Alien Superstar

by Henry Winkler

  “If you are watching this,” she said, just as she had said the first time I played that hologram, “then I know your journey is complete and you have arrived safely.”

  “Who is that old woman?” Cassidy asked softly.

  “My grandmother,” I said, tears forming in four of my six eyes.

  “You must really miss her,” Cassidy said.

  “She is the most important person in my life. She sacrificed so much for me. She may be in terrible danger at this very minute.”

  “I’m so sorry, Buddy,” Cassidy said. “You’ll see her again. I know you will.”

  I shook my head. I didn’t see how that was possible.

  “I feel so far away and alone,” I said, tears flowing from all six of my eyes now.

  “You’re not alone,” Cassidy said, taking my spiny hand in hers. “You have me.”

  We sat there, listening to Grandma Wrinkle speak. At the sound of her voice, my sensory enhancer came alive and reached out to her, making kissing sounds. I felt the same way. I wanted to throw my arms around her and hold on to her forever. But I knew she wasn’t really there, that she was just a hollow image made of nothing but beams of fleeting light.

  20

  The nutritional wafer gave me enough energy to make it through the rest of the day. When we got home from my spaceship, I transformed back into Zane Tracy because once Eloise got used to seeing me in “my costume,” she kept asking me to rotate my eyes, which was really annoying.

  “Put your cool costume back on,” she said. “I want to see you do that buggy-eye trick again.”

  “We have important grown-up stuff to do here,” Cassidy told her. “You’re bothering us.”

  “All you’re doing is staring at that cookie,” Eloise said. “What’s so grown-up about that?”

  We had sat down at the kitchen table with the remainder of the nutritional wafer in front of us. Cassidy kept it close to her for fear I was going to grab it and scarf it down, which I was very tempted to do.

  “Eloise,” Cassidy said, “be a good girl and go get the magnifying glass from the drawer in Dad’s desk.”

  “I wish Dad were here so he could get it himself,” Eloise said.

  I felt so bad for her that I decided next time I transformed I would give her a real treat and show her everything my eyes can do. Not only do they rotate around my head, but the actual eyeballs can spin inside their sockets. I hoped that would cheer her up.

  Cassidy broke off a tiny piece of the wafer and held it up to the light.

  “What do you see?” I asked.

  “Brown junk.”

  “That’s not a very scientific analysis.”

  “Okay,” Cassidy said. “Brown molecules. Is that better?”

  Eloise returned with the magnifying glass, and Cassidy and I inspected the piece of the wafer. All the magnifying glass did was make the little piece bigger, but it didn’t show us any of the ingredients.

  “I’m going in for a taste,” Cassidy said. “Maybe I can identify what’s in it. You don’t think this is going to make me grow six eyes, do you?”

  “That would really be something to see.”

  “Here goes nothing,” she said. Then she leaned in close to me and whispered, “I’ve never eaten anything from outer space before.”

  She placed a little bit of the wafer on her tongue and closed her eyes.

  “What do you taste?” I asked.

  “It’s strange. I know the human tongue has over eight thousand taste buds, but not one of mine is reporting in. It isn’t sour or sweet or salty or bitter. It tastes like nothing.”

  “It’s designed that way,” I explained. “The Supreme Leader wants to make sure all our food is tasteless so we never experience joy. He believes joy leads to rebellion.”

  “That’s a cool story,” Eloise said. “Did you just make that up? What happens next?”

  “Next you leave the room,” Cassidy said. “Like right now.”

  “But I want to taste that thing too,” Eloise said, reaching for the wafer. “I have great taste buds.”

  Cassidy practically threw her body on top of the wafer to protect it.

  “You can never touch this,” she said to Eloise. “It’s very special. I’m going to put it in a baggie and hold on to it for safekeeping.”

  “Fine,” Eloise said. “You can keep your brown junk. I’d rather have a tangerine popsicle anyway.”

  She went to the freezer, grabbed a popsicle, and ran off to annoy someone else.

  “Now what?” I asked. “I wish we were on my planet, where we have top scientists like my grandmother who can analyze any problem and come up with a solution.”

  “We have plenty of scientists here on Earth,” Cassidy said. “I just don’t happen to know any. I know art directors and actors and costume designers. The closest person I know to a scientist is Janice, our set teacher. Sometimes we do units on science. Ulysses really loves them, but Tyler hates science because he says it makes his brain hurt.”

  “What brain?” I asked. That made Cassidy laugh.

  We got Janice’s number from the crew list and called her. Cassidy explained that we wanted to do a scientific experiment that analyzed the ingredients in food.

  “Is this your mother trying to get you to count calories again?” Janice asked. “I wish she’d get off your back.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Well, I didn’t mention this,” Janice said, “but last month, your mother ordered a food analysis kit and asked if I could run a test on a diet chocolate pudding. Apparently, you had just discovered it and she didn’t trust the label, which said it was only fifty calories.”

  Cassidy frowned so hard it seemed like her face was shrinking into itself.

  “I can’t believe she did that,” she said softly into the phone.

  “Don’t worry, Cass,” Janice said. “I didn’t do it. I advised her that it’s better for you to eat nutritionally, like your body tells you to.”

  “Wait a minute,” I said to Janice. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but did you say you had a food analysis kit? Do you still have it?”

  “Probably,” she answered. “I tossed it into one of the drawers in my desk.”

  “We need to use it,” I said. “Could you go get it now?”

  Janice laughed. “I love your interest in science, Buddy, but this is Sunday and I’m on my way to the movies. I’ll find it tomorrow.”

  “First thing?” I asked.

  “I promise,” Janice said. “Always happy to help my students explore the world of science. But someone’s going to have to explain to Tyler that this science lesson might require a little thinking. He’s not going to take that well.”

  Cassidy was fuming with anger when we hung up with Janice.

  “Can you believe my mother?” she said. “Checking up on me behind my back.”

  “It’s good that Janice didn’t go along with it,” I said. “I’m sure your mother thinks she’s doing what’s best for you.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe she should consult me on that. It’s my life.”

  I felt so bad for her. I was lucky that Grandma Wrinkle never tried to make me into anything I wasn’t. She always listened to me and tried to help me become a better me.

  “Can I get you a tangerine popsicle?” I offered. That had seemed to cheer Eloise up.

  “That’s sweet, Buddy,” she said. “You’re sweet. At least we understand each other.”

  “We’re a good team,” I agreed.

  “You bet we are,” she said. “Look what we did with Janice. We had a problem and we solved it. I can’t wait for tomorrow, so we can get you fed so you’ll be strong for the red carpet.”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that we hadn’t really solved the problem. At that very minute, the tips of my human toes were starting to shrivel, and I could feel my life force wane again. I wanted to lie down and sleep, but I didn’t dare. My body was telling me that it needed the right nutrition. The clock was ticking
.

  Before bed, I transformed back into my alien self, because I thought being in my natural state might take up less of my life force. I tried soaking in the tub for a few hours, and that helped some, but by morning I was very light-headed as Delores drove us to the studio.

  When we got to Stage 42, Cassidy and I looked around for Janice, but she wasn’t there yet. Duane said she had called in to say she’d be late because of car trouble.

  “Exactly how late?” I demanded. There was an unpleasant urgency in my voice, which I couldn’t mask.

  “Easy does it, Buddy,” Duane snapped. “Janice doesn’t work for you.”

  “I didn’t mean to be rude,” I said. “It’s just that I’m dying to get some science information and my quest for knowledge is in high gear.”

  “Typical,” Tyler grunted. “Goes along with the rest of your nerdy self. By the way, why’d you wear your costume to work?”

  I didn’t have a ready answer, but Cassidy stepped in to help me out.

  “Buddy wants to stay in character as much as possible,” she said. “It’s called acting, Tyler. You should try it.”

  As we gathered for the table read to go over the new script, Ulysses congratulated me on all the attention I had gotten over the weekend and Martha sang me a wonderful song called “Celebration.” Tyler stood sullenly by, just watching. While everyone was getting seated, he swaggered up to me and whispered in my ear.

  “Hey, runt, if I were you, which I’m glad I’m not, I’d be careful of social media. It’s easy to become the flavor of the day. The real test is if you’re still popular a few weeks from now.”

  I didn’t have the energy to come up with a response, so I just nodded and thanked him for the advice.

  “It’s not advice, doof,” he said. “It’s a warning. I’ll still be standing when you’re down for the count. You can trust me on that.”

  “Good morning, everyone,” Duane began as we settled in around the table. “We are happy to welcome our newest permanent cast member, Buddy Burger. Buddy, you created quite a stir this weekend. I think you’re going to be really good for our show.”

  Everyone cheered and applauded. Everyone, that is, but a certain dark-haired, handsome teen idol named Tyler Stone.

  “In this week’s episode, we learn that Buddy’s alien intelligence wins him a scholarship to Oddball Academy,” Duane said. “I’m going to need everyone’s cooperation in rehearsal because we have a short day today. You all know that the network is throwing us a red carpet party tonight on the back lot just before the show airs. It’s in Buddy’s honor. What do you think of that, Buddy?”

  “Actually, my favorite color is yellow,” I said. “Can they make it a yellow carpet?”

  Everyone laughed, which I didn’t understand until Cassidy tugged on my arm and whispered to me. “It’s a red carpet event. With photographers and press and fans all lining up to get a look at you. You’re going to get to walk the red carpet, every TV star’s dream.”

  As I listened to her explanation, I felt my head spin, and then the whole world flipped upside down. Was that nerves from the realization that all the human world would be watching me on the red carpet? Or was my life force dipping even lower? Janice still hadn’t shown up, and my need for food was getting urgent. If I didn’t get some nutrition soon, the only place I was going to be walking was into a hospital. Or worse.

  Maybe water would help. In desperation, I picked up my glass of water on the table and drank it down. Then I reached for Cassidy’s and drank that too. Martha offered me hers, and so did Ulysses. I finished theirs in two gulps. Tyler stared at me suspiciously.

  “You must be half camel,” he said.

  “Actually, he’s the opposite of a camel,” Ulysses said. “Camels don’t need water. They can survive for six months in the desert.”

  “Where’d you learn that?” Tyler said.

  “It’s a little thing called a book,” Ulysses answered.

  “You might try opening one sometime,” Martha added. Then she and Ulysses high-fived each other while Tyler just sneered at them. They seemed like such good friends, and I liked them a lot.

  “Enough of this chitchat, kids,” Duane said. “Let’s get started. Everyone please turn to page one, Interior Oddball Academy cafeteria.”

  I held the script up to my forehead to memorize it. I could feel that the words on the page were not flowing into me. It was as if a guard were standing at the entrance to my brain with a DO NOT ENTER sign.

  We began the script reading. With the help of six more glasses of water, I was able to stumble through it. Mary brought me my own pitcher of water.

  “Here you go, honey,” she said. “You seem parched. Nerves will do that to you. You don’t want to get cotton mouth.”

  Duane took notes as we read the script, giving occasional suggestions for line readings. About halfway through, there was a really funny scene in the cafeteria where Ulysses is talking as Albert Einstein.

  “Even zo I am zee greatest scientist to ever live,” he said, “and have solved all zee unsolvable mysteries of zee universe, I cannot for mine life figure out what is zis mystery meat zey are serving today in zee cafeteria.”

  Everyone laughed at his Albert Einstein accent, including Ulysses himself. The laughter was so loud that no one noticed when Duane’s phone started to buzz with a text. No one but me, that is.

  Duane looked at the screen.

  “Sorry to interrupt the fun,” he said, “but I have to answer this message. It’s Janice, and she says she’s got a problem.”

  He got up and left the table.

  I never took my eyes off him as he read the message on his phone. If Janice had a problem, then I did too.

  21

  When Duane returned to the table reading, he said nothing about the text from Janice. The minute we had finished the script, I practically flew over to him.

  “What did Janice say?” I asked him.

  “Busted fan belt.”

  “Is that anything like an asteroid belt?”

  Duane put his arm around my shoulders and gave me a serious look.

  “Let me give you a tip, Buddy. If you keep insisting on staying in this alien character, you’re going to burn yourself out, not to mention annoy all your fellow castmates. A little bit of alien goes a long way.”

  “Okay. But can you just tell me how long it takes to fix a busted fan belt?”

  “Depends if they have the right one in stock,” he said. “Oh, she said to tell you that what you’re looking for is in the bottom drawer of her desk.”

  I whipped around and headed to the back of the sound-stage where Janice had a desk and some tables and chairs set up as our informal classroom.

  “Not so fast,” Duane called after me. “I need you onstage to rehearse. You’re in the opening scene. Cassidy’s waiting for you on the cafeteria set.”

  “But this isn’t a good time for me,” I protested.

  Tyler had overheard the conversation.

  “What’d I tell you, Duane?” he said. “Give this no-talent one little break, and he’s already got a star attitude.” Then, turning to me, he said, “On set, we do what the director says, doof. You better get that through your bald alien head.”

  I managed to get through the rehearsal of the opening scene, although I did bump into every piece of furniture on the set. Cassidy was really helpful. She could see I was struggling, and every time I lost my balance, she’d reach out to steady me.

  “Hang in there, Buddy,” she whispered. “Just a few more minutes.”

  Luckily, neither of us was in the next scene, so we were free to go. We raced to the classroom, and I pulled open the bottom drawer of Janice’s desk. I didn’t find anything that looked like a food analysis kit.

  “She said it was in the bottom drawer,” I said as I continued to rummage around.

  “Here, let me look.” Cassidy pushed me aside, which wasn’t hard to do because my suction cups didn’t have much grip left in them. Movin
g a stack of index cards, Cassidy pulled out a cardboard box that said FOOD ANALYSIS KIT.

  “It was right here all along, Buddy.”

  That was alarming. I had looked directly at it and not seen it. My eyes, at least several of them, were failing.

  We sat down at the table and opened the box. It contained about thirty glass vials, fifteen dropper bottles with different-colored solutions, and an instruction manual.

  “Here,” Cassidy said, handing me the manual. “Put this up to your forehead and absorb it. Tell me what it says.”

  I held the manual to my forehead, but once again, the information was having trouble getting through. Words were coming in, but not in the right order—sugar, lipids, analytical methods, amino acids. None of it made sense to me.

  “We’re running out of time,” I said. “We’ll just have to figure this out on our own.”

  “It seems pretty logical,” Cassidy said. “We put a little bit of the wafer into each of these glass vials. Then we put drops of all the different solutions into each vial. Let’s get a knife and cut the wafer up.”

  There was no need for a knife. My fingernails, which hadn’t been trimmed in two days and had grown out of control, were sharper than knives. I broke off little pieces of wafer and Cassidy put one piece in each vial with several drops of solution.

  Then we waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing happened. We just stared at those little glass vials. I was concentrating so hard on the vials that I nearly jumped ten feet in the air when Jules the stage manager appeared and touched my shoulder.

  “Buddy, Duane needs you for the next scene,” he said.

  “Could you tell him I’m really busy?” I asked.

  “Sure, I can tell him that,” Jules said. “And then I can pack my things because I’ll be fired.”

  “You go,” Cassidy said to me. “I’ll stay here and watch these. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

  I followed Jules to the set, but my mind stayed with the vials. The scene we were rehearsing was when Tyler discovers that he and the alien are going to be roommates.