When adults tell me they think a kid is lying in the Empathy step, it’s often because the adult isn’t inquiring about a specific unsolved problem but rather about a behavior someone saw the kid exhibit, usually setting the stage for an exercise in grilling rather than drilling. Here’s what that sounds like (notice the adult isn’t really doing the Empathy step):
PARENT: I heard from your teacher, Ms. Adams, that you hit Jovan on the playground.
KID: I did not. She’s lying.
PARENT: Now, why would Ms. Adams lie about that?
KID: I don’t know, but she is. I didn’t hit him. He hit me.
PARENT: That’s not what she said.
KID: Well, she’s wrong.
PARENT: She said she saw it with her own eyes!
KID: Then she’s blind, ’cuz I didn’t hit him. He hit me. Why don’t you believe me?
Whether or not the kid is telling the truth is one issue (we all know how unreliable eyewitness accounts can be). But trying to get to the bottom of a specific incident is beside the point anyway, because what happened in a specific incident isn’t nearly as important as solving the chronic problem of the kid and Jovan having difficulty getting along on the playground.
YOUR KID SAID HE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR CONCERN, SO YOUR ENTHUSIASM FOR PLAN B DISSIPATED RAPIDLY
Don’t be insulted that he doesn’t care about your concern. Let’s face it, you may not actually care that much about his. The good news is that he doesn’t really have to care about your concern; he just has to take it into account as you pursue a mutually satisfactory solution together. He’ll start trying to address your concerns not too long after you start trying to address his. Here’s an example:
PARENT: Hector, I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to come in for dinner when you’re playing outside. What’s up?
HECTOR: You always make me come in when I’m in the middle of something fun.
PARENT: Ah, you’re always in the middle of something fun. Is there anything else about my calling you in for dinner that’s hard for you?
HECTOR: No. I just don’t want to come in if I’m in the middle of a fun game.
PARENT: I understand. The thing is, you’re almost always in the middle of something fun when I call you in for dinner, and it’s really important to me that we eat dinner together as a family.
HECTOR: I don’t care if we eat dinner together as a family.
PARENT: Um . . . OK. Well, I guess it’s probably more important to me that we eat together than it is to you. But I’m thinking that if we could get the problem solved in a way that works for both of us, then we could stop arguing about it.
YOUR KID DIDN’T HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR SOLUTIONS
Hopefully you had some ideas. Remember, it’s not his job to solve the problem; it’s the job of the problem-solving partners: you and him. So, if your kid truly has no ideas, it’s fine for you to offer some proposals, so long as you don’t end up imposing your will in the process. This is discussed further in chapter 9.
PLAN B NEVER GOT OFF THE GROUND BECAUSE YOUR KID BLEW UP THE MINUTE YOU STARTED TALKING OR WAS TOO HYPERACTIVE TO SIT STILL FOR THE CONVERSATION
If your child becomes agitated the instant you try to initiate Proactive Plan B, many of the factors discussed in this chapter could be coming into play, and many of the remedies you’ve read about may help. Of course, there are other factors that could be interfering. For example, it’s possible that your child lacks some skills crucial for participating in Plan B. That topic is covered fairly extensively in the next chapter. But there are some kids whose fuses are so short, who are so irritable and unhappy, or so hyperactive and/or inattentive, that they can’t engage in the conversation. In those instances, it’s worth considering whether medication might provide some relief and make problem solving more feasible. Some kids won’t be able to participate in Plan B without the aid of medication. This topic is discussed more fully in the next chapter as well.
YOU’RE TOO EXHAUSTED OR TOO SICK OF YOUR CHILD OR TOO SCARED OF YOUR CHILD TO GIVE THIS A TRY
We have to figure out how to get your energy back. I’ve seen the approach described in this book accomplish just that. Relationships recover as caregivers begin to see a child’s difficulties through more accurate, more compassionate eyes. Communication is renewed as a kid feels heard and legitimized. Concerning behaviors diminish as problems are solved and caregivers respond to a child’s difficulties in a less punitive, less adversarial manner. The kid is less scary. The caregivers feel more empowered. The energy, compassion, and optimism come back.
But it’s also the case that some caregivers need to focus on themselves, too. They need to find ways to spend time away from the child and recharge and find ways to focus on other aspects of life besides the child. Mental health clinicians, support groups, social service agencies, spouses, relatives, and friends can sometimes be of help.
* * *
Debbie was eager to return to her Plan B discussion with Jennifer. The day after her first try, Debbie approached Jennifer during breakfast again.
“Jennifer, do you remember what we were talking about yesterday morning?”
Jennifer seemed annoyed to be interrupted. “Yeah.”
“Do you think we could finish solving the problem?”
“No.”
Against her better judgment, Debbie tried again. “I was kind of hoping we could finish solving the problem.”
The wooden look on Jennifer’s face was familiar. “I’m not solving the problem.”
Now things were going the way Debbie had anticipated they would the first time. She tried reflective listening. “You’re not solving the problem.”
“I’m not solving the problem!” yelled Jennifer, slamming her glass down on the table. “And I’m not talking about it either!”
Debbie quickly went into de-escalation mode. “OK.” She began loading dishes into the dishwasher.
After a two-minute silence, Jennifer said, “I’ll talk about it later.”
Debbie was tempted to ask when “later” might be but thought better of it. She decided to wait it out.
Jennifer finished her waffles, put her glass and plate in the sink, and began walking to her bedroom. Debbie took a chance. “Let me know when you want to talk about it again.”
Jennifer kept walking.
That afternoon, Debbie was talking with Kevin in the kitchen while Kevin made chili. Jennifer came into the kitchen.
“I think we should have a schedule,” she announced.
Kevin, thinking she was talking about the dinner he was cooking, said, “Oh, I make my chili about every other week.”
Jennifer had little tolerance for being misunderstood. “I wasn’t talking about your f—ing chili!”
Kevin had little tolerance for profanity. Debbie saw where this was heading and intervened as Kevin was turning around to respond. “A schedule for what, honey?”
“For the TV,” said Jennifer.
“For what?” said Kevin, still irked at Jennifer’s earlier response.
“Forget about it!” yelled Jennifer.
“Whoa, hold on,” said Debbie, shooting her “back-off” look at Kevin. “I want to hear your idea about the schedule for the TV.”
“Not in here,” said Jennifer, glaring at Kevin.
“How about in your room?” Debbie suggested. She and Jennifer settled themselves in Jennifer’s bedroom. “Tell me your idea,” said Debbie when they were both sitting down.
“I think there should be a schedule so me and Riley don’t fight about what to watch on TV.”
“Tell me more,” said Debbie.
“Like, he could have a certain hour every day that he could watch SportsCenter and I could have an hour to watch my shows.”
“I think that might be a great idea,” said Debbie, who couldn’t remember the last time Jennifer had proposed a solution to anything without screaming. “Shall I ask Riley if he’d be OK with that idea?”
Jennifer was s
ilent. Debbie continued. “Because we’d want to make sure the idea works for him, too.”
“Well, that’s my solution,” said Jennifer.
“Oh, I’m betting he would like the idea,” Debbie reassured. “I just want to make sure.”
“That’s my idea, whether he likes it or not.”
“Well, how about I found out if he likes it, and we can take it from there?”
Jennifer seemed finished with the conversation.
“Thanks for telling me your idea,” said Debbie. “I’m glad you thought about it.”
Jennifer was now distracted by her laptop. Looks like the conversation is over, thought Debbie.
Debbie went back out into the kitchen. “We have a very interesting daughter,” she said to Kevin.
“I don’t like her swearing at us,” said Kevin.
“Me either,” said Debbie, sitting down at the kitchen table. “But if I have to tolerate some swearing so she’ll talk to us, I’ll make that trade. Talking is more important to me right now.”
“She’s talking?”
“A little,” Debbie said and smiled. “I’m starting to think there’s a lot going on in that head of hers that we don’t know much about.”
Later, it dawned on Debbie that she hadn’t talked with Sandra all weekend. She called, excited to share the latest Jennifer developments, but when Sandra answered the phone she knew immediately that something was wrong. Sandra told her that Frankie had hit her in the mouth, hard, and run away. This wasn’t the first time Debbie had heard that Frankie had hit his mom, and Frankie’s hitting was in a different league compared to Jennifer’s.
“I don’t know what to do,” said Sandra.
“What was he mad about?”
“I told him the new in-home therapist was coming tomorrow. He got pissed about that. Then I got pissed ’cuz I’m sick of having these people in my house telling me what to do when it doesn’t do me any damn good anyway. Then I told him that the in-home therapist wouldn’t have to come if he’d just get his damn act together and that he was going to get me fired from my damn job. Then he hit me. I guess he wanted me to shut up.”
“Where is he now?” asked Debbie.
“I don’t know,” said Sandra. “I’m betting he’s not coming home tonight.”
Debbie was at a loss. “Do you want me to come over? Do you want to meet somewhere?”
“I don’t want you to see my lip.”
“It won’t bother me,” said Debbie.
“I’ll be OK.” There was a long pause. “I don’t want to live this way anymore,” said Sandra, her voice breaking.
9
The Questions
We’ve covered a lot of territory up to this point. And while many of your questions about solving problems collaboratively may already have been answered, it’s possible many more have arisen. Time to get those questions answered. There’s some repetition in this chapter, too . . . good to make sure the important points don’t get overlooked.
QUESTION: If I’m using Plan B, how will my child be held accountable—you know, take responsibility—for her actions?
ANSWER: For too many people, the phrases “hold the child accountable” and “make them take responsibility” are really codes for “punishment.” And many people believe (you read about this in chapter 5) that if the punishments a child has already received for their concerning behaviors haven’t put an end to these behaviors, it must be because the punishments didn’t cause the child enough pain. So, they add more pain. In my experience, kids with concerning behaviors have had more pain added to their lives than most people experience in a lifetime. If pain were going to work, it would have worked a long time ago. If a kid is getting their concerns on the table, taking yours into account, and working collaboratively toward solutions that work for both of you, and therefore the frequency and intensity of challenging episodes are being reduced, then you can rest assured that she’s being held accountable and taking responsibility for their actions.
QUESTION: So, I can still set limits?
ANSWER: Absolutely. Remember, you’re setting limits whether you’re using Plan A or Plan B. With Plan A you’re setting limits by imposing your will. You’re also slamming the door on understanding and addressing your kid’s concerns, increasing the likelihood of adversarial interactions with your child, pressing ahead with uninformed solutions, not solving problems durably, and not enhancing skills. With Plan B, you’re setting limits by engaging your child in collaboratively solving the problem that was making it difficult for her to meet your expectations. When you set limits using Plan B, you’re learning about what’s getting in your child’s way, decreasing adversarial interactions, working together on solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory, enhancing the skills she’s lacking (and perhaps learning some new skills yourself), and solving problems durably. The hardest thing about Plan B is becoming good at it.
QUESTION: Does Plan B make it clear to my child that I disapprove of her behavior?
ANSWER: Yes. The mere fact that you’re talking to your child about the problems that are causing her behavior makes it quite clear that things need to be different. By the way, a lot of the concerning behaviors you disapprove of occur in the context of using Plan A. If you’re not relying on Plan A and are proactively solving problems with Plan B, the concerning behaviors that go along with Plan A will subside as well.
QUESTION: What about the real world? What if my kid has a “Plan A” boss someday?
ANSWER: A Plan A boss is a problem to be solved. Which skill set is more important for life in the real world: the blind adherence to authority taught with Plan A, or identifying and articulating one’s concerns, taking others’ concerns into account, and working toward solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory with Plan B? If kids are completely dependent on the imposition of adult will to do the right thing, then what will they do when adults aren’t around to impose their will? My friend Tony Wagner has written some very influential books—including The Global Achievement Gap: Why Even Our Best Schools Don’t Teach the New Survival Skills Our Children Need—and What We Can Do About It—about the skills kids are going to need to lead productive, adaptive lives in the future. Foremost among those skills: collaboration and problem solving. Blind adherence to authority didn’t make the list.
QUESTION: Aren’t safety issues best addressed with Plan A?
ANSWER: It depends on the situation. As you’ve read, in emergent safety situations (e.g., your child is about to step in front of a speeding car), imposition of adult will (yanking on her arm) may make perfect sense. With other emergent safety issues (e.g., your child has a chair over her head and is threatening to throw it), de-escalating things may actually make more sense than Plan A. But here’s the most important point: if your child is exhibiting chronic safety problems—perhaps she’s frequently darting in front of moving cars in a parking lot—then Proactive Plan B is likely to be your best long-term option for solving that problem. Here’s what that sounds like:
PARENT (initiating the Empathy step): Chris, I’ve noticed that it’s a little hard for you to stay next to me when we’re in parking lots. What’s up?
CHRIS: I don’t know.
PARENT: Well, let’s think about it a second. What’s so hard about staying next to me when we’re in the parking lot?
CHRIS: Um . . . I guess I’m just really excited about getting into the store.
PARENT: Yes, I’ve noticed that you’re very excited about getting into the store. Is there any other reason you think it’s hard to stay next to me?
CHRIS: Um . . . I don’t like it when you hold my hand. That’s for babies.
PARENT: Ah, yes, I’ve noticed that, too. Anything else you can think of that would help me understand why you’re having trouble staying next to me in the parking lot?
CHRIS: Not really.
PARENT: OK. So, you’re having trouble staying next to me because you’re really excited to get into the store and you do
n’t like it when I hold your hand. Yes?
CHRIS: Uh-huh.
PARENT (initiating the Define Adult Concerns step): I understand. My concern is that it’s dangerous for you to run in front of cars, and that’s what happens if I don’t hold your hand. And if I see that you’re about to run in front of a car, I have to grab you so you don’t get hurt, and then we get mad at each other. Know what I mean?
CHRIS: Yup.
PARENT (initiating the Invitation step): I wonder if there’s a way for us to keep you from running in front of cars in the parking lot so you don’t get hurt without me holding your hand. Do you have any ideas?
CHRIS: Um . . . we could not go into parking lots.
PARENT: That’s an idea. The thing is, sometimes we have to go into parking lots, like to go food shopping or to the drugstore. So, I don’t know if we can stay away from parking lots completely. But I bet there’s some way we could be in parking lots without my having to worry about you running in front of cars and without me holding your hand. What do you think?
CHRIS: You could leave me home with Grammy.
PARENT: I could, sometimes. But Grammy can’t always look after you when I’m out doing errands.
CHRIS: I could hold your belt loop.
PARENT: You could hold my belt loop. That would be better than me holding your hand?
CHRIS: Yes. Holding hands is for babies.
PARENT: You’d hold my belt loop even if you were really excited about getting into the store?
CHRIS: Yes.
PARENT: What if I’m wearing something that doesn’t have a belt loop?
The Explosive Child Page 10
