One Little Bit

by Tey Holden

  Addy felt unsettled also. She realized that deciding to carry a child was a very personal matter. A decision that had to be self-made, and that no matter how she felt, if Karen didn’t feel in her soul that she could or should do it, it was really unfair to put that pressure on her. She was now resolved to let Karen off the hook. After all, wasn’t she the one always saying that a child had to be wanted, if it was going to be brought into the world? So, as things were, if a child was not going to be the product of a loving mutual desire, maybe it was not a good idea.

  “Ker?”

  “Here.”

  Addy walked towards the living room and sat next to her. “I think I owe you an apology. I shouldn’t have pushed the subject of the insemination. I have no right to ask such a thing no matter the reason. I understand that it’s your body and I think that a child needs to be brought into this world to be loved. You cannot love something you don’t want. I thought my idea was good. I thought that we have so much love to give that any child would be lucky to have us as parents. But, don’t sweat it, Ker, I’m happy with us as we are.”

  She put her arm over Karen’s shoulder and kissed her on the forehead. “Good night, baby, I’m going to bed.” As Addy left, Karen felt that her little victory was very shallow. In fact, Karen felt awful. How does she do this to me? I feel bad even when I win! Deep in troubled thoughts, Karen went upstairs and found Addy already in bed.

  Addy turned to sleep thinking that she had done the right thing letting Karen off the hook, however, when Karen came to bed, she didn’t cuddle to her as usual and stayed on her side of the bed. Karen lay in bed unable to sleep. Sensing Karen’s restlessness, Addy turned to face her. “Give it a rest, baby. It’s okay.”

  Addy’s words prompted Karen’s sudden departure from the bed. She went downstairs and sat in the dark, on her usual purging place. She reclined on the sofa and let her mind run. She loves me. When she came here with me, she left everything for me. And she says that I’m her life. Our life is great. She brought me back here, she made this place our home, and we have made a life and a fortune here together. We are happy. She is my whole life. I adore her. I cannot think of life without her. She’s never asked anything from me until now and to make matters worse what she wants is for me! Karen grimaced. How can I deny her this? How can I say no? For my stupid fear? I never thought of me being pregnant, can I? Should I? For her? God, help me? Is this right? What if something happens to me? What will be of her? She’s all I care about. God, show me the way on this one, please?

  Just then Karen heard steps coming down the stairs. Addy hesitated as to whether to come downstairs or not, but she felt awful upstairs knowing that Karen was torn. She felt guilty for having put this decision on Karen’s shoulder. Addy knew where Karen would be, so she walked straight to the sofa and sat next to her and went right to the point. “Don’t think about it anymore, Ker, let it go. Come on. Come back to bed. I need my blankie. Come on, I’ll give you a massage. The kind you like.” She got close to her and kissed her neck. Karen cuddled to her a bit.

  “It’s not just that I don’t like the idea, Addy, you have good instincts and are usually right about things. The truth is that not only did I never see myself pregnant, but the idea also terrifies me. I’m not that young anymore to have a child. Many things could go wrong, not just with me, but also with the child. We may also be too old to raise a kid, have you thought about that?”

  “Yes, I’d lie if I said that the idea does not concern me also. Of course, there will be risks. I just thought that if we went with the best doctors and the best of everything the risks would be minimized. Also, if things weren’t going well, for sure we would opt for your health. I would want to have that very clear from the start. I wouldn’t risk you for anything in the world. And about being too old to raise a child, I really don’t think so. We are not in our twenties or thirties but we are pretty young and healthy. I also think we are very mature and can handle whatever comes at us.”

  Karen cuddled to her. “I also have other concerns other than my health. I think I would hate to be pregnant and getting all fat and big. And even if all went well, aren’t you also afraid that it would change our relationship? It took us so long to be us, I just don’t want to risk our intimacy, or life as it is right now. I’m afraid, Addy, I’m really afraid.”

  Addy looked at those beautiful green eyes so full of concern and genuine fear and smiled. “Ker, look at me. Look into my eyes and tell me, in true honesty if you think anything in the world could change what you see there, please look and tell me.” Karen stared at her and saw exactly what Addy wanted her to see. It was true. Nothing on earth could change the desire and the love she saw in Addy’s eyes. She knew Karen could see it, and feel it.

  “Ker, life would change somewhat for sure. I mean after a while, when the child is five or six, I wouldn’t feel very comfortable making love on the sofa knowing that he or she could come downstairs for a glass of water or something, but I don’t think keeping those activities in the bedroom would be much of a problem. That’s where we have our ‘discussions’ most of the time, anyway.” Addy was always very proper when talking about sex. “Do you see that as a big deal?”

  Karen leaned on her, and Addy wrapped her arms around her. “If I was to agree to this crazy idea, and I’m not saying that I am, will you be there for me all the time?”

  “Ker, have I ever let you down, have I? Life is about trust. You trusted my word when we decided to move and later stay here, and I was here all along. In fact, it was me who opted for staying. I’ve always been here. I’ve always stood by you.” Addy sounded a bit edgy there. Karen remained silent.

  “Yeah, but this is big, this is monumental, this is a lot of responsibility. Bringing someone into the world is a very serious thing, there’s a lot of responsibility. I may also get fat and ugly. I’ve seen that happen to women after they’ve had kids.”

  “Ker, we are legally married. I will adopt the baby as my own, legally and officially from day one. In fact, we can have Mr. Kimbell prepare all the documentation and ready to be filed the very minute the baby becomes viable.”

  “You’d do that?”

  “Ker, I actually wouldn’t have it any other way. We are a family. I would want that child to feel that he or she is as much mine as yours, and most important of all because I love you and I want our baby. And as for you getting fat and ugly, I very much doubt that such a thing could ever happen. First, because you would never allow yourself to gain weight and if you did, you would kill yourself working out after the baby is born to lose it. As for the ugly part, honey, you cannot cover the sun with one finger. Sunshine permeates everything, and just the same, there is no possible way that you could ever be ugly.”

  Karen had a lump in her throat, Addy always made a wimp out of her. “Oh God, I remember once joking about you getting me pregnant, do you remember it? Years ago?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Will you be there every step of the way from selecting the sperm to the actual insemination, the pregnancy, the birth and the eighteen plus years it is going to take to raise this child?”

  Addy chuckled. “Yes, Ker, I will be there every inch of the way. I will actually inseminate you, if the doctor allows me. I also plan to be with you for the rest of my life, so yes. I will be there every single day, every step of the way.”

  Karen leaned into Addy’s shoulder looking for comfort. “I agree to talk about this some more.”

  “Okay, let’s continue to talk then.” Addy thought she was on a roll and didn’t want to let the ball drop.

  “Now? Can’t we talk tomorrow, or over the course of the next few weeks?”

  “Well, you are the one who says that we may be too old. If we keep waiting to even talk about it, it may come to be so. We are not getting any younger, you know? If we are going to consider this seriously, I think we should talk about it now.”

  “I know your reasons for wanting the baby. And, I really don’t want to hear the
m again because you know how mad I get when you even bring up the subject, but I do have several subjects requiring discussion. First, this baby would be the product of one of my eggs and some unknown man’s sperm, so what about genetic concerns? Leaving that aside for a minute and going back to the baby, as things will be, physically, and genetically you will have no contribution in the making of this child.” Here was the logical Karen, sticking her finger in the wound. “So, if your intention is for me to have some of you in this child, how do you see that happening? Moreover, because biologically there would be none of your DNA in that child, why don’t we just adopt, and that way I don’t have to go through, what will most certainly be, a nine-months of living hell for me?”

  Addy remained pensive for like two minutes and, as if illuminated by some strange force, she knew exactly how to reply to win the argument. Karen Larsen you cannot beat what’s coming at you! This was the second time, in their relationship when she absolutely knew she had Karen beat. The first time was when she had convinced Karen to stay in Scotland.

  Addy smiled. “Sit and listen, I could be here a while.” Karen sat expectantly thinking that there was no possible way that Addy could rebut this factual argument. However, her heart pounded because she knew Addy too well and knew that when she wanted, Addy could make hell freeze over. In the depth of her heart, she feared that this was about to happen.

  “First, regarding the genetic concern, and to get rid of that point immediately, we are going to go to the best place for the insemination. I don’t know yet where this place is, but if it’s in Timbuktu, that’s where we are going. I will make sure that we get the adequate referral to this very special, unique and most certainly expensive place. So, there will be no genetic risks taken in that regard. And, by the way, I do not care how much all of this might cost, no price would be too high to assure your safety, health, and our peace of mind.” She paused briefly for effect.

  “Second, although biologically and genetically I will have no input whatsoever in the making of the baby, that baby will be my child for two reasons.”

  Karen was captivated by Addy’s organized arguments. She should have known better than to put Addy in a defensive position. She had seen her more than once arguing a case and was always impressed. Addy was a master debater, with words always poured out of her mouth with exact precision and logic. She listened attentively as Addy continued. “One, this child will be your child.” Addy pointed to her. “A child born of your womb, of your flesh and blood. Just because of that, I will adore it, as I adore you. Two, I am going to love that child to its very core, and I am going to make sure that it takes something of me into him or her, so that when one day, years from now, you hear him or her talk, you will say ‘that’s something Addy would have said or would have done.’” She paused again and looked Karen straight in the eyes. “So, that child may not look one single bit like me, but I give you my word of honor, my solemn promise that our daughter or son will have as much of my spirit and personality as possible in him or her. I also promise you that I will be there to raise our child together, not only until he or she leaves our home, but until I have one breath of air left in me. This I promise you.”

  As Addy eloquently spoke, she paced back and forth in front of Karen gesticulating with her arms, closing her fists for emphasis and letting her entire body speak loud and clear of her intentions. When she was done, she looked at Karen and realized that Karen was almost in tears. Addy stopped and knelt in front of her. “Sweetheart, what is it? What’s wrong?”

  “All of a sudden, I see it.” Karen leaned into her and Addy hugged her.

  “You see what?” Addy pulled out of the embrace to read her face.

  “I see the child.”

  Addy was stunned. Oh God! Addy was almost frightened that she had gone too far. “Ker? What do you see? Please, tell me?”

  Karen spoke looking mesmerized into Addy’s eyes as if she could see the image she was describing in Addy’s eyes. “I see a beautiful little girl. She smiles. Her smile is like a summer day. And she is happy. She feels loved, incredibly loved and when she looks at me, she has an expression on her face.” Karen’s eyes moved back and forth looking for words to describe the image she saw. “It’s not you, but it’s like an expression I’ve seen in your face, like when you open your eyes big and raise your eyebrows. It’s as if she copied your expression. And she speaks in a cute little voice and she says things you’d say.” Two tears dropped from Karen’s eyes.

  Addy couldn’t comprehend this vision, but wasn’t this what she really wanted, another someone to love Karen, just like she did? By now Addy was almost also in tears, but she couldn’t cry now, no, she had to take advantage of this moment and deliver her final punch. She hardly believed what was happening.

  “Ker? I see her too. And I want our baby. I want a family for us, let’s have her.”

  “Addy, I don’t really know if you comprehend the magnitude of what you ask of me. I am a lesbian who never thought of being pregnant, or having a child. If I do this, I will do it for love, for us, for my love of you.”

  “I know, Ker, I know.”

  Addy knelt in front of her and placed her head on Karen’s legs and cried. They embraced and kissed for what could have been hours.

  “Addy?”

  “Umm?”

  “What if my being pregnant hurts our relationship? I have the feeling that I could be pretty crabby and nasty during those nine months, can you live with that?”

  “The opposite could also be true, you know?”

  “Ha! What? That I will love being pregnant?”

  Addy chuckled. “I don’t think anyone loves being pregnant, Ker. Let’s get that clear. I meant that life can be as normal as ever, and you may not be crabby or nasty, but sweet and adorable.”

  “Addypooh! You have got to be the most optimistic person in the world!”

  “If that is true, then you are very lucky, I mean if you do get all crabby and nasty. I will have my usual smiley face.”

  Karen pulled from their embrace and looked at her smiling just a bit. “That I believe to be true.”

  Addy grinned. “Then what is there to worry about? I mean I have already survived your ranting, what could be worse?”

  “Huh? What if I start blaming you every time I feel sick during the, well, you know?”

  “I will take all the blame, like a good trooper, but then after the baby is born, just as well, I will want all the credit for all the happiness. How’s that?”

  “You always win, Adriana Marcos, always!” She again laid her head against Addy’s chest and cuddled up with her. Addy took the throw on the sofa and covered them both.

  “Haven’t we gone over this many times? We are both winners, baby, both of us.” She held Karen tight in her arms and kissed her forehead. “I love you, sweetheart.”

  “If I go through with this madness, it will only prove that I definitely love you more.”

  ***

  The next morning, Addy woke up first. This was unusual. Karen stirred in her sleep when Addy kissed her. “Gorgeous, do you want breakfast in bed?”

  Karen chuckled because most of the time this scenario played the other way around. “Um hum. What are you going to make?”

  “Whatever you want, but you have to promise me that you won’t get up. I have some after breakfast activities planned. Pregnancy requires a lot of trials, you know?”

  Karen smiled, as she stretched on the bed. “I need to go to the bathroom.”

  “Go, but then back to bed.”

  “Yes, ma’am. Your sex slave will be right here waiting.” Addy smiled and took off for the kitchen.

  She took forever, so Karen started to wonder. “Addy?”

  From downstairs, Addy yelled. “Yeah? I’m still working on your culinary treat!”

  “Okay!” Karen yelled from upstairs.

  Addy brought breakfast on a serving tray and placed it on the bed. Karen sat up.

  “I’m sorry it took me so l
ong. You never take this long when you make breakfast.”

  Karen looked at the food and chuckled. “That’s because I only bring you coffee and muffins or toast, but look at this! An omelet, bacon, toast, geez, and I’m not even pregnant yet!” Oh God! What am I saying?

  When Karen finished eating, Addy removed the tray and crawled on the bed and over Karen. As she did her robe slid open revealing her breasts. “You take my breath away, Adriana Marcos.” Addy smiled, enchanted by the green eyes devouring her, and overtaken when she felt Karen’s strong, soft hands inside her robe pulling her down onto the warm body underneath hers.

  Part 2

  Once the decision was made, the next step was to find the best doctor available in the field of insemination. They contacted Gerri as an initial step for guidance. After some consultations with colleagues, Gerri referred them to Dr. Helena Reiken, a doctor in Sweden. She was a well-known specialist in inseminations of older women. Karen was already in her early forties and they wanted to go with the very best to minimize any risks. As it turned out, Dr. Reiken was the daughter of a very good friend of Gertrude and also a lesbian.

  They arranged a visit and flew to Stockholm three days before the appointment. They had already been to Stockholm during their extended tour around the world, so they knew the city. The reason for arriving three days before the appointment was because they wanted to have time to relax and settle in.

  Addy wanted everything to be perfect and had planned out everything to the smallest detail. She was resolved to have this be a pleasant and enjoyable experience, and most importantly, she didn’t want Karen to be in any unnecessary stress under any circumstance. The plan was to be there not only for the insemination, but also for a few weeks after to make sure that everything had gone well.