by Emma Louise
Dropping onto my back, I scrub a hand over my face. I’m not sure how to tell her about this shit.
“Lucy and I were friends for a long time.” I don’t look at her. It's easier this way. “We were starting up Flex, and she was around a lot. The more time we spent together, the more I became attracted to her.” Bree stiffens at my honesty, but I pull her tighter to my side. I need to get this shit out so we can move on. I don’t want her to doubt my feelings for her, and she’s obviously worked this Lucy thing into something bigger than it is in her mind. “I thought we could be something. I thought I was ready to settle down.” I stall, looking for the right way to continue.
“But...” She coaxes me to carry on.
“But I freaked out. We slept together, and instead of starting a relationship, I pushed her away. I wasn’t as ready as I thought. I brushed her off and wasn’t all that nice about it.”
Moving closer to my side, Bree rests her chin on top of her hands on my chest.
“What happened after that?”
“She hated me,” I huff out on a laugh. “She did things to get my attention; I did the same to her. Despite that, for a long time, I thought if we could get on the same page, she might be the one. You know, I thought she and Hayden had something going on? I thought she was doing it to get back at me.”
“What changed?”
“She met Scott. I could see from the way that they looked at each other that it was the real deal. Whatever bullshit we had didn’t matter to her anymore.”
“She broke your heart.” It’s a statement. Not a question.
“No,” I answer immediately. “I didn’t realize it at first, but she never really had it to break.” I pull her face closer for a kiss. Now that we’re here in this moment, I decide to tell her the one thing nobody else knows. If we’re going to make this work, I won’t be able to keep it from her forever anyway.
“You remember I told you I was going through some shit the night I met Abel’s mom?” Bree nods, but doesn’t speak. “Back then, I was pissed at Lucy, pissed at the world. Pissed at myself, most of all. I thought I pushed her into the arms of someone else. I was drinking too much, partying every night, fighting more nights than I wasn’t. I was trying to block all the crap out. I was set to self-destruct. Then that night, I sat in a bar and watched a woman walk in who could have been Lucy’s twin sister.”
“Willow,” she whispers, sad eyes trained on me, waiting for me to continue.
“Willow,” I confirm.
“Oh, honey.”
My mind flashes back to that night. To the words that kept me awake for months after.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to love me. I can be her if you need me to be.”
I’d called her by Lucy’s name. I’d said another woman’s name, and instead of pushing me away, she told me it was okay. She was so desperately looking for her own escape, she let me pretend she was someone else. And that was exactly what I did. I used her.
“TJ—” Sympathy lines her face, and I can’t bear to see it. I don’t deserve it. Standing from the bed, I go to my closet and pull down the small box that Willow’s friend Jessie left for Abel. Digging to the bottom, I slide out the picture of Willow. It knocked me on my ass the first time I saw it. In the months after our night together, I wondered if I'd imagined the similarities between her and Lucy. Seeing this picture, I definitely wasn’t wrong.
“That was a wake-up call for me. I was disgusted with myself for months afterward. Then Abel came along, and you know what happened after that,” I say as I sit and hand her the picture.
“Oh wow,” she says as she looks at it. “She was beautiful.” Putting the picture on the bedside table, she moves to straddle my lap. Sliding her hands into my hair, she holds my face in place before she speaks. “You still blame yourself?”
“I’m trying not to, but it’s not that simple, baby.” I want to move on, leave the past where it is, but it’s just not that easy.
“That’s okay. We’ll work on fixing that. Together.”
Together.
Despite the look of trepidation she’s doing her best to mask, I truly believe her when she says it, and I can’t deny how fucking good that sounds.
The sound of little baby giggles fills the air of TJ’s backyard. He’s sitting on a blanket in the grass, and Abel is sitting in front of him, wobbling precariously. He’s growing up so fast, and it feels like he’s learning something new every day. He starts to lean to one side and TJ catches him, causing another wave of giggles to leave his tiny body. They’re too far away for me to hear what it is TJ says to him, but Abel stares at his dad with rapt attention.
No matter what TJ thinks, he’s an amazing father. I could watch these two together forever.
It hits me that I want that. I want to be here. I want to watch Abel grow. I’ve only been in his life for a few months, but it’s impossible not to love him.
My cell phone vibrates on the table next to me. Putting down the book I was pretending to read, I see ‘Asa Calling’ light up my screen.
“Hey, big brother,” I answer.
“So you do remember me?” he says, causing me to roll my eyes.
“Stop being dramatic. That’s Ava’s role in the family.”
“We haven’t seen you in weeks.” He ignores my joke.
“I’m working a lot, Asa.”
“Yeah, and you’ll be gone for who knows how long soon. Your family wants to see you. Make it happen, Breeze. Soon, before Ava sends out a search party for you.” It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him I'm not going. That traveling around Europe doesn’t hold the same appeal that it used to. That my dreams have changed, and now they feature two dark haired guys who fill my days with happiness that I've never had before. The last few months with them have changed my view on a lot of things.
But I don’t say any of that.
“I’ll work something out. Later this week maybe.”
“Bring the boyfriend if you have to,” he says, sounding like it pains him to even make the offer.
“Maybe.”
“I gotta get back to work. Love you, sis,” he says before he hangs up, leaving me with a head full of thoughts I have no idea how to process.
Was it really only a few weeks ago that my mind was filled with thoughts of escaping Savannah? How easy would it be to stay? To continue whatever it is TJ and I are doing. What are we doing? He says we’re building something. Something special. But that’s not a label, and despite saying I don’t need a label, deep down I really do.
Can I really give up a dream I've had for as long as I can remember, for a man? A man I‘ve known for a few months?
My heart says yes. It’s telling me to stay.
My brain says to be rational. He’s never asked me to stay. Not once mentioned anything beyond what we have planned for the following days. Pain hits my chest at the realization that he’s probably only with me because there’s an expiration date on us. He said he wasn’t ready to have a relationship while Abel was so small and needed him so much. He made an exception for me because I'm leaving. A wave of sadness washes over me, causing my stomach to lurch and my breath to catch.
The thought of me not meaning to him what he does to me kills me.
I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him. And as much as I want this, I need to be sure he wants it too.
“You almost ready?” TJ says against the skin of my neck. Rinsing the last of the breakfast dishes, I quickly dry my hands before turning to face him. He doesn’t step back to give me room, so we end up face to face. Sliding my hands up his shoulders, I lean up to press my lips against his. He tightens his grip on me and drags my body tighter against his. It doesn't take long before I feel him harden through his jeans.
“Do we have to go?” he groans against my mouth. “We could just stay here and do more of this.” He presses his hips into me.
“As amazing as that sounds, your family is waiting for us,” I answer. It's Chase’s birthday, and Poppy is thro
wing a party at their house to celebrate.
“Fine,” he sulks, “but we’re not staying long.”
“You get Abel, I'll get the gift bag.” Giving him one last kiss, I push him back a step so I can get everything ready to go.
“Gift bag?” TJ asks.
“Yeah, I picked him up a few things from us.” A look passes over his face that I can’t decipher.
“You got him gifts? From us?” Crap. I went shopping without even thinking it would be an issue. I assumed he’d be okay with it.
“They can be from me if you already got him something.” I don’t finish the words because I'm swept up in a tight embrace.
“Thank you, sweetheart,” he says into my hair. “Means the world.”
Means the world.
The words ricochet through me, leaving a trail of warmth in their wake.
“No problem,” I murmur.
“I already put cash in a card for him, signed it from the both of us. That okay with you?”
“Perfect.”
“Yeah, sweetheart. Perfect,” he whispers against the top of my head.
“Let’s get going. Abel will be ready for his nap soon, and neither of us wants to deal with a cranky baby all afternoon.”
“Breeze, it’s lovely to see you again,” TJ’s mom says as she sits in the chair next to me, kissing me on the cheek.
“You too, Mrs. Harmon. You guys have done an amazing job out here.” The garden has been turned into little kid heaven. There are two teenage girls painting the little ones faces, a clown who’s making balloon animals and swords. There’s also two huge bounce houses set up. One of which currently has Hayden jumping around in it like an idiot. He looks ridiculous. There are groups of people all over the place, while more little kids than I've ever seen run wild all over the place. TJ managed to find us a couple of chairs away from the crowd, and we’ve spent the last hour people watching and relaxing while his mom took Abel to meet some of her friends who are inside the house.
“Thank you, but please call me Diana. Mrs, Harmon makes me feel old,” she laughs. “Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, some more than others.” She rolls her eyes at Hayden who’s now being tackled by a group of kids that are barely taller than his knees.
“Poppy did an amazing job,” she says as she looks around at all of her family and friends with so much pride on her face. She’s got Abel in her arms, but he keeps twisting to try to get to me.
“Seems my grandbaby is quite taken with you.” She smirks as she passes him into my arms.
“He just knows me as the one who feeds him when his daddy is working.” Laughing, I try to brush her off. Abel and I have gotten close. Even if I'm not actually babysitting for him, I'm at the house with him and TJ, more often than not.
“Whatever you say, sweetie,” she laughs as she walks away from us.
“She’s right. He is smitten with you,” TJ says, pulling my chair closer to his a few inches. Once we’re close enough, he does his usual routine of kissing Abel on his head, then kissing me softly on the lips. “I don’t think he’s the only one either.”
“Yeah?” I can’t help the smile that pulls at my cheeks. This is the first time we’ve been around his family all at once like this, and I wasn’t sure how comfortable he’d be with being affectionate in front of them. While he hasn’t exactly mauled me, he has had a hand on me most of the time. It's the little bit of reassurance that I needed after my mini freak out earlier. I know I need to talk things through with TJ, and I plan to do it very soon.
Looking down at the baby, I see he’s rubbing his eye with a tiny fist. He should’ve had a nap by now, but between the excitement of all the kids around him, and being passed around his family, he’s missed it. I know him well enough to know that an over tired Abel isn’t a pretty sight. This boy needs a nap.
“I’m going to put him down for an hour,” I tell TJ before standing and hitching Abel up higher on my hip, grabbing his bag to hang on the other shoulder.
“You want me to take him?” he offers, but I tell him I’ve got it. I have managed to perfect the art of getting this boy to sleep in record time.
As we walk, Abel buries his face into my chest and wraps one of his hands up in my hair. “Let’s get you to sleep, sweet boy,” I coo, kissing his head as I make my way to the small room Poppy has set up for the babies to nap in. It’s only a few yards away from where we’re sitting, and I can see the door from my seat. The Pack-n-Play is set up, so I just have to lay him down and wait for him to go to sleep. Pulling the blinds closed to darken the room slightly, I make sure his blanket is tucked in tight, just how he likes it. I’m about to close the door when I realize, I haven’t set up the monitor we brought from TJ’s house. Plugging it in, I’m surprised when sounds from outside blare from the small unit in my hand. I must have picked up the wrong unit. I’m about to turn down the volume so it doesn’t disturb the baby when voices filter through. Curiosity wins, and I lift the speaker to my ear so I can hear what’s being said. I recognize TJ’s deep, rumbling voice immediately, but the other one is too quiet.
Moving to the window, I shift the blind so I can see who it is he’s speaking to. The beautiful brunette standing next to TJ shifts to the side so I can see her face. I don’t need to see her. I already knew it was Lucy.
My stomach pitches as she sits in my seat. The seat that’s still pulled close to him. I can’t take my eyes off them. It’s unsettling how good they look sitting next to each other, how well they seem to fit. I’m back to feeling like an intruder as I watch them. They’re sitting there in silence, but I can’t drag my eyes away.
“Do you ever think about us?”
The volume is low on the monitor, but the words are still like a whip cracking in the silent room.
My heart seizes at the question. My worst fears are playing out right in front of me.
He doesn’t answer right away, keeping his eyes trained on the party that’s still in full swing in front of him.
"Yeah, Luce. I do,” he laughs, but even distorted through the tiny speaker, I can tell there’s no humor in it.
“You fucked me up,” he tells her, and tears well in my eyes at his words. Words I’ve already heard from him but feel all the more real when I hear him saying them to someone else. To the person who meant so much to him, she turned his life upside down when they couldn’t be together.
Does he look at her and see Willow? Does he see a chance? An opportunity to right the mistakes he feels he made in the past?
Does he see something in her that I can’t give him?
I don’t have it in me to keep listening. The fear of hearing him say another word chokes me. Flicking the switch on the monitor, silence envelopes the room once again. Yet, I still can’t move away from the window.
Transfixed, I watch the man I’ve fallen in love with reach out to hold the hand of another woman. One he’s told me he thought he was in love with.
I need to get the hell out of here.
“Do you ever think about us?”
Shit.
I knew as soon as I saw her walking toward me that there was something wrong with Lucy. When she sat in the chair that Bree had just vacated, I had the urge to get up and make an excuse to leave. After a few minutes of uncomfortable small talk, she lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. Until she asked that question.
Do I ever think about it? Yes, but not in the way she’s asking.
“Yeah. Luce. I do.” I wait a second before I continue, searching for the right words. Whatever it is she’s got going on, I don’t want to make it worse by saying the wrong thing.
“You fucked me up, Luce.” I sigh. “I never really felt much about anyone until you.” This conversation has been a long time coming. We’ve skirted around it in the past, but we’ve never put it to rest. Is this the right time and place to do it? Probably not, but I want this done so I can move on. I don’t want Breeze to feel any insecurities. I don’t want her wondering where my head is at.
“I don’t know,” she finally says, dropping her gaze to her hands as she picks at the label on the beer bottle she’s holding. “I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I always thought it would be me.” She shrugs without looking at me. “I thought that when you pulled your head out of your ass, we’d find a way to make it work.”
“Luce—” I try to speak, but she cuts me off.
“I know. I moved on first, I met Scott, and I told you I was done, but there was always that tiny little seed in my mind. I thought that it would be us in the end.” She sounds so fucking lost, confused by her thoughts. I hate seeing her like this.
“I thought I loved you, and I thought that I lost it all when I lost you.” She flinches at my words.
“You thought you loved me?” she asks quietly.
“It wasn’t until I met Breeze that I realized how wrong I was.” I can’t help but let my lips tip up in a smile when I think about her, about how she’s shown me what love actually is.
“I thought I loved you. But I know now that it was just infatuation. I stood by and watched you live your life from the sideline, Luce. That’s not love, and that’s not an option with Bree. I want to be part of it; no, I need to be part of it. I thought getting over you would be easy with plenty of drink and other women. The thought of touching anyone but Breeze leaves me cold. Damn, I stood here in this very backyard and shook Scott’s hand for fuck sake. If Bree ever tried that shit, I’d be locked up for murder,” I tell her, laying my feeling out. As I say the words, I realize just how true they are.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have dragged all this crap up,” she says, her voice thick with emotion. “Scott and I, we’re going through some stuff. It'll be fine; I’ll be fine. I guess seeing you settled down, happy, it threw me for a minute.” She swipes at a tear as it escapes. “I’m so freaking stupid.” She huffs out a humorless laugh.
