My Ex-Wife Said Go to Hell

by Zurosky, Kirk

  My keen eyes picked up a small dust cloud coming down the road toward the village. It was a small wagon pulled by a single horse struggling to pull its load. The wagon was traveling alone without any kind of advance guard. Which, come to think of it, was not unusual, since anyone traveling this IDC-forsaken road to the outskirts of Hell either had no gold or was about to be stripped of all the gold they had left. No one went into Immortal Divorce Court with their gold in hand. That would be insane. Or at the very least, a not very well thought out plan. The wagon drew closer, and I saw a single driver with a cowl draped over its head to protect from the sun. I could not tell if it was a man or woman, mortal or immortal. And quite honestly it did not matter, for this wagon was soon to be mine.

  It was nearly even with my hiding spot, and as it passed, I leaped from a rock onto the wagon and slipped my arm around the neck of the driver and incapacitated it. It bleated loudly and struggled quite feebly. Bleated? I snatched the reins from its hands with my spare hand and yanked hard, slowing the horse, and pulled back the cowl of the sputtering driver and instantly released my grasp.

  “Cabernet!” I exclaimed, slapping the flushed cheeks of the poor satyr to bring him back to consciousness. He tended bar at the Golden Rule, the inn right across the street from the IDC courthouse, and clearly he was not used to being assaulted by the likes of me. “My apologies, good bartender! I did not know that it was your wagon I was intending to borrow and not return. It is me, Sirius Sinister—although you might remember me as Sirio Sinestra.”

  The old satyr sat next to me on the wagon, rubbing his throat, peering at me through the same worn spectacles he wore the first time we had met. He looked even more weathered, more tired, and definitely more mange-covered than since I last saw him over a century ago. Finally, he nodded. “I remember you, Sinister,” he said. “The business with Feminera and Justice and the lady vampire, right?”

  “Yes, but the vampire was no lady,” I said. “You remember that?”

  Cabernet’s eyes became more focused, and he wagged his finger at me. “Yes, yes,” he said. “The Zombie Pope came to your trial, which went quite poorly for you. And then your little white dog destroyed the jail, and you got sent to Hell!”

  I nodded. “You have a good memory for an old goat.”

  “Memory, nothing,” he exclaimed. “That was the talk of the town for at least half a century. That is, until we heard about your business with Persephone . . .” He bleated frantically and jumped out of the wagon, looking at the ground and the sky for who knows what. All I could smell was the sea air and a hint of fire and brimstone wafting to us from down the road. I frowned, wondering if the Lord of Darkness had forgotten about my dalliance with his ex-wife.

  “He is going to kill you!” Cabernet screamed, dancing around on his shaky cloven hooves and wringing his hands in exasperation. “Really, really kill you. Probably in a way that no mortal, immortal, or god has even thought of yet.”

  That would be a no, apparently. “Cabernet, come on. You are overreacting,” I said. “You don’t really know that, do you? Well, do you?”

  Cabernet put a hand on his chest and looked away to compose himself. “Yes, as a matter of fact I do,” he said. “A demon creature of some sort came into my bar and, after a few too many drinks, began rambling something about putting a mark on a vampire for the Lord of Darkness.”

  “A vampire,” I said. “He could mean any vampire in the world. How do you know he meant me?”

  “A vampire that had the stupidity to sleep with the Lord of Darkness’s ex.”

  “Oh, that is me,” I said. There was nothing I could do about that little tidbit of information, assuming it was true and not the idle ramblings of some drunken demon. I had other tasks at hand, and I needed Cabernet’s help to do them. “But I can’t do anything about that now,” I said. It is not like I could have a heart-to-heart with the Lord of Darkness, what with him not having a heart. “I need you to get me inside the IDC and to Justice’s office.”

  “I thought you were already divorced,” Cabernet said, confused.

  “It’s a different girl,” I said. “At least the children that I am planning on fighting for are actually mine.”

  “You don’t learn, do you?” Cabernet asked, an amused look forming on his long face. “You could be part satyr since you are so prolific.”

  I sighed deeply. Maybe Harvis was right about me being catnip. “Apparently not,” I said. “And I am nothing but pure vampire.” I bared my fangs for effect, and Cabernet took a few steps back nervously. “Now will you help me?” I pleaded.

  “He is going to have my hooves,” Cabernet protested, climbing back on the wagon. “The faeries are going to get you anyway, unless . . .”

  “Unless what?” I asked the old goat.

  “That must have been what he was talking about,” said Cabernet, scurrying to the back of the wagon, where three large barrels were stacked.

  “What was who talking about, Cabernet?” I asked, climbing to the back of the wagon to meet him.

  Cabernet popped off the top of one of the barrels. The aroma of wine drifted to me. “Do you know a fellow by the name of Hedley Edrick?” he asked.

  “I am starting to think that everyone does,” I said. “Why?”

  Cabernet gestured at the barrel of wine. “He said I needed to take this wine to the Golden Rule, and that it would help protect someone from being discovered by the faeries. I guess that someone is you, huh?”

  “Do you have a goblet?” I asked.

  Cabernet shook his head. “You could drink the whole barrel, but the faeries would still see you. Get in the barrel. The wine will keep you from being discovered. It is the only way to get through the gate. I will put your gold in the other barrel. When you hear the faeries at the gate, dunk underneath and hold your breath.”

  “So what is in the third barrel?” I asked.

  Cabernet shrugged. “Don’t know. He didn’t tell me, and I didn’t ask. It is going to the Golden Rule just like Hedley Edrick asked. You ready?”

  I stepped into the wine barrel clothes and all, and dipped myself down. When my body went into the wine, the level rose perfectly to a few inches below the top of the barrel, leaving just enough room for me to breathe. Cabernet put the top back on, and I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing. The wagon lurched forward, and I got a mouthful of wine for my troubles. Though it was quite tasty, I focused on staying quiet and keeping calm, for the gates to Immortal Divorce Court were just a few minutes down the road.

  “Once you hear them, hold your breath,” Cabernet said again, “and I will get you to Justice’s office.”

  Cabernet’s horse maintained its deliberate pace, and I hoped we would get through the gate without any trouble. But one particular ornery faerie must have felt something odd as Cabernet passed through the gate. “Stop,” he commanded. “What do you have there, you old goat?”

  Cabernet slowed the wagon to a halt. “Wine for the inn,” he replied.

  The faerie came up to the wagon and sniffed around. Right before I dunked down in the wine, I heard him say, “What is that smell?”

  I waited to feel the wagon move, but felt nothing. I waited for the lid to the barrel to come off, and a spear or two to be thrust into my hiding place. But nothing pierced my vampire hide, and slowly the wagon came back up to speed and passed through the gate. I waited as long as I could and surfaced slowly, breathing in the stale air of the barrel with great difficulty. Finally, we lurched to a stop, earning me another mouthful of the wine, and the top of the barrel came off. I rose out of the barrel, and found myself looking at Maximillian Justice.

  “Sinister,” he said, puffing on a long cigar. “It has not been long enough since I have seen your face. I hear you have been one busy vampire. Persephone? Really? Talk about having a death wish. But at least you actually had issue of your own this time. Nice work.”<
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  I stepped out of the barrel and realized we were standing in one of the outbuildings attached to his office. “I need your help,” I said. “I have to get my children back.”

  Justice continued chomping on his cigar and spat on the ground next to me. “I wouldn’t represent you for a whole chest of Spanish gold after that last fiasco.”

  I motioned to the barrel containing my gold. “Well, I have two chests of Spanish gold stowed in there,” I said. “Will that work?”

  Justice smiled, and golden sparks shot from his teeth. “Of course,” he said. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”

  Chapter 14

  It was like a bad dream, finding myself back in Justice’s office, although gone were the stacks and stacks of dusty law tomes along with any traces of dust and rubbish whatsoever. I sat down on a chair so clean I could have eaten off it, and looked to Justice’s desk where every quill, parchment, and file had its place. The claws on the dragon’s legs that served as the supports to his desk glinted evilly, looking razor sharp and newly honed. I took a second look at Justice and noted his fiery hair was also in place, and his robes had no evidence of wine stains, food, or other detritus. He flipped open a book as old as he was, and strangely no dust welled up in a great storm of neglect.

  Behind me I heard a flitter of activity, and into the room fluttered two angelic beauties flying on gossamer wings that sprouted from their shoulder blades and sparkled iridescently. The one flying closer to me had skin as dark as the night with flecks of shimmery gold in it, and she wore nothing but a single black pearl pinned in hair that was pure sunshine. That same lustrous hair crowned her womanhood, and her breasts were tipped with nipples of the softest honey. Her eyes were almond pools of bronze, and her cheekbones were high and regal, and she flashed a smile of approval from behind soft golden lips as she saw my jaw had dropped, and I was staring at her with my mouth wide open.

  Her companion had skin the color of liquid sunshine with flecks of diamonds running through it, and she wore only a single diamond that glinted like a small sun in her hair, which sparkled like a rainbow, all colors and none at the same time. She blew a kiss to me with lips that shimmered in the light along with her nipples, which made for a delightfully dizzying effect, to say nothing of her womanhood that was framed by that same eye-catching rainbow hair that surely would drive any self-respecting leprechaun wild with passion.

  Justice seemed oblivious to the two enchanting creatures as they replaced books on the shelves that spanned floor to ceiling in Justice’s office, and snared every stray mote of dust that dared invade this hallowed space. I could not take my eyes off these lovely helpers of Justice. I strained my ears. Did I hear harp music playing? From time to time, they each met my gaze with coy looks and smiles of their own, and when their work was complete, they fluttered down to my side. I kept looking from one incomparable creature to the other, unable to decide which one I fancied the most. They smelled of fresh flowers and honey, and began running their fingers through my hair, and rubbing my shoulders. I closed my eyes and thought of the many naughty deeds I could do with these creatures.

  “Sinister!” Justice shouted, snapping his fingers in front of my face, breaking my trance.

  My eyes snapped open to see a slightly bemused Justice staring at me. I motioned with my head to either side ever so slightly as to not interfere with the treatment I was receiving from his helpers. “Aren’t you going to introduce me?” I asked.

  “They are my research assistants, Wisdom and Knowledge,” he answered. “And they are quite capable of introducing themselves.”

  A small black hand with perfect tawny nails reached out and turned my face toward its owner. I was instantly lost in those gleaming eyes. “I am Wisdom,” she said, her voice clear and strong.

  Her companion touched my arm, and I turned to find myself staring directly at her rainbow-hued womanhood. She laughed and settled into my lap. “I am Knowledge,” she giggled. Wisdom soon joined her, and they began rubbing their faces against mine.

  “Well, you have certainly improved your customer service,” I said to Justice. “What made you get some helpers? I sure wish they were here last time.”

  “You are such an idiot,” he replied. “You have met these ladies.” I scoffed at him. Like I would have forgotten these beauties? Was he kidding me? Wisdom turned my face to her and licked my lips ever so lightly with her long golden tongue. I gasped—what that tongue could do. Not to be outdone, Knowledge licked my ear, sending chills up and down my spine.

  Justice shook his head. “You remember my bookworms?” he said. “You know, I am talking about those creepy crawly things that had you jump and scream like a schoolgirl? Well, they are all grown up now.”

  I glanced at their bountiful bosoms and shapely, round posteriors, and could not fathom that these lovely ladies were once . . . worms. “But, those things were just oversized caterpillars.” I said. I looked at Wisdom, who winked back at me and licked me softly on the cheek. She had one incredibly long tongue, I mused. Not that I found that to be a bad thing—on a woman. “Now they are . . . are . . .”

  “Research assistants, law clerks,” Justice said. “But who needs labels? They do whatever I need, and I take care of them.” They flitted over and kissed him on his ears and patted his head lovingly. “Okay, ladies,” he said. “That is it for now, thank you.” We both watched them flutter out of the room. “And they still like you,” Justice said. “What is it about you that makes females just fawn over you?”

  I shrugged. “I guess it’s my blessing and my curse,” I said.

  Justice fixed a steely gaze on me. “That might be the most intelligent thing you have ever said. Now then, let’s talk about your case. I am pretty sure I can prove that you did not abandon that Blackheart bitch, and that she and her ignoramus of a father conspired to trap you in Peel Castle, and that should free you of any financial obligation to her.”

  “Pretty sure?” I asked. “How could there be any doubt?”

  Justice laughed and lit a clove cigarette with his index finger and puffed happily as the smoke twisted upward. “If you haven’t learned anything from your last go round,” he said, “nothing is certain in Immortal Divorce Court but uncertainty.”

  “What about me being able to see the girls?”

  Justice sighed and nodded. “Well, I said I should be able to free you of any financial obligation to the mother of your children,” he said, “and I believe I can. Tomorrow I am going to file all the necessary paperwork on your behalf in Immortal Divorce Court, requesting your case be placed on the emergency docket.”

  “That’s great, thanks,” I replied. “So the emergency docket gets me in court in what . . . four or five days, right?”

  “Try four or five years most likely, by my check of the last court calendar,” he replied.

  “That’s ridiculous!” I spat. “How can the law move that slowly?”

  “We are immortals, so we get a lot of divorces, and thus, the court docket is always full,” Justice replied. “You’ll have to wait your turn like everyone else. Hmm, I can’t even imagine how the mortals feel about their divorce courts, which from what I understand, move as quickly as frozen molasses.”

  “So, they are going to be sixteen years old and a little bit more by the time I even get into court?” I said incredulously. “Is that what you are telling me?”

  “Yes, and if they are still with the Blackhearts as their property, and haven’t been married off for whatever alliances Angus needs to cultivate, I will fight to get you into their lives. But if they are considered legal adults, or have husbands, then you are going to have to track them down and make peace with them all on your own. And I can only imagine what madness and hate the Blackhearts have filled their souls with about their dear old dad.”

  “Maybe Garlic has put in a good word for me,” I said, hoping it was true.

 
; “That is a good point,” Justice said. “That little pup of yours has stayed with them for a reason. A reason we are soon to find out.” He rose to his feet and yawned. “All right then,” he said. “Well, it is to bed for this lawyer, for I will need my rest for filing your paperwork tomorrow.”

  His servant showed me to an impressive room with a massive bed hewn from a single pine tree, draped under a canopy of live greenery that smelled of rosemary and thyme. I spied a porcelain tub steaming with hot, soapy water, and stripped and bathed the wine and dust of many days travel from my body. With a clean body and a clear mind, I settled under the soft down comforter and closed my eyes, hoping to drift off into a sound and restful sleep. I heard the sound of harp music and smelled fresh flowers and honey and felt soft wet kisses on either side of my neck. I opened my eyes slowly and saw that Wisdom and Knowledge had flitted ever so silently into my bed.

  “Hello, Sirius,” Wisdom said, her golden eyes glinting in the light of the many candles that lit my room. “Maximillian said that you have court tomorrow, and we are to provide whatever support we can.”

  Knowledge shimmied down to the end of the bed, reached under the comforter and began massaging my toes. “The legal research is done,” she said with a dazzling rainbow smile. “Maximillian is ready to win your case for you.”

  Wisdom nodded, rubbing her fingers through my chest hair, stopping at my nipple to caress it ever so lightly. “Knowledge and I sometimes cannot agree on the best way to solve a problem,” she said, pulling the comforter down.