I'll Never Be Young Again

by Daphne Du Maurier

  ‘Marvellous,’ I lied.

  ‘Isn’t it just marvellous? Of course Carrie has been over before.’ So she was called Carrie, my red girl. Bad name. I turned to her again.

  ‘How do you enjoy it?’ I asked her.

  ‘Oh! I like Europe a lot,’ she said, and she smiled in a careless way as though to suggest she had done a lot in Europe as well as liked it. She was grand. Pity her name was Carrie. I liked these people, they were fun. So easy to talk to. They did not make one feel a fool at all.

  ‘Mixed crowd on this boat,’ I said, and then remembered my own appearance, which didn’t look up to much.

  ‘They’re just terrible,’ said Carrie,‘I don’t believe there’s anyone here of any social standing at all.’

  What a remark! I was glad Jake was not there. Never mind. A girl with a face like that could get away with murder.

  ‘Besides, they’re so bored and tame,’ she went on; ‘there’s no one under fifty, I declare. I’d like to rouse them and put some pep into them. We might have some sort of a party then.’

  ‘I wonder what Gudvangen will be like,’ I said.

  ‘They say it’s no size at all,’ said the dark girl’s boy, ‘there won’t be any real fun till we get to Balholm. We’ll start an excursion from there.’

  ‘I tell you what would be really cute,’ said Carrie, ‘if we didn’t have to join the rest of the crowd from the boat, but just went off in the wilds to explore. You and your friend ought to join us to swell our party.’

  ‘That’s an idea,’ I said. I did not know what Jake would think of this. It sounded all right to me.

  ‘I want to get somewhere and bathe,’ said the dark girl.

  ‘Gee - I wanner bathe too,’ said the boy who bothered over her rug.

  ‘If you two fellows join us we might get hold of some sort of conveyance,’ said the spectacled man. He seemed to be the boss of the party. I guessed he was inviting us because there would be more money, and with added funds we’d be able to hire a car.

  ‘It would be rather a rag,’ I said.

  ‘Wouldn’t it be swell?’ said Carrie.

  The dressing-gong for dinner sounded then. I supposed they would all go below. Jake and I had not any kit with us.

  ‘Won’t you dine with us?’ asked the dark girl.

  ‘Oh! thanks very much, but we don’t change,’ I said, ‘we’ll be feeding in the other saloon. Maybe we’ll see you afterwards on deck.’

  ‘That’s O.K. then,’ she said.

  She and the spectacled chap, her brother I supposed, were running the show.

  They all got up and looked for their various coats and things. I pretended to help them with the gramophone and a rug, but I was not much use. The dark girl let her boy carry everything. It was probably one of the thrills of his day. I did not know whether to go or to stay. It looked funny to go just because they were.

  Carrie hung back a second after the others. She was powdering her nose. Bill, the chap with the camera, looked after her over his shoulder.

  ‘Come on, baby,’ he called.

  She picked up her coat from the ground and threw it over her arm. She smiled, and it was fun to think nobody but me saw the smile.

  ‘See you later,’ she said.

  She followed the rest of them below. I went off to find Jake.

  I met him coming down from the bridge.

  ‘Wasn’t it fine?’ he said. ‘Did you see well from where you were?’

  ‘What?’ I said.

  ‘Why, the colour of the sky beyond that mountain just ahead.’

  ‘Oh! sure,’ I said. ‘Listen, I’ve been talking to the party with the gramophone. They’re terribly nice. They suggest that when we go ashore at Balholm we sort of hire a car all together and see everything. We can keep away from the rest of the tourist gang.’

  ‘Oh!’ he said.

  ‘It wouldn’t bore you, would it, Jake? What I mean is it’s rather fun being with people, d’you know, just for a change? And they really are easy and amusing. Not stiff at all. There’s a chap - the one with glasses who was reading - he seemed keen to know all about how we’d ridden down from Fagerness through the mountains. I think you’d like him. I believe the dark girl is his sister.’

  ‘I didn’t notice any of them,’ said Jake.

  ‘They said something about us dining with them, but I said we hadn’t any clothes. We might see them up on deck later and talk it all over.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Jake.

  ‘I mean, we don’t have to if you’re not keen.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘It would make a sort of a change though, don’t you think? It’s rather good for one to mix with people now and again. I don’t want to drag you in for something that’s going to bore you, though.’

  ‘Oh! it’ll be all right,’ said Jake.

  We had some food and afterwards we went on deck.The boat was just going to anchor, and Gudvangen was before us. The fjord here was very narrow, with the high forbidding mountains rising on either side. The water was black, and of an impossible depth. The white falls crashed down from the ledges of rock. The little village lay ahead. Everything seemed an enormous distance. It was too much.

  I left Jake talking to the fellow with spectacles, and Carrie and I went into the bows of the ship and watched the men working at the anchor. I was able to explain the various reasons for things.

  She looked up at me with big eyes - ‘Isn’t that just too amazing,’ she said.

  I told her about Jake and I working our passage to Oslo in the barque. She could not get over this. She made me go into every detail of the life, and all the while she leant with her arms on the side of the bridge, her thin dress fluttering in the cool air.

  ‘My, you’ve done a lot,’ she said.

  ‘Here - you’ll get cold,’ I said after a while, and we wandered away to find the others, though I did not want to look for them at all.

  ‘I wish we could dance,’ she said.

  ‘I can’t dance,’ I said.

  ‘I guess I could make you learn.’

  ‘You wouldn’t try me for long,’ I told her.

  ‘How should I know?’

  We laughed, and then the boy called Bill and the other one caught sight of us.

  ‘Here they are,’ they shouted. Jake was standing there too. He did not seem to be talking to anyone.

  ‘Why, where have you been, Carrie?’ asked the dark girl, and then they both laughed, and everybody looked at us. I knew I was turning red in the face for no reason. Why did they all have to make such a thing of us having been up in the bows of the steamer? It was damn silly.

  ‘He’s been telling me all about his romantic past,’ said Carrie. That was all right for her. The line got a laugh of course. It made me look a fool, though. I wondered what Jake would think.

  ‘Hullo, old boy,’ I said unnaturally, ‘why didn’t you come along with us?’ I had a feeling that he thought that I was thinking he was out of things.

  ‘Hullo,’ he said.

  I smiled foolishly, humming a tune under my breath. The fellow in glasses came up.

  ‘Do you boys play bridge?’ he said.

  ‘I do,’ said Jake.

  ‘That’s splendid now, can’t we make up a four? You and myself, and my sister and Matty?’ Matty was the bloke who hung round with the dark girl.

  ‘I didn’t know you played, Jake?’ I said.

  ‘Didn’t you?’ he said.

  I wondered if it was my manner that was forced or his.

  Somehow I felt as though I didn’t know him so well as I did. I hoped the bridge would not bore him. It would spoil the fun of my evening if I thought he was hating it.

  ‘You’ll play, won’t you, Jake?’ I said anxiously.

  ‘Sure,’ he said, ‘I’d love to.’

  That left out Carrie and myself. Also the boy with the camera, Bill. I wondered if he would hang around all the time. He did. We went below on the other deck and he came too. We took the gramophon
e and the case of records. She tried to teach me to dance. I could see the other boy danced well. She looked good against him. I’d have got on all right if he hadn’t been there. He was funny too, he kept making her laugh. She was enjoying herself with the pair of us. I supposed this was what girls considered having a good time. I did not think it was great fun. It could have been so much better.

  ‘Don’t you play bridge?’ I asked the boy.

  ‘Why, he can’t play any of these indoor sports,’ said Carrie.

  ‘Can’t I, baby?’ he said.

  They both laughed. I supposed they had some bloody feeble joke. They probably knew each other very well, anyway.

  There was a bar in the smoking-room. We went along and had drinks. She laughed at each of us in turn over the rim of her glass.

  ‘Go and see if the others have finished their bridge, Bill,’ she said.

  I wondered whether we had to stay there until he came back. He’d probably only be gone a minute.

  ‘Are you going ashore in the morning?’ I asked her.

  ‘Maybe I will,’ she said.

  ‘What sort of time?’

  ‘Oh! any time.’

  ‘I wonder if there’s much to see,’ I said.

  ‘You’d better come along and find out.’

  ‘Will you all be going ashore together?’

  ‘I can’t tell,’ she said.

  The wretched boy came back after that. ‘They’ve all gone to bed,’ he said, ‘I can’t find any of them.’

  ‘I guess I’ll go to bed if Mary’s gone,’ said Carrie. So that was that. Nothing much of an evening after all.We walked along with her to her cabin. ‘You boys don’t have to turn in just because of me,’ she said; ‘I’m not breaking up your party, am I?’ She knew perfectly well she was. As if we were going to hang about talking when she was not there.

  We fooled about outside her door. The boy did his comic stuff and pretended to go into the next cabin. I thought I’d seize my chance and say something.

  ‘Listen,’ I said, ‘will you come ashore early tomorrow? I’ll get a boat - we needn’t wait for the others, unless you want to.’

  She kept one shoulder through the crack of the door.

  ‘I might,’ she said.

  ‘Do - say yes - will you?’

  She smiled, with her tongue in her cheek. She wasn’t going to give anything away.

  ‘You never can tell,’ she said. Then she shut the door. I felt tomorrow would be all right.

  ‘Good night,’ I said to the boy.

  I went along to our cabin, which was at the other end of the ship. Jake was already in his berth. He had chosen the top one. He was reading. I whistled, chucking off my things anyhow. There wasn’t much room.

  ‘Had a good time?’ he said.

  ‘Oh! not so bad,’ I said.

  He did not say anything after that. I funked asking him how he had liked the crowd. If he had enjoyed it he would have said so without my having to mention them. I wondered what he would do in the morning. I wished he could get some amusement somewhere. Still, he was always all right by himself. It would not matter leaving him. I climbed into my berth and lay with my hands under my head. It would be fun going ashore with the girl in the morning. Perhaps when we got to Balholm later in the day we would take a boat and bathe. It would be fun whatever one did, I thought. I supposed she let the comic chap sleep with her. They’d scarcely all go away in a party together unless they did. The other girl would cope with the boy called Matty. The spectacled fellow did not seem to come into it much.

  Carrie seemed easy enough to know. I wondered if she held everyone in the same way when she danced. It had been pretty good. Her hair was good too. Everything was good.

  ‘Jake,’ I said, ‘are you asleep?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Well, listen - why do we have to get off at Balholm? Can’t we go on to Vadheim?’

  ‘I’ll find out,’ he said, ‘if you’re keen. What makes you want to go there?’

  ‘Oh! nothing,’ I said, ‘but I feel we ought to see all these places now we’re here.’

  I did not sleep much that night. I felt restless and excited, for no reason. I wanted to go for a ten-mile walk or pull a boat about in the fjord. There was something in the air of this place that was not helpful to sleep. Pure and still. The white light, too. It was demoralizing the way it never got dark. I wanted to be doing things all the time, and I felt hemmed in by those high black mountains unable to get away. The sound of the crashing falls got on my nerves. I got up very early and went on deck. Gudvangen looked a tiny place, dead or asleep, across the still water. Nobody moved from the houses. It seemed impossible to believe that there were living people within miles. The grey mountains towered overhead, it was as if they were leaning towards the anchored ship ready to close in upon her. I leant over the side of the steamer and looked down on the dark water. There was never a ripple, never the slightest disturbance of the surface. And all the while the falls tumbled from the rocks like the hiss of rain.

  There would be no change ever in this atmosphere. It was sinister, overpowering; it was like a troubled dream conjured by the evil thoughts of a past day.

  There was no suggestion of ultimate hope, and no possibility of escape. It was a terrible place.

  I sat up on the deck with my chin in my hands, looking in front of me thinking of nothing, my heart heavy, longing for some nameless thing that I could not explain even to myself. I did not want to feel depressed like this. I wanted to laugh, and not to care about a thought, and to be with people who did not matter, and to have some fun taking that girl ashore. I did not want to be in a lost mood, wretched and distressed. I wished Gudvangen was different, and the mountains wider apart, and the sun shining in a clear sky, and the blue water warm and shallow.

  I went below and found Jake was awake, and sitting up in his berth. ‘I woke up and wondered where you’d gone,’ he said. ‘I was just coming up to find you. I had a feeling something was wrong.’

  ‘Jake,’ I said, ‘I feel like hell.’

  He looked at me without saying anything for a moment.Then he spoke.

  ‘Tell you what, how about taking a boat from Gudvangen and climbing somewhere to get close to those falls. You can stretch your legs a bit. It would be fine getting away again.’

  When Jake suggested this, I was glad for a minute, and then I knew I did not want to go. I had it fixed in my mind about that girl and I was not going to change everything.

  ‘I can’t,’ I said, ‘I arranged something last night with one of those girls.’

  ‘Oh! I see,’ said Jake.

  ‘We don’t get much time ashore, anyway,’ I went on, ‘the boat goes off to Balholm at midday. It wouldn’t be worth climbing anywhere.’

  ‘No.’

  I wondered whether he thought I was making excuses.

  ‘Why don’t you come too?’ I suggested.

  ‘I think I’ll be lazy this morning,’ he said, ‘I’m not really keen.’

  ‘Just as you like,’ I said.

  I whistled to be natural, but it seemed as though we were hiding our inner thoughts from one another. There was nothing to hide either. I had only told him perfectly frankly that I had arranged to take the girl ashore. That was all. I don’t know why we had to act a part in front of one another. Life was a queer business. The steward sounded a gong for breakfast.

  ‘I’m going up to the saloon,’ I said.

  ‘Right,’ he said.

  Now that people were about and the day had got started, my depression seemed to have gone.

  The Americans waved their hands to me. I went over to their table and said good morning. The dark girl Mary had a pink blouse. She looked wrong, somehow. Her boy Matty sat beside her. The spectacled brother was making a large meal. He was very boring, wanting to arrange plans.

  ‘I’ll tell you what,’ he was saying, ‘if we all get together by ten o’clock and go ashore in the same boat, we could get carriages and then see all th
ere is to see, coming back in time to join the steamer at twelve.’

  Nobody was particularly enthusiastic. I thought it a rotten idea. Carrie was not there. Bill was in high spirits making an ass of himself chucking cherry-stones about the room. One of the stewards came and complained. The party thought this the greatest joke. Presently Carrie came in. She had a sort of green thing on without any sleeves. She looked grand. I felt all right then.

  ‘Hullo, everybody,’ she said, ‘what are we all going to do? No - I don’t want any breakfast - I can’t eat a thing ever.’ ‘We’re going ashore,’ said Mary, ‘are you coming?’ ‘I can’t make up my mind,’ said Carrie.

  I kept silent. I was not going to commit myself either way.

  ‘There’s no hurry,’ said Bill. Of course, wherever she went he would go too, I had that as a definite impression. I found it a bore. I could not cope with that sort of situation.

  ‘Well, I’ll be getting along,’ I said. I left them all to it. I went and buried myself in the smoking-room. I’d sit there all the morning and read a paper. I did not care a damn what happened, or who went with whom or where. I wished I had gone with Jake. It was too late to go and hunt him up now. He was probably talking to one of the officers on the bridge. About half-past ten Carrie suddenly appeared in the smoking-room. She had a hat on. She was swinging a bag in her hands. ‘I think you’re mean,’ she said.

  ‘Why - what’s the matter?’ I asked.

  ‘You told me last night you were going to take me ashore. What d’you think I am, to leave me waiting half an hour up on that old gangway?’

  ‘I thought you didn’t care to go,’ I said, ‘you didn’t seem keen at breakfast just now.’

  She laughed under her hat.

  ‘Where d’you keep your brains, little boy? I’ve sent the rest off hours ago. Don’t you know anything about women?’

  I stared at her for a minute and then I smiled. That was all right then. I knew where I was now. ‘I’ve learnt a whole lot in two minutes,’ I said. Then we went on deck to see if there was a boat going ashore. We got one to ourselves. We sat back in the stern. She sat on my handkerchief so she didn’t have to dirty her dress.

  ‘I’ll fall if you don’t hold on to me,’ she said. I put my arm round her and she leant against my shoulder. It was all right. I heard myself laughing rather too loudly.