Oh, Bite Me: Paranormal Dating Agency

by Chris Genovese

  A school of marlin scattered as he soared through the water and shifted his dorsal fins to cut right as his senses picked up on the sputtering of an engine still running. The boat would be going nowhere based on the information he’d received from Faith, but it seemed no one had told the captain that.

  I’m close. I’m so fucking close I can practically taste him. Please don’t let Evelyn get to him first.

  Of course, it would be a him. Female captains, for the most part, were smart enough to stay clear of islands they had no business near. The males always seemed to be the daring ones, pushing boundaries, usually pridefully whisking tourists off to see the schools of sharks. If Evelyn got to him first, it would be the last thing the man would encounter. Nobody, no matter how courageous, wanted to be on the receiving end of what she had in store.

  Tunnel vision kicked in and Thane saw it. As if through a giant scope, everything else around the circular sight faded away. It was all about that small dot ahead where five sharks had beat him to the table. Thane would have cleared it if he he’d gotten there first. He would have pulled the tablecloth out from under it, scattered the dishes, and freed the meal. But he wasn’t like the others. They were hungry, ravenous, and they were unraveling the silverware, tucking their napkins into their laps, and licking their lips as they prepared to dine.

  Fuck!

  He focused and smelled the water. No blood. Motor oil, but no blood.

  Thank God.

  Using his ability to communicate mentally with other underwater shifters, Thane sent out a message that would ping from one mind to any other in his vicinity. If these sharks weren’t shifters, he was screwed. He could only communicate mentally with his own kind, and he was in no mood to play the charade game he had to use when trying to get a message across to non-shifter sharks.

  “You’re too late,” came Evelyn’s female voice, straight to his subconscious. “We’re hungry, baby. And these humans are not yours to save.”

  “Don’t do this,” he shot back as he continued to speed toward what was sure to be a mess by the time he got there.

  Where the fuck is Kino? Where are Faith and Jagger and the others?

  “Consider it already done,” Evelyn said, her voice soft in its wickedness. Like the conniving, evil bitch she always was, she did it all in a soothing voice that made males fall in love with her and beg to be taken into her bed.

  Thane had been there, and he’d done that. It was a mistake he’d never repeat.

  “Evelyn, I’m begging you,” he said. “This is wrong.”

  A cloud of red mist jutted down deep from the surface, spreading out like a scarlet blanket, sending her team into a feeding frenzy and enraging Thane. He’d done everything he could to stop the senseless killing, the murdering of humans that always resulted in retaliation and vengeance from their hunters and law enforcement. He had tried everything to convince his kind that there were other ways. They could shift into human form and eat all the meat they wanted. There was no need to kill humans.

  But Evelyn got off on the power. She loved the fear. She lived for the excitement of the hunt, even if her idea of hunting was the equivalent of trying to catch a deer with a hand grenade. Blood everywhere and not exactly what Thane considered a challenge.

  “Bitch!” Thane roared mentally as he pushed on, now only wanting to face her and swat away her weak little soldiers.

  “Mmm,” she replied. “Delicious. You really should try some.”

  As Thane finally reached the red, rapidly spreading cloud, some of it seeped into his nostrils. It was delicious, but it was wrong.

  “Take care of him, please,” Evelyn’s voice said, pinging off each shark in her school and making its way over to Thane.

  Her inability to focus her communication on one shark tipped him off. He was stronger, faster, and more experienced than all her followers.

  “Come at me!” he shouted.

  One of the tiger sharks in her family turned toward him with an arm clenched in his teeth. He devoured it quickly and darted toward Thane.

  “Big mistake,” Thane said as he skidded right and swung back around in time to sink his teeth into one of the shark’s pectoral fins.

  “Motherfucker,” the shark cried. “Let go!”

  “Giving you something to remember me by,” Thane said as he ripped his snout right, tearing off a small chunk of the fin and swallowing it. “Next time, stick to sea turtles.”

  The shark cried out.

  Thane hated hurting his own. He could have done so much more damage, but this was only a warning. Maybe next time this guy would remember him and would steer clear.

  “Get him!” Evelyn commanded.

  She would never come after him herself. She wouldn’t admit it, but Thane knew she was afraid. Her yuppies would do her bidding, and they would each suffer for it.

  Three more sharks charged at him and Thane was sure Axel was one of them. He hated that guy with every ounce of his being. He wasn’t sure which of the sharks transformed into the shaggy blond, blue-eyed human, but if he could figure it out, he’d make sure to leave him a permanent scar he couldn’t hide in his two-legged form.

  Like an underwater fighter pilot, Thane swung his body around to the right, but the other sharks followed. Even though he was the biggest of the group and was much more skilled in the fight, he knew he was in danger if all three pounced on him at once.

  Where the fuck is Kino?!

  “Over here, bruh,” his best friend and right-hand man announced, his voice sinking into his brain.

  From somewhere behind him, Kino, Faith, and Jagger dashed into view, slamming into the opposing three swimmers.

  “There’s no need for this,” Thane tried to tell Evelyn once more. “Take your school and leave!”

  Sharks from both sides swam at each other, dodging and snapping. Finally, Evelyn’s voice echoed through the water as she mentally yelled, “Enough! Retreat!”

  “Damn right!” Kino replied.

  “You should warn your flunky what happens to sharks who think they can trash talk me, Thane,” Evelyn replied.

  “I’ve already heard,” Kino snapped back. “Your sexual abstinence is legendary.”

  Thane would have laughed out loud if he were in human form. Evelyn had no ability to refrain from sex. She was known for taking a new man into her bed nearly every night.

  “We need to talk,” Thane told Evelyn, and all the other sharks heard.

  “Are you trying to call a meeting with me?” she replied. “I’m afraid that has always resulted in far too little talking. You never could resist me.”

  Finally, Thane spotted her up ahead as she turned around and swam away from the area. He chased after her.

  “Enough is enough,” he told her. “Put an end to this. You’re only calling more attention to us.”

  “Attention is good,” she replied. “It keeps our reflexes in tune. Go back to your island and wait for my next attack. It’s what you do best.”

  Thane stopped following. It was of no use. She wouldn’t listen to reason. She never had. It’s the reason he made her leave his group in the first place. Now, she was the leader of her own, and she was loving every second of it.

  Chapter 3

  When Sylvia mentioned a trip to Australia, Penny laughed it off, thinking her best friend was only kidding. Who could afford a trip to the outback? Besides, Penny wanted to be beachside, sipping mimosas, not hiking through the great outdoors. She didn’t have the energy for something like that. Her body wouldn’t be able to handle it and her doctors would flip out.

  “You’re kidding, right?” Sylvia had asked.

  “Not at all,” she’d replied. “If, and when, I take a vacation, I want to chill.”

  “Australia is totally chill. And you can’t get much more beachside than an entire continent completely surrounded by water.”

  As stupid as it sounded, Penny had never thought about it that way. When it came to seaside sunbathing, she’d always thought o
f places like Hawaii or the Bahamas or even Jamaica. Belize might have made sense, but not once had she ever thought of Australia.

  She’d tried to get out of it at first. She’d used every excuse to keep herself holed up inside her apartment, but Sylvia had swatted away each excuse masterfully.

  Too expensive? No problem. Sylvia’s day job, or night job really, was taking to the mic as Sylvia Foxx, the sex-kitten, after-midnight radio host. She’d been offered two tickets to Australia by one of her sponsors, some dude named Jameson who had been trying to get in her pants for years. He owned some sort of getaway vacation company, so it made sense he’d be able to hook her up with a trip.

  Too busy with work to take a timeout? Again, no big deal, Sylvia reminded her. Penny, being a freelance copywrite editor, could handle clients’ work from the comfort of any hotel room or any poolside lounge chair in any place around the globe. She had the most mobile-friendly life of anyone Sylvia knew.

  Not feeling well? Nothing could help Penny fight her sickness better than some warm sun rays and shirtless males prancing around for her viewing pleasure, even if her doctors would forbid it. They would definitely be against a trip like this. But, as Sylvia had stated, what difference would it make? What exactly had her doctors done to change anything anyway?

  It was settled. They were on their way to Australia, to a resort in Queensland, where the men were sure to have the sexiest accents and neither of the girls would ever need to buy a drink. This place was all-inclusive, and Penny had to admit, she couldn’t fucking wait.

  The flight over, the drive to the hotel, check-in, and even the first few days in paradise flew by in a blur. She sipped cocktails while tapping away at her keyboard. She checked out the handsome men while rewriting landing pages and flexed her ass along to the sound of beach vibes flowing from hidden speakers as she concocted catchy phrases packed with SEO-friendly terminology. No one could see her dancing in her seat, and she’d never allow herself to get up and actually bust a move, but she was secretly enjoying herself.

  Sylvia had been spending her nights with Jameson and her days with every other male at the resort. She was much more outgoing than Penny had ever been. She was perfectly at ease in the pool or on the beach chatting with oiled-up studs. Penny had always lived vicariously through her. Sylvia had the golden skin tone all women strove for, she had a model-like body with an ass she was all too proud of, and she spoke three languages. The woman could give you directions in English, curse you out in Spanish, and then seduce you in French—all without batting an eye. Such was the essence of Sylvia Foxx…doll by day, sexual predator by night.

  Penny wished she could sum herself up in such a way. If she had to explain herself, she might say she was a bit of an introvert. She didn’t mind being around people, but she didn’t do well in crowds. Small talk was her kryptonite, and her sex life, for the most part, had been quite vanilla. She’d tried to spice it up some with her ex, but Doug only liked the missionary position when sober and doggystyle when drunk. And the man rarely drank. Her body was average. She had a decent ass, smooth skin, and tits that weren’t anything to brag about. Her hair was her best asset, long and dirty blonde, nearly brown, and it was always soft as silk.

  Pausing from her work, Penny took some of her hair in her hand and rubbed it between her thumb and forefinger. She wondered how she would look if she cut her hair shorter, maybe above shoulder length, moving in the direction of most women nowadays? She needed to naughty herself up if she hoped to ever get laid on this trip.

  No, I take that back. I can get laid anytime I want, but that’s not it. I don’t want shallow sex. I don’t want a drunken one-night-stand. I’ve had that. I want something more.

  “Since when did people stop enjoying what life has to offer so they could bury themselves in an electronic screen?” came a voice to her right.

  Penny glanced over and saw an older woman, quite attractive in a matriarchal kind of way. Her white hair was cut into the exact same bob she’d been considering only a moment before. The round floppy hat she wore and the sunglasses covering her eyes kept her shrouded in mystery, but it was clear she was a woman in complete control of life. She had an air about her. Penny wouldn’t have been surprised to find out that all the guys Sylvia had been flirting with would come whisking this woman off to her room if she only whistled. This woman might have been older, and she might not have said more than a few words to her, but Penny sensed her dominance.

  “Is she a family member of yours?” the woman asked as she raised a tumbler full of what looked like whiskey to her lips and used her pinky finger to point at Sylvia.

  “Practically,” Penny replied. “A really good friend. Like a sister.”

  “She knows her way around the fellas, huh?” the woman asked.

  “That she definitely does,” Penny said.

  “And why haven’t you joined her?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Why haven’t you set down that machine and slid into the water to go find yourself a man?”

  “I think I’m done with dating for now,” Penny said. “I haven’t exactly had much luck with it. I tend to find more pleasure on my own if you know what I mean.”

  Penny laughed, and the woman did too.

  Oh my God. Why did I hint at masturbation to a woman I don’t even know? She must think I’m a total loser.

  “That’s a shame,” the woman said. “Having to count on some alone time when there are so many strapping young men out there looking for a mate.”

  “A mate?” Penny asked followed by a giggle.

  “A mate,” the woman replied with no hint of playfulness on her face. “Sorry. I never introduced myself. Geraldine Wilder. Gerri for short.”

  She handed a card to Penny. Penny took it and turned it over in her hand while barely mumbling her own name.

  “Penelope,” Gerri said. “That’s a nice name. I had a great friend once named Penelope.”

  “Penny. Penelope was my grandmother’s name. I usually go by Penny.”

  “As you can see from the card I handed you,” Gerri continued, “I run a dating agency with some…unique gentlemen on the menu.”

  “I’ve tried that, the whole dating agency thing, and it ended badly,” Penny said.

  “These aren’t your normal dates,” Gerri replied. “And my dates don’t end badly. It simply doesn’t happen.”

  “I’ve tried the whole paranormal dating thing too,” Penny said. “Didn’t go so well.”

  “As I said. My dates don’t end badly. In fact, they don’t really end at all.”

  “Surely it must sometimes…”

  “Doesn’t happen,” Gerri repeated. “Not on my watch. Not ever. It’s kind of something I take great pride in.”

  Both women remained silent for a second as they watched Sylvia splash around in the pool, squealing as a handsome, powerfully built man, splashed water at her.

  “What would you say you’re looking for in a man?” Gerri asked, breaking the silence. “And please be honest. It only works if you’re honest. None of that tall, dark, and handsome bullshit. I mean you can certainly add that too, but you’ll need to give me more.”

  “Fine,” Penny said as she placed her laptop near her feet and turned in her seat, so she could face her new friend. She wanted to give the woman the attention she seemed to deserve. “What I want is a fucking man, Gerri.”

  Gerri laughed and sipped from her drink.

  “There we go,” the older woman said. “Let me have it.”

  “I want a fucking man,” Penny repeated. “I want to be held with arms that squeeze me so tight I think I might suffocate. I want him to hold my hand when we enter a room, like I’m the trophy he’s worked all his life to win. And I want him to walk me out with the same pride. I want to be loved…”

  Penny paused there and fell into deep thought, thinking about past relationships and wondering if any of them had loved her.

  “Loved,” Gerri said. “I can work with that. Bu
t something tells me that’s not all you want.”

  “I want to be adored,” Penny said.

  “Oh, please,” Gerri replied, sipping from her drink and then setting it down on the ground so she could turn and face Penny.

  Penny wasn’t sure what to add. How much should she say? She didn’t even know this woman. Gerri grabbed hold of Penny’s hands and held them as she peered deep into her eyes. There was a warmth there that wrapped around all that strength. It provided an unexplainable comfort.

  “I’m not an old heifer,” Gerri said. “Do you think I don’t know what a woman wants? Now, tell me what else you want from your man?”

  Instant excitement filled Penny. As absurd as it seemed, she felt as if she were speaking to her fairy godmother and this was her only chance to do this right without screwing it up, she remembered a couple of things she wanted to add on.

  “I want him to be strong and brave and I want him to…”

  She leaned in closer to Gerri and whispered the rest.

  “…I want him to ravage my body, to devour me, to fuck me like he might never get the chance to fuck me again…every time he fucks me.”

  “Well hot damn,” Gerri said, letting go of Penny’s hands and slapping her own thigh. “I do believe you have it all figured out, honey.”

  Penny sat back on her chair and picked up her computer. She stared at the screen for a moment, not quite sure where all that had come from. This woman she’d only met a few minutes ago had soothed her into saying things she normally wouldn’t. It had been the truth, but it still seemed wrong to say it out loud to a complete stranger.

  “It would be nice,” Penny said, “But impossible, I know. It was nice to think about though. For now, I’ll order another drink and be happy I met a new friend.”

  “Amen to that,” Gerri said as she held up her tumbler in a toast like motion. “Go ahead and write your room number on the back of that card I gave you. I’ll call you later with details. Get some rest. I’ll have a date for you in no time.”