YOU HAVEN’T TRIED PLAN B YET
Maybe you don’t feel very confident about your incipient Plan B skills, so you’re a little reluctant to give it a whirl. That’s understandable, given that you’ve probably had a lot more practice at Plan A. Or perhaps you’re worried that your child will respond to Plan B with the same heated and volatile reaction that has always been the case with Plan A. We can’t rule out that possibility completely; some kids are so accustomed to Plan A that they don’t immediately recognize that you’re trying hard to do things a different way. So, you may have some residual heat to contend with. But if you never give Plan B a try, then you and your kid will never become good at it. No one is great at Plan B in the beginning. You and your child are becoming good at this together.
YOU’VE TRIED PLAN B, BUT YOU’RE RELYING PRIMARILY ON EMERGENCY PLAN B INSTEAD OF PROACTIVE PLAN B
Remember, Emergency Plan B involves more heat (as in heat of the moment), more rush (as in you’re in the middle of something or on your way somewhere), and less ideal circumstances (for example, you’re driving the car, you’re in a parking lot or in the middle of a department store and have other kids and people around). All of those factors are likely to work against you when you’re trying to solve a problem collaboratively. You have much better odds if you’re going about it proactively. That’s why the ALSUP is so important: it sets the stage for you to identify unsolved problems and decide on high-priority unsolved problems ahead of time.
If you’re not the methodical, organized type, being proactive could be a challenge. Yet, being in perpetual crisis mode is probably even more challenging. Solving problems collaboratively, improving your relationship with your kid, and enhancing the skills he needs to handle problems and frustrations more adaptively is likely to require that you make some adjustments to your standard operating procedure.
If you’re extremely busy and are accustomed to solving problems in the spur of the moment, there’s a good chance you’re leaving your kid floundering in your wake, and he’s probably not doing very well back there. We could demand that he adapt to you, but since flexibility and adaptability are not his strengths, the more realistic option (though it may not be easy) is for you to adapt to him. Once he learns some skills and you are able to solve some chronic problems together, maybe he’ll be able to reciprocate.
YOU’RE USING PLAN B AS A LAST RESORT
Plan B isn’t an act of desperation, and it’s not something you turn to only when Plan A has failed you.
YOU STILL HAVE YOUR OLD LENSES ON
If you’re still not convinced that your kid lacks the skills to be flexible, handle frustration, and solve problems, you may want to go back and reread chapters 2 and 3. Don’t forget, the alternative explanation—that your child is attention-seeking, manipulative, coercive, limit-testing, and unmotivated, and that you’re a passive, permissive, inconsistent, non-contingent disciplinarian—hasn’t made things any better, so you really don’t have a lot to lose by trying on different lenses.
YOU’VE BEEN ENTERING THE EMPATHY STEP THINKING YOU ALREADY KNOW YOUR WHAT’S MAKING IT HARD FOR YOUR CHILD TO MEET AN EXPECTATION
As you read earlier, it’s common for adults to be incorrect in their assumptions about what’s making it hard for a child to meet an expectation. If you enter the Empathy step quite certain that you already know his concern, you’re at risk for perfunctory drilling and/or for steering the ship toward a predetermined destination. But you still won’t have the information you need to solve the problem.
YOU’VE BEEN ENTERING PLAN B WITH A PREORDAINED SOLUTION
It’s fine to have some ideas for how a problem can be solved, but it’s technically impossible to know what the solution is until you’ve identified the concerns of both parties. Remember, the reference point for all solutions is the degree to which it addresses the concerns of both parties.
YOU’VE BEEN AGREEING TO SOLUTIONS THAT AREN’T REALISTIC AND MUTUALLY SATISFACTORY
Before you sign off on a solution, make sure you and your child have given thought to whether the solution under consideration is truly realistic (meaning both parties can reliably follow through on what they’re agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (meaning the concerns of both parties have truly and logically been addressed). If there’s doubt about whether a solution is realistic and mutually satisfactory, you’ll want to continue the discussion until you and your child agree on a solution that comes closer to the mark.
YOU’VE BEEN TRYING TO BAKE THE CAKE WITHOUT ONE OF THE THREE KEY INGREDIENTS
Each of the three ingredients, each step, is indispensable in the collaborative resolution of a problem. If you skip the Empathy step, whatever solution you come up with will (a) be uninformed and (b) only address your concerns. Those solutions tend not to work very well. Case in point:
ADULT: I want to make sure you get your homework done before soccer practice from now on because if you don’t do your homework before soccer practice it doesn’t get done. How can we work that out?
KID: Huh?
As you now know, the Define Adult Concerns step involves entering your concern or perspective into consideration. Make sure you don’t enter a solution rather than a concern in this step, causing Plan B to morph into Plan A. Let’s see what that looks like:
ADULT (with a good introduction to the unsolved problem): I’ve noticed that it’s difficult for you to complete your homework on days that you have soccer practice. What’s up?
KID: Well, I’m really tired when I get home from soccer practice, and then by the time we get through with dinner it’s really late.
ADULT (using good reflective listening): So, you’re really tired when you get home from soccer practice and it’s really late after we finish dinner.
KID: Yeah, and I always just want to get up early the next morning and do the homework, but then I’m really tired in the morning, too.
ADULT (using more reflective listening): Ah, so you always think you’ll get up to do it in the morning, but you’re too tired in the morning, too.
KID: Yeah.
ADULT (checking in to find out if there’s anything more): Anything else I should know about why it’s hard for you to do your homework on the days you have soccer practice?
KID: No, that’s it.
ADULT (entering a solution rather than a concern): Well, my concern is that if you’re too tired after soccer practice and you’re too tired to do the homework the next morning, then you need to do the homework before soccer practice.
KID: I don’t want to do it before soccer practice! I’m tired when I get home from school and I need some time to chill!
Many adults manage to get through the first two steps of Plan B, but then skip the Invitation step and impose a solution anyway. Sometimes this is because the adults still can’t fathom that a child might be able to collaborate on a realistic and mutually satisfactory solution. Most often, it’s just a bad habit. Here’s what that would look like, continuing with the soccer practice unsolved problem:
ADULT (this time entering a concern in the Define Adult Concerns step): I think I understand. Well, my concern is that if you’re too tired to do your homework after soccer, and too tired to do it early the next morning, then it ends up not getting done, and that’s starting to affect your grades in a lot of your classes.
KID: I know.
ADULT (skipping the Invitation and heading straight into a unilateral solution): So, I’ve decided that if the homework isn’t completely done before soccer practice then you can’t go to soccer practice.
KID: What?!
ADULT (using one of the classic rationales for Plan A): I’m doing this for your own good.
KID: Well, that’s a crappy idea and I’m not doing it!
ADULT: Watch your tone, young man . . .
THE EMPATHY STEP NEVER GOT ROLLING BECAUSE YOUR KID’S FIRST RESPONSE TO THE UNSOLVED PROBLEM WAS “I DON’T KNOW” OR SILENCE
As you read in the previous chapter, this ca
uses many people to get stuck in the Plan B mud. Remember, your best initial strategy is to give the child some time to think. Wording unsolved problems according to the guidelines can also reduce the likelihood of “I don’t know” and silence, so you may want to double-check your wording. Doing Plan B proactively so your child isn’t surprised by your desire to have a discussion—and giving some advance notice of the topic—can reduce the likelihood of “I don’t know” and silence as well. But if you’re in good shape on all those counts and you still find yourself dealing with “I don’t know” or silence, you’ll need to figure out what the “I don’t know” or silence means. Here’s the short list of possibilities:
It’s possible he really doesn’t know what’s making it hard to meet a particular expectation. Perhaps you’ve never inquired before. Perhaps he’s never given the matter any thought. Perhaps he’s become so accustomed to having his concerns dismissed that he hasn’t given any thought to his concerns for a very long time. Proactive Plan B will provide him with the opportunity to give the matter some thought, so long as you’re not talking while he’s trying to think. A lot of adults aren’t comfortable with the silence that can occur as a kid is thinking. Remember, if you’re talking while your kid is trying to think, you’ll make it harder for him, thereby reducing your chances of gathering information. He may also need some of the reassurance that you read about in the previous chapter—reassurance that you’re not mad, that he’s not in trouble, that you’re not going to tell him what to do, and that you truly just want to understand.
He’s had so much Plan A in his life that he’s still betting on the Plan A horse. You’ll have to reassure him that you’re not riding that horse anymore. By the way, mere reassurance about that may not get the job done. The proof is in the pudding.
He thinks he’s in trouble. As discussed previously, history has taught a lot of kids that the raising of a problem means they’re in hot water and that the boom is about to be lowered. You’ll have to prove otherwise. By the way, this issue sometimes necessitates a Plan B discussion of its own, so you can learn as much as possible about the ways in which “problem solving” still feels like “you’re in trouble” to your child.
He may have some things to say that he knows you don’t want to hear, and he thinks if he says these things, it’ll cause a fight. Your goal in the Empathy step is to suspend your emotional response to what your child is saying, knowing that if you react emotionally to what you’re hearing you won’t end up hearing anything.
He forgot or didn’t understand what you asked. If he doesn’t verbalize this, his facial expression may provide some hints. You can always inquire: “Do you remember my question?” or “Do you understand what I’m asking?”
He’s having trouble putting his thoughts into words. Some clarification might help here: “Do you know what you want to say but you’re having trouble finding the words to say it? Or do you not know what you want to say?”
He’s buying time. A lot of kids say, “I don’t know,” instead of “Umm,” or “Give me a second,” or “Let me think about that a minute.” Since you’re not in a rush, you’ll be able to give him a second and let him think about it a minute.
If, after you’ve given your kid the chance to think, you become convinced that he really has no idea what his concern is or is simply unable to put his thoughts into words, your best option is to do some educated guessing or hypothesis testing. Suggest a few possibilities, based on experience, and see if any resonate. Here’s an example of educated guessing:
ADULT: I’ve noticed that you’ve been having difficulty taking your new medicine. What’s up?
KID: I don’t know.
ADULT: Well, let’s think about it. There’s no rush.
KID (after ten seconds): I really don’t know.
ADULT: Take your time. Let’s see if we can figure it out.
KID (after another five seconds): I really don’t know.
ADULT: OK. You know we’ve run into this problem a few times before with other medicines. Should we think about what it’s been before?
KID: I can’t remember.
ADULT: Well, sometimes it looks like you’re having trouble swallowing the pill. Is that it?
KID: No.
ADULT: Sometimes it makes you sick to your stomach. Is that the problem now?
KID: Um, no.
ADULT: Does it bother you that you have to take it at school and the other kids see you going down to the nurse?
KID: Yes!
ADULT: Ah, so that’s it. Anything else that we’re not thinking of?
KID: I don’t think so.
As you’re in the midst of hypothesizing, bear in mind that you’re proposing possibilities rather than divining the kid’s concern. Here’s what “divining” sounds like:
ADULT: I’ve noticed that you’ve been having difficulty taking your new medicine. What’s up?
KID: I don’t know.
ADULT: I think it’s because you’re having trouble swallowing the pill. I thought we were over that, but I guess not.
YOU GOT STUCK IN THE EMPATHY STEP BECAUSE YOU HAD TROUBLE DRILLING
It’s not always easy to know what to say to keep your kid talking so you can get the information you’re seeking, and there are some things kids say in response to “What’s up?” that can be especially vexing. Some examples:
ADULT: I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling a lot on your homework lately. What’s up?
KID: It’s boring.
ADULT (trying to drill a little): What’s boring about it?
KID: It’s just boring.
ADULT (still trying to drill): Well, can you tell me some of the assignments that you’re finding boring?
KID: My mind is a complete blank.
ADULT: I’ve noticed you haven’t been eating what I’ve been making for dinner lately. What’s up?
KID: I don’t like it.
ADULT (trying to drill): What don’t you like about it?
KID: It doesn’t taste good.
ADULT (still trying to drill): Well, can you tell me what doesn’t taste good?
KID: It just doesn’t taste good.
When initial attempts at drilling don’t strike oil, you may be inclined to abandon the well. Hang in there. You always have educated guessing or hypothesis testing as a last resort. Again, your best default drilling option, though, is reflective listening: simply saying back to the child whatever he just said, accompanied by a clarifying statement. Let’s see what this drilling strategy (and others) might look like in situations in which it appears the well is dry. These dialogues don’t take you all the way through Plan B; they focus solely on “drilling perseverance” (and the drilling strategy, in parentheses, that’s being used):
ADULT: I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling a lot on your homework lately. What’s up?
KID: It’s boring.
ADULT (trying to drill a little, using Strategy #2): What’s boring about it?
KID: It’s just boring.
ADULT (using Strategy #2): Can you tell me what assignments you’re finding boring?
KID: My mind is a complete blank.
ADULT (not abandoning the well and trying to help the kid get back into the moment, using Strategy #4): Hmm. So, when you’re sitting there trying to do your homework, what are you thinking?
KID: I’m thinking it’s boring.
ADULT (Strategies #1 and #4): Ah, you’re thinking it’s boring. What else are you thinking?
KID: I’m thinking I don’t understand it.
ADULT (Strategy #2): What part are you thinking you don’t understand?
KID: The math. I just don’t get it.
ADULT: OK, let’s talk about the parts of the math that you’re not understanding . . .
Of course, the conversation would continue from there . . . but way to hang in there! Let’s try another:
ADULT: I’ve noticed you haven’t been eating what I’ve been making for dinner lately. What’s up?
KID: I don’t like it.
ADULT (using Strategy #2): What don’t you like about it?
KID: I just don’t like it.
ADULT (using Strategy #1): You just don’t like it. Can you say more about that?
KID: It just doesn’t taste good.
ADULT (sticking with Strategy #1): Ah, it just doesn’t taste good. What do you mean?
KID: I don’t know.
ADULT (not abandoning the well and using drilling Strategy #3): You know, I noticed that some nights you eat what I make and some nights you don’t. Are there some things I make that you like and some things I make that you don’t?
KID: I like pasta.
ADULT: Yes, I’ve noticed that you do like pasta. But I think there are other things I make that you eat.
KID: Like what?
ADULT: Rice.
KID: Oh, yeah, rice. But when you put all that stuff in it, like nuts, and those little slices of orange, it’s disgusting.
ADULT: Is there anything else I make that you like?
KID: No.
ADULT: Is there anything I make that you especially don’t like? I mean, besides the rice with the nuts and mandarin oranges in it.
KID: Well, I kinda like your meatballs, but that’s it. And I don’t like the vegetables . . . except corn on the cob.
ADULT: I’m glad we’re figuring out what you like and don’t like. That’ll help us solve this problem.
YOUR KID VERBALIZED HIS CONCERN OR PERSPECTIVE IN THE EMPATHY STEP, BUT YOU DIDN’T BELIEVE HIM
While it’s conceivable that your kid’s first stab at identifying and articulating his concern may not be spot on (after all, he may not have given his concerns much thought until you asked), a lot of adults are quick to view a kid’s concern as wrong or untrue. But the last thing you’d want to do is dismiss his concern or, worse, tell him you think he’s lying. That approach is useful only for getting him to stop talking to you. I’ve found that most of the concerns that adults thought were wrong or untrue actually had a kernel of truth to them. If you’re drilling well, you’ll give your kid the opportunity to clarify his concerns.
The Explosive Child Page 9
