looked toward Benjamin.
“Excuse me,” he said gruffly and stalked off toward the exit.
Freya darted off behind him and I remained in my seat. Everyone else glanced around with puzzled faces, unaware of the silent exchange that had taken place between Ben and me. I kept a straight face, attempted to appear just as bewildered as them. But, in my lap beneath the table, the spoon broke in half.
Chapter Ten
When I finally heard the roar of Finn’s deep voice ringing out across the ship, alerting the crew that we were making landfall, I let out a breath that had holed up in my chest for weeks. I made it. The Caribbean. I managed to sail across the Atlantic once again, unscathed–for the most part–and would soon be on my way to getting my soul back. But most importantly, I managed to avoid Benjamin since leaving Portugal. Which, now given the time to dwell on my actions, was probably the best for both of us. I longed to see something else besides the confines of my bunk and the kitchen where I found refuge.
Noise clamoured in my ears as the crew readied the ship, and we all lowered into a rowboat to get ashore. The Lady Brianna was too large to enter the shallows of the port. I secured my heavy satchel around my body and grabbed an oar to help row us all ashore. The deckhands didn’t want to stay behind and wait for Finn this time, so we’d all piled in the small boat and I was thankful Benjamin sat at the furthest end from me.
The darkness that toiled in my chest seemed to have subsided over the weeks that passed, but I recognized a trigger. One of the few things that seemed to rouse it from its unnerving slumber. Benjamin. Or…proximity to him. His touch, his warmth, the sound of his voice. The darkness wanted him and…it toyed with my will.
Rather than enter the bustling port, Benjamin steered us off to the side where we pulled the boat in over a small beach. He tied the rope to a tree and turned to us.
“It’s best we don’t make our arrival known,” he warned.
“Would we nae be welcome?” Finn asked.
Ben threw a glance over his own shoulder toward the port in the short distance, then leaned in and lowered his voice. “This is a hub for pirates from all over the world. They’ll spot our ship in the distance soon enough but, for now, we should keep a low profile. Blend in. You just don’t know the types you’ll run into here.” For the first time in weeks, his eyes met mine. “The civil ways of the world don’t exactly apply to this place. It’s a pirate’s world.”
I tugged at the taut strap of my shoulder bag. “Well, it’s been a while since you were last here. Maybe things have changed.”
He stared at me for a moment, his face unreadable. “Maybe.”
“Well,” Freya spoke up and stuck her arm around Ben’s. “Let’s go find us a place to stay.”
Everyone turned and followed the two of them and I stomped behind in a huff, jealousy suddenly burning in my chest at the sight of her touching Benjamin. By the time we all trudged across the soft warm sand of the beach that stretched the entire length of the pirate hub, I could practically taste the envy on my tongue. It was all I could stand.
The port bustled with people. Pirates and locals and merchants alike. Ships were being unloaded, goods moved about, music played somewhere in the distance. Voices of all volumes rang together and mixed with the heavy scent of various foods cooking in the air. Freya’s loud and purposeful laugh pierced through everything as she continued to walk arm in arm with Benjamin a few feet ahead. I stifled an eye roll and averted my attention to the busy alley of shop fronts and what appeared to be apartments of some kind. The ground beneath us was paved with flat stones that were painted a gorgeous teal. The paint had worn through in some areas of high traffic and gave it a sort of rustic look. A beautiful woman with a white feathered robe leaned against the railing of a tiny balcony and peered down at us with a bewitching look. Her glossy blonde hair draped down across her half-exposed bosom.
We entered the building I assumed was apartments but were clearly lodgings. The interior was dimly lit by the bit of sunligh
t that managed to filter in through closed drapes. Cigar smoke danced in the air as men and women alike sat around in large, comfy chairs. A gorgeous woman on their laps.
I stepped up to Ben’s side and tugged at his sleeve. “This is a brothel.”
He chuckled lightly. “You won’t find a tavern or inn around here, Dianna.” When I looked at his face, his eyes were lingering on my lips but quickly averted when a woman appeared and cleared her throat.
“Welcome,” she said in a velvety voice. She was beautiful under the years of her lifestyle. Her dark hair, touched with grey, was neatly kept in a loose bun. Her dainty hands clasped in front of her under a thin silky blouse. “What can I do for you?”
“We’re hoping you have some rooms available,” Benjamin replied. “We’re stopping over on our way to the mainland.”
Her perfectly penciled eyebrow arched. “Pirates?”
He shook his head. “No, Ma’am. Just…travellers.”
“How many nights?” The woman’s chin tipped upward, her deep blue eyes judging us.
Ben looked at me, but I shrugged. I had no idea how long it would take to locate Davy Jones. He gave his attention back to the woman. “Two nights should suffice.”
Two? That was it? Was he that confident in his plan? The idea that I could be home with Henry and the kids in a matter of days made my head spin. It did nothing for the useless organ in my chest, however. My eyes averted to Freya’s ever-tightening grip around Benjamin’s arm, and I grumbled under my breath.
“I’m going for a walk,” I told them and bolted for the door before anyone could respond.
I strolled through stone-paved streets and admired the beauty of the eclectic designs. One building adorned with gothic carvings and details painted with gold, while the next showed strength, built of wood and stained dark to contrast with the luscious treasures from the sea. Shells and pearls and gems of all sorts. One section of the narrow alley area consisted of fabric canopies propped up with rustic logs. Under them, an array of tables filled with goods I assumed were brought in by the high traffic of pirates.
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