Hidden Desires

by Laurie Ames

  Elaine had turned and bent down at the water fountain, trying hard to hide her face. She knew from hearing other girls talk at sleepovers about the cute guys and who they wanted to date. There were guys all the girls swooned over and many friendships ended in a fit of jealousy if a popular boy was paying too much attention to only one girl. It had been hard for Elaine to keep track of who was dating when really, she hadn't been interested in any of the boys.

  Elaine knew, without a doubt, that if she had let Tiffany see her staring or if the other girls had guessed how Elaine was feeling, then it would have been all over for her. She would never have been able to make the teasing stop. So instead, she tried her best to act cool and nonchalant, while keeping her secret attraction to girls pushed deep down inside.

  Then, the moment had passed. Tiffany had swept past her, paying her no attention. She was, as always, surrounded by a group of other girls and Elaine had overheard snippets of their conversation.

  "Oh my God, Ella," Tiffany had said to the mousy, brown-haired girl to her right. "Did you see how Brittany was looking at me?" Brittany was one of the less popular girls. "She was so totally jealous of me because I'm dating Tom and she’s had a crush on him since third grade."

  The other girls giggled nervously as Tiffany rolled her eyes and continued talking but the conversation faded as the girls continued down the hallway leaving Elaine gulping water at the fountain. She hoped and prayed that her attraction to Tiffany hadn't been noticed.

  She had been successful. Apparently, Elaine had said and done all the right things that day and throughout the rest of middle and high school. She had been careful never to mention her attraction to other girls and had even managed to date a guy through middle and high school. He had been a tall, gangly boy named Christopher who was two years older and a foot taller than Elaine. They had gone to homecoming dances and prom and she tried to politely enjoy the way he groped and kissed her when they sat in his car after their weekly dates. Her heart hadn't been in it, though.

  She hadn't wanted a boyfriend although he had tried very hard to attract her. He wasn’t aggressive and had been very careful to never go any further than Elaine would allow. She had even managed to work herself up to an orgasm a few times when they had been fooling around. But it wasn't him that she imagined behind her closed eyelids. Whenever she had an orgasm, it was because of her stepsister, Sasha Morrison.

  Sasha… As soon as Elaine thought of her stepsister, she felt anxiety pierce her heart. Sasha had come into Elaine's life thanks to her mother Janine's marriage to Edward Morrison. Janine and Edward had dated and married very quickly. The wedding itself had taken place while Janine and Edward had enjoyed a weekend away. Apparently, according to Janine, the wedding itself had been a spur of the moment thing. Janine had returned from her weekend trip with new rings on her fingers and a new sparkle in her eyes.

  She had quickly packed up the small apartment that she and Elaine were living in and hustled them across town to Edward's house. It wasn't a huge house, but it was bigger than their tiny apartment. On the way over, Janine had chattered on to Elaine about the new living arrangements.

  "You'll be sharing a room with Edward's daughter Sasha. There are two beds in there and it will only be until we get Edward's office fixed up and turned into a room for you. We can move the old stuff out and bring your furniture over from the apartment. It will all work out in the end. You'll love Sasha, honey. She's a really great kid."

  Elaine had sighed and stared out the window as they drove to the house. She had a sinking feeling that she wouldn't like Sasha. Sasha didn't go to the same school as she did, and Elaine had no idea what she was like. She worried that Sasha wouldn't listen to the kind of music she liked or maybe she would think that Elaine was weird. When they arrived at the house, Elaine hopped out of the car and took in her first glance of Sasha.

  Suddenly, for the first time, Elaine understood what the other girls meant when they talked about meeting a boy that they liked. Her stomach quivered and her hands felt so sweaty that her suitcase almost slid from her grasp. She set it down, wiped her palms on her pant legs and picked up her suitcase again. She felt lightheaded and tried to stare down at the ground so that she could get into the house without completely losing her cool.

  Elaine tried to tell herself that this feeling would eventually go away. Surely over time, arguments about where belongings would go and who would be responsible for chores would make her attraction fade away, but that never seemed to quite happen.

  Chapter 2

  __________

  Elaine looked up at the clock and was shocked to see that it was after five. She had intended to get out on time, but she had lost track partially due to her daydreaming. She sighed and piled her files neatly to one side of her desk, making sure to put the one from her hometown on the top. Then, she grabbed her coat and purse and headed out. She passed her assistant's desk and saw that he was still hard at work. She paused for a moment.

  "Devin, thank you for getting all of that information together for me. I wanted to let you know that I appreciate all of your hard work." She smiled down at him. Devin was a good worker and always helped keep Elaine organized and on task. Devin reached down and grabbed a small carefully stacked pile of papers and handed them to Elaine.

  "These are some messages here. Some are from Tom. I'd have given them to you, but you looked like you were really wrapped up in something serious. I'd have sent them to your phone but again, I didn't want to disrupt you." He smiled up at her. Devin knew that Elaine didn't like to have her phone go off while she was reviewing files. It was just one of the many preferences that he was quite willing to work around where she was concerned. It was true that some of her methods were a bit antiquated. After all, who took notes on paper anymore? But Elaine knew how she needed things to be done and Devin was more than happy to work with her despite her quirks.

  Elaine nodded absentmindedly as she leafed through the papers. She noticed that several of them were from Tom about their plans for the evening. According to the notes, he was planning on meeting her at their favorite restaurant, a small French bistro with dim lighting, a gorgeous stone fireplace and food that was worth the steep prices. The reservations were for 7pm and Elaine glanced at her watch. She would have to hurry if she wanted to get home, get changed, and meet Tom on time.

  Traffic was starting to build and the cab she had taken drove much more quickly and skillfully than Elaine could have done. She wasn't a confident driver especially not in heavy traffic. As the driver sped through traffic, Elaine carefully went through the emails that had arrived, skimming over each one and sorting them into their respective files.

  When the driver pulled up in front of her building, Elaine paid the driver, grabbed her things and hopped out. She checked her watch and sprinted into the building. She would still be able to get to the bistro on time assuming that there were no other delays. Luckily, she had already laid out her outfit that morning and getting ready would simply be a matter of throwing it on and touching up her makeup.

  Elaine tossed her purse and briefcase onto a table and headed for the bedroom. In minutes she had stripped off her work outfit and was preparing to put on the little black dress that Tom loved so much. She had worn it many times before but every time she did, he always told her how great she looked. Elaine sat down at her makeup table and began to apply more eye shadow. She sat back and stared at herself in the mirror. While she wasn't one hundred percent happy with what she saw, she knew that she looked good.

  Elaine had long black hair that fell in a thick cascade that ended halfway down her back. No matter what she tried to do, it always remained poker straight. Styling it in anything more than a braid or French twist usually took the talents of a professional. Elaine had pale skin that never seemed to tan or freckle. Her face was delicate with high cheekbones. Her eyes were grey and surrounded by thick alluring black eyelashes.

  She stared at her body, or what she could see of it from her se
ated position. She had small pert breasts that were enrobed in a deep blue lace bra. It had been a Valentine's Day gift from Tom. He wasn't a fan of black lingerie and said that red made her look cheap, but he did love dressing her body in deep, jewel toned lingerie that always seemed to flatter her figure and make her look curvy and more feminine.

  She was grateful for the gym in her building and the elliptical machine that she had stationed in a corner of her living room for keeping her as slender as she was. She often worked long hours and tended to survive on a combination of bad office coffee and bagels from the deli that was just down the street. She hadn't bought groceries in weeks and even when she and Tom were eating in, they tended to rely more on take-out meals than on cooking things from scratch.

  As Elaine applied blush and high liner, she thought about Tom. They had met while she was completing her master’s in human resources. He had been attending the same college but had been working towards a degree in corporate law. They had bonded at the college pub, while debating ethics and legalities over cheap beer and wings. As time had progressed, they had fallen into a comfortable relationship and now after years together, Elaine wondered idly whether Tom would propose to her.

  He had been hinting that he wanted to propose and had even gone so far as to talk about their marriage as though it was a sure thing. He just hadn't put a ring on her finger yet. Elaine's family loved him, and she felt comfortable with Tom's family whenever he had taken her with him during the holidays. Elaine knew that if they got engaged, it would make everyone happy on both sides. Her relatives had started to hint and then ask her outright when she thought he would pop the question.

  Elaine knew that Tom liked her best when she wore very little makeup. "You're beautiful enough without all of that crap on your skin," he would often say to her. She liked that about him. He liked her the way she was and managed to make her feel pretty whether she was dressed to the nines or had thrown on yoga pants and a tee-shirt.

  Elaine stepped into her dress and checked her watch again. She knew she would need to leave soon if she wanted to get to the bistro on time. One thing Tom hated was tardiness and Elaine tried her best never to be late. She grabbed a pair of high heeled shoes and headed for her living room. Her loft was big and airy, and she truly loved the way coming home made her feel. She supposed that her love for the loft had been one reason why she had never pushed the idea of moving in with Tom. If he had asked to move in with her, she supposed she would have agreed but he was equally comfortable in his own loft.

  Elaine sighed. Her place was beautiful. She had a job that paid well enough that she could surround herself with wonderful things. She was even relatively content with the way she looked. She just felt hollow inside. She felt like something was missing and she hoped that if Tom proposed, maybe the empty void in her would feel full. That had to be the missing link, Elaine thought as she slipped on high heels and started the process of changing her wallet, keys and phone from her work bag to one that was suitable for a lovely dinner out.

  Finally, once that was finished, Elaine was ready. She checked her watch again, hit the Uber app on her phone and threw her coat on. Soon enough, she would be on her way to the bistro and, she hoped, her questions about Tom's plans for the future would be cleared up.

  Chapter 3

  __________

  Elaine checked herself in the mirror that was hanging beside her front door. She played with her hair a little, trying to make sure it was perfectly arranged. The app had told her she had a few minutes until her ride arrived. Elaine heard her phone going off in her purse and she dug to pull it out. She half expected that it would be Tom, calling her to ask where she was. Instead of his familiar number, it was one she rarely saw. It was her Aunt Bethany.

  Her aunt never called her. Elaine didn't know that Bethany even had her number. Her correspondence with her aunt was typically limited to a Christmas card once a year and a scant handful of letters, the last of which had arrived a year or more ago. It wasn't that Elaine didn't get along with her family, it was just that they weren't all that close.

  She took the call and put her phone to her ear. "Hello?" As she did, her mind ran over the different reasons why Bethany would have called her. Elaine doubted that there would be anything wrong with her uncle or any of her cousins. If there was, Bethany would simply have called Elaine's mother who would have passed the message on for Bethany. She said a silent prayer that everything was fine with her mother, but her aunt's next words dashed those hopes to pieces.

  "Elaine, I have some bad news. Janine has been sick for a while and we were all hoping that she would shake whatever she had, but it's gotten worse." Her aunt paused, and Elaine felt her knees getting weak. Her mother was sick. Elaine sank down onto an upholstered bench by her front door and tried to figure out what would happen next. "Elaine, she ended up going into the hospital a few days ago. She didn't want us to call you right away, but she's been in for a while now and I think it would be a good idea if you came home to see her." Her aunt paused and Elaine worried about what she would say next. "Elaine, I don't want to make you panic, but you need to come home soon. As soon as possible."

  “How serious is it? What do you know?”

  “Your mother had been feeling weak and run down for a while and had recently ended up with a cough. She was admitted to the hospital after she had started coughing. She has been through a bunch of tests but there are still more to come. They couldn't give me a definite reason why Janine is ill, but they did say that at first glance, it didn't look good. When they told me that, I knew I should call you.”

  Elaine tried to clear the lump in her throat. Her eyes became scratchy and started watering. She coughed twice before answering her aunt. "I understand. I'll call work and clear my schedule. I should be on my way tomorrow but don't expect me to get in until late in the evening." Elaine paused. "Did she.... did my mother change the locks on the house? Do I need you to let me in when I get there?"

  "No, no, everything there is just like you remember it. Your mother didn't change anything. Just come home. Call me when you get into town. Come as soon as you can." Her aunt's voice wavered a little and Elaine felt her stomach drop. Her aunt was always confident and assertive. The nervous tone in Bethany's voice was starting to scare Elaine.

  As Elaine chatted with her Aunt Bethany, she heard her phone's call waiting beep. She took a quick look at the screen. Tom. She silently uttered a curse word. She was late for supper but didn't want to interrupt her aunt, so she let the call go to voice mail.

  Bethany had apologized profusely for not letting Elaine know sooner. "Oh Elaine, I know you would have wanted to be here. Your mother doesn't talk much about her health, though, and none of us thought it was as bad as it was. I know you would have wanted to be here right from the start, but you know how your mother hates to have anyone fussing over her." Elaine had been forced to agree. She knew what her mother was like.

  As soon as Elaine thought she had gotten all the details she needed, she politely ended the call with her aunt and sat in silence for a minute. She looked around at her home and realized that everything in her life had just changed. She tilted her head back and rested it against the wall for a moment while she tried to figure out what to do next. When the world seemed like it was no longer spinning as much as before, she called Tom, her fingers shaking a little as she punched in his cell number.

  He picked up on the first ring. "Elaine! Where are you? I've been waiting at this restaurant for almost an hour now. I think the staff are beginning to think that you stood me up." Elaine heard him chuckling into the phone, no doubt pleased at himself for being witty.

  "Tom, I'm so sorry. I can't meet you for dinner tonight. I didn't mean to stand you up. My ride is likely waiting downstairs for me as we speak. I have to get ready and go out of town right away." Elaine felt a lump rising in her throat. She heard Tom making surprised noises on the other end of the line and she suddenly felt very, very tired.

  "Tom, my mo
ther is sick. She's in the hospital. My aunt just called me tonight. They don't know what's wrong with her, but it sounds bad." She heard Tom mumbling words of condolence and sympathy over the phone. He offered to go with her, which was no surprise, but Elaine realized this was something she had to deal with on her own. It felt right for her to be alone when she returned to the home that she had grown up in.

  "Tom, that's so sweet. I appreciate the offer but right now I don't know what's happening. You should stay here. If anything happens, you'll be the first person I call but right now, it makes more sense for you to stay here." She spent the next few minutes trying to reassure Tom but inside she was screaming for him to get off the phone so she could start her journey home.

  Finally, Elaine managed to get off the phone. She went over to her computer and stared at the screen. Her mind was running in a million different directions. Find a train. Book tickets. Rent a car. Book a hotel. The screen wavered in front of her eyes and Elaine realized that she was crying. She rubbed her eyes and changed her mind about booking a hotel room. Home. She would stay at home. She would stay in the same room that she had shared with Sasha and hoped that doing so would help her get through the horrible days that she knew were coming.

  She remembered one night in particular. She and her mother had been living at Edward's for about a month. It had been going pretty well for the most part. There had been the occasional arguments about who owned what in the room but in general things were pretty friendly. Then, one night, Elaine had walked in the room just before bed and had seen Sasha getting ready for bed. Elaine looked at her and suddenly knew she had a crush on Sasha Morrison.

  She had tried to ignore her feelings. After all, this was her stepsister. She knew that nobody would understand. Even if her mother would have been okay with Elaine’s lesbian feelings, she knew that feeling that way about her stepsister would not have met with approval from either parent. And, it seemed, Sasha was totally oblivious to the way Elaine felt about her. There wasn't even a hint that she liked Elaine in quite the same way. In fact, it seemed like Sasha barely even tolerated her part of the time.