An Alaskan Wedding

by Nance Sparks

  “Or Andi. I think you should be Andi, she’s a blast.”

  “Sara, it’s too late to be Andi. I lost that chance. If you could have seen her eyes the day I told her I was pregnant…I hurt her so deeply. I closed and locked the door on that part of my life. Besides, you know I’m bi, but it’s nothing I’ve ever discussed with the girls. What would they think if their mom came home and announced she wanted to be with a certain female photographer?”

  “The girls could give a shit who you’re with as long as you’re happy. I’d bet our friendship on that, and the photographer definitely makes you happy. You rock her world too. Honey, I’ve seen the way she looks at you, and trust me, if that door’s locked, then she’s begging you for the key. In fact, I’m willing to bet that she’s already picked the fucking lock and has the door propped wide open hoping you’ll sashay your fine ass through it and right into her arms!”

  “Ha! If only. Sara, I asked her how I could fix it all, how to make it right and she told me that there was no way to make things right.” Andrea took a deep breath.

  “When did she say that?”

  “The last time I saw her.”

  “The last time you saw her? Like, fifteen years ago? That last time you saw her? Excuse me, can we hold the drama for just a moment, please? Okay, so now that I’ve had time to noodle on the back story a bit, I’ll share my opinion with you whether you want to hear it or not, and I say this with the utmost love. So fucking what? You got caught having sex in your childhood bedroom. Who hasn’t? So what if you had sex again with Scott a few months later? Again, who hasn’t? So what if you got knocked up and had a kid? Shit happens, get over it. We have all done questionable things at one point or another. Stop trying to make up for it by being so perfect all the time. You don’t have to keep proving you’ll do better. You’ve already done some pretty amazing things. It’s time to move on! Sweetie, if you could have seen yourself last night. Seriously, in all the years we’ve been friends, I’ve never seen you more carefree and comfortable. Sure, you and I joke around and laugh, but I’ve never seen you laugh like you did last night with Riley. You have the most amazing smile when you’re with her, and watching you two dance together, I mean, come on, serious sizzle! If the woman that I saw last night is Andi, then I think Andrea needs to spend a little more time with her and chill the fuck out.”

  No one on earth could monologue like Sara when she was on a role, and there was no point in trying to interrupt. Still, her logic made sense. “Why on earth did you go into nursing? You should have been a psychologist.”

  “I’m too fucking blunt to be a psychologist. You should know that.” Sara laughed. “Sweetie, your girls are amazing, and they want nothing more than to see you happy, and from where I stand, Riley is what makes you happy. Go, move forth and be happy.”

  “Not so fast, my friend. Maybe I was no more than a notch in her bedpost, not that I resisted. Anyway, she’s single and travels all over the country for a living, you said so yourself. She’s the most sought-after lesbian photographer ever, and she has her pick of women wherever she goes. Our lives are so completely different. How could it possibly work? Oh, and let’s not forget that she was never a fan of kids. Anyway, before I consider a future, I have to see if Riley even wants to talk to me again.” Andrea twisted the robe tie in her free hand.

  “Why wouldn’t she want to talk to you?” Sara asked.

  “She was gone when I woke up.” This time the disappointment came through.

  “Did you ever figure out what room she’s in?”

  “Yes. She told me last night in the elevator. ”

  “Go talk to her. See how she’s feeling, spend some time together. Explain whatever it is you have to explain and then move on! Shit, I’m late. Sweetie, I’ve gotta run. Are you okay?” Sara asked.

  “I’m fine. Go, give Kay my love and have an amazing honeymoon,” Andrea said.

  “I’ll call and check in with you when I can. I love you, sweets!” The elevator chime sounded in the background.

  “I love you too.”

  After a long hot shower and a few ibuprofen, Andrea hung up her dress in the wardrobe bag and slipped into a pair of jeans and a blouse. She applied a little makeup and left her hair down and slightly damp. She looked in the mirror and decided that she finally looked presentable enough to knock on Riley’s hotel door. Sara was right, they needed to talk if Riley was open to it. She tucked her key card into her back pocket and took the stairs two at a time.

  Andrea knocked on door four ten. “Riley, are you awake?”

  Silence. No footsteps, no television playing. She knocked again.

  “Riley?” She waited a few moments. “Riley, can we please talk?”

  She stood in the hallway, her heart pounding. What should she do next? Was Riley asleep? Maybe she had an early flight and was already gone. Her heart sank. No, please don’t be gone. She knocked one more time.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Persistent knocking at the door jarred Riley awake. She must have dozed off sitting at the small table. Her neck was stiff, and her left arm was completely numb. The knocking at the door started again. Was that Andrea’s voice? Riley stood up, still in a sleep daze, and made her way across the room. She opened the door and stood there staring for a second. If this was a dream, she didn’t want to wake up. Andrea stood outside her hotel room in jeans and a peach-colored blouse with enough buttons undone that she could see a hint of cleavage. Her hair had been up for the wedding, and while she looked sexy as hell last night, there was something about seeing her with her hair down, dressed like this, that made Riley weak in the knees. This look, this person was Andi, her Andi. The shoulder-length hair was full and thick with a soft natural wave to it. She blinked a few more times when a huge yawn took hold and she turned away slightly.

  “Did I wake you?” Andrea asked.

  “I thought I was drinking a cup of coffee.” Riley rubbed her eyes. “But I must have dozed off between sips.”

  “Did you get any sleep last night?”

  Another yawn stole her words, so Riley shook her head. She was starting to feel the effects too. Perhaps whiskey and coffee weren’t the best choices for breakfast.

  “Go get some sleep. We can talk later.” Andrea turned to leave.

  Riley reached out and touched her arm, “No, please don’t go. Come in. I’m glad you’re here. I was worried about you.”

  Andrea turned back. Something in her eyes said she understood. She smiled and stepped into the room.

  “About last night, I owe you an explanation and an apology.” Andrea looked down at the floor, her hands in her pockets, her weight shifting back and forth.

  Everything about her looked hesitant, as if she was nervous to say whatever it was that she wanted to say. The look in her eyes was a familiar one. Riley last saw it fifteen years ago when Andrea told her she was pregnant with Scott’s baby. She braced herself for the blow. She knew what was coming and it was suddenly too much. Everything she remembered about the two of them together had always been incredible and amazing, and then all of a sudden, a switch was flipped, and she was told that she had to turn all of those unbelievable feelings off. It took her a long time to let go and move on. Well, she thought she had moved on. She thought the feelings had been extinguished, but it took nothing more than the sound of her voice to reignite that flame into the same strong torch that burned so long ago. And yet, here she stood, once again, wondering when the other shoe would drop. Riley waited for the words to come. Andrea just stood there, shifting from side to side and chewing on the inside of her cheek. The silence was deafening. Enough of this, time to rip off the Band-Aid.

  “Look, Andi, you don’t owe me anything. I get it, it happens.” Riley walked past Andrea and opened the closet. She pulled out an empty suitcase and flung it onto the bed.

  “What are you doing? Do you have to leave already?” Andr
ea stepped closer.

  “I’m not good at tiptoeing. That’s not who we’ve ever been with each other.” Riley stepped past her again and opened a dresser drawer. She grabbed an armload of clothes and made her way back toward the suitcase. “You have regrets about last night. It’s okay. I get it. I’ll tap out and let you enjoy your vacation. I can handle being nothing more than your after-party relief.”

  “My after-party what? Seriously? It seems to me it’s the other way around. You were the one who disappeared in the middle of the night.”

  “I don’t tend to stay where I’m not wanted.” Riley threw the clothes into the suitcase. She walked back over to the dresser and pulled the clothes out of another drawer.

  “God damnit, stop packing!” Andrea yanked the clothes out of Riley’s arm. She turned back to the dresser and shoved them into the drawer. Riley flinched when the dresser drawer slammed shut. “You’re hurt, you’re pissed, I get it, but you don’t get to run off this time. We’re talking through this, damnit. Yes, I have regrets, a fucking boatload of regrets, but not about being with you last night. Are you the only one that gets to be hurt and pissed off about what happened? It didn’t just happen to you!”

  Riley looked up at the ceiling and blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over. “Let’s be crystal clear. I didn’t run off last time. You pushed me away. You told me to leave. We were supposed to go together. There was room in the car for you. You baled on me, not the other way around.”

  “Believe me, I know that, but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt to see you go. You were my whole world and just when I needed you the most, you were gone.”

  “Oh, no. Don’t put that on me. I was there for you. I begged you to choose me, but you didn’t. Was I really supposed to stay and watch you get married and have kids with Scott? Hard pass, I can’t stand the guy. But I was easy enough to find if you really did want me back. To this day, my parents still have the same phone number they’ve had all through our childhood. There was always a way to get ahold of me. All you had to do was say the word and I would have been there. You were the one who disappeared, not me.” Riley walked over to the window and looked outside. She focused on a stand of trees against the blue sky and blinked back the emotion. It wasn’t helping. She turned back to Andrea. “Every letter I wrote to you was marked return to sender. You disappeared and I had no way to find you. Phone numbers changed. I even went to your parents’ house after college. Imagine my surprise to find out that they had sold the house and moved to Florida. At least I tried to find you. If you missed me, if you needed me, why didn’t you reach out? You never even tried.”

  Andrea flinched, and her eyes were watery again. “I didn’t know you wrote. I never knew you tried. All this time I thought you hated me. I thought you left and never looked back. Every day, for the longest time, I’d ask if I’d gotten any mail or phone calls, and they said there was nothing for me. They told me to focus on Scott and the baby. Good ol’ Mom and Dad, I should have known.” Andrea looked down at the floor. Slowly, she brought her gaze back to Riley. “Besides, at the time I was too ashamed. What was I supposed to say? ‘Hi, how are you? Oh, hey, I got married at the courthouse today. The baby’s due in a couple of months. And guess what, I finally moved out of my parents’ house and now I live with Scott in his parents’ basement. I work part-time at the grocery store while he goes to community college. All of my goals have been realized. Isn’t life fucking grand!’”

  “Seriously? You lived in Scott’s parents’ basement? Did you at least get to keep that cool pinball machine that was down there?” Riley took a deep breath and let her shoulders relax. Getting it all out there was a good thing.

  “I beat the shit out of that pinball machine. Took all of my frustrations out on that thing. I probably still hold the high score.” Andrea shook her head, and a faint smile touched her lips. “Riley, that last day that I saw you out by our apple tree, when I told you about Scott and the baby, it was all the strength I could muster to push you away so you would go to school. For being such a shy and quiet kid, you were quite confident and strong inside, something I wasn’t, especially when it came to standing up to my parents. I always admired that about you.” Andrea stepped closer but kept her hands at her side. “The regret I feel? I regret that I blindly accepted my parents’ ‘punishment’ for finding us together in bed that night. I regret that I didn’t try to talk to them and explain how I felt about you. I didn’t know how to talk to them back then.” Andrea sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, her hands folded between her knees.

  “But if we’re being completely honest here, I knew in my heart that if I reached out and if I got the chance to hear your voice, even if just for a second, I’d crumble and beg you to come back to me. Without a doubt, I knew you’d be there, all I had to do was ask. I missed you more than you’ll ever know.” Andrea reached over and tugged on Riley’s hand. Riley sat down next to her with a leg bent up on the bed so that she was facing Andrea.

  “I can’t tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep out of loneliness. It really hurt, like physically ached, but nothing about my life back then was fair to you. I couldn’t ask you to stay and watch me figure out parenthood and life with Scott.”

  “But you could have figured out parenthood and life with me,” Riley said quietly. “I told you that.”

  “Oh, sweetheart, to have the chance to make different choices. You don’t know how much I thought about that. There are so many what ifs and maybes, but I knew I needed my parents’ help, and I knew I wouldn’t have their help or support if I defied them to be with you. I was a child having a child and I didn’t know the first thing about what to do.” Andrea twisted sideways on the bed, so she was facing Riley. She reached over and traced the bones on the back of Riley’s hand.

  “Could you and I have figured it all out? Maybe, but it also could have torn us completely apart and made things worse for everyone involved. I thought about all of the options until I made myself sick. In the end, I made the best choice I could at the time, right or wrong.” She pulled her hand back into her lap. Riley missed the contact instantly.

  “It wasn’t an easy road to travel, and yet I can’t imagine my life without my girls. They’re my entire world. I have accepted what happened. I took responsibility and did the best I could. I don’t regret any of the hard stuff with Scott because I was blessed with my two beautiful children, but I do regret how much I hurt you in the process.”

  Riley sat there and let Andrea’s words sink in. She lifted her hand and wiped away a tear that trailed down Andrea’s cheek. She couldn’t begin to image what it had been like for her back then. At the time, she’d been so wrapped up in her own hurt that she never considered how difficult it had been for Andrea. How scary the unknown must have been.

  “I’m sorry about everything. I know that those two words don’t undo the hurt and pain that I caused you, but I am sincerely sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” Andrea’s voice pulled her from her thoughts.

  The room blurred with fresh tears. Her emotions felt like they’d been raked over the coals. “Can I ask you something?”

  Andrea nodded. “Anything.”

  “If you didn’t regret being with me last night, then what happened to upset you so much?”

  “The emotion surprised me as much as it did you. I think it was a combination of things, but most of all, I think the dam simply gave way. It was a release of everything I’ve held inside all these years. The guilt, the hurt, the shame, and most of all, the realization of what we lost.” Andrea leaned closer and reached up to cup Riley’s face in her hands. “It hit me how much I’ve missed my lifelong best friend, Riley Canon. Sweetheart, last night was incredible, more than incredible. Everything about it. Spending time with you and just being us again, the dancing, the laughter, and then coming back here and being together. Being able to touch you and feel you touch me. God, no one else has ever made
me feel the way you do.” Andrea stared into her eyes. “When do you have to fly out?”

  “I’m in Alaska for the entire week. It’s a photographer’s paradise.” She rolled her eyes knowing damn well that the camera would stay in the tote if there was a chance to have some time with Andi.

  “I only have a few more days. I fly out on Thursday morning.” Andrea reached for Riley’s hands. “Look, I’m not naive. I know that we’ve gone down our own paths and live completely different lives. That said, I’m not ready to say good-bye either, not when I’ve just found you again. So, in the spirit of not tiptoeing, would you consider spending some of your vacation time with me? Let me into your world and show me what your life is like? Give me a chance to earn back your friendship? The ball’s in your court. You’ve more than earned that right. I accept anything you decide, though, I’m hoping that maybe you’d show me how to use the new camera that I brought.”

  Riley could feel the smile spread across her face. She drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. It was true, their lives were completely different, but seriously, what she wouldn’t give for a little more time. “Well, I don’t know, that’s asking a lot. It really depends entirely on what kind of camera. I do have standards.”

  Andrea pulled her closer. She looked up and a smile touched her lips. “I’ve seen your gear, I guarantee it’s the wrong kind. I’ll buy whatever it takes to win your friendship back.”

  “My friendship, huh?” Riley raised her eyebrows. “Friends don’t do what we did last night, but I suppose I could refrain.”

  “Just shot myself in the foot, didn’t I?” Andrea smiled. “I’m asking for time to get to know you again. I never said there were activities I was unwilling to repeat. We’re adults and we are on vacation.”