Alien Superstar

by Henry Winkler

  Duane took his place in front of a bank of five TV monitors that showed what each camera was recording. A hush fell over the soundstage, broken only by Duane’s voice shouting loud and clear.

  “And . . . Action!”

  11

  THE ODDBALL ACADEMY

  EPISODE #37 – ODDBALL FROM OUTER SPACE FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT

  INT. CAFETERIA – DAY

  Cassidy, Ulysses, and Tyler are sitting at a cafeteria table, their trays in front of them, surrounded by the other Oddball students. Buddy enters through the cafeteria door and stands there tentatively, trying to figure out how to get his lunch. Martha enters from the hall, strikes a pose, and bursts into song.

  MARTHA

  (singing)

  Hello and welcome

  Come in, be near

  New alien kid

  So glad you’re here.

  TYLER

  Put a sock in it, Martha. My ears need a break.

  This isn’t Broadway, it’s a flip-pin’ school cafeteria.

  CASSIDY

  (to Buddy)

  Just ignore Tyler. He thinks he’s better than all of us.

  TYLER

  It’s tough being the only normal one in the nutball factory.

  ULYSSES

  Lay off, Ego Man. We’re not nut-balls, we’re dreamers, like the great Beatle John Lennon.

  (switching to a John Lennon Liverpool accent) “You may say I’m a dreamer . . .”

  TYLER

  You’re not a dreamer, you’re a nightmare.

  CASSIDY

  Bring your tray over here, space guy. You’re one of us now.

  MARTHA

  I was in a play once about an alien.

  I played his mutant musical child.

  TYLER

  That wouldn’t take a lot of acting.

  MARTHA

  The critics said it was a career-defining performance.

  Buddy the Alien has found a tray and carries it over to the table and sits down with the others. He picks up his fork and gobbles down the food on the tray.

  CASSIDY

  So, Buddy, tell us about life on your planet. I’ve never met an extraterrestrial.

  TYLER

  Except Ulysses.

  ULYSSES

  Yup, I’ve spent some time on the moon. Have you?

  (whips out a space helmet and breaks into Neil Armstrong)

  “One small step for man, one giant step for mankind.”

  TYLER

  It’s outbursts like that that make me count the days until spring break when I can take me and my abs to the beach.

  (pause for screams from the audience)

  My pecs will be there too, lookin’ sharp as usual.

  CASSIDY

  I see your abs taking a face-plant off a surfboard. Oops, I see a booger hanging from your nose too.

  Watch out for that.

  Cassidy, Martha, and Buddy and the rest of the kids laugh. Cassidy turns to Buddy.

  CASSIDY

  Tell us about life on your planet.

  BUDDY THE ALIEN

  Well, on my planet we have 74 moons. All the movie theaters are on Moon 33. Moon 11 is the mall planet where we hang out and drink tungsten smoothies. You glow for five or six minutes afterward.

  CASSIDY

  Cool.

  As the alien continues to describe life on his planet, all the kids get absorbed in his stories, nodding enthusiastically.

  CUT TO:

  12

  That’s the way the scene was written in the script, and that’s way it was supposed to happen in front of the audience. But things didn’t quite work out that way.

  The taping started out perfectly. The audience was quiet in the bleachers. From the corner of my eye, I could see Luis climbing over some people to get a seat in the third row. He gave me a nod of the head, and although I couldn’t wave, I did blink rapidly at him.

  Duane yelled, “ACTION!” and we began. The audience gasped in surprise when I made my entrance into the cafeteria. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing, but it sure felt good. Without anyone noticing, I used eyeballs three and four to snap a wide-angle picture of the audience and stored it in the photo-album section of my brain. I wanted more than anything to send it to Grandma Wrinkle. It would have made her so happy. But at least I had the picture saved for when I see her again. If I ever see her again.

  Martha burst into the doorway and belted out her musical welcome, and the audience applauded. So did I. Apparently, that’s not okay if you’re one of the actors. There’s a thing called staying in character, where you are supposed to always act like the character you’re playing in the show. Applauding for Martha was a big no-no, as I found out when I looked over at Duane behind the monitors and he was giving me the cut-it-out sign, wildly waving his hand across his neck.

  I tried to stay in character for the rest of the show and did a good job until Ulysses started his John Lennon impression. Grandma Wrinkle and I had watched all the Beatles concerts in her underground cave, and we loved their music.

  “Wow, Ulysses, you sound just like John Lennon,” I blurted out. “That was even better than in rehearsal.”

  “Cut! Cut! Cut!” I heard Duane yell as he shot across the set and stomped up to me. He got close to my face, whispering to me with his back to the audience.

  “There’s a little thing called a script,” he said angrily. “Stick to it.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  “Just make sure it doesn’t come over you again.”

  As Duane took his place behind the monitors, Tyler threw me the most unfriendly look in the world. Imagine how your face would look if you sucked on a whole lemon, pits and all. Then multiply that times two hundred.

  “Buddy, you have to concentrate,” Cassidy said. “I saw you in rehearsal. You can do this.”

  “No he can’t,” Tyler said. “He’s a loser.”

  We started the scene again. This time, I managed to be quiet.

  While Tyler was doing his abs monologue, I used the time to dig into the lunch on the tray in front of me. The food actually smelled good. My sensory enhancer thought so too. I could feel it trying to sneak around my body to get a better whiff. I thought actually eating food would add reality to my performance, so I picked up the knife and fork and started to eat everything on the tray. My lips smacked as I gummed the food and the metal utensils clanked against the china plate on the tray.

  I thought it was good that I was making noise, that it added an authentic lunchroom sound. Tyler didn’t share my opinion, especially when I dropped my fork right over his line about his lookin’-sharp pecs. The girls in the audience had been screaming as he flaunted his muscular frame, but when my fork bounced on the floor, they all burst out laughing.

  “Duane!” Tyler shouted. “I cannot work like this. You’ve got to do something.”

  “Cut!” Duane yelled, pulling off his headset and striding over to me again. The camera operators took off their headsets too and hung them on their cameras, which told me that this conversation might go on longer than the last one.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” Duane said to me.

  “Making lunchroom sounds. I was immersing myself in the scene.”

  “You never make noise when another actor is talking. It’s one of the cardinal rules.”

  “I thought it added flavor to the scene.”

  “Buddy, do me a favor. Don’t think. Don’t ever think. Just do.”

  Duane went over to calm Tyler down, and while they were talking, I took the opportunity to apologize to the audience.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said to the people in the bleachers, glancing over to Luis as I spoke. “I’m brand-new at this and I’m trying as hard as I can. My little alien heart says thank you for your human understanding.”

  The whole crowd seemed to say “Awwww” in one sweet voice.

  “I would come thank you personally,” I went on, “b
ut my suction cups are stuck to the ground.”

  The “Awwwww” turned into applause and laughter. I looked over at Luis, and he gave me a thumbs-up. Tyler, on the other hand, was a big thumbs-down. His eyes flashed with anger.

  “I know you’re here to see me,” he said to the audience, “and I got a lot of good stuff coming up. Just hang in there.”

  Everyone got back into position, and Duane yelled, “Let’s see if we can get this right. Action!”

  Tyler delivered his speech with a lot of confidence, and as he got up from the table to leave the cafeteria, he stood onstage an extra few seconds to make sure the audience got a good look at his handsome self. You could tell he was loving being the center of attention. I had to admit, this guy did have a star quality.

  My stomach, however, disagreed. As did my sensory enhancer.

  I don’t know if it was the garlic bread at dinner, or the three-bean salad on my tray, but suddenly something exploded inside me. It started with a loud roar, like I had swallowed a grizzly bear standing on its hind legs. Then it turned into a rumble, like a speeding train was racing through my intestines.

  Cassidy, who was sitting next to me at the table, heard the rumble and gave me a shocked look. All I could do was shrug—this was out of my control. The train was pulling out of the station, and I knew it.

  But the train didn’t stop. Quite the opposite.

  A fireball of gas, which felt equal to the size of one of Jupiter’s moons, shot out of my sensory enhancer and exploded into the air. It was so powerful, it lifted me off my chair. It was followed by a second burst that shot out in Tyler’s direction and knocked him right off his feet. I won’t get too deep into the odor here, but I will tell you that everyone on that set could have used a gas mask.

  The audience’s response was immediate. They screamed and laughed, pointing at my sensory enhancer, which seemed quite pleased with itself. I have never heard such laughter in my life. There were hoots, giggles, seal snorts, cackles, guffaws, and high-pitched hyena sounds. People couldn’t control themselves. The laughter was contagious and seemed to go on for minutes. Duane looked surprised, and I thought he would say cut, but he didn’t. He was laughing too.

  Tyler glared at Duane.

  “Are you going to let this happen?” he demanded.

  “We’re doing a comedy here, and they’re laughing,” Duane said with a shrug.

  “Fine,” Tyler said, running off the set in humiliation. “I’ll be in my dressing room deodorizing.”

  My sensory enhancer, now relieved of its gassy buildup, took a single bow and then slid back to its position along my spine.

  “Stay put,” I whispered to it. “You’re hogging the scene.”

  “Okay, people,” Duane called out. “Let’s move on to the next scene. Everyone who has a change of costume, go do it now. No dawdling. We’ll meet on the classroom set in five minutes.”

  A comedian who had been hired to keep the audience’s energy up was handing out candy and tee shirts and telling jokes. As the cast left to go backstage, I reluctantly edged over to Duane.

  “I’m sorry that I ruined the scene,” I said. “But my stomach and I were having an argument, and it won.”

  “The audience seems to be connecting with you, Buddy. Keep it up. And by the way, next time have Mary get you some breath mints.”

  “Oh, it must have been that delicious garlic bread.”

  “Smells like you ate the whole loaf.”

  My ears felt like they were on fire. He had said “next time.” Did that mean they were going to ask me back to do more episodes? No, that was way too much to expect. Maybe the garlic had affected my brain too.

  On the other hand, maybe he did mean there would be a next time. Just the thought of that filled me with enough confidence to do the rest of the show with total energy and focus. And boy did I have fun. My sensory enhancer did too. During the scene where Cassidy channels a rock star and plays air guitar, my sensory enhancer really let loose, spinning wildly to the beat. I had to grab it and wrestle it down my back, or it would have danced all night long.

  When the show ended, we ran off the stage and the audience clapped and screamed.

  “What happens now?” I asked Cassidy.

  “This is the best part,” she said. “It’s the curtain call. That’s when they introduce each one of us to the audience and we come out and take a bow. You better go take your costume off so they can see what you really look like.”

  “This is what I really look like,” I started to say, but immediately caught myself. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

  I hurried to my little cubicle of a dressing room and grabbed the amulet from around my neck.

  “Be Zane now,” I chanted to myself. “Be Zane now. And hurry up about it.”

  I must have been still really focused from the show, because my transformation into Zane happened almost instantly. I felt the electrical buzz under my skin, then became aware of thick hair sprouting from my head. I enjoyed the feeling of the human skin encircling my body. My sensory enhancer was tired from its wild dancing. I thought I heard it let out a little snore.

  “Buddy, hurry up,” Cassidy called from outside my door. “Everybody’s waiting.”

  I pulled on my clothes and flung open the door.

  “Do I look okay?” I asked Cassidy, giving a quick check to make sure the transformation had gone all the way down to my feet.

  “You look great,” she answered. “I mean, really great.” She took my hand and led me back to the stage. We found our place in the cast line and waited for our names to be called. Duane was standing in front of the audience, holding a microphone.

  “Let’s hear it for Tyler Stone,” Duane said. “Tyler, come out and take bow.”

  Tyler sauntered out and took center stage. The girls screamed and chanted, “We love you, Tyler” over and over.

  “Love you back,” he said, flashing them his most flirty grin. After standing there for what seemed like forever, he finally moved to the side of the stage to make room for the rest of the cast.

  “Now let’s make some noise for his costar, Cassidy Cambridge,” Duane said.

  Cassidy ran out and curtsied, waving to everybody and blowing kisses into the audience.

  I noticed a woman with bright yellow hair standing off to the side wearing a lot of gold jewelry. She clapped the loudest and yelled Cassidy’s name, then put two fingers in her mouth and whistled. When Cassidy went to join Tyler, the woman shouted at her.

  “Don’t stand so close to him,” she yelled. “He’s blocking you. Own that stage, Cassidy. It’s yours.”

  Cassidy glanced at her and mouthed, Mom, not now.

  The audience continued to applaud when Martha and Ulysses got introduced. Martha sang her thank-you, and Ulysses raised one side of his upper lip and said, “Elvis has left the building, but I’m here to say, ‘Thank you, thank you very much.’” He had an accent and sounded just like the Elvis Grandma Wrinkle and I had seen in the movies.

  Then it was my turn. I wondered if the audience was going to forgive me for all of my mistakes. It would be so embarrassing if Luis were the only one applauding.

  “And now let’s hear it for our guest star. Playing the alien . . . Buddy Burger.”

  I stepped out and faced the audience. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to tie my sneakers, and when I took a step forward, I tripped over my shoelace and fell flat on my face. Apparently, earthlings find falling down funny, because the audience burst into gales of laughter. Quickly, I pulled myself up and took a bow. It took a minute for me to register what happened next. As a single unit, the entire audience shot to their feet and started screaming.

  “You’re totally hot!” a girl in the front row shouted.

  “And funny,” a guy in back of her yelled.

  They clapped, whistled, and stomped their feet on the bleachers. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say they liked me. Not to brag or anything, but you could even say they loved me. I felt it
right down to my alien core. It was the best moment of my life. Even when I joined the rest of the cast, the audience didn’t stop clapping.

  “Buddy!” they called out. “We want more Buddy!”

  Duane motioned for me to come back to center stage and take another bow. As I stood there basking in the applause, I suddenly felt an arm around my shoulder. I turned to see Tyler, giving me a big grin.

  “Isn’t he something?” he yelled to the audience. “Show him some love.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears. Tyler was going to be my friend after all. It just took a while to win him over.

  “Thanks, Ty,” I said. “This is so nice of you.”

  Tyler smiled at the audience, and over their cheers they couldn’t hear what he whispered to me.

  “Enjoy your moment in the spotlight, you alien freak,” he said, “because you’re never going to see this stage again.”

  13

  I stood alone on the dark soundstage after the audience left, trying to absorb what had just happened to me. It was like a dream—only it was real. Ever since I could remember, Grandma Wrinkle and I had imagined what it would be like to be part of something so wonderful, to live in a world filled with creativity and imagination. And now here I was, smack-dab in the middle of this amazing world. If only I could have shared it with Grandma Wrinkle. I imagined seeing her six eyes rotating to the front of her head and welling up with tears as they gazed at me. I could almost feel her long spiny fingers rubbing my bald, bumpy head.

  On the stage, the camera operators were covering their cameras with protective tarps, the prop master was boxing up all the loose items like dishes and lunch trays from the cafeteria set, and the sound team was disconnecting microphones from the boom arms overhead. As the crew went about their business, almost every one of them stopped to give me a compliment.

  “Nice job, kid.”