Dani's Shorts 5

by Dani J Caile

  MATICUS: Ave!

  [Bone splitting sound from the arena, groans from the crowd.]

  TINTINUS: After many years of being ’the’ gladiator, and once glorious people’s champion, how do you feel the season’s going?

  MATICUS: Well, I’ve had some close calls, but I feel I’ll reach that grand finale!

  TINTINUS: So, you think you have a chance of holding onto your title later this month?

  MATICUS: Of course! Nobody can stop me!

  TINTINUS: Well, I wouldn’t say it’s been clear sailing up to this point. Some have said your mediocre performances…

  MATICUS: Mediocre? What are you insinuating? I’ve taken care of all who have stood before me! I have wowed the audiences with my strength and skill…!

  TINTINUS: Like you did against Claudicus the Headchopperoffer? Rumours have it you híd his favourite axe. And how about Slopicus the Flatulent? Apparently that match stank the place out. Personally, I've seen papercuts that spilt more blood.

  MATICUS: How dare you! I was severly injured!

  TINTINUS: Close eye-witnesses say you tripped over your own feet and broke a fingernail. And what about last week with Breakdownicus the Notsobadcouldbehavingabettertimeofitreally? He commited hara-kiri on his own sword after your cruel taunts about his nose. And there was also that split decision match against Paldamir the Ponce, then the fiasco against Ivanicus the Awful, where you…

  [Cheers from the crowd as their favourite takes the upper hand, killing his opponent.]

  MATICUS: Ahh! They all count! I was the winner! I triumphed against all odds!

  TINTINUS: There are also some mentions in the tabloids surfacing now that your infamous fighting technique, 'the whirlwind’, a chaotic and haphazard use of two swords you first performed against thirty-two eunuchs armed with pointy sticks and tweezers, was due to the fact that a rather large spider had crept into your armour moments before the fight. Is this true?

  MATICUS: No! Erm… No comment!

  TINTINUS: Reports are also coming in that Vladimir the Vainicus, still recovering from your fight together, has filed a lawsuit stating that while in close combat, you used a concealed steam-powered flame attached to your trademark hideous steampunk mask, ’Selene’, burning off his eyebrows and eyelashes, and so losing him his five year lucrative contract with cosmetic giants Avon.

  MATICUS: Prove it!

  [Maticus puts on his mask and walks out into the arena to applause and cheers.]

  TINTINUS: So there you have it, citizens, decide as you will. Tintinus Walkingonthinice for Wolverine News signing off…

  [Tintinus is pushed by slaves into the arena. Gates close and Maticus stands in the centre, sword raised.]

  TINTINUS: Hey! Don’t push! No! Not the gates! Hey! What? Hey! Open up!

  [Camera cuts to studio.]

  Quickies

  Weekday Quickie 4

  Write YOUR own horror story. Start with the following sentence: I was jumping on the trampoline…

  USE THESE WORDS: dead, Meryl Streep, scratches, grim, and dirty.

  250 words

  END WITH: What’s done is done…

  I was jumping on the trampoline when I heard knocking coming from the fence. Jumping a little higher, I spotted someone standing on the other side. From what I could see, the person was banging against the wood, trying to get in.

  "Oi! Stop that!" I shouted, but the knocking continued, turning into the sound of splitting wood. The person was trying to break the fence. "What the hell are you doing?" I screamed. With my last jump, I bounced off, only to be confronted by the person themselves. They had succeeded in coming into my garden. "Get out of my...!" The sight of the person made me step back, dirty, scratches all over its face, 'it' for I couldn't distinguish whether they were male or female, and hair like Meryl Streep. With a grim, half rotten scowl on their face, I recognised this person as none other than Frightening Freddy, the King of the Dead. He was legendary in the neighbourhood for devouring old women. "So, it's you Frightening Freddy!"

  "Argh, grrrr!" he mumbled through his decaying mouth.

  "Well, your days are numbered, Freddy!" I picked up my spade and chased him around the garden. For a zombie he was fast, but he lost a foot and fell over. "Now I have you!" I sliced his head off with the spade's blade.

  Something was in his pocket, and I pulled out a birthday card. For me. He'd come to greet me, not eat me. Well, what’s done is done…

  Weekday Quickie 5

  Write a speech for the most eligible bachelor in your town. He will be be accepting an award and a Key to the City for his eligibility. (I know, ridiculous) You must include the following:

  Earwax, Insomnia, Yeast Infection and Zoot Suit

  Thank you for this unique award, the Most Eligible Bachelor Award of Dick County. I have no idea how I beat all those other, as my mother would say, ‘hunks’, but I’m sure it wasn’t my stinky earwax nor my Zoot Suit, unless we have some Retro girls in tonight who are blind and can’t smell. If you care to try ‘the goods’, please make an orderly line on the right of the stage and I will check you for any yeast infections you may have. Please be aware, I suffer from insomnia and you won’t get much sleep. Thank you again!

  Weekend Quickies

  Weekend Quickie 97

  You are Darth Vader, and you are writing a rap about Han Solo and Princess Leia. 200 words. Must include Wookie nookie, Mr. Sulu, and Anakin

  (77 words)

  Yo, yo, yo, yo!

  Solo do the Wookie nookie,

  He done do the Wookie nookie,

  Tellin' ya like he de man! He de muther f'king man,

  He done do the Princess Leia,

  Leia, Leia, Princess Leia,

  He ain't no Mr. Sulu, nu, nu,

  He done do the Wookie nookie,

  Tellin' ya like I know! Anakin, I know!

  I'm da man, he de man, I'm the Vader, he de man!

  Hey, hey, hey, hey!

  Yo, yo, yo, yo!

  Weekend Quickie 98

  Start with: Jackie ate the last banana… ,Use the words, pear, torque and water- fight. 150 words

  Jackie ate the last banana, knowing full well the consequences. Masie came in and she was off.

  “You could have eaten the pear, for Christ’s sake! The pear! See? It’s right there! It’s been there for six days, six stinking days, but no, we buy a bunch of bananas, and you’re at them! I had one! One of them! And you had the rest! You… you…!” She looked around and picked up the first thing at hand, a glass of water, and threw the contents into Jackie’s face.

  “You bitch! It’s just a banana!” Jackie got up and grabbed the vase of flowers from the coffee table, throwing the water, flowers and all, at her flatmate. A water-fight ensued, finishing with them wrestling on the floor, Masie with a neck hold on Jackie that would’ve produced enough torque to pull her head off, if it wasn’t for her head brace.

  Weekend Quickie 99 (Sunday)

  Write a country song with 4 stanzas and a chorus. You must use the following words: Corn fed, drama, baby mama, tight blue jeans. Max 200 words

  I got me some drama ’cause I’m an ol’ farmer,

  Got me a baby mama an’ nothin’ will calm ‘er

  ‘cept swigs on Big Theodore’s ‘shine.

  I don’ right know where she been in ‘er short tight blue jeans

  But th’ Boys said they seen some hillbilly too keen

  takin’ swigs on Big Theodore’s ‘shine!

  I’m a corn fed ol’ varment from down on the way

  An’ nobod’ done listen to a dang word I say.

  Th’ day I did wed some thang she did said

  Make my Boys they all fled an’ soft I did tread

  Givin’ swigs on Big Theodore’s ‘shine.

  Well, I got me some drama I’m a god-dang it farmer,

  Got a swee’ baby mama an’ nothin’ will calm ‘er

  ‘cept swigs on Big Theodore’s ‘shine!

  I’m a corn fed ol�
�� varment from down on the way

  An’ nobod’ done listen to a dang word I say.

  An’ nobod’ done listen to a dang word I say!

  Weekend Quickie 100

  Write a letter to your favourite celebrity :Pickles, A microphone, A bottle of Ibuprofen, A Brown Marker, Cattle-prod. 250 words

  Dear Jason Statham,

  I hope you enjoyed the 'Layer Cake' muffin that came with this letter, I'm a big fan of yours and I heard you needed some help with your diet. It's always good to have something sweet.

  I'd also like to say thank you so much for writing your autograph on my girlfriend's buttocks with a large brown permanent marker. I am so happy that she has refused to wash it off for the last six days, and although it is now only a smudge, she still refuses.

  I forgive you for what you did to her with that pickle jar, it has spiced our love life up a little, what with the addition of common garden vegetables, though I will never be able to look at another eggplant again. And after she told me where you put that microphone, I haven't been able to make a public speech since...and I'm a CEO.

  How are you feeling? Did you like the muffin? Good. I crushed a whole bottle of Ibuprofen into the mix and if you ate every crumb, like the pig you are, then you should be feeling the effect soon, very soon. Not even a cattle prod will be able to wake you up from that.

  I know where your room is in the hotel, my girlfriend still has a pass key, and I'll be there in five minutes. With a pickle jar. And a microphone. I won't forget the eggplant, either.

  Yours,

  A fan.

  Weekend Quickie 100 (missing 3 elements but still good!)

  "Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam...!" Bert was playing around, walking along the top of the fences, pretending the cattle prod was a microphone, singing his heart out.

  "I'm a gonna be a star, Ted! I'm a gonna go to Nashville and made me a ton a money! You guys can go kiss my butt!"

  Ted farted. "And here's yer accompa'ment, yer daft fat ape!"

  Bert danced on the gate, frightening the cattle. "Oh! give me a land where the bright diamond sand...!"

  "Can yer shut his arse up, Ted? I'm trying ta count here," moaned Bobby, counting the herd.

  "Oh, don't worry, he'll come to some bad end soon, it's a "Weekend Quickie", what do you expect? There ain't never been no good endings from that ol' bugger Dani boy."

  "Well, I've just lost count again. If only I had me gun," sighed Bobby.

  "Here it comes, watch," whispered Ted, nudging Bobby and making him start again. As foretold, Bert made a bad move and fell in amongst the cows. Ted and Bobby heard the ominous and painful sound of the cattle prod hitting skin. Bert's howl stretched across the entire valley.

  "Ya see? Never a good end, someone always gets it." They both nodded, listening to the screams and cries from below the cattle.

  "Ouch, that's gotta hurt, Ted, you gonna do anything about it?" whinced Bobby.

  "Nope, not really, 'cept use the last element. It's nothing that a bottle of Ibuprofen can't fix, anyhows."

  Weekend Quickie 101 (Sunday)

  Dogs playing Pool, A Red Fern, A book, A woman named Alfred, 250 words, The feeling of being perturbed

  My head span. It wasn't the drink, I'd asked for a shandy. The room turned over and my world was at an angle, my vision impaired, unsettling me. All my mental capacity ceased, I was a person stuck in my head, disturbed beyond belief. I could only sit and stare out of my eyeballs, unable even to shut out the sights which came to me. Over in the corner, dogs were playing pool, barking to each other, snarling over their shots. They stood on their hind legs and howled at their misses. What was once a plastic flower standing by the bar was now a large red fern, spread across the whole room, people socialising walking through its spikey red leaves without a second glance.

  Was it the book? It couldn't be. I wasn't stupid enough to believe in that superstitious nonsense. The girl at the bookshop had warned me it was "The book that cannot be read", but I laughed at her and said that was '50 Shades of Grey'.

  "Hello." There was a voice nearby but I couldn't turn my head to see its owner. It was a girl's voice... was it that same girl? I tried to reply but all I could do was stare.

  "My name is Alfred and you met me at the bookshop." A woman named Alfred? "I told you not to buy that book. It has a curse. Now you will be taken and put into the "Britain's Got Talent" audience. Goodbye." Noooooooo!

  Weekend Quickie 102

  Use the following in a 250 word short story: Carrots, Dog, Ren and Stimpy, Tuna

  Stimpy bounced on Rens bed, waking him up. He wasn’t in the best of moods.

  “You idiotic buffoon! I need more beauty sleep, see?” Ren held up a mirror to his face, causing it to smash into smithereens.

  “But Ren, I want you to meet my new friend, Tuna!” Stimpy showed Ren a rotting fishhead he’d taken out of the trash.

  “Phew, Stimpy, your friend is stinky! Get him out of here, now!” he shouted, with spit covering both Stimpy and Tuna.

  “Arrgh, Ren, see, you’ve hurt his feelings.” Maggots popped from mucus infested warts across the face of the fish. Stimpy pressed it against his body, the yellow ooze dripping down his big gut, collecting in his belly button and causing the family of boggies living there to evacuate.

  “I am a dog, my ignoramus fat feline, and as a fine specimen of my kind…” He puffed out his pigeon chest and the halo over his head cracked with the strain of conscience. “…I hate fish! Take it out of my sight!”

  Tears welled up in Stimpy”s eyes, and he burst out crying, filling the room with water. Ren lay on a duck-shaped inflatable while Stimpy did the backstroke and whale impressions. Stimpy took out a bunch of carrots from his ear, encrusted in gleaming wax.

  “Care for a bite?”

  “Stimpy!” Ren turned red, steam escaping from the top of his head, his tuft of hair flapping.

  “No sir, I don’t like it,” said Horse, appearing from the water.

  Weekend Quickie 103 (Easter Sunday)

  The Easter Bunny, Jesus, Easter eggs, and Walmart. 250 words

  "Whoa! They're got a special on Easter eggs! 40% on all Easter items!" She ran over to the colorful shelves and filled the trolley with rainbow colored chocolate poop. Kevin hated that they lived only five minutes from Walmarts.

  "It's Christmas, Dolly, why the hell do you want to buy Easter eggs?"

  "Because they're cheap!" She moved on, her trolley almost full with the stuff.

  "But Dolly, when you were a kid you 'took out' the Easter bunny in the kindergarten, kicking the shit out of old Mrs Ferryweather, and shouted at the other kids for believing in that crap!"

  She laughed and traveled on her trolley, flying down the aisle.

  "I don't believe in Jesus, either, but that doesn't stop me celebrating Christmas, all those toys and that chocolate!"

  Kevin trudged on, following her lead, listening to her cackling and snorting.

  "Ah-ha! Finally! A dancing singing 12 inch Father Christmas for under five dollars!" She dropped the whole shelf into the trolley, about a dozen red pieces of plastic shaking their 'booties'. "And pink tacky Chinese coffee table Christmas trees!"

  "Now, hang on, Dolly, I think you've gone a bit too far, there, I really..."

  An alarm went off, lights flashed around them and two security guards built like brick shithouses stood over Dolly.

  "Excuse me, madam, but I'm afraid that under the store's code of practise, we'll have to take you into custody for having absolutely no class."

  They led her off screaming. Kevin went to Dollar General.

  Weekend Quickie 104

  A beautiful Sunrise, crackers, a racist butterfly. 200 words

  It was a beautiful sunrise, perfect for the last day of their lives, drinking pollen and laying eggs. Unfortunately, Bert fluttered over, his proboscis was always half empty, no one liked him.

  "I can't believe it! I spent all night trying to sleep while this damn moth k
ept banging into the porch light at Number 10!"

  "Bert, that's what they do, they love the light."

  "They're inbred, that's what they are! Damn 'Non Colours'! Don't they have somewhere better to be?" They fluttered away from him but he followed.

  "They have colours, Bert, you just have to look a bit harder, all different shades of white, brown, grey..." stated Mavis. Her cousin on her mother's side had interbred with a moth the other day.

  "Hell, they're all the same to me! And dumb! They're so dumb! This one tried to eat crumbs from crackers dropped in the grass!"

  "Maybe it was resting?" added Doris.

  "Resting? Resting! I wish I had some rest! The thing kept hitting the light, bang, bang, bang...!"

  "I wish we had some rest," muttered Boris. "Look! A moth!" He pointed over the field of flowers.

  "Where? Where?" And Bert was off, flying in the opposite direction.

  Weekend Quickie 105 (Sunday)

  A Transvestite Cab Driver, A Catholic Prostitute, Three Pennies, and a Gondola. 250 Words. (No hate bashing-elements are meant for story use only)

  They looked a pretty pair in the gondola, floating through the canals, Edwin, cab driver by day and transvestite Ellie by night, and Suzie, a Catholic prostitute, trying to keep to her religious beliefs. Times were hard and she'd been forced on the street by her less-than-holy uncle.

  "Nice day for it," said Edwin/Ellie, dressed in his/her best summer dress. Suze felt common sitting beside him/her in a hand-me-down from her sister. She saw he/she had shaved his/her legs for the occasion.

  "I must tell you that I hold to the doctrine of the church," stated Suze, straightening her skirt.

  "That's a bit tricky for a prostitute," laughed Edwin/Ellie, adjusting his/her undercarriage.

  "We are not allowed to use a... a condom." Even the word made her cross herself.

  "Shame, shame, but what protection do you have?" asked Edwin/Ellie. "What about STDs?"

  "I have the Lord to protect me," said Suzie, hands clasped in prayer.