My Ex-Wife Said Go to Hell

by Zurosky, Kirk

  The Zombie Pope left the stand and exited the courtroom, flinging holy water all the way. I could have used a few prayers. Married to Bloodsucker Number One? And now I was divorced. This place was utter madness. I had protested to Justice that I never signed it, but he waved at me to be quiet as Feminera stood to call her next witness.

  “We call Sirio Sinestra to the stand,” Feminera said.

  After placing my hand on the perjury globe and swearing to tell the truth, I looked out into the courtroom. Justice seemed a million miles away, but not so Feminera. She clomped up to the witness stand and could barely contain her mirth as she juggled some documents. She had handed Justice identical copies of the same documents. He read with lightning speed, and all color drained from his face. He dropped what she had handed him to the table and sat back in his seat, clearly defeated. What was Feminera holding?

  “You are Sirio Sinestra,” she said.

  “Yes,” I answered. “Of course I am. You know who I am. Why are you asking me that?”

  The Head Magistrate looked down from the bench. “Just answer her questions,” he admonished me.

  Feminera handed me a piece of parchment. Justice sat with his head in his hands, waiting for the inevitable. “Do you recognize what I am showing you?”

  “It’s a piece of parchment.”

  Feminera grimaced. “Can you read the top line of this document, and tell the court what it is?”

  “I will do my best,” I said. “Wherefore, the party to the first part and the party to the second part, hereinafter, forevermore, hereby avow, swear, promise, and elucidate . . .” I paused to catch my breath. Who could read this stuff without passing out from lack of air?

  Feminera looked to the Head Magistrate. “Your Honor, the witness is being unresponsive.”

  The Head Magistrate’s black eyes bored into my own, the fierceness of his gaze threatening to burst out the back of my skull with the intensity. “Mr. Sinestra,” he said, “if you do not answer her questions, I will find you in contempt.”

  Feminera smiled. “Again, Mr. Sinestra, what is this document I am showing you?”

  “Hey, I am doing the best I can up here,” I said. “In the midst of this legal gibberish, I see my name, that bitch’s name, and a whole bunch of seven-syllable words, so this is going to take a while.”

  Feminera turned to the Head Magistrate. “Will Your Honor take judicial notice that this is an approved certificate of adoption from the Immortal Divorce Court files?”

  The Head Magistrate reviewed it quickly. “The Court takes such notice,” he replied. “Speed reader here, really limited reader over there.”

  Feminera looked me in the eye. “And will the court take notice that this certificate of adoption proclaims the adoptive parents of Martin the Navigator are my client and this man here on the stand, Sirio Sinestra.”

  The Head Magistrate nodded. “It is so noted.”

  I looked up at him, and felt my face grow warm as my anger grew. “That is not true!” I exclaimed. “I never signed an adoption certificate.”

  Feminera thrust the certificate in my face. “Apparently you did, Mr. Sinestra.”

  “I think not,” I said. “That dead bit of rubbish over there and that trollop are liars, thieves, and ingrates.” I snatched the paper out of her hand and ripped it into pieces, tossing them in the air and taking pleasure in how they slowly fluttered to the floor. “Rubbish, I tell you.”

  The Head Magistrate whirled around in his seat. “I am warning you, Mr. Sinestra,” he said. “This is a court of law, and you will maintain your decorum.”

  “He has destroyed evidence, Your Honor,” Feminera wailed. “Hold him in contempt.”

  Justice leaped from his seat. “Your Honor, the witness apologizes. Another copy is easily fetched from the court files. I will have a word with my client. And quite obviously, we question the authenticity of the signature. Perhaps a break is in order?”

  While Justice was talking, the Head Magistrate had his head down and was slowly shaking it back and forth. I saw him take a deep breath. Surely he was going to throw out this ridiculous case, and those fake documents.

  “Listen to me, Justice,” he commanded. “Your client has one more chance. The next wrong statement or action will be his last in this courtroom. Understood?”

  “Yes, sir,” Justice replied.

  I sat silently picking at my fingernails until I realized Justice, the Head Magistrate, and the entire courtroom were looking at me. “Oh, right,” I said. “Yes, sir.”

  “Court is adjourned for fifteen minutes,” the Head Magistrate said.

  “All rise,” the deputy boomed. With a sidelong glance at me, the Head Magistrate left the courtroom. I walked back to Justice at the counsel table, and we left the courtroom in silence.

  “Get in here,” Justice screamed, pulling me down a side hallway and into a room reserved for litigants and their attorneys. “Are you absolutely mad?”

  “I was a little miffed in there, but I am starting to feel better, thank you,” I replied.

  “You need to get a firm grip on yourself, or you will find yourself in contempt, and the Head Magistrate will leave you without a single gold coin to your name,” Justice snapped.

  “This is sheer lunacy,” I said.

  “Are you sure you never signed those documents?”

  Then it hit me with twice the force of the Bogeyman, and I dropped into a chair. “Um, actually I think I did.”

  “You what?”

  “Back when I was in the royal court of Isabella, that devious bloodsucker had me sign all sorts of documents as part of my royal duties,” I said, dropping my head into my hands. “Well, I can always deny it is my signature, because, I mean, I didn’t read anything I signed because no one does that! That is kind of the same thing, right, Justice?”

  “You just remembered it is your signature, so trust me, the perjury globe will know you are lying, and then you will be frying!” Justice exclaimed. “That explains why nothing happened just now. You were not lying. You really had no idea that you signed those papers. But now you are doomed.”

  “What is our plan?”

  Justice shook his head. “I am afraid you are just going to have to tell the truth and throw yourself on the mercy of the court.” A bell tolled deeply from some hidden recess, signaling it was time to return to the courtroom.

  “If you are a religious man,” Justice said, “I would suggest you start praying.”

  When we entered the courtroom, I saw a vaguely familiar woman sitting next to Bloodsucker Number One. Who was she? I wondered, racking my brain for the answer. Feminera stood as court came back in session. “Your Honor,” she said, “if I may call a witness out of order, I think we can shorten this hearing and satisfy our burden of proving Sirio Sinestra signed these documents.”

  Justice expertly suppressed his smirk. “No objection.”

  “We call Jane Dough,” Feminera said.

  Justice leaned over. “Who is this?”

  I scratched my head. “I think she was one of Isabella’s attendants. But I never knew she was an immortal.”

  Justice peered at her. “She is definitely an immortal, though for the life of me, I am not sure which kind. Odd. But that is probably not a big concern. Now, as to what she actually says, that is something else entirely.”

  After Dough was sworn in, Feminera asked her, “What is your lineage?”

  Jane Dough was a frail-looking creature with wispy blonde hair, and a frame so thin it looked like a stiff breeze would break her in two. “My father and mother both died when I was very young, so I never got a chance to really know them, my family, or my true lineage.”

  “How sad,” I whispered to Justice. “What a poor helpless creature!”

  “Women are never poor and helpless,” he hissed back.

  “How
did you come to be in the court of Queen Isabella?” Feminera queried Miss Dough.

  “To further my education,” Dough said. “I posed as a servant to get source information for my doctoral thesis on mortal humanity at Oxford. I was tired of dressing as a boy—most of whom were a dumb lot—so with my professor’s permission, I traveled to Spain for an independent study. And I realized, what better place was there to learn about mortal humanity than in the royal courts? I mean, you could just watch play after play about royals, because they are always the ones making such a muck of their lives. I thought it would be the best experience to just observe everything.”

  “Everything?” asked Feminera.

  “To be honest things were kind of boring with Isabella, so I focused on finding a man. That is until the two vampires showed up,” she said. “Sirio over there was a nice fellow, but there are rocks with more common sense.”

  I sat up in my chair. “Did she say rocks?” Justice shushed me as Dough kept talking. I had more common sense than a rock!

  “And, well, your client gives females a bad name be they immortal or human. So manipulative! He signed anything she gave him. He was like a dog. Until the day—” She stopped. “Even a dog knows if it has been tripped over or kicked. He was kicked, but good.”

  “But did he sign the marriage certificate and adoption papers?”

  Jane Dough looked up at me and shook her head sadly. “Yes, yes, he did. I saw him sign them with nary a care in the world. He never even gave them a second glance.”

  “No more questions, Your Honor,” said Feminera.

  The Head Magistrate looked over at Justice, who was deep in thought as to how to get me out of this mess. I thought I could see a fire starting on top of his head. What could Justice do? I had signed those papers. “Questions, Mr. Justice?” the Head Magistrate asked.

  “Miss Dough,” Justice said, peering at her over his spectacles. He stood and walked over in front of Bloodsucker Number One. He pointed at her and turned back to the witness stand. “You said she was manipulative?”

  Jane Dough nodded. “I did, indeed.”

  Justice looked at Bloodsucker Number One, who remained impassive. I was amazed at how much in control she was of her emotions, but then I remembered, she was certainly no stranger to this accursed venue. I also remembered she had no emotions, or heart, or any sense of decency, but I digress. Justice turned back to Miss Dough. “When these two vampires came back from Rome, was the marriage certificate in her possession?”

  “Yes, it was,” Jane Dough answered. “But the weird thing was she never said anything to anybody about it. And, well, your client, he was clueless as usual.” I shook my head at her insult and gave her my best nasty look of death. I looked over at Bloodsucker Number One, who did a poor job of containing her smirk. Why didn’t she get admonished?

  Justice had paused at that answer. “So, she did not act married to my client?”

  “No.”

  “And there was no ceremony of any kind?”

  “No.”

  Justice turned and walked back to our table. “What did she do with the marriage certificate, then?”

  Dough thought for a moment. “She kept it with the rest of her secret papers. I guess now we know why.”

  Feminera shot to her feet. “Objection, move to strike the witness’s last answer. Nonresponsive.”

  The Head Magistrate nodded to the clerk. “Strike her last sentence from the record.”

  Justice rolled his eyes. “You testified that my client signed the adoption papers of Martin the Navigator, correct?”

  “Yes, I did,” Dough answered.

  Justice got up and again walked over to stand directly in front of Bloodsucker Number One and Martin. He peered at Martin for a second, and the unmistakable hint of a smile crossed Justice’s face. I tried to look at Martin, but my view was blocked by Feminera and Bloodsucker Number One. Was Martin even breathing over there?

  Justice pointed first at Martin, then at Bloodsucker Number One. “Did my client sign the adoption papers before or after this man and this vampire began having carnal relations?”

  Feminera popped up from her seat, an angry redheaded cyclone spitting words and fury. “Objection, objection,” she screamed. “Irrelevant! Immaterial! Inconsequential! This witness cannot know that!”

  For the first time all afternoon, the Head Magistrate appeared to be enjoying himself. “Overruled,” he said. He turned to Jane Dough. “You can answer the question, if you know.”

  “I do know the answer,” Miss Dough said. “They absolutely were sleeping together before Mr. Sinestra signed the certificate of adoption.”

  Justice looked at Bloodsucker Number One. “So, she was effectively having relations with her son before he became her son?”

  “Objection,” Feminera howled.

  “I withdraw the question, Your Honor,” Justice said with a wink back to me. “Your Honor, I have no more questions for Miss Dough, but I would like to be heard on the validity of the adoption and the marriage.”

  The Head Magistrate nodded his head. “Miss Dough, you may step down from the witness stand if there are no more questions,” he said, looking at Feminera, who shook her head. “May I ask, Miss Dough, what you are doing now?” he continued.

  Dough blushed. “Nothing, sir. I have gone as far as immortal education can take me. My doctoral degree in mortal humanities was complete fifty years ago. I am searching for the next path.”

  The Head Magistrate beckoned his clerk. “As a result of your immortal lineage,” he said, “you are eligible for law school. Have you ever considered that? I would be more than happy to sponsor you.”

  “I could not afford the fee,” she replied.

  The Head Magistrate pursed his lips in thought, and then his face brightened up as much as it could, all dour things considered. “I will order witness fees payable to you by Feminera’s client over there, which will give you the entrance fees,” he said. “And you can work as a clerk for me for the rest of it.”

  Bloodsucker Number One hit Feminera on the arm, clearly outraged that she had to pay something in Immortal Divorce Court. Did the Head Magistrate not know that she was the victim here? Feminera glared her into silence, reading that now was certainly not the time to press her luck and ruin the sort of happy mood of the Head Magistrate. “Don’t even think of not paying it,” she said to Bloodsucker Number One, probably a bit louder than she intended. “I am telling you, that would be your undoing.”

  Jane Dough was now a fine shade of crimson. “Your Honor,” she said, bowing low. “Your generous offer is a dream come true. I will not disappoint you.”

  “Go with my clerk. He will get the process started,” said the Head Magistrate. He then turned to address the courtroom. “I know legal talent when I see it. That girl is as sharp as a deputy’s sword and can probably make one hell of a point with said sharpness. I may have just found my replacement, huh? All right then, Justice, the argument is yours.”

  Justice stood and spread his arms wide. “Your Honor,” he said, “a clearer case of fraud has never been presented in this courtroom. The marriage was a sham. A plot done in secret so that the woman over there could bring this claim against my client years later for no other purpose than to reap an ill-gotten gain.”

  “Hold on, Justice,” said the Head Magistrate. “I have already ruled the marriage was legitimate. And these two people are already divorced as of this morning. Your client’s time for contesting the marriage ended when they got divorced. The burden was on him to bring a fraud claim when they were actually married. And with the testimony from the Zombie Pope earlier, all he had to do was read the certificate. A certificate that he carried himself from Rome all the way back to Spain. He had over a hundred years to figure it out, for goodness’ sake!”

  “But, Your Honor!” Justice protested.

  “But
nothing,” the Head Magistrate growled. “I will hear you on the adoption in a moment. Clerk, bring me Mr. Sinestra’s personal inventory.”

  I was stunned at the turn of events. “What is happening?” I said to Justice. “What is my personal inventory?”

  Justice shook his head sadly. “You are about to become a good bit poorer, my friend.”

  The clerk handed the Head Magistrate a piece of parchment. “Well, this will be easy,” the Head Magistrate said. “Mr. Sinestra, there is the matter of my fee. Ten gold coins for that.” That same accursed rainbow shot from his gavel and struck my money pouch.

  “What is this?” I cried, jumping to my feet. “You can’t take my gold.”

  The Head Magistrate banged his gavel, and gold chains shot from the floor next to me, encircled my arms and legs, and pulled me back into my chair. “Thank you for taking your seat, Mr. Sinestra. I am just getting started. I grant eternal possession of your house in Barcelona to her, Mr. Sinestra. That means forever, Mr. Sinestra.” He peered at the paper for a moment. “Oh,” he said. “Who knew? A vampire that saves. Hmm. I also grant her the three hundred gold coins you had buried in the well in that house. Nothing is secret from Immortal Divorce Court, Mr. Sinestra. Tut-tut.”

  I watched in absolute horror as a rainbow formed over Bloodsucker Number One and rained down a shower of gold. My gold! She shrieked in delight as the coins cascaded on the table, rolled off her clutching hands, and pelted the inert Martin in the face. I struggled against the chains that bound me, but they were clearly a match for any immortal. I stopped struggling as Bloodsucker Number One’s golden shower ended, yet I was the one that just got pissed on, and that just made me pissed off! I vowed that I would have my revenge, but this nightmare was not quite over.

  “Mr. Justice,” the Head Magistrate said. “I will hear you on the adoption issue.”